To lie so I can have a baby?

[LittleMissNew]

very very long story short, I am desperate for a baby, DP and I have discussed it and its something we both really want

Problem is DP already has one DC - 9 and when I started going to the doctors saying we have been TTC for over a year she asked if we had any previous children living with us. I said no and she said good because otherwise you cant have IVF on the NHS if you do

I asked why it makes a difference and she explained that if my partner has his child living with us I can play parent to that child so therefore wouldn't be eligible.

At the time my DP's DC was not living with us but circumstances have changed and now she does.

However, there is nothing "in writing" to say she lives with us, no court orders, DP still pays his exw child maintenance and his exw still claims child benefit (don't get me started on all this its a whole other topic)

Her school and doctors address are still registered with her mum so how could the powers that be prove otherwise if I say no when it actually comes down to possibly having IVF? (I'm still being investigated medically at this stage)

I know morally I'm being wrong but I desperately want a baby and we can't afford IVF and to say that I can play parent to his DC couldn't be further from the truth, I have no say in what she does or doesn't do and she doesn't treat me like a stepmum.
Don't get me wrong we rub alone just fine but she has difficulty accepting her mum and dad splitting up - even though they had been split for a good 4 years before I came along - she's been used to having her dad to herself and I think she resents us being together in a way so I cant hope to be any sort of mum figure to her for the foreseeable at least.

I just think it's unfair that I'm being penalised for something that is out of my control.

Typo fail!!

of course I would not* say not that, because it's not the same thing!

Did you seriously just type that?

It's true. Your boyfriends child is not your child, it couldn't be more different.

Would you say the same to those who have adopted as they aren't their 'flesh and blood

As an adoptee I find that highly offensive and you should apologise. Adopting is not the same thing as dating someone who has a child with someone else

I'm another adoptive mother who found the "not the same as if you have carried your own flesh and blood" pretty offensive. Even more so as I am also a birth mother who has indeed carried my own flesh and blood.

Anyway, diddl made the same point as the one I was trying to make upthread: in this case, the block is that the OP's DPalready has a child. The OP and others can complain that this is unfair, but it doesn't change the fact that the rules (in some places) are that the NHS won't provide IVF for someone who already has a child

After that comment you've shown your true colours and I won't be responding any further, leave everyone else to have a civilised conversation. Your attitude disgusts me.

You're still reading.

And I'm afraid the moral high ground is long gone, dear. Personally, I'm delighted to attract the disgust of someone who thinks it's ok to post what you have. Shows I'm doing something right.

Disgusting phrase to use. Whatever point you are making.

It's an accurate description of an absolutely revolting sentiment expressed by the poster I was arguing with.

Don’t do it, if they catch you then you have no idea what the consequences will be.

Realistically though what do you think the consequences might be? Once any fertilised egg is implanted, OP has got what she needs and she would have the chance of a baby. The very worst case scenario is prison, which is by no means guaranteed to happen, and she may well decide this is preferable to never having a child at all. If she's discovered before the implantation stage and they refuse to act, she's got the same number of babies and the same amount of NHS treatment as she has now.

Some rules are meant to be broken !

Can you not access ivf as a singleton?

These are the sentencing guidelines below.

www.sentencingcouncil.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/Fraud-bribery-and-money-laundering-offences-Definitive-guideline2.pdf

Suspect she would probably be at the lower end. Could well be non-custodial if so. This isn't my area, but I'd guess B medium culpability. Not sure how much the amount would be, depends on how many rounds. Unlikely to be more than 20k though unless the Trust gives loads of attempts, so category 4 or 5?

I think it is appalling that ivf is restricted if you happen to date someone with a child. It's not your child. You haven't got parental responsibility so how can it be classed as your child?

Perhaos you are better looking for another more suitable partner.

As an adoptee I find that highly offensive and you should apologise. Adopting is not the same thing as dating someone who has a child with someone else

As am I. I am also on the process of adopting my DSC.

Your post was offensive.

I think it is appalling that ivf is restricted if you happen to date someone with a child. It's not your child. You haven't got parental responsibility so how can it be classed as your child?

the ivf is restricted for HIM. He does have a child, he does have PR, so it is classed as his child.
OP is free to access IVF, the fact is that he is not, so she can't do it with him.

*the post was

can not believe some of the messages from other parents on here its a stupid rule me and wife were in the same position she has a boy from a previous marriage why should i be not allowed to have a child of my own its cruel and heartbreaking to be told that because you have fallen in love with a person who has a child from a previous child your not allowed even one cycle of IVF you should keep quiet and get the treatment you should be entitled too ps me and my now wife paid for private IVF treatment and it worked first time there is no greater feeling that to be a parent if you have to tell a white lie so be it

Can you not access ivf as a singleton

Not in the NHS. They treat sub fertile couples that have been trying to conceive for several months.

...if you have to tell a white lie so be it

The phrase you're looking for is "...if you have to commit fraud so be it"

e its a stupid rule me and wife were in the same position she has a boy from a previous marriage why should i be not allowed to have a child of my own its cruel and heartbreaking

You can have a child of your own. Just not with someone who already has children.

So what? I can't see why anyone could care about someone else decision that can only effect others in a positive way.
It's a stupid rule. Who's to know you're "lying"? And if you are caught out you say "she's only just moved on, I wasn't lying at the time of signing the form and with everything that's gone on with her upheaval, amending a form id filled out about her residence wasn't the top of my list".
You're not lying to MI5, I doubt anyone's looking to catch you out

Clearly though, ops partner is fertile so doesn't need treatment. In no other scenario do we decide treatment options or not on other people's medical or social history.

To me it's similar to a husband donating a kidney to his wife. We don't say, no we won't operate on you as you don't need treatment. Treatment us focussed on the one who is physically in need. In this case he is providing sperm, rather than a kidney.

I do wonder how much more of this we will see now that women are having children later in life infertility is affecting more couples and the funding will end up further restricted.

It would seem a sensible option to begin saving for potential IVF treatment if you decide to wait until after prime fertility to have children.

It would seem a sensible option to begin saving for potential IVF treatment if you decide to wait until after prime fertility to have children.

The average age of an IVF patient is 35. Given that most of those women will have gone through at least one-two years TTC before getting to that stage, it's clear that it is not the case that most IVF patients have left it 'too late' - for many of them, their infertility has nothing to do with their age.

It would seem a sensible option to begin saving for potential IVF treatment if you decide to wait until after prime fertility to have children

Because that's exactly how life works and everyone who isn't able to have children at 25 has done so because they're a hardbitten career woman putting in long hours and wasting their free cash on handbags and spa weekends.

Margaret
In response to your question, we actually ended up using a donor!!!

because that's the lengths people go to to realise their dream

Demonstrates and proves just how much you want it....rather than LIE.

Do you have any morals?

CatchingBabies many Trusts are already placing tougher restrictions on IVF. My local Trust has just suspended all IVF treatment (except for those who have lost fertility due to cancer) for the next 18 months.

One major problem is that Trusts are being over-charged for IVF. The majority of Trusts sub-contract IVF treatment out to private clinics who then charge the NHS. There is no flat fee set out by NICE/HFEA so the clinics are free to charge the NHS whatever they like for their services. A round of IVF actually costs about £2,500 if done purely at cost price (according to Prof Robert Winston), so the majority of clinics are profiting from other people's misery, both privately and onnthe NHS.

If NICE/HFEA said tomorrow that a round of IVF could not be charged out at more than, say, £4,000 these clinics would still make a decent profit and the NHS would be able to fund more rounds per couple.