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AIBU?

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Original poster

To lie so I can have a baby?

481 replies

LittleMissNew · 12/10/2017 13:49

very very long story short, I am desperate for a baby, DP and I have discussed it and its something we both really want

Problem is DP already has one DC - 9 and when I started going to the doctors saying we have been TTC for over a year she asked if we had any previous children living with us. I said no and she said good because otherwise you cant have IVF on the NHS if you do

I asked why it makes a difference and she explained that if my partner has his child living with us I can play parent to that child so therefore wouldn't be eligible.

At the time my DP's DC was not living with us but circumstances have changed and now she does.

However, there is nothing "in writing" to say she lives with us, no court orders, DP still pays his exw child maintenance and his exw still claims child benefit (don't get me started on all this its a whole other topic)

Her school and doctors address are still registered with her mum so how could the powers that be prove otherwise if I say no when it actually comes down to possibly having IVF? (I'm still being investigated medically at this stage)

I know morally I'm being wrong but I desperately want a baby and we can't afford IVF and to say that I can play parent to his DC couldn't be further from the truth, I have no say in what she does or doesn't do and she doesn't treat me like a stepmum.
Don't get me wrong we rub alone just fine but she has difficulty accepting her mum and dad splitting up - even though they had been split for a good 4 years before I came along - she's been used to having her dad to herself and I think she resents us being together in a way so I cant hope to be any sort of mum figure to her for the foreseeable at least.

I just think it's unfair that I'm being penalised for something that is out of my control.

OP posts:
septembersunshine · 12/10/2017 19:59

OP, you would not be lying, just possibly omitting. If I were you and I got a chance to have a baby I would take it. Some rules are just stupid and I think this might be one of them. For all you know the child might be back at her mothers before you even start. IVF is a long road. You, personally don't have a child yet and this is your one dream. Good luck to you op. I wish you all the best

CatchingBabies · 12/10/2017 20:03

I didn't say it was right and I didn't mention careers or handbags at all, some strange professionally offended people on this post.

I said it's a possible way the NHS may develop as we all know budgets are being slashed and IVF is seen as justifiable to stop funding, rightly or wrongly. It's sad that it will then mean no one gets it.

Sallystyle · 12/10/2017 20:07

The rule is shit.

My ex was left infertile after cancer treatment. They saved his sperm and he and his wife weren't allowed NHS funded IVF because he had three children with me. They were not babies when they met, they had a great relationship but it didn't take away the pain for her that she couldn't have children with her husband.

If they are going to fund IVF on the NHS the system needs to be made fairer.

Would I lie? I have never been in your position OP so I can't say I wouldn't with 100% confidence. It's wrong and it is fraud but would I be able to be truthful when that would mean not having a child? I really don't know.

mintteaandbananabread · 12/10/2017 20:10

They were not babies when they met, they had a great relationship but it didn't take away the pain for her that she couldn't have children with her husband

Her husband who already had 3 children. You have to draw lines.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 12/10/2017 20:19

Awful to lie and another reason why ivf shouldn't be available on the NHS.

If you can afford to raise a chid you can afford IVF.

MargaretCavendish · 12/10/2017 20:19

My local Trust has just suspended all IVF treatment (except for those who have lost fertility due to cancer)

This is the rule where I live and I actually think the cancer exception shows how horrendous and cold the whole thing is. Infertility is always a medical issue, so saying that you can only have IVF if you lost your fertility through cancer is basically saying that normal infertility isn't sad enough to care about, but cancer is properly sad so that's fine. It also comes uncomfortably close (like a lot of this thread) to suggesting that most people are somehow to blame for their own infertility.

MargaretTwatyer · 12/10/2017 20:20

Yes. Draw the line when both parents don't have a child living with them.

BlackberryandNettle · 12/10/2017 20:20

Yanbu op. When you applied she did not live with you. Plus the rule is very harsh.

MargaretTwatyer · 12/10/2017 20:20

Sorry, a child of their own living with them.

BlueButTrue · 12/10/2017 20:21

You're bumping someone else off the bottom of the list by lying.

Try to have a little empathy.

I think that's an unfair comment. OP in no way, shape or form has child just because her DP does from a previous relationship. It's no where near the same thing

mintteaandbananabread · 12/10/2017 20:22

Sorry, a child of their own living with them

So a man could have 3 kids with one woman, 2 with another, and then you'd give his 3rd wife IVF for free?

Namechanger2735 · 12/10/2017 20:23

yellow how many rounds of IVF are you referring to? That's a very narrow minded view. To have a child you should have to be able to pay out an uncertain amount of thousands? And the difference between you having to pay can be whether or not your partner had another child with another woman years and years ago? It doesn't make anyone a better parent having paid for the treatment themselves, nor does it make anyone more or less deserving. Why should OP miss out on an opportunity to have a child because her DSDs mum is no longer her daughter

BlueButTrue · 12/10/2017 20:23

If you can afford to raise a chid you can afford IVF

Nonsense. IVF is one huge chunk of pay out (and often not just the one pay out either).

You don't pay for the cost of your DC all up front, you do with IVF

ferrier · 12/10/2017 20:33

@mintteaandbananabread
But it's not just about the man.
What about the woman who has no children of her own? Especially if the man's child is older then the woman has little chance to develop a 'mother' relationship with the dc.

Sallystyle · 12/10/2017 20:36

Her husband who already had 3 children. You have to draw lines.

Yes, but I don't think the line should be drawn there.

He had three children. She didn't. She was not their mum, they did not live with her. They had an amazing relationship but she was not their mum.

This isn't the thread for it really but there is a debate to be had about the NHS funding IVF at all considering the shit we are in but they do (which is great) and denying someone simply because they are a step parent is a special kind of shit. My ex husband's wife was no less deserving than someone who doesn't have step children.

Sallystyle · 12/10/2017 20:39

If you can afford to raise a chid you can afford IVF

I don't know why people trot out this shit and why they actually believe it. The ignorance is astounding.

I never spent 5,000 on a baby. Or however much IVF actually ends up costing.

wineandcheeseplease · 12/10/2017 20:44

I couldn't afford IVF but I can afford the resulting baby.

But yabu to lie sorry. Rules are rules.

Headofthehive55 · 12/10/2017 20:51

sadly I think we have encouraged the rise of people having chikdren later and I think it does cause more problems.
you only have to read some threads on here to see the social pressure not to have children "you are far too young in your twenties..."

Mittens1969 · 12/10/2017 20:56

Infertility is horrible, I remember only too well the hollow feeling inside every month when the period came, it takes over your life.

In a way it was easier being told I couldn’t conceive at all, it made the choice to adopt easier, and of course I’m very happy to have our 2 DDs. But for people with unexplained infertility I can understand how you’d end up wanting to try IVF over and over again and do whatever it takes to have a baby of your own, if you think there might be a chance.

RavingRoo · 12/10/2017 20:57

On average 3 ivf attempts produce a baby: so you’re looking at at a minimum of £15-20k for a single baby. Most people can’t afford that yet still pop out baby upon baby presumably because the overall cost of a child is aggregated across the population and the people who can afford ivf usually can afford a lot of extras for their children. I’m willing to bet the average parent spends nowhere close to 100k on their children.

MargaretCavendish · 12/10/2017 21:01

sadly I think we have encouraged the rise of people having chikdren later and I think it does cause more problems.

Again, the average age of women having IVF is 35, which means that the average woman having IVF started TTC in her early 30s. This is before most experts think there is any really significant decline in fertility.

juddyrockingcloggs · 12/10/2017 21:01

I was refused IVF on the NHS because the criteria in my area at that time resulted in me being deemed too young. I had been married for 2 years and was 24. I have immune issues through genetics passed down from my mum and Dad and my husband had a failed operation as a child because of undescended testicles. We would never have conceived without treatment whether I was 24 or 34. That rule stinks too especially as it wasn’t the case in other postcodes. However for a long time we scrimped and saved to afford our 6 treatment cycles. Of course we were lucky enough to afford to do that. We ended up paying 50k in the long run for our child because of the addition of Immune drugs on top of IVF. We couldn’t lie about my age so had to like it or lump it. Of course the exemption is silly but there has to be criteria due to the NHS not having unlimited funds so I’m sorry but lying about things is wrong. If I and thousands like me have to put up with ridiculous exemptions then why shouldn’t you?

Cutesbabasmummy · 12/10/2017 21:05

the people who can afford ivf usually can afford a lot of extras for their children. How offensive is that?! People beg abd borrow to find ivf! We are not all made of money just because we have to pay thousands to have what the majority get for free.

RavingRoo · 12/10/2017 21:06

Infertility isn’t caused by ageing mothers - most women who get pregnant in their late thirties/forties do so naturally. IVF ladies need IVF no matter what age they start conceiving.

BlueButTrue · 12/10/2017 21:12

Infertility isn’t caused by ageing mothers - most women who get pregnant in their late thirties/forties do so naturally. IVF ladies need IVF no matter what age they start conceiving

This x100

I had to have DS at 19, it was made very clear to me by two very straight talking Drs that my chances would be getting slimmer and slimmer with every year. So myself and DH of 25 made the decision to have a baby then.

Can you imagine if I wasn't married and was just absorbed in my career? Things wouldn't had ended up so peachy. And I've known from a very young age that I wanted to be a Mum, so I'm glad I met DH when I did.

Infertility is bloody devastating.

OP, I would outright lie if I were you. Do what you have to do, at the end of the day, as the old Eastenders say Wink

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