Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To lie so I can have a baby?

481 replies

LittleMissNew · 12/10/2017 13:49

very very long story short, I am desperate for a baby, DP and I have discussed it and its something we both really want

Problem is DP already has one DC - 9 and when I started going to the doctors saying we have been TTC for over a year she asked if we had any previous children living with us. I said no and she said good because otherwise you cant have IVF on the NHS if you do

I asked why it makes a difference and she explained that if my partner has his child living with us I can play parent to that child so therefore wouldn't be eligible.

At the time my DP's DC was not living with us but circumstances have changed and now she does.

However, there is nothing "in writing" to say she lives with us, no court orders, DP still pays his exw child maintenance and his exw still claims child benefit (don't get me started on all this its a whole other topic)

Her school and doctors address are still registered with her mum so how could the powers that be prove otherwise if I say no when it actually comes down to possibly having IVF? (I'm still being investigated medically at this stage)

I know morally I'm being wrong but I desperately want a baby and we can't afford IVF and to say that I can play parent to his DC couldn't be further from the truth, I have no say in what she does or doesn't do and she doesn't treat me like a stepmum.
Don't get me wrong we rub alone just fine but she has difficulty accepting her mum and dad splitting up - even though they had been split for a good 4 years before I came along - she's been used to having her dad to herself and I think she resents us being together in a way so I cant hope to be any sort of mum figure to her for the foreseeable at least.

I just think it's unfair that I'm being penalised for something that is out of my control.

OP posts:
2014newme · 13/10/2017 10:58

Nobody has a right to a child. That right is not enshrined anywhere it's not a legal or moral right anywhere.
Factually incorrect.

mowglik · 13/10/2017 11:20

Not RTFT but for the love of God OP dont be a martyr, just go ahead with it. Like you say, she may well move out and she is not officially living with you. Although I was also under the impression that any living child resident or not precludes you from having IVF on the nhs so do check that out.

HeartburnCentral · 13/10/2017 11:32

Haven't rtft but watching a programme on fertility treatment recently, the Consultant said there is roughly a 30% chance of success with an IVF cycle. It varies depending on the circumstances. It must be hard on couples with unexplained secondary infertility if they are not allowed a free cycle because they already have one child.
It is fraud to lie Op. Can they link your dp's social security no. with his maintenance payments/dc's birth register? What's the worst that could happen if caught? - I'd imagine if caught you would have to appear in court/pay a fine/pay back cost of treatment /possible custodial sentence depending on judge or making an example of the case for others.

sweetbitter · 13/10/2017 11:45

I think it's potentially quite dangerous to say to an infertile stepmother who really wants a child "sorry, you'll have to make do with your stepchild". It has potential to breed resentment towards the stepchild from the stepmother, as well as making damaging assumptions that the stepchild wants to be 'mothered' by the stepmother or that the actual mother would be OK with that. Stepfamilies already face enough problems, I think this NHS rule risks turning the heat up on those problems tenfold.

mintteaandbananabread · 13/10/2017 11:47

It isn't the NHS job to spend 20k+ in case a stepmother takes out her infertility on her stepchild.

cozzietoes · 13/10/2017 11:48

I'm sure many of the people replying haven't been in the situation where they are faced with never having a baby of their own.

At the time of starting the process, you told the truth, just keep going with it. Fuck morals and tax and all that shite. It's a stupid rule.

reallyanotherone · 13/10/2017 11:53

I agree with pp. stop paying maintenance, take the ex to cms so she pays you, claim cb.

Then use that money to pay for ivf if you can’t get free treatment.

MattAlbie · 13/10/2017 11:54

For one thing we do make judgements, we don't give you a new liver if you are still drinking, or new lungs if you are smoking. There are plenty of procedures you can't have if you are overweight significantly.

Those are not in any way moral judgements - they are rational considerations of the medical efficacy of treatment.

Fuck morals and tax and all that shite.

Brilliant - can we do that for other stuff?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 13/10/2017 11:56

I'm sure many of the people replying haven't been in the situation where they are faced with never having a baby of their own.

Then in my case you would be very very wrong.

BlueButTrue · 13/10/2017 11:56

I honestly didn’t spend 5k on my son for at least the first 3 years of his life, let alone initially. OP I’d keep quiet too

Shock I spent at least £2k on DS before I was even full term in my pregnancy!

sweetbitter · 13/10/2017 11:57

mint - that's such a simplistic response! To me the issues I posted about are factors in the overall argument. I think if the NHS is prepared to spend 20k+ on woman A who has no children and a partner with no children, they should also be prepared to spend at least something on woman B who has no children but a partner with a child.

mintteaandbananabread · 13/10/2017 11:58

It's not simplistic. Your point was idiotic.

Greyponcho · 13/10/2017 11:58

NRTFT, it doesn’t matter if they live with you - your partner has had a child. That excludes you, like so many of us, from nhs funded help with fertility issues.
To keep the lie up is fraud

2014newme · 13/10/2017 11:58

Neither of us had any children and where we live there was no funded ivf. We spent £20k ourselves. This postcode lottery needs to be addressed.

Mittens1969 · 13/10/2017 12:08

I'm sure many of the people replying haven't been in the situation where they are faced with never having a baby of their own

Totally not true of me either! But I suppose I’m influenced by my own experience in that DH and I adopted rather than experiment with donor eggs (I couldn’t produce any). My DSis offered to donate an egg, but I decided not to put her through IVF herself just to allow me to have a baby of my own.

But you know nothing about other posters’ personal stories!

sweetbitter · 13/10/2017 12:11

Do you think the NHS should spend 20k+ on helping anyone at all have a baby, and if so why?

Greyponcho · 13/10/2017 12:27

We were told that we could appeal for the funding.
I’m not going because the nhs is on its arse. How often do you see petitions on Change for the NHS to please fund life-saving treatments for people, because they’re told it’s too expensive and the nhs can’t afford it.
Is it fair that I don’t get the same opportunity as childless couples? Nope.
Is it fair that the nhs will pay for ivf but not life-saving treatments...?

zzzzz · 13/10/2017 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OlennasWimple · 13/10/2017 13:15

Yeah, obviously posters who point out that what the OP is considering is fraudulent and morally dubious have never ever had any problems with their fertility Hmm

mintteaandbananabread · 13/10/2017 13:16

And even if we didn't, we can still have opinions on it.

zzzzz · 13/10/2017 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cozzietoes · 13/10/2017 13:32

I'm sure many of the people replying haven't been in the situation where they are faced with never having a baby of their own.

Many. I said many. Not everyone. Many.

The whole system is unfair and stupid. Terrible reasons for not receiving funded IVF. Postcode lottery. Unfair. Having a stepchild. Unfair. It's bullshit.
It should be the same across the board. Some people get 3 rounds. Some people get one. Some people get none. How about everyone with diagnosed fertility problems gets 1 or 2? How is it fair someone gets 3 and someone else's gets none?

And that is exactly why I say keep quiet. The child wasn't living with OP at the time they asked so just roll with it and feel no guilt.

JacquesHammer · 13/10/2017 13:34

How about everyone with diagnosed fertility problems gets 1 or 2? How is it fair someone gets 3 and someone else's gets none?

Actually I just don't think there's a budget.

AssassinatedBeauty · 13/10/2017 13:38

It is all about the budgets. Different NHS areas apply different criteria because they need to reduce spending by different amounts. If you want everyone to have the same number of IVF rounds then the budget for this needs to be provided by govt and guaranteed to be available for this purpose. But people are happy to vote in politicians who don't want to spend money on the NHS so it isn't likely to happen.

zzzzz · 13/10/2017 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.