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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DH to attend his Xmas do?

113 replies

gingerh4ir · 14/10/2017 14:01

I am fully prepared to be told I am petty and unreasonable.

He gets regular meals out with work. I don't (different job and line of work, fair enough).

When he is out, I look after the DC alone (one has severe LDs and ASD and bedtimes are a nightmare). Due to the DCs' needs we don't go out together (no childcare) and I rarely never go out due as we cannot afford it and I don't wine and dine though work. DH doesn't go out otherwise either.

Now, come Xmas do time - DHs company will fully the cover a lush bash whilst my company has decided on a lovely meal in a very posh restaurant - without the company contributing. The cost for me would be £50 + drinks and train which is too much.

I now don't want DH to go to his. My reasoning is: It will be yet another evening whilst I am in sole charge of the very challenging DC and that it is just not fair that I cannot go to mine.

I have told him that I want him to stay at home. He called me jealous and petty and that it isn't his fault my company won't pay for our do.

Am I really that unreasonable? I admit I am highly stressed (combination of working and caring taking a toll on me) but I am really not happy that he has a Xmas party when I don't.

Gosh, just reread my post and I sound like a little child. no idea why I am so upset about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
gingerh4ir · 14/10/2017 14:50

A social life doesn't have to cost much. Just get out of the house on your own for a bit.

if you have to shoulder what I have to shoulder and you are socially very much isolated, then a free walk on your own down the bloody estate doesn't cut it Sad

OP posts:
RestlessTraveller · 14/10/2017 14:51

This isn't just about the Christmas party is it?

Sirzy · 14/10/2017 14:53

You have to make the effort to make it that simple though. I’m a single mum to a disabled child I know it’s not easy but letting yourself crash and burn rather than taking simple steps to get even brief preiods of “escape” isn’t helping anyone is it?

Worriedrose · 14/10/2017 14:54

Does he spend time on his own caring for the DC?
I'm only saying that because clearly you do. So could you not take turns in doing that so at least you could pop over to a friends and have a glass of wine. If you were my friend I would never begrug buying a bottle of wine to share with you so you could have some down time

I get the impression, though I might be wrong, that you are good at looking like everything is OK to everyone else? Sometimes it's good to ask for help from others, you may do this already so excuse me if I've got the wrong end of the stick there

SingingMySong · 14/10/2017 14:55

So why is it so totally impossible for him to give you a reciprocal break? Is it that he is not capable of looking after the children, or you literally don't have the money for any of the suggestions anyone has made?

pallisers · 14/10/2017 14:56

Some of the responses are very unkind imo - the OP is the last thing from a martyr. She has a hand dealt her that few of us have and it is ok for her to not be able to see a way out or to feel like behaving reasonably.

Obviously it is ok for your dh to go but I do think you and he need to prioritise you and getting out in some way. he gets some meals out with work including an xmas bash. You don't. Can you plan for anything that you might like to do? Even if it is a trip to the cinema or you both taking an afternoon off together and going out somewhere cheap, or asking if you could visit a relative on your own for a night. Anything? I think getting some nice thing/time for yourself should be a priority for you both right now - you need it to cope.

MaisyPops · 14/10/2017 15:00

YABU

I get that you are shattered and need a break, but you are being massively unreasonable.

The solution to you needing a break isn't to expect DH not to attend his free Christmas party on the grounds of 'if I don't go out then you shouldn't and then we can both be miserable'.

Plan some down time of your own. It doesn't have to cost a lot. I won't go down the martyr route becayse you are clearly feeling under pressure, but if you come back and give endless reasons around why you couldn't possibly have a couple of hours to yourself then it will be martyr territory.

Sirzy · 14/10/2017 15:01

I don’t think people are posting to be unkind. They are post to make the OP realise that she needs to look after herself and she is important as everyone else.

I am currently in the middle of a parenting course for parents of children with ASD and one of the first messages is the importance of self care. So often it is so easy to lose yourself and only realise when you hit crisis point that you don’t have any identity beyond the carer role and it is a tough cycle to break.

FarceFace · 14/10/2017 15:01

what about a couple of lie-ins at the weekend from DH? Or a nice bath whilst he does a few bedtimes - there are ways that don't involve spending money - you sound absolutely beat.

I understand why you're cross, i don't know how you cope with it all and I do think you should talk to your DH about how you feel and the deeper issues.

Graceflorrick · 14/10/2017 15:02

Things sounds really hard OP, it can’t be easy but behaving like that is going to drive your DH away.

Kardashianlove · 14/10/2017 15:02

I think you need to sit down with DH and try to find a way of you getting some time out. You seem (understandably) resentful of DHs meals out, etc.

Even just going to friends for a takeaway and bottle of wine? Or is there no way you could re-look at finances (maybe cut back on some Christmas presents or something to try to afford your work night). It might give you something to look forward to.

ShimmeringBollox · 14/10/2017 15:06

Oh gosh, other pp are right, this really isn't about the Christmas party. I don't blame you for being a bit unreasonable op, I really don't.
Flowers
Sorry, I have no practical advice for you.

Pajamagirl · 14/10/2017 15:06

Take a bottle wine to your best friends ( know yr money is tight ) , let him sort kids
Not an xmas night out but they are normally overpriced nonsense tbh u will have a better evening and a better laugh
Let him go , but get a break , do you have any family that could sit in one evening ?

Ceto · 14/10/2017 15:07

Have you had a care assessment in relation to your child? You may well be entitled to support in relation to his care needs, including respite care. If you haven't, write to the Children's Services department to make a formal request for one, quoting section 17 Children Act 1989.

applebags · 14/10/2017 15:07

YABU as it sounds as though if your Xmas party was funded you'd be happy to go. It's therefore not your DH's fault, why shouldn't he want to go to his work do?

You've got several months to save £50 + extras....if I were you I'd spend the money on a cheap hotel for the night to get some much needed R&R all by yourself!

Aridane · 14/10/2017 15:12

YABU

Miserylovescompany2 · 14/10/2017 15:15

I break you require isn't going to happen unless you make it happen. Parents do get allocated additional support - yes, you do need to fight for it and understand the system.

Requesting assessments verbally isn't enough. You ideally need the school/GP/MH services singing off the same page. Put, your requests in writing.

Don't be fobbed off!

deepestdarkestperu · 14/10/2017 15:15

Why can't you leave the children with their father, and go out on your own? It doesn't cost anything to go for a walk, or go for a mooch around the shops. You could always take £5 and a book, and go and sit in a pub for an afternoon for some peace and quiet as well.

QuietNinjaTardis · 14/10/2017 15:17

Do you ever go out? Even just to a mates for an evening chat? Or to the cinema (even if it's on your own)?
Or is just your dh that gets evenings out? If so then he needs to do bedtimes on his own once in a while. Cos that's the issue. Not that he's getting an xmas do and you're not, it's that you never get an evening to yourself. Am I right?

TripleASays · 14/10/2017 15:19

Sorry, but YABU

Crunchymum · 14/10/2017 15:20

It's months away OP, can you not save so you can go to yours?

I appreciate that you are completely frazzled but I do think YABU, why should you both miss out on opportunities to have a bit of time out of the house? You just need to carve out some more of these opportunities for yourself so the balance is fairer.

Original poster
gingerh4ir · 14/10/2017 15:22

my last night out was last year's (fully funded) Xmas do. I don't have friends. no time anymore since DC1. but I go out once or twice a year to the cinema. I am pretty lonely hence going on a walk on my own doesn't really appeal to me. even though it is free.

DH only goes out through work. No pub nights with mates either. We are really on par in that respect.

OP posts:
deepestdarkestperu · 14/10/2017 15:24

But you're not really explaining why you can't make time. Your husband doesn't work 24/7, so why can't you leave him to look after his children and go out and do something?

You say your colleagues are child-free, can you not arrange something with one of them? Even if it's just coffee/a drink after work, or going to one of theirs in the evening for wine/dinner/a film?

toldmywrath · 14/10/2017 15:26

I can tell that you're a reasonable person as you've already agreed that DH should go to his do.

Have you thought about a Groupon voucher for a e.g facial, massage, afternoon tea etc. You can get some fab deals on there. I've just bought a four course dining for two for £30 all in. Perhaps you and a friend could do that between you? Flowers

Sirzy · 14/10/2017 15:27

Maybe that’s a good place to start then - find a way of making some friends.

Are there any parent carer forums locally? At least that would give you a chance to meet like minded people.

Do you have any interests you could take up which would allow you to meet people?

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