To ask why my daughter is being bullied

[CallingPeopleACuntOnFb]

She is 8, year 4.

She has been bullied on and off by different children for about 3 years

She is averagely pretty (I’m saying that because nothing stands out about her, ie very beautiful or very unattractive). She’s average height, very slim, reasonably bright and always clean, nice hair, the “right” School bag / trainers etc

Most importantly she’s sweet and kind and hasn’t got a nasty bone in her body. She does have friends but only a handful. (Although they are lovely little girls and seem to love dd)

After yet another visit to the school I’ve just had enough. I want to know WHY?? Why is she being picked on ?? I just don’t understand it....I feel like there is something “wrong” with her that I’m not seeing 😔

I was bullied in secondary school until I flipped my lid and smacked the bully in the head. It ended up in a scrap and we both ended up in front of the head teacher but the bitch bully never bothered me again.

I am not advocating that for your child.

My Dd had some problems at the beginning of this school year after she decided to get friendly with an unpopular child. This child was bullied by the "popular" girls, and dd, who was their friend but didn't like the bullying, rebelled. Her "friends" turned on her and it caused heartache for a while, as dd 's bff was in that group. But dd's friendship with the unpopular child is going very well, and some other girls are still dd's mates (not the bully group). Dd tells the bullies to grow up, and that she can be friends with whomever she wishes. But now they were mean to her mate they can stay away from both of them. They are all in Y6 and most of the mean girls are only being horrid to stay friends and be part of that group ie cannot think for themselves.

My husband rightly or wrongly follows the Dr Seuss mantra, of you can only be you and no-one else. Don't try and change your lovely daughter's personality! But she needs confidence! Your teachers need to buck up their ideas!

The zap course maybe worth considering www.kidscape.org.uk/projects/zap-anti-bullying-and-assertiveness-workshops/
They really helped someone I know

"Being bullied is an important experience and helps children grow up".

Oh fuck off you ignorant idiot. I bet you had delighted children's lives back in your school day, or I bet your child is a bully. They must be with you as an example.
Are you not aware of the number of children who have committed suicide over bullying.
Do you even care.

Being bullied is an important experience that helps children grow up

Fuck off! There have been studies that prove that childhood bullying increases your chance of suffering bad mental health in adulthood. Nice way to grow up eh?! Dumb shit.

This is the reason why I constantly train my kids to defend themselves. Dd recently punched a boy in the face when he kicked her shins and kept taunting her. Boy won’t come near her now. My kids know a kick or punch means they retaliate with one harder. I won’t jeopardise their mental well-being for the sake of being “nice to others”.

DD2 was bullied at 2 different schools. The first it was mild but she reacted and without meaning to added fuel to the fire. In the second case it was one child who systematically picked on her and was very sly, often trying to get DD into trouble. It reached quite a serious incident and parents were called into school and things improved for a while. Low level attempts were made to get at DD by this child after that but DD would just walk away, show no reaction and more importantly not talk to others so there was no "gossip" feedback going back to this child either. School were very supportive of DD and if she had issues she couldn't cope with she was able to go to staff to diffuse the problem. Eventually the bully got fed up of getting nowhere with her attempts to upset DD and she doesn't bother with her at all now. For her it wasn't learning to fight back or come back with a response but learning the art of walking away without giving anything away, even if she was unhappy deep down. She learned to turn that bad feeling into a good one knowing that actually her response was probably upsetting the person who was bullying her because it was not the response they set out to get. She could come home and talk to us about stuff and get the feelings out then instead when it was safe.

Sorry if I'm repeating anything but you said the school weren't aware of the physical bullying so from that I would assume that your dd didn't tell anyone? That may be one reason she is being victimised. Kids who hit generally don't want to keep getting into trouble or having to miss break etc so they will hit the ones who won't tell.

I also think that while most kids experience teasing and unfortunately being hit at school some are more effected than others. My dd and her friend both get a bit of hassle from some of the boys in their class. It bothers her friend a lot more though. The main difference seems to be that her friend seems to take what is said to heart and believe it whereas my dd will say things like the boys were being silly and roll her eyes, tell the teacher etc. So basically my dd sees the problem is with the perpetrator whereas her friend perceives the problem to be with her.
I think it's good to teach kids that how others behave is a reflection on themselves rather than anyone else.

I was bullied. The reason being that I never stood up to them. I had it drilled into me to "just ignore them" because yeah, that stops it. It's something I still struggle with to this day.

Does your daughter have ways to stand up for herself?

Sometimes you as the parent need to take the fight to the bullies yourself. My daughter was bullied twice in her life, once in primary school. It stopped when I went into the play ground and pointed out to the children in question that I'd rip their fucking heads off if they went near her again. They didn't. The next time was in high school when I employed a more sophisticated method of instruct ingredients a solicitor and threatened prosecution to both the bullies and the school should it not be stopped. The bullies mother was my GPs receptionist. So I instructed my solicitor to write to the practice manager to demand that she had no access at all to any of my families medical records as I had reason to believe she would share the information publicly. When it comes to protecting my family, I favour the scorched earth approach,

Being bullied is an important experience that helps children grow up

That’s complete rubbish! It leads to children having seriously damaged self-esteem and tragically leads to some committing suicide.

I suffered from bullying and it was a growing experience I could definitely have done without. It’s one thing I would like my DDs to do without, though DD1 has suffered from social exclusion and hardly been invited to any parties and been left on her own in the playground. The school have been dealing with it well though.

Hope things get better for your DD, OP.

It's often jealousy, but you could request in school mediation to find out why the bullying is happening.

No guarantee that the bullies will be honest.

Sometimes the bullies see it going on at home. They see abusive mums and dads and replicate the behaviour.

This has come up during a counselling CPD event I attended. A few school counsellors found similarities and mentioned issues in the bullies' home being a contributory factor.

I'm sorry your DD is dealing with this. It's horrible. Hugs to her.

potofbobbles when you say college what do you mean? How did you get them to take her at 14?

Being bullied is an important experience that helps children grow up

Wow!!
Can't believe this.

Having been bullied and my DD went through it, I'm dumbfounded at this comment.

Shocking.

Make an appointment with the Head to discuss it. State the impact on your DDs learning.

Ask what the plan is to deal with it.

I saw the HT when DD was in primary school after a terrible incident. It was taken very seriously.

The parents were immediately informed and one even called me to apologise.

I don't take my child being mistreated lightly and I find when you articulate your concern properly, they'll deal with it.

Keep emphasizing how it's affecting her learning. The purpose if school is to learn ... If that's being affected... They have to deal with it.

Put it in writing if necessary.

I have a sweet, kind, non-assertive people-pleasing DD (aged 7, year 3) who is popular and has never been bullied, so I don't think it's as simple as sweet/kind = victim.

Last year (year 2) a girl moved into DD's class from another school. Slotted in just fine, lots of friends, nothing 'odd' about her. Turns out she'd been bullied since Reception at her old school. No apparent reason to it, and she continues to be popular and well-liked at DD's school.

I remember reading something a while back about 'protective factors' against bullying. I can't recall exactly what they were now, but they were things like strong family links to the community, friendships with children with strong social skills, etc.

What are your relationships with the other children's parents like? I think primary-aged children are less inclined to be vile to another child if they regularly see the parent of that child chatting to their Mum/Dad on the playground.

DS was bullied. He was not your ‘typical boy’. Hates football, is gentle, kind, not rough and tumble etc (sorry for all the stereotypes!) and the boys in his class kept calling him gay amongst other things.

I felt so sorry for him. But I said he’d only get anywhere by showing he wasn’t affected. So we decided to come up with sarcastic replies, to make them feel shit. So when he got called a cock sucker (yes, in primary school) DS replied - ‘what, again? You called me that yesterday’ and ‘running out of names are we?’ Stuff like that.

It definitely helped.

Don’t find a reason for your daughter’s bullying. She is in no way responsible for anything. Bullies are cunts. And they aren’t just at school either, they’re everywhere!!

And no, bullying is not part of life, neither does it make you stronger. And it does do harm.

Sock I don’t really speak to the other parents as I work I don’t often do drop off / pick up. I do have a coupe of friends that are other mums at school but they are my neighbors and their kids are in other years/classes. I also know dd ‘s friends parents to say hello to. But I keep myself to myself tbh not necessarily through choice but by circumstance. However I do know who the some of the bullies parents are —and tbh most of them look rough as fuck—

I went slightly nuclear when DD1 was bullied aged 7. Was "traditional" bullying - group of little darlings repeatedly seeking her out at playtime to taunt her about a physical feature she cannot help "why are they being so mean to me mummy I would not be mean to them I don't even know them?". She's proud so hadn't told me but when it came out had been going on for some time.

I spoke to the teacher who did a session on being kind but obv that didn't work. I then wrote to the parents of all the bullies. The HT rang me up to tell me off. One of the parents cried. So all the adults involved were made unhappy. Tough shit. The bullying stopped and never happened again. The kids in question realised that bullying my DD meant a shower of shit fell on them from their parents and the school so she was never bothered again for her entire primary school. Obviously this is not the recommended approach but hey ho.

When my DD was being bullied, I found the boy in the school playground and pretty much told him to stop or I'd fucking kill him.

Not my finest hour and I'm very ashamed, but instinct took over. The bullying stopped instantly.

because some kids are c*&(s

and that cunting bullying advocater is allowed to work with kids. I hope that's not going to be her attitude to upset parents who come in over bullying. She'll have to give that view the elbow.

To the poster who said. Sometimes they have to fight back
But with the best will in the world. If fighting back isn't in them. You can't put it in them

I think back to school and the little children who were bullied most had no chance to stand up to it. It was an unbelievably effective hierarchy that kept the situation as it was.

It wasn't so much about their personality, just the incredibly unkind and stressful thing day in day out bullying can be.

I'd never expect a child to stand up to it if they just can't, nearly any one in that situation would feel the same.

I was bullied at various times in school because- I wore glasses, had braces, looked at a girl the wrong way so she called me a lesbian....went on for ages. Used to get followed home from school. Then they found out my dad was a police officer. That was fun.

Can I add to the weight of evidence around the view that 'she's being bullied because she's being bullied' although my reply is in two parts. Part 1.

My DD was bullied not over this summer but the previous one, in the form of being completely and totally ostracised by all of her friendship group and her BFF. It was I would say and not being melodramatic, as bad as a bereavement for her. It was just, awful. What did she do to need this treatment? Absolutely nothing. Previously v popular with loads of people, great BFF, out and about with mates all the time. So you can't (I've learned) even rest easy when they do get in a friendship group because there's just as much opportunity for total heartbreak there as there is from your 'basic' bullying. But what did cause this? Well, one really nasty girl who came in and agitated within that group and got people to align to her or risk being cast out - the fear of being cast out, of no longer being part of the group, prevents them from say no way mate, you bugger off, we're all happy as we are. They are SO afraid of being cast out that they side with the nasty girl and will watch someone nice, fun, popular, be cast out instead of them - the person being cast out doesn't have to have done ANYTHING.

Part 2. I agree with others that whilst your DD may be a really lovely sweethearted girl who doesn't find it natural to 'fight back' I agree with other posters - role play, self defence class, something to teach her about assertiveness, AND telling her clearly what is and isn't bullying. My DD didn't think she was being bullied so I had to explain to her that being cast out of a group used to be used (and still is) as a form of punishment because it's so severe and hurtful and it WAS bullying. I think you can't just say oh she's too nice to protect herself - as an adult she'll need to have the skills of being assertive, saying no to things she doesn't want to take part in etc and it would be really good for her to start developing those skills now.

I genuinely wish you all the best, being the parent of someone being bullied is almost as tough as for the child - the previous summer nearly broke me, never mind her (all good now, well, for the moment anyway - I now no longer have ANY faith in the current friendship(s) continuing and that they could come to a sudden end at any moment!!).

@oldpony

My mum did this - proper Hand That Rocks the Cradle incident!

This girl used to 'strangle' me with my scarf in the playground, primary school. My mum met us as we walked home, shoved her up against the wall and told her she'd have her if she touched me again.

She never did.