Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to resent being shamed by weird tight " friend "

262 replies

Mill46 · 13/10/2017 08:36

Back story - very old Uni friend and I get together every 3 months or so . We both very lucky and have worked hard . We have good jobs and earn what would be considered by most to be a very decent salary . We meet and have dinner somewhere that's not expensive . It's always nice to see her and I enjoy her company .
She has a complicated domestic life as compared to my rather boring one.
She contacted me to say she was going to be in town so we organised to meet .
I booked a fixed price menu at a reasonable restaurant and was staggered when she texted me to say did I mind meeting just for a drink as she's not got a lot of money at the moment .
I rarely go out for many reasons and seeing that this has been planned for so long I can't see why she couldn't have "saved " the 30 quid or so that it would cost .
AIBU that i think she's shaming me and being pasive aggressive as there is no way that she can't afford it ? I know mumsnet folks will say , if she's you friend see her anyway ( which I'm happy to do ) but I feel there is more to this . She could have simply cancelled , said she only had time for a quick drink - anything .
What do I do ? Cancel , meet her and feel bad that she's got no money and buy her diner , or have a drink and f* off home ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mill46 · 13/10/2017 09:09

I mean doesn't work

OP posts:
lalaloopyhead · 13/10/2017 09:10

Just a drink doesn't mean a short meeting though does it? Maybe she doesn't want to eat for some reason or other? Maybe she is genuinely short of cash this month, £30 is a quite a bit for a meal in my book.

HolgerDanske · 13/10/2017 09:10

And to be fair, if I was spending all my money on designer handbags, fabulous holidays and whatnot, I expect I'd quite routinely find myself cash poor for a month or two at a time.

It's really strange that you are making this all about you. There must be some emotional back story/dynamic that's making you feel this way.

greendale17 · 13/10/2017 09:10

YABU- why can’t you just accept the reason she has given you?

Fekko · 13/10/2017 09:10

I think you have too much time on your hands to be wasting on pondering this.

Seriously - if you do meet for a drink dont bloody well quiz her!

Fekko · 13/10/2017 09:11

And a £30 meal is rarely £30! Extra drink, coffee, service charge, tip, taxi...

presentcontinuous · 13/10/2017 09:11

Private schools and naff handbags don’t make you rich, they make you poor

^^ exactly this. I know people whose private school bills have spiralled out of all control and they are living off whopping overdrafts and credit cards to avoid moving the kids. £30 on a meal out is a lot when you have no cash.

wannabestressfree · 13/10/2017 09:12

It’s not about being ‘sisterly’ it’s the way you are coming across. I personally hate being put under the microscope, there could be by number of reasons why she doesn’t want to indulge in your fixed price pizza express extravaganza :/

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 13/10/2017 09:12

Sorry, what?! How are you being 'shamed' in any way at all? Are you normally so hypersensitive?

thecatfromjapan · 13/10/2017 09:13

The fact it's 'predictable' suggests you knew you were being unreasonable even as you posted.

Her text really is entirely reasonable. You know that, yes?

The fact you're saying 'money is really a metaphor' and going on about her lifestyle suggest that you have issues about your own self-worth.

You think you're not quite good enough - is that it? You think that someone who you perceive to be living a lifestyle that you think is desirable, and who has no evident personality flaws, must have some sinister, ulterior motive in being your friend, and judges you to be less worthy than her.

I really doubt this is what's going on. It probably is that she has cash-flow issues. My money is on difficulties at work (hers or her partner's or both) that she doesn't want to broadcast. That is far more likely. Lots of businesses are pulling in from investment and making redundancies at the moment.

pinkdelight · 13/10/2017 09:13

"Can't get out of pizza express for less than that"

I was recently shocked at the price rises in Pizza Express and decided it's now no-go for a casual meal with a mate. You're not very understanding, and rather weird yourself with the metaphor nonsense.

Holidayaddict · 13/10/2017 09:14

Asset rich/cash poor?

HolgerDanske · 13/10/2017 09:14

Pizza express is quite horrible anyway. Prezzo is much nicer, if you're going to go for that kind of place to eat.

Fekko · 13/10/2017 09:15

I remember when pizzas there were about a fiver!

KinkyAfro · 13/10/2017 09:16

You don't sound very nice, I wouldn't want to be your friend op. Your friend has stated she's a bit strapped and instead of being sympathetic, you've come on here slagging her and her lifestyle off.

ReanimatedSGB · 13/10/2017 09:16

You mention, very briefly, her 'complicated' domestic life. Could it be that she is suffering financial abuse? If she and her partner appear very affluent, that doesn't necessarily mean that she has money to spend - an abusive man might be happy to buy his partner clothes/holidays/a fancy car, because this gives out the image of Successful Wealthy Couple, but not allow her to spend money on things that do not benefit him.

Papafran · 13/10/2017 09:16

Maybe I am not as 'affluent' as you OP, but to me £30 for a meal is a lot. I have a house, a car, earn over 40k but if I have had to pay out money for something big, I have to watch the cash. Oh and as for pizza express, you would have to eat a lot of food for it to cost £30 per person. Why not suggest something like Ask or Zizzi's and offer to pay for both meals?

Oh and designer clothes and private school don't say much. Maybe her OH has lost his job, maybe she has. Maybe they have a shitload of debt and are trying to keep their lifestyle afloat.

I would always be sympathetic to someone saying they couldn't afford it. I would offer to treat or do something cheaper.

Another thing (although might not apply here). One of my friends has a serious eating disorder which she hides from everyone. She will come up with any excuse to change dinner plans to drinks (sometimes saying no money, other times saying she has another social engagement where she will be eating etc). I don't want to push her to eat so I will always go along with it and say it is fine.

WorraLiberty · 13/10/2017 09:16

It's only a bit of food OP

Eat before you go and stop obsessing over it.

thecatfromjapan · 13/10/2017 09:18

I think Papafran 's observation about the possible eating disorder is very astute.

I, too, have a friend like this.

Papafran · 13/10/2017 09:18

When she initiated the meeting rather than me some of that analysis does really work

So, it's clear she wants to see you because she initiated the meeting but she can't afford a meal. Why are you taking that as an insult? If she didn't want to spend time with you, why did she bother arranging it in the first place or come up with an excuse to blow the whole thing off? I can't get my head around your way of thinking.

HoneyIshrunkthebiscuit · 13/10/2017 09:20

She isn't judgemental you are.

coddiwomple · 13/10/2017 09:20

You are so BU and you know it.

I applaud anyone who is not ashamed to refuse to waste money in a crap restaurant (when they don't want to eat there) and prefer spending the cash somewhere else (private school, heavy mortgage or holidays).
It's a great way to KonMarie your finances -once you have paid for the essentials. Only spend your "spare" money on things that give you joy. If she'd rather have a drink with you, what is wrong with that?

FruBayerischOla · 13/10/2017 09:21

Your reaction to your friend's current financial embarrassment isn't particularly sisterly either.

As PPs have said, either offer to pay for her dinner or just accept her request to have a quick drink with good grace.

NoParticularPattern · 13/10/2017 09:21

You’re getting a Biscuit from me.

She’s said she can’t afford it, and somehow that’s her shaming you?! I don’t think you get how shaming works....

Bluntness100 · 13/10/2017 09:21

This makes no sense, you want mumsnet to be more sisterly whilst you yourself are on here slagging a friend Off because she said she was tight for cash. And what do you mean the analysis doesn’t work.

Honestly, if it wasn’t first thing in thr morning, I’d think you were drunk out your skull.