AIBU to resent being shamed by weird tight " friend "

[Mill46]

Back story - very old Uni friend and I get together every 3 months or so . We both very lucky and have worked hard . We have good jobs and earn what would be considered by most to be a very decent salary . We meet and have dinner somewhere that's not expensive . It's always nice to see her and I enjoy her company .
She has a complicated domestic life as compared to my rather boring one.
She contacted me to say she was going to be in town so we organised to meet .
I booked a fixed price menu at a reasonable restaurant and was staggered when she texted me to say did I mind meeting just for a drink as she's not got a lot of money at the moment .
I rarely go out for many reasons and seeing that this has been planned for so long I can't see why she couldn't have "saved " the 30 quid or so that it would cost .
AIBU that i think she's shaming me and being pasive aggressive as there is no way that she can't afford it ? I know mumsnet folks will say , if she's you friend see her anyway ( which I'm happy to do ) but I feel there is more to this . She could have simply cancelled , said she only had time for a quick drink - anything .
What do I do ? Cancel , meet her and feel bad that she's got no money and buy her diner , or have a drink and f* off home ?

[LazyDailyMailJournos]

It's almost an affectation to say she got no money . Heh ho - it's a bit like saying I haven't got money to spend seeing you basically

You sound like the "weird" friend. You have NO IDEA of what goes on with finances behind closed doors. NONE. She's come back and made a reasonable request to ask for a drink only because she can't afford it. You're now stamping your feet because she doesn't have enough money to go for a meal.

A decent salary does not mean that someone has a load of disposable income - she may well have handbags and holidays and blah blah blah. For all you know there's a redundancy threat at work. Or they've lived beyond their means on credit and are now trying to rein their spending in. Or there are other financial demands.

As for accusing her of being affected - really? You sound like an utterly spoiled little Verruca Salt.

[KitKat1985]

Just because she has a good lifestyle doesn't mean it's impossible she is short on cash this month. Maybe they've had a big or unexpected bill recently, or maybe they've over-stretched themselves to get the big house / private schooling etc and are running short each month. Regardless I don't think she's trying to 'shame' you. In fact I find that quite an odd interpretation. It's probably more likely she felt embarrassed at having to admit her funds are so tight. Just meet her for a drink, and next meet up let her choose the venue.

[amusedbush]

What on earth are you talking about? Metaphor?

I have a fairly comfortable income but my outgoings are sizeable, I'm saving for a big holiday in March and I'll be self-funding my MSc next year so I'm putting aside for that. There are some weeks I'd be hard pressed to spend £30 on a meal but that doesn't mean I wouldn't want to see my friend.

I think you're being ridiculous and reading far too much into this.

[KoalaD]

You know it's this kind of crap that makes people not want to meet up at all, don't you?

[UsedtobeFeckless]

If you want to see her then just meet up for drinks ... l can't really see the problem, to be honest. You're overthinking things a bit - just go and catch up with her and find out what the problem is!

[MidniteScribbler]

I wouldn't want to spend any money catching up with the OP either.

[ArgyMargy]

Maybe she's on a diet and doesn't want to tell you because she knows you'll nag her into eating all the things she's trying to avoid. YABU

[becotide]

You do not know her financial circumstance and if you like her, you'll meet her for a drink

[Maudlinmaud]

Why don't you just meet at your house and you cook. £30 would go far.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I sort of get it op, as in the past I've had a friend say she couldn't possibly come out with us because she's skint; she later admitted that she went out with other friends that same night because she couldn't pass up seeing them. The inference of 'You weren't worth my money, but they are' was very very clear.

Having said that, your friend could honestly be skint right now. It does happen, so give her the benefit of the doubt.

[BlueThesaurusRex]

Maybe she’s on a diet and doesn’t want to tell people?

[Fekko]

OP - this just isn't about you! Haven't you event had a mountain of bills land together, your car goes kaput, your bonus doesn't come through and your cat gets sick? £30 on fun just doesn't seem reasonable.

I have a friend with a similar setup. We meet rarely - when she is skint I book a groupon meal offer and we have a good old catch-up. She does the same.

[PoppyPopcorn]

Shaming is the wrong expression -agreed.

But OP is pissed off that she's booked somewhere for dinner, which they have done in the past, at a reasonable price, she knows the friend has an income to support this meal out. She thinks the friend is lying when she says she can't afford it.

[ExConstance]

My friends and I are all empty nesters with reasonably well paid jobs and comfortably off. If this was my friend I'd simply say "no worries, my treat" and leave it at that. Sometimes if something happens financially or if bad times seems to be around the corner the instinct is to cut back on everything. If she had cancelled altogether saying that she couldn't afford it I'd begin to ask myself why, but I think here you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

[ILoveMillhousesDad]

I could be a millionaire and still not want to see YOU for dinner.

You sound almost obsessed an pre-occupied with 'things', money in particular.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

What do you do?

You meet your friend for a drink and you be her friend in a non judgmental way. Otherwise, is there any point in meeting if it’s just an exercise in competitive finances? Monopoly anyone?

[mammmamia]

She doesn't want to see you for dinner only a quick drink. Sorry OP.

[HolgerDanske]

WTF? How on earth is she 'shaming you'??

Are you trying to say that you feel you are being disrespected because your friend can't afford to spend money on a meal? You're really going to begrudge spending actual time with your friend because she doesn't want to/can't afford to eat during the time you're together?

Because that is really an awful attitude to have.

[JakeBallardswife]

I've not got a clue what your issue is, you're reading far too much into this. We have a great house, cars, all the rest you mentiion but then end up having a camping holiday as we've got no money that summer. It happens, its normal life.

In my circle or with my good friends, my standard response would be, now worries, my treat - but happy to meet just for drinks if thats easier. Then I'd buy the bottle of wine or whatever.

I think you may be the issue rather than her.

[HolgerDanske]

Maybe she's saving for something important. Maybe she's overspent and is trying to pull things back. Maybe she's having difficulties you don't know about.

[Bluntness100]

Honestly, you sound really horrible and paranoid. Why would you not take her at face value. If she says she can’t afford it she possibly can’t, she may be having some significant money issues.

What is making you think she doesn’t want to see you and is attempting to shame you? And why are you calling her names? That doesn’t sound like any form of friendship I’ve ever heard of. She was the one that’s invited you to meet. If she didn’t want to see you why would she do that?

[notafish]

I get your point OP but if this is the first time she has suggested this and there is nothing else in your relationship that suggests she doesn't value you as a friend - I think you have to take what she says at face value. In fact, since she initially contacted you to make the arrangement to meet up, I can't understand where your paranoia is stemming from. If you are wrong, you are then actually shaming her for not feeling able to stretch to paying for a meal - whatever her reasons - this month. If you meet up for a drink and act like a good friend, perhaps she will disclose more.

[MargaretTwatyer]

She has a big country house? No wonder she's flipping skint. Will have had the heating on in September this year.

[Mill46]

Yes all interesting poInts . Apart from the personal ones . Come on MNers be a bit more sisterly .
When she initiated the meeting rather than me some of that analysis does really work .