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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To lie so I can have a baby?

481 replies

LittleMissNew · 12/10/2017 13:49

very very long story short, I am desperate for a baby, DP and I have discussed it and its something we both really want

Problem is DP already has one DC - 9 and when I started going to the doctors saying we have been TTC for over a year she asked if we had any previous children living with us. I said no and she said good because otherwise you cant have IVF on the NHS if you do

I asked why it makes a difference and she explained that if my partner has his child living with us I can play parent to that child so therefore wouldn't be eligible.

At the time my DP's DC was not living with us but circumstances have changed and now she does.

However, there is nothing "in writing" to say she lives with us, no court orders, DP still pays his exw child maintenance and his exw still claims child benefit (don't get me started on all this its a whole other topic)

Her school and doctors address are still registered with her mum so how could the powers that be prove otherwise if I say no when it actually comes down to possibly having IVF? (I'm still being investigated medically at this stage)

I know morally I'm being wrong but I desperately want a baby and we can't afford IVF and to say that I can play parent to his DC couldn't be further from the truth, I have no say in what she does or doesn't do and she doesn't treat me like a stepmum.
Don't get me wrong we rub alone just fine but she has difficulty accepting her mum and dad splitting up - even though they had been split for a good 4 years before I came along - she's been used to having her dad to herself and I think she resents us being together in a way so I cant hope to be any sort of mum figure to her for the foreseeable at least.

I just think it's unfair that I'm being penalised for something that is out of my control.

OP posts:
sweetbitter · 13/10/2017 14:02

The solution is only within their remit if DSD actually stays living with them over the next few years which is the time it would take to save up enough from savings in maintenance money and child benefit that would otherwise have been going to her mum. Given that OP has said DSD has shifted her main residence multiple times if I remember correctly from upthread, this seems like a big long term gamble.

zzzzz · 13/10/2017 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sarahh2014 · 13/10/2017 14:39

I had ivf with my XH and because he had a child ( not living with us) we had to pay private I've always thought this was general protocol? It's unfair on the person who hasn't a child

sweetbitter · 13/10/2017 14:50

It depends what the main costs of having a given child live with you are and how they are shared with the other parent. For example you need to pay for a bigger house with room for your child 100% of the time even if they only stay with you 20% of the time - you can't downsize inbetween visits and pay less rent/mortgage by having one bedroom less at those times.

Yes you save a bit on bills, food etc. But unless the resident parent is paying for 100% of clothes, activities, pocket money etc out of child maintenance and benefit, and you don't contribute anything except maintenance, it's more blurry as to whether your actual costs reduce whether your child mostly lives with you or not.

Also OP has pointed out she'd be 40+ by the time they had saved enough, wouldn't this reduce her chances further?

zzzzz · 13/10/2017 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

juddyrockingcloggs · 13/10/2017 16:17

ZZZZZ

I absolutely agree with you. We went without, we loaned we did no DIY, we worked over over over time to fund those 6 cycles ourselves, the first two were egg sharing cycles to make the cost as low as could be and you know what? So did most of the people on forums I was a member of.

yelpforhelp · 13/10/2017 19:44

It is unfair. We couldn't have Ivf because my husband had a grown up child. However we could afford it so paid for 2 cycles.
It is unfair because infertility is unfair.
I don't know the answer but the nhs only has finite resources. Our child was born with a disability because of lack of resources we didn't get the care we should've had at delivery.
Sitting on the fence. Unhelpful

Roomster101 · 13/10/2017 19:47

I don't blame you for considering but I think it unlikely that whether or not the child lives with you makes a difference. The fact that your partner has a child at all will be the deciding factor. That would that be unfair on the step child as the resident parent/step parent might make them move out so they are eligible for IVF.

Belleoftheball8 · 13/10/2017 19:53

Heads up op this on the sun website the daily mail did the same to one of my threads

CaveMum · 13/10/2017 22:38

Piss off lazy Journos! Go and write something useful instead.

AutomaticSteeple · 13/10/2017 23:13

If having a child is important to you then do what you have to do. You won't look back in 20 years and think oh I'm happy I followed the rules. I don't think this rule applies in Scotland, you could always move

UpnAbout · 13/10/2017 23:52

The NHS, you live here, struggling to conceive, that's what ivf is for. I don't care what the rules of the day are neither should you. Go for it. Please do work on finding the love with SD you'd be surprised the joy you could find if you scratch the surface of a messed up 9 yr old. You'll be a much better mother if you can x

MidnightAura · 14/10/2017 00:21

I'm in Scotland and waiting IVF. We were asked if any of us had a child already. We don't but it impacted on the result.

I think YABU Op a little.

KityGlitr · 14/10/2017 11:30

Has the OP even been back? Has she got a posting history (dunno how to check)? If not I have a feeling this was started by a journalist in the first place and we've all fallen for it hook, line and sinker.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 14/10/2017 13:25

This is the OP's only thread.

They could have been scared off by the reaction /The Sun.

Or maybe it was the Sun wot done it. Hard to tell.

thecatsarecrazy · 15/10/2017 08:44

2k on an unborn baby ? Ok yes so did we, needed a bigger car so technically spent on Baby yes? Hmm

Intrigued2know · 16/08/2018 21:11

Can the original poster please give us an update. I'm in exactly the same dilemma :(

HappyHedgehog247 · 16/08/2018 21:13

I’m not sure others miss out as some posters are saying. It’s just whether you get it or not. Most people commenting won’t have experienced infertility.

toomuchtooold · 16/08/2018 21:43

As someone who got turned down for funding for NHS IVF after recurrent miscarriage I say, do it. The rules are arbitrary and very unfair, total postcode lottery, don't feel guilty, if you can get it, do it.

Riotgrrrrrl · 16/08/2018 21:54

I'm 38. Neither of us have children and have been trying for over a year and we've been told we can't get ivf treatment on the nhs.

You're bvu to cheat a system that's already on its knees.

Intrigued2know · 16/08/2018 21:56

I'm worried about if they could check as stepson was born within the same district and my partner is on the birth certificate. We have our first appointment on Monday and they're already under the impression there are no children presently..... Arrrgghh

Intrigued2know · 16/08/2018 21:58

Riot grrrrl can I ask what reason you were given for not qualifying?

Intrigued2know · 16/08/2018 22:08

Toomuchtooold I'm sorry to hear that:( people who can have child naturally (regardless of if they choose to or not) could never understand what us infertile women/men go through :(

BlackberryandNettle · 16/08/2018 22:39

Haven't read the thread. I'd totally lie though - the rule sounds completely ridiculous, your partner's daughter is already 9 and obviously has a mother alrwady. Scanning down the first page of responses - of course you doing this wouldn't stop a couple with no kids at all having IVF. They'd qualify and get it regardless of what you do.

BlackberryandNettle · 16/08/2018 22:42

Oh I've just noticed this is from last year - probably not going to be read by the op then!!

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