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Original poster

To lie so I can have a baby?

481 replies

LittleMissNew · 12/10/2017 13:49

very very long story short, I am desperate for a baby, DP and I have discussed it and its something we both really want

Problem is DP already has one DC - 9 and when I started going to the doctors saying we have been TTC for over a year she asked if we had any previous children living with us. I said no and she said good because otherwise you cant have IVF on the NHS if you do

I asked why it makes a difference and she explained that if my partner has his child living with us I can play parent to that child so therefore wouldn't be eligible.

At the time my DP's DC was not living with us but circumstances have changed and now she does.

However, there is nothing "in writing" to say she lives with us, no court orders, DP still pays his exw child maintenance and his exw still claims child benefit (don't get me started on all this its a whole other topic)

Her school and doctors address are still registered with her mum so how could the powers that be prove otherwise if I say no when it actually comes down to possibly having IVF? (I'm still being investigated medically at this stage)

I know morally I'm being wrong but I desperately want a baby and we can't afford IVF and to say that I can play parent to his DC couldn't be further from the truth, I have no say in what she does or doesn't do and she doesn't treat me like a stepmum.
Don't get me wrong we rub alone just fine but she has difficulty accepting her mum and dad splitting up - even though they had been split for a good 4 years before I came along - she's been used to having her dad to herself and I think she resents us being together in a way so I cant hope to be any sort of mum figure to her for the foreseeable at least.

I just think it's unfair that I'm being penalised for something that is out of my control.

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 12/10/2017 16:17

MargaretTwatyer - I think we have a lot of Margaret solidarity!

RavingRoo · 12/10/2017 16:17

They won’t check. So you might as well. It’s no different to when women lie about ttc for over 6 months (or two years) to get faster treatment. Just be aware that you will have other women who haven’t lied around you in the waiting area so don’t talk about the child there like a lady in my clinic did. She was shopped immediately and publically and the clinic then decided to investigate after which she was banned from IVF treatment at that clinic.

stitchglitched · 12/10/2017 16:17

Yes the idea that those with fertility problems need to prove themselves richer and worthier than those of us lucky enough to conceive naturally is really horrible.

MummyMH · 12/10/2017 16:18

MargaretTwatyer - I'm very capable of reading thank you there was absolutely no reason for you to be so rude to/about me.

I was just explaining that I myself have JUST gone through this process. If the child 'issue' is stipulated it doesn't matter where they live. Some CCG's allow one of the partners to have a previous child but if it is stipulated, it does not matter where the child lives, you are not eligible.

user1485166754 · 12/10/2017 16:18

Rediculous rule - just lie

Joey7t8 · 12/10/2017 16:23

IVF is treatment for both partners. It really isn't a rediculous rule when one partner alreadt has children.

KityGlitr · 12/10/2017 16:23

"Do you really want to go ahead with bringing a child into the world who was only there due to a lie? Not many people would... and if your sense of morality means you're okay with that, I doubt you're ready to be a parent

Oh yes because we decide who's ready to be a parent like this.

Plenty of children are the result of their parents getting shitfaced and having a bang against a bin in an alleyway. Are you going to give them the same lecture?

Or is it just the infertile who are treated to your pearls of wisdom?"

OP asked. She came here specifically seeking advice and opinions. I would no more give my opinion on the morality of this situation unsolicited to couples who bang in an alleyway and get pregnant than I would ones who casually mention in passing their intention to defraud the NHS. But seeing as she's come here and asked, that's my view.

The thing is, given that the OP requires public funds she's NOT ENTITLED TO in order to have a baby, that makes it a very different situation to a couple who conceive naturally with no deception or funds from the state. It's unfair but nobody said life would be fair. As I've already said, there isn't the funds for literally anyone who wants a child to be assisted to do so and a line has to be drawn somewhere.

Joey7t8 · 12/10/2017 16:24

Why not just dump your partner for someone else? No ones suggested that yet have they?

AJPTaylor · 12/10/2017 16:24

i would lie in these circs. if there is little chance of being found out. i think that every woman should have an equal shot at motherhood.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/10/2017 16:28

Why not just dump your partner for someone else? No ones suggested that yet have they?

We've had move the DC out though.

diddl · 12/10/2017 16:29

It does seem to be a judgement on people who have a child & then want to have another child with someone else, doesn't it?

notfromstepford · 12/10/2017 16:30

For those saying if you can't afford IVF you can't afford a baby - it's not really the point. IVF is hugely expensive and payable in pretty much a lump sum. Having a baby is expensive yes - but not all in one go. I couldn't afford IVF, but was lucky enough to conceive naturally in the end and did have a baby. If I had taken a loan for the IVF and then added the expense of the monthly baby costs it would have been a big struggle. So just because you can't afford IVF or don't have £5k or so kicking its heels doing nothing in the bank - doesn't mean you can't afford to have a baby.
Good luck to you OP .

WitchesHatRim · 12/10/2017 16:30

It does seem to be a judgement on people who have a child & then want to have another child with someone else, doesn't it?

No it's called finite resources.

OnionShite · 12/10/2017 16:33

Do you really want to go ahead with bringing a child into the world who was only there due to a lie? Not many people would... and if your sense of morality means you're okay with that, I doubt you're ready to be a parent

This is one of the dimmest things I've ever heard. Like some cruddy morality play/lecture. But only the infertile get subjected to it.

If you think lying to get IVF funding has any impact on readiness to bring a child into the world, or you're daft enough to think most people agree with you, I doubt you're ready to post on the internet.

Voiceforreason · 12/10/2017 16:34

Never done anything dishonest in my life or encouraged anyone else to do so. In this case I am changing my mind. In what way is this fraud? If op needs fertility treatment she is as entitled as anyone else. The fact that her dp already has a child is irrelevant. If she had a different partner without children she would be entitled. If the treatment was for him I would agree that it could be considered unfair. The fact is it is treatment for op and I feel she is completely entitled to it. Go ahead op. I wish you every success.

mintteaandbananabread · 12/10/2017 16:35

It does seem to be a judgement on people who have a child & then want to have another child with someone else, doesn't it?

No, it's just saying that we can't afford to help people have children at all really, and if we are going to even try to fund it, it can't be for people who already have children. It's fair.

OnionShite · 12/10/2017 16:36

As I've already said, there isn't the funds for literally anyone who wants a child to be assisted to do so and a line has to be drawn somewhere.

This is a rather nonsensical argument when applied to this scenario, though.

OP could quite legitimately end this relationship and begin one with someone whose circumstances wouldn't preclude it. There are millions of childless adult men (and lesbians) to be enough to go around between all infertile women, realistically. She would then be within the rules, as would every other woman who isn't but who did the same. Funds would then be made available.

haveacupoftea · 12/10/2017 16:37

I mean morally it's not right. I've also seen threads on the conception boards where posters are encouraged to lie to the doctor and say they've been trying for a year or 2 even if they haven't. So it's not like this kind of thing isn't common... I wouldn't judge you for it.

OlennasWimple · 12/10/2017 16:37

The problem is that the OP's partner already has a child so (most) NHS rules are that he isn't entitled to get IVF treatment in order to have another child.

So the OP's choices are fairly limited:

  • pay privately, including for donor sperm
  • keep TTC naturally and hope for the best
  • accept not having a baby
  • explore adoption
  • find another partner

It might not be "fair", but life isn't fair.

MummyMH · 12/10/2017 16:38

This is a really difficult subject to get balanced opinions on as it's so emotive. I'm currently pregnant through IVF so believe me I know exactly how much of an emotional roller coaster the whole process is and trust me, it really is!

Your best bet is to look up the policy for your own borough. You can also call your local GP/hospital to find out which CCG you fall under and then contact them directly to find out their policy and have all the facts.

You're only at the investigation stage, I really wouldn't put any extra stress on yourself. If you end up going through IVF, it's a stressful enough process without any extra issues.

I wish you the best, whatever the outcome.

Cutesbabasmummy · 12/10/2017 16:39

The lack of morality on this post is staggering. No wonder the world is going down the swanny.

diddl · 12/10/2017 16:39

But Op doesn't have a child.

IhaveapenIhavepineapple · 12/10/2017 16:40

Have skimmed the thread and have seen both the posts saying it's whether one partner has a child regardless of residency and the others saying that's not the case in all CCGs. I've just looked mine up and it is dependent on residency.

IhaveapenIhavepineapple · 12/10/2017 16:41

Look

To lie so I can have a baby?
Bubblebubblepop · 12/10/2017 16:41

If I thought I could get away with it I would lie but it depends on whether you have understood the rules correctly. Whether or not your SD lives with you I wouldn't hesitate to lie about but I don't think you can pretend she doesn't exist, so depends on being able to clarify your trusts rules.

Tbh I totally understand how people can't afford IVF. I have close friends who've been through it (all over 35- the oldest 41!) and even when you are a high earner it's pretty hard to justify spending or borrowing £10k when first time at least, it only had something like a 15% chance of success. It's a hell of a lot of money and you have to think- when that first time doesn't work can you borrow £10k more? Then again? Maybe again? You'd be in huge debt which has a knock on effect to your credit rating making your other commitments potentially more expensive etc etc.

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