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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DH to attend his Xmas do?

113 replies

gingerh4ir · 14/10/2017 14:01

I am fully prepared to be told I am petty and unreasonable.

He gets regular meals out with work. I don't (different job and line of work, fair enough).

When he is out, I look after the DC alone (one has severe LDs and ASD and bedtimes are a nightmare). Due to the DCs' needs we don't go out together (no childcare) and I rarely never go out due as we cannot afford it and I don't wine and dine though work. DH doesn't go out otherwise either.

Now, come Xmas do time - DHs company will fully the cover a lush bash whilst my company has decided on a lovely meal in a very posh restaurant - without the company contributing. The cost for me would be £50 + drinks and train which is too much.

I now don't want DH to go to his. My reasoning is: It will be yet another evening whilst I am in sole charge of the very challenging DC and that it is just not fair that I cannot go to mine.

I have told him that I want him to stay at home. He called me jealous and petty and that it isn't his fault my company won't pay for our do.

Am I really that unreasonable? I admit I am highly stressed (combination of working and caring taking a toll on me) but I am really not happy that he has a Xmas party when I don't.

Gosh, just reread my post and I sound like a little child. no idea why I am so upset about it.

OP posts:
notgivingin789 · 14/10/2017 15:27

you clearly have no clue about the financial toll involved of bringing up a severely disabled child....

Not to make sweeping comparisons OP. But I am a young (early 20's) single parent to a child on the Autistic Spectrum and hardly get any help. At least you have your DH on side.

I do think YABU OP and the comment you made above, directed to another poster. Even though the poster said it quite bluntly... you do need to take control of your social life. Your post comes across as self pity, I've been there. Use your situation to your advantage, you have a DH, make arrangements and go out somewhere nice by yourself . Let your DH go to his Xmas do, it's very important that couples get a break !

Worriedrose · 14/10/2017 15:29

Could you not find a local support group. That was my friends night out and also a place for her to make friends in the same situation.
It's clear that both you and your DH can spend time on your own with your dc so you really need to get out.
I know you say you don't have any friends but you really need to try. For your own sanity,
Are you on the other boards on here that can help you?

It's clear that your struggling With this aspect, sometimes you can get so ground down you can't even try to help yourself.
But help yourself you must

MaverickSnoopy · 14/10/2017 15:30

I get it OP. While you would be unreasonable to stop him from going out, it's not really about that. The division of things doesn't sound fair and that can lead to resent, which I think is where you are now.

I understand what it's like not to be able to afford a social life. Do you as a couple have anything left over at the end of the month? Can you save even £2.50 a month for a couple of drinks out at some point? If you really can't then I do think you need to lock yourself in the bathroom and have a bubble bath, at bedtime. Can you go to a friends house one night? You don't have to spend anything.

Some suggestions to make a bit of extra cash...switch up clubcard vouchers for restaurant vouchers, or cashback websites are pretty good. You can freelance (for admin, project management, marketing, design, pretty much anything) on people per hour. Now I know that your time is full but dh needs to support you to do this, if you want to. I make £10/hour because I'm new at it but I will raise my rates soon and make more and it's money that I otherwise wouldn't have. Surveys are good too. I use panelbase and make about £20/month with very little effort. I know you didn't ask for advice on how to make money but I really feel for you and want to help. It wouldn't be much but longer term it would help a bit and would facilitate a bit of time out for you.

How compassionate is your DH in terms of equal time for you both? Is he encouraging of you taking a break?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 14/10/2017 15:32

Why don't you get him to take care of the children more while you go out and make friends. There are loads of free ways to do that. What would you like to do?

notgivingin789 · 14/10/2017 15:33

if you have to shoulder what I have to shoulder and you are socially very much isolated, then a free walk on your own down the bloody estate doesn't cut it 

Then go out and make friends, meet people, I met lovely friends at an Autism Parent group. Come on OP, take control of your life.

Original poster
gingerh4ir · 14/10/2017 15:34

But you're not really explaining why you can't make time. Your husband doesn't work 24/7, so why can't you leave him to look after his children and go out and do something?

  1. DH comes home usually by 7. I am usually shattered in the evenings. DC1 is a terrible sleeper - my commute is on bus so I do the night wakings with DC1 (DH has a long motorway commute) and I don't have much energy left.

  2. I dont have friends

  3. I cannot afford

  4. we play catch up with all kind of stuff during Sat/Sun

  5. I DO NOT FANCY A FREE WALK AROUND THE BLOCK IN THE EVENING

Jeez. I am hiding this threat now. If people have no clue about the toll of caring for a severely disabled children along with working, then they really shouldn't comment all this ' why don't you take some time out nonsense'

in any case, I talked to DH, apologised and he will go. I won't.

Hiding this now

OP posts:
missadasmith · 14/10/2017 15:36

Then go out and make friends, meet people, I met lovely friends at an Autism Parent group. Come on OP, take control of your life.

these groups usually run during the day. OP is working so probably cannot attend.

I am in a similar situation. It really sucks not being able to at least attend support groups.

deepestdarkestperu · 14/10/2017 15:37

People are trying to help you, OP.

You need to make time for yourself and not play martyr. Nobody is saying it's easy, but if your DH can stay after work and go socialising, there shouldn't be anything stopping you doing the same thing.

Go out at the weekends and make friends, you're not going to make them without making an effort. Go out with your colleagues, go to their houses, take time in the evenings to have a bath with a book while your DH deals with bedtimes. It will at least give you a few hours off.

But getting angry and rude with people on here who are trying to help you won't change anything. You need to be the one to make changes if you're not happy. Nobody else can do that for you.

Sirzy · 14/10/2017 15:38

The OP is part time so with any luck one of the groups would fall on a day off.

Locally they do run a lot of the support courses with evening options too and they are another good way of meeting people.

Xmasbaby11 · 14/10/2017 15:38

Since you would be happy to go out with workmates for the Xmas do, could you go out with them another time?

I agree your dh should go to his do but I totally get why you feel so resentful. I hope you can find some time for yourself soon, however modest.

Original poster
gingerh4ir · 14/10/2017 15:40

last post - I am part time but do 25h over 5 days. I do not have a day off and local support groups are all during school hours to cater for the mostly non-working parents.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 14/10/2017 15:40

OP
I think you are being quite harsh on posters.

They are quite rightly giving practical suggestions to get you a break. To dismiss them and say 'well none of this is possible because it just isn't' doesn't help your situation. All it does is mean in 6 months time when another work do is on you end up being annoyed

WomblingThree · 14/10/2017 15:43

You know you are being ridiculous about the Christmas party itself, but obviously it’s symptomatic of the fact that you are overworked and under-appreciated.

You say he doesn’t go out, but he is going out, to his bloody party. He presumably just assumes that you will look after the kids while he’s out. Therefore, you are absolutely entitled to go to your party, and assume that he will look after them. You deserve the same things he has. You both work outside the home, and yet somehow you end up with the majority of the work inside as well. How did that happen? You need to set about changing it. Unless your husband has a severe medical condition that means he needs to sleep for the 16 hours a day he isn’t at work, he needs to start pulling his weight, and you need to tell him that.

Find the money for your party somehow. Cut down on Christmas presents (most people won’t notice or care, and if they do, tough), sell something on eBay, save £5 a week (which is a only a bottle of wine or a couple of coffees); but make yourself a priority and GO! The world won’t stop if he has to manage on his own for one evening.

Take control back, and don’t be the default parent. This is even more important when you have a child with additional needs.

Sirzy · 14/10/2017 15:44

I think sadly this thread does highlight that for change to happen you have to be willing to change. There are always ways but you have to make it happen.

WomblingThree · 14/10/2017 15:44

Cross posted. I guess you didn’t really want advice, just a rant (which is fine). Say that in your OP and don’t post in AIBU!

HelenaDove · 14/10/2017 15:46

Agree with Wombling. I think there is a bit of male entitlement coming from OPs DH.

Mummaofboys · 14/10/2017 15:54

As a stay at home mum I never go out and don't have Christmas parties to attend, my husbands company has lots of meals out all the time and come Christmas will have at least three work parties attend. I am very jealous that he gets to go and I don't, I would love to dress up and have a child free night, but I would never stop him going I'm glad at least one of us gets to have a nice time rather than the pair if us being stuck at home. Can you not be happy for your husband?

notgivingin789 · 14/10/2017 15:55

Miss I worked part time and was a full time student too.

I couldn't make most of these groups but when I took holiday breaks from work and Uni. I would use that time to go to groups. Around Christmas... the Autistic parents groups would throw Christmas parties (I have a short break at Christmas from work) DS and I would go to them.

Worriedrose · 14/10/2017 15:55

Op only you can try to make little changes to make your life more bearable and I think a lot of people who are posting are in a very similar sitiuation
If nothing else I hope this thread has helped you realise that there is more to life than what you currently have
Start thinking about your own needs. Start putting yourself first

SingingMySong · 14/10/2017 16:00

My employer accommodates ASC parent group during the school day. I think it's a great "investment" for them, keeping me coping and therefore working. Maybe your work won't be so helpful but I think Sirzy's right. It sounds like you don't want solutions. Maybe you don't want a break, or through the lens of sleep deprivation or whatever it's just impossible to see how to change anything (I have SO been there!)

I guess you'll never read this OP but FWIW, I do think people are just trying to help you to help yourself, and believe it or not, it's meant kindly.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 14/10/2017 16:00

Actually op I don't think you are bu. You said quite clearly in your op and subsequent posts why you don't go out. He gets to go out (albeit with work) regularly whilst you are shouldering the brunt of family work, I can see why you are upset and needing a break. Not sure what to suggest, but I feel for you.

PopadomPointer · 14/10/2017 16:03

Bless you OPFlowers

Some posters really don't know how isolating it is having a disabled DC.

Plus working and majority of the housework...no helpful advice I'm afraid,just a hand hold

HelenaDove · 14/10/2017 16:03

Mumma where are you posting from? Stepford.

OP has already said she is shouldering the brunt of the work at home.

deepestdarkestperu · 14/10/2017 16:03

What about Facebook groups for your local area, or try MN local and see if there are any mums around who you could meet up with while your husband does some childcare?

WithoutYouImNothing · 14/10/2017 16:11

Sorry it's been a rough go OP. I think people underestimate how crippling loneliness becomes. Good friends take a long time. And you are allowed to just be pissed off about it. Just wallow for a bit and not be the perfect wife, mother and employee.

After that, maybe look at some of the more helpful posts and think of ways you can prioritise yourself a bit. It takes work though, which can be defeating when you already feel sad.