to not want DH to attend his Xmas do?

[gingerh4ir]

I am fully prepared to be told I am petty and unreasonable.

He gets regular meals out with work. I don't (different job and line of work, fair enough).

When he is out, I look after the DC alone (one has severe LDs and ASD and bedtimes are a nightmare). Due to the DCs' needs we don't go out together (no childcare) and I rarely never go out due as we cannot afford it and I don't wine and dine though work. DH doesn't go out otherwise either.

Now, come Xmas do time - DHs company will fully the cover a lush bash whilst my company has decided on a lovely meal in a very posh restaurant - without the company contributing. The cost for me would be £50 + drinks and train which is too much.

I now don't want DH to go to his. My reasoning is: It will be yet another evening whilst I am in sole charge of the very challenging DC and that it is just not fair that I cannot go to mine.

I have told him that I want him to stay at home. He called me jealous and petty and that it isn't his fault my company won't pay for our do.

Am I really that unreasonable? I admit I am highly stressed (combination of working and caring taking a toll on me) but I am really not happy that he has a Xmas party when I don't.

Gosh, just reread my post and I sound like a little child. no idea why I am so upset about it.

Another YABU I'm afraid. It sucks but I wouldn't stop him going for his Christmas bash just because I couldn't go to mine. It's pretty.

@WhataHexIgotinto
Really! I think the thread has moved on.
Please bother to read the whole thread

I'm a little confused as to why you posted, OP.
Understandable if it was to vent, given your situation, but your responses are downright rude. I am carer to my disabled husband, have three kids, and work too, in a very demanding job. I am not Superwoman, I get on with it under immense pressure, but I make time for myself, because if I don't, I would quite literally break. You are (seemingly) at breaking point - you need to find time to address your mental health, because this post is clearly about more than your Christmas party. You may also need to address your relationship - you've told us how much your doing but not what your husband contributes in the way of parenting. I wish you well.

Your post makes me sad and angry OP. I'm horrified that you can't get any respite as the carer for a disabled and challenging child.

DH's night out isn't the real issue imo, it's the fact that you don't get any downtime that is just for you. I think checking out Groupon for a cheap deal for you to do something for yourself is a great idea. Just a couple of hours for a massage or facial and taking a day off work to do it would buy you some chill out time. Or even a night in a Premier Inn, to have a long soak with a good book and a glass of wine.

It also seems that you are quite isolated. Do you get on with your family? Have you got any old friends you can catch up with?

I'd be inclined to tell DH that I was spending the money earmarked for his Christmas pressie on going to my works do, tbh.

It might also be worth checking whether you'd be any worse off giving up your job and claiming carer's allowance. That would free up time for you to have some time to enjoy yourself, and might bring your household income below the threshold for tax credits.

It’s not fucking childcare, they are HIS CHILDREN!

Oops that was to @DeepestDarkestPeru.

Just in case you are still reading OP, that sounds really, really tough on you. You must feel really isolated. Could you maybe just skip the meal part of your xmas night out and meet them for a drink instead? Or try to squirrel away a pound or so for a few weeks and arrange to meet some colleagues for a drink in the new year? I hope you get some positive change soon, I really do.

Have you been honest with people from work? Could you say you'd love to come out so can they change the venue so that its something you could afford?

I know there's lots of other issues, however if you start with asking work to accommodate, see what happens.

Also lots of firms offer a volunteering scheme, could people come and babysit for you in teams if necessary so you and DH could go out? Maybe involve them and ask for their help?

Hi op,
I feel kinda like you, although I dont work and have two asd children with one who hasn't been to school for a year.
It is very isolating and as my son dont go out I can't either and we have no one to help us.
Oh works all week and on a sat, obviously has no choice.
But having no adult convo or just normality is bloody hard.
By the time oh comes home from work im exhausted and I know that I will get hardly any sleep and then the cycle repeats.
I am trying to make small changes to find me again and in a way I am depressed which again makes things very difficult.
If you need a chat you are very welcome to pm me.

I feel your frustration OP. No you're not being reasonable but I can totally get how you feel. My youngest has ASD and I have literally no one who will look after my kids and their dad isn't around either. There is literally no escape or that's how it feels. Talk to your husband and come up with a plan for you to get some time for yourself away from work and home life too. It's only fair.

I think many people underestimate just how tough things can be in this situation, emotionally physically and financially.

Unfortunately just because the situation sucks in your office there's no point in forcing your dh to join in your misery. If it was flipped and dh didn't want me to go to a free night out I'd be seriously considering our relationship - no man has told me what to do since I was 18.

How old are your DCs? If one of them is under 5, maybe you could self-refer to Homestart? I volunteer for Homestart and I go 2 hours a week to help out a family. It can be doing whatever is useful for you - supervising the DCs while you have a rest or get something done or helping you go out with the DCs. It might give you a bit of break and at least some company and break up the day a bit?

Not sure of ages but if nursery /school age then chat to mums there

If you go to any special classes /groups talk to people

Do you have a local fb group. Can you join and say you would like to meet some other parents of sn children

Soft plays in my area so occasional sn play out hours / could you look into this and see if one once a month near you?

Hv or gp any good

Yes it costs to go out but sounds like you need time out. Go to local coffee shop with a book and chill for an hour while dh has the dc