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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To lie so I can have a baby?

481 replies

LittleMissNew · 12/10/2017 13:49

very very long story short, I am desperate for a baby, DP and I have discussed it and its something we both really want

Problem is DP already has one DC - 9 and when I started going to the doctors saying we have been TTC for over a year she asked if we had any previous children living with us. I said no and she said good because otherwise you cant have IVF on the NHS if you do

I asked why it makes a difference and she explained that if my partner has his child living with us I can play parent to that child so therefore wouldn't be eligible.

At the time my DP's DC was not living with us but circumstances have changed and now she does.

However, there is nothing "in writing" to say she lives with us, no court orders, DP still pays his exw child maintenance and his exw still claims child benefit (don't get me started on all this its a whole other topic)

Her school and doctors address are still registered with her mum so how could the powers that be prove otherwise if I say no when it actually comes down to possibly having IVF? (I'm still being investigated medically at this stage)

I know morally I'm being wrong but I desperately want a baby and we can't afford IVF and to say that I can play parent to his DC couldn't be further from the truth, I have no say in what she does or doesn't do and she doesn't treat me like a stepmum.
Don't get me wrong we rub alone just fine but she has difficulty accepting her mum and dad splitting up - even though they had been split for a good 4 years before I came along - she's been used to having her dad to herself and I think she resents us being together in a way so I cant hope to be any sort of mum figure to her for the foreseeable at least.

I just think it's unfair that I'm being penalised for something that is out of my control.

OP posts:
babba2014 · 12/10/2017 16:41

Honestly, I've not been on mumsnet for long compared to others but it's been a handful of years and your situation is standing out for all sorts of no.

  1. Are your married? For all the reasons people give on the relationships section before having a kid....
  2. His daughter is not gelling with you at all. I see a lot of problems when a new baby comes along. Being fair to both kids. Concern about child maintenance going to ex when she doesn't have her daughter when that could be used on both kids and struggling for money... That's two so far, forget the against the rules of the NHS thing.

I would look over your entire situation and all the problems you're already facing before even considering a baby, IVF or not.

guilty100 · 12/10/2017 16:41

"The lack of morality on this post is staggering."

Actually, if you look at ethics, there are plenty of moral theories that would justify the OP's actions on ethical grounds.

Findingthisdifficult1234 · 12/10/2017 16:41

I wouldn't tell the doctor OP. And go for ivf. Good luck x

OutComeTheWolves · 12/10/2017 16:41

I'd do it in a heartbeat.

KityGlitr · 12/10/2017 16:44

"This is one of the dimmest things I've ever heard. Like some cruddy morality play/lecture. But only the infertile get subjected to it."

Nope, not 'the infertile'. People intending to lie/bend the rules/kinda defraud the NHS's limited resources to obtain something they are not entitled to.

zzzzz · 12/10/2017 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mxyzptlk · 12/10/2017 16:47

If the rule is "not if you have a resident child" and the fact is that the child may well only be staying with you temporarily, then I'd say keep quiet.

diddl · 12/10/2017 16:48

Where I used to live you would be excluded as you wouldn't be considered childless.

"Funding for IVF/ICSI will be available to couples who do not have a living child from their current relationship nor any previous relationships"
.

OnionShite · 12/10/2017 16:48

Nope, not 'the infertile'. People intending to lie/bend the rules/kinda defraud the NHS's limited resources to obtain something they are not entitled to.

Nope, very definitely referring to this particular set of circumstances, so not people defrauding the NHS because that's possible in many ways other than IVF. I was right when I said the author of that quote (was it you?) isn't ready to be let on the internet yet.

Joey7t8 · 12/10/2017 16:48

The fact that her dp already has a child is irrelevant. If she had a different partner without children she would be entitled. If the treatment was for him I would agree that it could be considered unfair.

The treatment IS for him.

KityGlitr · 12/10/2017 16:48

zzzzz I think some posters are getting a bit mixed up between being entitled to something and really, really wanting it Hmm

juddyrockingcloggs · 12/10/2017 16:49

Me and my DH had to pay for 6 cycles of IVF/ICSI because of our NCT’s guidelines at the time. We now have a 6 year old child. The guidelines are there, whether unfairly or not, and we all need to adhere to them unfortunately. Why should you lie your way to treatment when so many of us can’t albeit just as desperate as you. I think you are being very unreasonable. Though, I can understand the thought.

OnionShite · 12/10/2017 16:49

Her area have enough money to fund couples who have no children living at home. They’ve done the maths and that’s what they have.

This assumes a certain level of calculation, rather than general gatekeeping. I'm interested to hear why you think that's so.

Hidingtonothing · 12/10/2017 16:49

Mummy's advice is spot on, researching protocol in your area and making 100% sure of your facts is your first step. From the replies you've had here there's obviously some variation in the rules and enough doubt that what the consultant said was accurate to make it worthwhile checking at least.

OlennasWimple · 12/10/2017 16:51

ihaveapen - just seen that screen shot you posted. "Children from any source" - urgh! What an awful way of putting it!!

KityGlitr · 12/10/2017 16:53

onion What are you actually going on about? Of course my (requested) opinion is about this specific circumstance. You're suggesting that my comments are aimed towards infertile people as a whole when they're blatantly not, they're aimed at people who lie to get treatment they are not entitled to. Sure there are plenty of other examples but this thread isn't about those.

What's your vested interest in defending the OP's wish to go ahead with this by the way (and trying to discredit me in the process 😂), are you someone who managed to gain treatment you weren't entitled to and is now upset at others having a differing opinion on it to you?

diddl · 12/10/2017 16:56

No children residing with you.

So if most stay with their mum, it's OK for a father & new partner to receive funding if necessary, but not a mum & new partner?

OnionShite · 12/10/2017 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Toomanypackingboxes · 12/10/2017 16:59

IVF is a total postcode lottery, there was no funding for anyone in our area ten years ago and I believe that is more common now. In some areas OP would be too old in ours the step-child would rule her out. Postcode lotteries are unfair and unlikely to encourage self sacrificing honesty in people. I wouldn't judge you for not disclosing this OP, I think the rules should be consistent.

Sunnyshores · 12/10/2017 16:59

Cant believe all the posters saying OPs happiness is all that counts. That really is a s**t attitude. I dont agree with the rule at all btw, but its there, so you have to suck it up or find a legitimate way to get round it:
save/get a loan for private IVF. a childs going to cost a fortune so you should have spare money now.
Move - your neighbouring healthcare trust area may be only a few miles away and may have different rules.
research other ways of increasing fertility - homeopathy, accupuncture, vitamins etc
Get proactive, dont just sit there.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/10/2017 17:00

Barren bitches better be quiet, though. Repulsive.

Disgusting phrase to use. Whatever point you are making.

MargaretCavendish · 12/10/2017 17:05

save/get a loan for private IVF. a childs going to cost a fortune so you should have spare money now.

What logic. 'A child's going to cost money, so why not take on a load of credit card debt in preparation?'

I've been 'lucky' that so far my problems having a baby have only cost us a few hundred for a private recurrent miscarriage clinic, but where do you think that money came from? What would have been my mat leave/baby costs savings. If I end up needing further treatment, which remains unclear, then we might blow through this, and then what? We can't spend it twice.

And again, why do only the infertile have to prove they can afford a baby? When someone posts saying they're accidentally pregnant with baby number 4 and penniless they get nothing but sympathy, even though the vast majority of contraceptive failure is user error.

Imonlyfuckinghuman · 12/10/2017 17:10

sunny it's such a ridiculous rule though. Why should every one just keep their heads down and not question or defy ridiculous red tape? Nothing would ever change if everyone was a rule obedient sheep

TheGoodEnoughWife · 12/10/2017 17:15

I think this is an awful rule and should only be applied if both parties have a child.

The OP does not have a child and the thought that she does as she is a step mother is laughable as she would soon be told she has no say over a step child if she dared to give any opinion on that child! (Happens all the time on here)

I think the opportunity to have a child should be made available to everyone. The NHS is really not failing because of this. I was lucky to conceive naturally but really feel for people who are not as lucky.

Imonlyfuckinghuman · 12/10/2017 17:16

Just pointing out I had one round of ivf on nhs which resulted in dd2 then we froze the eggs and paid for another round at 1/3 of the cost to implant frozen egg - resulting in dd3

Every one who needs help should be given this oppertunity

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