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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To lie so I can have a baby?

481 replies

LittleMissNew · 12/10/2017 13:49

very very long story short, I am desperate for a baby, DP and I have discussed it and its something we both really want

Problem is DP already has one DC - 9 and when I started going to the doctors saying we have been TTC for over a year she asked if we had any previous children living with us. I said no and she said good because otherwise you cant have IVF on the NHS if you do

I asked why it makes a difference and she explained that if my partner has his child living with us I can play parent to that child so therefore wouldn't be eligible.

At the time my DP's DC was not living with us but circumstances have changed and now she does.

However, there is nothing "in writing" to say she lives with us, no court orders, DP still pays his exw child maintenance and his exw still claims child benefit (don't get me started on all this its a whole other topic)

Her school and doctors address are still registered with her mum so how could the powers that be prove otherwise if I say no when it actually comes down to possibly having IVF? (I'm still being investigated medically at this stage)

I know morally I'm being wrong but I desperately want a baby and we can't afford IVF and to say that I can play parent to his DC couldn't be further from the truth, I have no say in what she does or doesn't do and she doesn't treat me like a stepmum.
Don't get me wrong we rub alone just fine but she has difficulty accepting her mum and dad splitting up - even though they had been split for a good 4 years before I came along - she's been used to having her dad to herself and I think she resents us being together in a way so I cant hope to be any sort of mum figure to her for the foreseeable at least.

I just think it's unfair that I'm being penalised for something that is out of my control.

OP posts:
MargaretTwatyer · 12/10/2017 15:44

The OP wants to use IVF. I conceived naturally.

But you say children are not necessary. So surely you shouldn't have had one? Why didn't you have your tubes tied or adopt? Do you accept free contraception?

I suspect like most people what you mean is not that children are uneccessary (because you found it necessary to have one) but that you know you will never need this service because you've had a child so you want to take it away from other people because you're so selfish unless something is relevant to you, you don't care.

I incidentally do you take contraception? Free from the NHS? So you're fine with the NHS paying out massive sums so that fertile women can control their own fertility and plan their families but not infertile women.

Rightio. That seems fair.Hmm

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 12/10/2017 15:45

Last time I looked you don't have to get thousands and thousands together in a lump sum before having a bab. IVF is thousands.

heron98 · 12/10/2017 15:45

I don't see anything wrong in lying.

It seems like a stupid rule. You're not your step daughter's mum so shouldn't be penalised for your DP already having a child.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 12/10/2017 15:45

**baby not bab

peppapigearworm · 12/10/2017 15:47

Surely the bigger problem here is that OP has a child living with her she has nothing to do with and treats like an inconvenience?

Should either of them be having another one?

Minorquay · 12/10/2017 15:47

Make sure you coach your partner to lie as well - no point in being caught out - I assume they have to be involved? If not then happy days - screw the NHS for all you can!

Minorquay · 12/10/2017 15:48

Just seen your last post - can the child move out for a while?

stitchglitched · 12/10/2017 15:48

I couldn't have afforded IVF as I didn't have a spare few thousand pounds. I can afford my children because you pay for stuff as you go along, not in a big sum upfront.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/10/2017 15:49

Make sure you coach your partner to lie as well - no point in being caught out - I assume they have to be involved? If not then happy days - screw the NHS for all you can!

And people wonder why the NHS has little money.

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 12/10/2017 15:50

So if OP's partner isn't eligible due to having a child, should Op find a donor or another partner?

OP would have to "try" with that partner for a further 1-2 years to be eligible for IVF with that person, which would almost definitely put her on the wrong side of the age cutoff.

LittleMiss - you need to track down the criteria for your area's Clinical Commissioning Group or CCG, which will probably be published online. This is the final and only word on what they will fund. Generic NHS sites can only tell you NICE guidelines on the subject - many CCGs have significantly tighter criteria. Google "NHS ivf eligibility [borough]" and you should be able to identify what CCG you fall into and find their eligibility criteria.

stitchglitched · 12/10/2017 15:51

There are far more things costing the NHS unnecessary money than IVF.

mirime · 12/10/2017 15:51

I don't know how much IVF would be but if you cant afford it will you be able to afford a child?

Don't know about anyone else, but when I was ttc no-one demanded thousands of pounds off me. Didn't when I was actually pregnant either, or while I was giving birth.

So yes, you can afford to have a child even if you can't afford IVF.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/10/2017 15:51

can the child move out for a while?

Jeez please tell me that isn't a serious suggestion. Shock

Where would you like them to go exactly? DC aren't a possession you can move around at your convenience.

MargaretTwatyer · 12/10/2017 15:52

Echo the above about CCG.

Read this:

fertilitynetworkuk.org/for-those-trying-to-become-parents/nhs-funding/nhs-funding-faq/

CCGs differ on their policies re children from previous relationships. It's far, far more likely that your GP is right than a bunch of not very informed randoms on the internet.

20lbsToLose · 12/10/2017 15:53

MargaretTwatyer

I did not say children are not a necessity.

This is about OP, who has a step daughter, lying for her own selfish reasons. There are people waiting and she wants yo jump the queue. How is that fair?

I haven't jumped any queue. That's what we are discussing. My ability to conceive a child naturally has nothing to do with this.

mintteaandbananabread · 12/10/2017 15:54

Just seen your last post - can the child move out for a while?

Is that a joke?

MargaretTwatyer · 12/10/2017 15:54

Where would you like them to go exactly?

To her mother's? You know, the one still receiving money for a child who doesn't live with her?

MummyMH · 12/10/2017 15:54

From someone who has just been through IVF - it doesn't matter where the child lives, the policy is that if one of you has a child you are not eligible for IVF funding. You are asked this question on the forms which you sign and you will be asked face to face too. To lie is really unethical and probably fraud - you'd be getting thousands of pounds worth of treatment you're not eligible for and I imagine they'd want their money back when you're found out.

MargaretTwatyer · 12/10/2017 15:55

She's not jumping the queue. This wouldn't put her forwards in any queue.

Namechanger2735 · 12/10/2017 15:55

Do it

MargaretTwatyer · 12/10/2017 15:56

It would mean she wasn't shoved out of the queue. Not jumping it.

You clearly have no idea what you're talking about. The OPs desire to have a child is no more selfish than yours was.

stitchglitched · 12/10/2017 15:57

20lbstolose you have to be pretty arrogant to have naturally conceived a child but refer to OP's desire for the same thing that you have as selfish.

MargaretTwatyer · 12/10/2017 15:57

it doesn't matter where the child lives, the policy is that if one of you has a child you are not eligible for IVF funding.

NOT IN EVERY CCG!!!!

FFS, why can't people read.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/10/2017 15:57

To her mother's? You know, the one still receiving money for a child who doesn't live with her?

The OP has said there is a reason she isn't living there.

Nothing like treating an existing child like an inconvenience is there.

TheEmmaDilemma · 12/10/2017 15:58

I was denied IVF of the NHS. My step child wasn't resident. It was enough that my Partner had a child. Apparently that should have been enough for me.

It's shit. But it's the rule.

Suck it up.