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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DH to attend his Xmas do?

113 replies

gingerh4ir · 14/10/2017 14:01

I am fully prepared to be told I am petty and unreasonable.

He gets regular meals out with work. I don't (different job and line of work, fair enough).

When he is out, I look after the DC alone (one has severe LDs and ASD and bedtimes are a nightmare). Due to the DCs' needs we don't go out together (no childcare) and I rarely never go out due as we cannot afford it and I don't wine and dine though work. DH doesn't go out otherwise either.

Now, come Xmas do time - DHs company will fully the cover a lush bash whilst my company has decided on a lovely meal in a very posh restaurant - without the company contributing. The cost for me would be £50 + drinks and train which is too much.

I now don't want DH to go to his. My reasoning is: It will be yet another evening whilst I am in sole charge of the very challenging DC and that it is just not fair that I cannot go to mine.

I have told him that I want him to stay at home. He called me jealous and petty and that it isn't his fault my company won't pay for our do.

Am I really that unreasonable? I admit I am highly stressed (combination of working and caring taking a toll on me) but I am really not happy that he has a Xmas party when I don't.

Gosh, just reread my post and I sound like a little child. no idea why I am so upset about it.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 14/10/2017 14:27

You need to find a way for you to get down time. It doesn’t need to be expensive (go for a walk, go and sit in your local library and read in peace for a few ours!)

It is vital that both of you get time away otherwise you will crash and burn. I would say the same for your DH too if his only “out” time is actually work related as often those events don’t allow a proper chance to relax.

CiderwithBuda · 14/10/2017 14:29

Well you are being unreasonable but understandably so. I wouldn't stop him going as it won't help you really other than doing bedtime alone.

But. You NEED something for you. Some time that isn't work or looking after the children. Even if it's just a night at a friend's with a bottle of wine and a DVD.

Shockers · 14/10/2017 14:30

If he's saving on his, could he contribute to yours? That way you both get to let your hair down with your colleagues.

Saker · 14/10/2017 14:30

Are your DC under social services? This isn't in a negative way - children with special needs are entitled to help and you should ask SS for a review of yours and your DCs needs. Then you may be entitled to direct payments which you can use to pay someone to look after your child with SN giving you a break and the chance to have some life.

KickAssAngel · 14/10/2017 14:31

You may not be able to find extra money for you to go out, but can you find time? Do you get a day out alone, or he takes the kids out and you get to lounge around in peace and quiet? I don't mean doing chores by yourself, but a good chunk of time where you can switch off from responsibility.

I think you can use this as a time to talk to him about this. It isn't just the money - it's you being home alone with a demanding job. You being part time to provide care for your kids actually makes it MORE important that you get a break from the situation. Does he see this?

SingingMySong · 14/10/2017 14:31

YABU.

I get that it's shitty, but it's not a race to the bottom. You won't really feel any better if he doesn't get to go either. Let him go but make sure you get a night out (or some weekend downtime if you'd rather) in return. Call in the favour. If you don't have anyone to socialise with, go to the cinema alone or stay the night in a hotel for a bit of peace and quiet. It sounds like you desperately need a break.

I remember a sermon once about marriage not being about give and take, but give and give. You each give to the other and carry on giving. Cheesy perhaps but it works for us. The trick is it needs to be mutual.

WineGummyBear · 14/10/2017 14:33

Hi OP.
You are tired and need some time off. Your routine sounds full on and kids are relentless.

Could you arrange a few evenings off bedtime duty (even if you watch a movie at a friend's house it's some down time for you).

If you are better rested you should be able to wave him off to his Christmas do with good grace.

Fffion · 14/10/2017 14:33

I'm with your DH.

But what I think you need to do is sort out some kind of respite care so that both of you can get a break.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 14/10/2017 14:34

Can you just go out for an evening? Doesn’t have to cost a fortune. A glass of wine and a good book somewhere even if you have no one to go with? You sound knackered and exhausted but I don’t see why you can’t leave Dh to it and have a bit of time for yourself?

lionsleepstonight · 14/10/2017 14:35

I can see where you're coming from, but you'd go to yours if it was free, so unfair to stop DH from going to his.
Can you get a night off and go see a friend as I appreciate you deserve a night out too, even if it's more of a budget do as it's being paid for by you.

defineme · 14/10/2017 14:35

I honestly do understand your position, my life is quite similar, but you must squeeze something out for yourself or you'll crumble. Whatever you like to do... A friend's house with a cheap bottle of wine, park run, bike ride, put aside £1 a week and you could escape to the cinema on your own in just a few weeks.

Original poster
gingerh4ir · 14/10/2017 14:35

Saker, no we are not. tried and failed. the thresholds in my area are very high. nobody cares about the carer here unless the DC are in danger...

OP posts:
SingingMySong · 14/10/2017 14:35

Shockers
"If he's saving on his, could he contribute to yours? That way you both get to let your hair down with your colleagues."

That does sound fair.

Goldmandra · 14/10/2017 14:36

I know exactly how this feels. I had years when I couldn't go out but DH still got to go to work dos and even some trips to Italy for work. DD2 is now in residential school and I'm slowly getting used to the freedom.

The solution isn't to stop him going out but you knew that already. The solution is to find an affordable way for you to have some regular down-time. This is probably a silly question but do you qualify for short breaks funding? If not ask for a carer's assessment.

If short breaks funding isn't going to work, could you catch up with a couple of friends over a coffee at one of their houses once a month?

Sometimes even just going out to a support group and meeting other parents in the same boat can really help. Venting to people who understand where you're coming from and don't judge you because of their own ignorance is a great way to let off steam. Look on your LA's local offer website and see if any groups come up in your area.

YANBU to feel how you feel Flowers

defineme · 14/10/2017 14:37

Respite is a good point, we are in the midlands and ds1 gets short breaks funding which we use on his monthly youth group and he goes away on 1 or 2 residentials a year.

Original poster
gingerh4ir · 14/10/2017 14:39

If he's saving on his, could he contribute to yours? That way you both get to let your hair down with your colleagues.

there is no mine and his. just ours Smile

I have decided to let it go and told DH. It's ok. sort of. maybe next time.

OP posts:
Piratesandpants · 14/10/2017 14:39

YABU - BUT I would expect your DH to understand how you feel and how hard it is for you. He should be doing something to make sure you get down time and to find a way so that you get some sort of treat/fun. (I hope he's not paying for a taxi home after his Xmas do?)

Original poster
gingerh4ir · 14/10/2017 14:41

no respite as said above. have been told unofficially that we won't get it as we are not abusive and not addicted to any kind of drugs either. it's pretty shocking round here. but this is not a battle worth having.

out with the DC now

OP posts:
Arealhumanbeing · 14/10/2017 14:41

YABU. You might be able to stop him going but he won’t like you for it. Don’t be that wife, you’ll lose him. He needs to be the husband who responds with compassion, not name calling, or he will lose you.

On another night hand his children to him and go to a friend’s house with a couple of bottles of wine. Aldi do lovely ones for around a fiver. If you can spend more choose a bar or pub you like the look of.

Or is it not that simple? I can see that you’ve mentioned your financial situation and the fact that you do most of the care and housework. Will he agree on a fairer split or is that unlikely to materialise? Is this a dynamic that you’re stuck in?

Peppapogstillonaloop · 14/10/2017 14:42

You haven’t responded to any of the suggestions about taking some time for yourself..will you do that? It sounds like you really need it.

Fffion · 14/10/2017 14:43

Maybe you need to more creative about respite. Have you thought about contacting your local church?

CamperVamp · 14/10/2017 14:46

He should go BUT you need some reciprocal time off. Go round to a friend's with a bottle of cheap plonk and a DVD, go for a long walk at the weekend, whatever. Whenever he is on a jolly at work, you Bank some time for yourself.

RestlessTraveller · 14/10/2017 14:47

A social life doesn't have to cost much. Just get out of the house on your own for a bit.

Original poster
gingerh4ir · 14/10/2017 14:47

You haven’t responded to any of the suggestions about taking some time for yourself..will you do that? It sounds like you really need it.

if you are either working or caring and financially don't have the funds for respite, then it really is not that simple. don't really know what to say

OP posts:
RestlessTraveller · 14/10/2017 14:49

Stop being s martyr. Leave your kids with their father, buy a £5 bottle of plonk and go round to a friend's house.

Or go for a coffe with a friend

Or go for a walk.

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