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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To lie so I can have a baby?

481 replies

LittleMissNew · 12/10/2017 13:49

very very long story short, I am desperate for a baby, DP and I have discussed it and its something we both really want

Problem is DP already has one DC - 9 and when I started going to the doctors saying we have been TTC for over a year she asked if we had any previous children living with us. I said no and she said good because otherwise you cant have IVF on the NHS if you do

I asked why it makes a difference and she explained that if my partner has his child living with us I can play parent to that child so therefore wouldn't be eligible.

At the time my DP's DC was not living with us but circumstances have changed and now she does.

However, there is nothing "in writing" to say she lives with us, no court orders, DP still pays his exw child maintenance and his exw still claims child benefit (don't get me started on all this its a whole other topic)

Her school and doctors address are still registered with her mum so how could the powers that be prove otherwise if I say no when it actually comes down to possibly having IVF? (I'm still being investigated medically at this stage)

I know morally I'm being wrong but I desperately want a baby and we can't afford IVF and to say that I can play parent to his DC couldn't be further from the truth, I have no say in what she does or doesn't do and she doesn't treat me like a stepmum.
Don't get me wrong we rub alone just fine but she has difficulty accepting her mum and dad splitting up - even though they had been split for a good 4 years before I came along - she's been used to having her dad to herself and I think she resents us being together in a way so I cant hope to be any sort of mum figure to her for the foreseeable at least.

I just think it's unfair that I'm being penalised for something that is out of my control.

OP posts:
diddl · 12/10/2017 15:58

"if one of you has a child you are not eligible for IVF funding. "

Perhaps there should be an option to pay for tests & procedures that Op's OH needs then?

musicform · 12/10/2017 15:59

others have said this but can you get a loan?

Frege · 12/10/2017 16:00

Before you fret about what to do, find out the actual rules.

Original poster
LittleMissNew · 12/10/2017 16:00

Wow peppapig thats really harsh i do not see her as an inconvenience in the slightest! I would LOVE to be more motherly to her but she just doesn't want it! How is arrangements between exw and my DP my fault??

OP posts:
20lbsToLose · 12/10/2017 16:00

The OP has a child though.

She doesn't meet the criteria so how is that fair. Play by the rules.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 12/10/2017 16:04

LittleMissNew this place is full of people who want to have a go.

On paper your SDD lives with her mum.
As you say, the situation cold be temporary.

This is YOUR life, not just words on a screen. You told the truth when asked.

Go for it I reckon.

Glumglowworm · 12/10/2017 16:04

YABU it's fraud

mintteaandbananabread · 12/10/2017 16:06

The OP has a child though

No she doesn't.

ImpyDimpy · 12/10/2017 16:08

Op you could do what I did.

No holidays for 10 years.

Work 72 hours a week for 16 years with just 4 weeks annual leave a year.

No new cars, no meals out. Xmas & bdays kept minimal.

£9,000 per cycle, rising up to £ 11k for my last attempt.

Commitment & strength is what it takes to make a baby via IVF & as wrlk as raise him/her when they get here.

Food for thought.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 12/10/2017 16:09

YABU it's fraud

It's not a criminal offence. It's not fraud.

stitchglitched · 12/10/2017 16:09

OP doesn't have a child. She has no legal rights over her stepchild and if the relationship with her partner broke down there is every chance she wouldn't be able to see this child again. Again with the arrogance of someone who recently had a baby telling OP to play by the rules. Especially when those rules are a postcode lottery.

Headofthehive55 · 12/10/2017 16:10

You don't have a child. You are not married. Luckily you have a friend (dp) who is prepared to act as doner.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 12/10/2017 16:11

There isn’t an unlimited pot of money in the NHS and unfortunately, many people think it shouldn’t be funded. I don’t agree and think it should absolutely be funded. However, when people do what the OP does, it takes away money from those who do meet the criteria and it gives a negative image.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/10/2017 16:12

You don't have a child. You are not married. Luckily you have a friend (dp) who is prepared to act as doner.

One that lives with her and already has a child.

2014newme · 12/10/2017 16:12

The op may not meet the criteria anyway due to her age.

KityGlitr · 12/10/2017 16:12

YWBU to go ahead with this while lying.

Think long and hard about this. Do you really want to go ahead with bringing a child into the world who was only there due to a lie? Not many people would... and if your sense of morality means you're okay with that, I doubt you're ready to be a parent.

The NHS isnt limitless. There's a need to prioritise funding as it's simply impossible for everyone to have everything they want all of the time. You wouldn't be reasonable to use funds for IVF when you're ineligible due to having a child within the relationship when that money is supposed to go to couples who have no children at all. Having a baby isn't a basic human right, sorry.

And to pre empt the inevitable, no I don't have kids yet. Neither does my partner, but if he did and I turned out to be inferfile i'd find a way to fund privately or accept it wasn't to be and be glad we had one child between us before committing fraud.

20lbsToLose · 12/10/2017 16:12

She's a stepmother.

I bet you think its OK to claim benefits youre not entitled to.

JacquesHammer · 12/10/2017 16:12

and to all the people on here who say, don't do it, and they have children, then they can fuck off. really they can

I had secondary infertility due to damage caused by a m/c. We didn't get ivf as we had a child. We PAID for a failed cycle.

MargaretCavendish · 12/10/2017 16:12

Impydimpy if the OP saves for ten years she'll be 48, at which point the whole thing will be rather academic.

And why do people keep going on about how this is some kind of test (either financial or, as you apparently believe, of her moral fibre) that she must pass to have a baby? If you can conceive naturally you can have a baby no matter how poor or dreadful you are, but if you're infertile then you have to prove you definitely, absolutely deserve it?

MargaretTwatyer · 12/10/2017 16:13

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE HOW MANY TIMES!!!

The child from a previous relationship rule does not apply to all trusts!

MargaretTwatyer · 12/10/2017 16:14

You still have a child Jacques.

mintteaandbananabread · 12/10/2017 16:15

You don't have a child. You are not married. Luckily you have a friend (dp) who is prepared to act as doner

kebab?

MargaretCavendish · 12/10/2017 16:15

Not many people would... and if your sense of morality means you're okay with that, I doubt you're ready to be a parent.

And again. If I went around telling all the women I know who are both horrible and pregnant (and I seem to know a few - while I do also know some very nice women who conceived easily, at this point I'm beginning to suspect that being awful is some sort of fertility booster) that I was worried that they weren't ready to be parents then this would, quite rightly, be seen as very unpleasant indeed. Struggle to get knocked up, though, and everyone feels quite free to pontificate on whether you're good enough to do it anyway.

MargaretTwatyer · 12/10/2017 16:16

Do you really want to go ahead with bringing a child into the world who was only there due to a lie? Not many people would... and if your sense of morality means you're okay with that, I doubt you're ready to be a parent

Oh yes because we decide who's ready to be a parent like this.

Plenty of children are the result of their parents getting shitfaced and having a bang against a bin in an alleyway. Are you going to give them the same lecture?

Or is it just the infertile who are treated to your pearls of wisdom?

Imonlyfuckinghuman · 12/10/2017 16:17

Actually it's the government and the rest of the fat cats that take all the money, they just like the poor to scrabble about for the scraps they leave.

Why should one woman on one street qualify and another woman on the next street over not - all because of different stipulations in each area.

A lady at my clinic was eventually allowed ivf because she AGREED to let them take her one healthy Fallopian tube out. She actually had an operation to take it out so she could qualify for ivf - the worlds gone fucking mad.

It's not up to anyone on this site to look down their nose at another woman trying to have a child when she doesn't have any.