AIBU to resent being shamed by weird tight " friend "

[Mill46]

Back story - very old Uni friend and I get together every 3 months or so . We both very lucky and have worked hard . We have good jobs and earn what would be considered by most to be a very decent salary . We meet and have dinner somewhere that's not expensive . It's always nice to see her and I enjoy her company .
She has a complicated domestic life as compared to my rather boring one.
She contacted me to say she was going to be in town so we organised to meet .
I booked a fixed price menu at a reasonable restaurant and was staggered when she texted me to say did I mind meeting just for a drink as she's not got a lot of money at the moment .
I rarely go out for many reasons and seeing that this has been planned for so long I can't see why she couldn't have "saved " the 30 quid or so that it would cost .
AIBU that i think she's shaming me and being pasive aggressive as there is no way that she can't afford it ? I know mumsnet folks will say , if she's you friend see her anyway ( which I'm happy to do ) but I feel there is more to this . She could have simply cancelled , said she only had time for a quick drink - anything .
What do I do ? Cancel , meet her and feel bad that she's got no money and buy her diner , or have a drink and f* off home ?

[LewisThere]

Take that response in the context of what is going on otherwise.
If you meet up and she is telling you all about her fancy holiday to Cuba, that herbrelatuinhsip is wonderful etc etc, it's telling you something different than if she comes tellingnall about her goes with her ex partner That has left leaving massive debts (at her name) in his wake.
Etc etc.

I think you know her well enough to know whether £30 is an issue or not for her normally. And what sort of importance she places in 'looking flush' (aka beg able to spend that money wo batting an eyelid).

[Fekko]

Maybe she just finds the op rather tiring if that's the way she goes on and would rather meet up for alcohol on an empty stomach?

Did you see how that waitress took my order? She was food shaming me!

New coat? Are you clothes shaming me?

That man over there looked at me. Body shamed me!

He held the door open for me. The bastard! Gender shame!!!

So you couldnt afford to come out for a meal? Why? Why? Why? Is it about me? Are you money shaming me? Memememe!

I'd need a stiff drink too...

[Holidayaddict]

I've been shocked by how much things cost these days, hasn't kept pace with my wages at all, i.e. Pizza Express not being a reasonably priced lunch anymore. I actually dreamt last night that I was charged a tenner for a small latte in Cafe Nero. I refused to pay and walked out and then posted on here. I was told I was being vvu as "that's what coffee costs these days". Woke up in a cold sweat.....

[OurMiracle1106]

If a friend of mine said I can’t afford dinner can we go for a drink instead I would automatically say don’t worry about it. I don’t mind paying—unless I was likewise skint at which point I would say drinks sound even better—

If she’s an old friend she probably felt comfortable enough to tell you the Truth

[Fightthebear]

Sorry op - I've experienced this and my now ex-friend was basically saying she didn't want to spend time & money seeing me. I can see why you're querying it.

Like pp have said, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt, take her at her word and see what happens.

[GinIsIn]

How about you "be more sisterly" towards your friend instead?

[SeaCabbage]

It's hard to understand what you mean.

Do you mean that you think she is lying about the money and wants to only spend a short time with you so is using that as an excuse?

Or what?

[Thelonewanderer]

Have you thought that maybe, just maybe, it's not all about you and she genuinely can't afford it?

[chocatoo]

Why don't you meet for the drink and ask her about her financial troubles? You could start by saying that you were surprised when she said about just going for a drink.

[loulou0987]

How do you know she hasn't got money worries? Maybe thats why she wants to meet you, to explain it face to face?

[Nanny0gg]

This is one of the weirdest threads ever.

Surely if she didn't want to see you she wouldn't have suggested the meet or the drink.

Maybe she's got problems and has suggested the meet-up to get some support? (good luck with that, going on your attitude)

[AccrualIntentions]

Do you actually like her?

[xhannahx]

Maybe she is on a diet
Maybe she is having money problems she doesn't want to share
Maybe she has another dinner planned that evening and doesn't want to eat to much
Maybe she doesn't have as much time as usual

There are a million explanations...the least likely being that she is trying to shame you. Think this is all a bit ridiculous over something that sounds completely normal on your friends behalf.

[WorraLiberty]

Maybe she doesn't want to eat dinner with you because she's meeting up with other friends for lunch?

I know if I went out to lunch, I couldn't manage going out for dinner too so that really would be a waste of 30 quid.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I get that you feel she is 'shaming' you (not quite sure it's the right word though) by not wanting to meet at a place that you book - do you feel that she's not really enjoying the evenings out that you plan? But SHE has contacted YOU to say she's in town, so it's not like she's avoiding you or trying to ghost you or anything.

Meet her for a drink (actually meeting for a drink can be pretty bloody expensive, unless she's just going to drink water) and ask her what's happening. She must want to talk or she wouldn't meet you at all!

[Scabbersley]

I might say this to a friend a) because I genuinely had very little cash that month or b) because I wanted to see her but not for a whole meal as she's quite tiring or c) I had an offer elsewhere and could fit both in if I changed dinner to drinks only.

Either way you can't control it OP

[Hollystyrene]

She has a complicated domestic life as compared to my rather boring one.

I think there are probably a few clues under this particular rug.

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Just when I thought MN couldn't get any weirder

[mindutopia]

What if she truly just doesn't have the cash? I don't think that seems weird. Lots of people earn loads, but it all goes right back out again into debts (for loans, private school fees, big mortgage, car payments). Poor financial management, yes, but unfortunately not everyone is smart with their money. My mum put me through private school my entire life, but when she and my dad divorced, he screwed her over financially and paid no maintenance at all for me. I literally went to a posh boarding school (as a day student) and she'd pick me up at the end of the day and we'd drive back to the campsite we were living in because she couldn't get us a house to live in for about 6 months. Outward appearances are not all they're cracked up to be sometimes. What is her complicated domestic situation? Maybe it's more complicated than you realise? Nonetheless, we are quite financially comfortable, but some months costs come up or I need to save for something or work takes a downturn and is slow and we need to do exactly this, so doesn't sound too odd to me. I would just enjoy spending time with her if you want to see her.

[Looneytune253]

Lots of people have a lot of money but they live to the edge of their finances with shopping, higher mortgages, nice car. She may have a million birthdays this month or an unexpected repair. Everyone can have a ‘skint’ month. Even high earners. I’m not a high earner but some months I just run out of money without realising and I change my plans to suit that.

[Witchend]

We could usually afford a meal for £30, but I wouldn't think it as a good offer as we usually go to the carvery for £6.95 a head.
However there have been times when, yes I could have afforded £30, but couldn't have justified it as we were having to get something that was leaving us very low (eg when our car died) and were pulling in in all ways. I wouldn't have felt it was fair to go out for £30 meal when dh and the dc's were not doing/getting things of similar value to that to save money.

[HolyShet]

She's not in any way shaming you.

Either
her domestic and financial arrangements are a lot more problematic than you understand

OR
she just doesn't fancy that restaurant

I imagine drinks can end up costing just as much as dinner.....

You could buy her dinner, if she's skint. Friends do, on occasion.

[winefortea]

Bizarre!

[CakesRUs]

Really have no idea why what you earn, and how well off you are, are factors in meeting a mate.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Come on MNers be a bit more sisterly

Can you not see the irony in your comment??!!!