Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DH to attend his Xmas do?

113 replies

gingerh4ir · 14/10/2017 14:01

I am fully prepared to be told I am petty and unreasonable.

He gets regular meals out with work. I don't (different job and line of work, fair enough).

When he is out, I look after the DC alone (one has severe LDs and ASD and bedtimes are a nightmare). Due to the DCs' needs we don't go out together (no childcare) and I rarely never go out due as we cannot afford it and I don't wine and dine though work. DH doesn't go out otherwise either.

Now, come Xmas do time - DHs company will fully the cover a lush bash whilst my company has decided on a lovely meal in a very posh restaurant - without the company contributing. The cost for me would be £50 + drinks and train which is too much.

I now don't want DH to go to his. My reasoning is: It will be yet another evening whilst I am in sole charge of the very challenging DC and that it is just not fair that I cannot go to mine.

I have told him that I want him to stay at home. He called me jealous and petty and that it isn't his fault my company won't pay for our do.

Am I really that unreasonable? I admit I am highly stressed (combination of working and caring taking a toll on me) but I am really not happy that he has a Xmas party when I don't.

Gosh, just reread my post and I sound like a little child. no idea why I am so upset about it.

OP posts:
carelessproffessional · 14/10/2017 14:04

You sound shattered . The thing is you know you are being unfair and unreasonable but you also need a night off.
Is there anyway you can stretch to your works do or go out with just a friend or two ?

Please let him go. You know it's the right thing to do. Try to get a night out yourself.

itsbetterthanabox · 14/10/2017 14:04

Sorry I think yabu.
You should arrange with colleagues you are friends with or just some friends to go out another night for a Christmas night out and he can stay at home with DC.
You can decide the budget then and have a night out enjoying yourself.
£50 is ridiculous for an xmas meal if you have staff on a low income! Your work are being unreasonable too.

RestlessTraveller · 14/10/2017 14:06

YABU. Take some responsibility for your own social life, leave your children with their father and have a night out.

lovealatte · 14/10/2017 14:06

I think you are BU but I also understand why. It sounds like things are quite tough and you aren't getting much of a break. Can you save up between you so you can go on your night out? Or plan for you to get a break in a different way? You both need time out to relax and have fun and denying your DH that opportunity is just going to reduce your combined resilience as you both become more tired and resentful.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 14/10/2017 14:06

YABU. It all sounds so childish. "I can't do it so you can't do it either, so ner"

Wolfiefan · 14/10/2017 14:07

It's not your fault you can't go to yours.
YABU.

Wolfiefan · 14/10/2017 14:07

His fault. Blasted phone!

FenceSitter01 · 14/10/2017 14:08

YABU. For the simple reason you'd be happy to go to your own bash if it were fully funded. Therefore your reason for him not being able to attend his is void, it's down to jealousy.

Go to your HR and say you simply cant afford the xmas do, it's not an inclusive do and you feel isolated. It may not do much good at this late date but it might give some food for thought in the future.

midnightmisssuki · 14/10/2017 14:08

YABU - sorry. Its not his fault that his company throws big parties and yours doesn't. You are also tired which is understandable. Get yourself a night out with friends locally.

Original poster
gingerh4ir · 14/10/2017 14:09

I am the only part timer with children in the office. All others are childless and fulltime. so money isn't a constraint for the rest and they see it as a nice treat.

I couldn't afford a meal out with friends either. our budget just doesn't stretch that far. otherwise I would just do that.

OP posts:
doodle01 · 14/10/2017 14:09

Yep unreasonable its probably expected and not attending is a big statement. Tell him to go have a couple of drinks and slip out after dinner.

Is it the cost of your bash or because you dont want to go.

Xmas bashes are invariably over priced over rated poorly presented ( as venues cant cope ) and ill-conceived and have to be endured.

Peanutbuttercheese · 14/10/2017 14:10

Your upset because you get no down time. I'm not working currently mine swans off overnight to five star hotels often with international travel thrown in. My favourite was getting a Text when on ML while in the queue at a supermarket, apparently the rooftop swimming pool was amazing at the luxury hotel he was staying at in Singapore.

He should go but you need to somehow get some down time to yourself.

DancingLedge · 14/10/2017 14:12

Well, that's the most reasonable (at the end) unreasonable AIBU I've read.

I mean, you know you are, but you can see it. I'm not surprised you feel that you don't want him to go. Your life is hard, and you need to have some time out, and treats. If this scarcely feels possibly, of course you feel resentful if he gets that.
But, making his life harder doesn't actually make your hard life (significantly ) better.

Apologise. Explain. Show him this thread. Tell him he must go. But Be. Very. Clear. That between the two of you, you have to work out something for you.

lazyarse123 · 14/10/2017 14:14

My husband was very jealous of my work as I also had a Xmas do paid for and for years I did not attend (always made excuses) eventually I did go and the fallout was ridiculous. You need to let him go with good grace he's right you are being petty. Could you perhaps just go for a drink with colleagues after work. I still resent the fact I missed out and it was years ago. Yabu.

SleepFreeZone · 14/10/2017 14:14

Call me petty but I would let him go and just go out all by myself another night. I wouldn't care where I go as long as it's away from the house. The cinema, a friend's house, a coffee house, swimming, just somewhere in the evening that gives you a break.

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 14/10/2017 14:14

What would he say to his work colleagues? "Sorry I can't come because my wife can't go to hers and she thinks it's therefore unfair if I come to this one". It sounds a bit ridiculous and controlling.
Objectively, yabu. I can see you're frustrated, and I'd be frustrated too. But he'll resent you if he doesn't go.

TidyDancer · 14/10/2017 14:15

You know you’re being unreasonable but I do understand. It can’t be much fun to see your DH go to a nice free Christmas do and to feel jealous that you don’t have a decent equivalent.

Let him go (well not let him obviously....) but use this as a starting point of a conversation where you find a way to get some time to yourself out of it.

Original poster
gingerh4ir · 14/10/2017 14:16

YABU. Take some responsibility for your own social life, leave your children with their father and have a night out.

you clearly have no clue about the financial toll involved of bringing up a severely disabled child (yes, we get DLA which is just a drop in the ocean compared to the cost). There simply isn't money for a social life of my own. otherwise I would just go to our Xmas do. that is the whole point of my post Confused

but thanks all the others Flowers - I am clearly in the wrong. will apologise to DH.

OP posts:
hula008 · 14/10/2017 14:16

It's not his fault your work don't have a free work do. Not many people get all expenses paid xmas parties nowadays - my workplace has been encouraging people to save up for at least 6 months now for a £50 meal out.

If money is your objection to your own going out (not being able to go out for a meal) then I don't think it's fair you begrudge him this. You could find free activities to do with people?

DillyDilly · 14/10/2017 14:20

Is there absolutelty no way you can put the money together to go to your Christmas party or a lesser amount to go out with friends ?

Bluntness100 · 14/10/2017 14:23

Of course you’re being highly unreasonable. You say he doesn’t go out either. He works, you stay home with your child, one of you needs to earn, one of you needs to be home. It’s horrible to say he can’t have a night out if you can’t. You should be pleased for him. Both of you having no night out benefits no one. Let him go and enjoy himself, I’m sure he also needs a break.

missadasmith · 14/10/2017 14:23

yabu but I totally understand you. I also have a DC with complex needs and work. Unless you are caught in the the circle of caring/working without a real break, little things can tip you over. Not many people understand this.

Any chance you can save up so you can go out for a meal with friends at some point?

Original poster
gingerh4ir · 14/10/2017 14:25

one of you needs to earn

I do earn and the also do the majority of the care work and house work. I am not sitting at home all day doing nothing.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 14/10/2017 14:26

I dont think its the Xmas do as such. Thats just the last straw,

Do you and your DH get equal down time.

Do you have access to the family money?

OhOhDearling · 14/10/2017 14:27

Flowers. Sounds like you desperately could do with a night to yourself, even if you just go out to McDonalds/Wetherspoons,