To ask why my daughter is being bullied

[CallingPeopleACuntOnFb]

She is 8, year 4.

She has been bullied on and off by different children for about 3 years

She is averagely pretty (I’m saying that because nothing stands out about her, ie very beautiful or very unattractive). She’s average height, very slim, reasonably bright and always clean, nice hair, the “right” School bag / trainers etc

Most importantly she’s sweet and kind and hasn’t got a nasty bone in her body. She does have friends but only a handful. (Although they are lovely little girls and seem to love dd)

After yet another visit to the school I’ve just had enough. I want to know WHY?? Why is she being picked on ?? I just don’t understand it....I feel like there is something “wrong” with her that I’m not seeing 😔

I'm sorry that your DD is having to go through this.

Having read your post, I feel that the only thing that the bullies could possibly dislike your daughter for is being 'too nice'. Maybe they view her as an easy target and think she'll never fight back. Or do you think they see her as a teacher's pet?

Are any of DD's friends louder/more confident than she is and could stick up for her?

Your daughter should not change who she is. She sounds like a lovely person.

Isn't it awful that kids can get picked on for "not having the right bag, shoes, trainers etc. Why the hell should it matter. Where as at one time a child would get what the parent can afford we now have to skint ourselves to buy "named" stuff just so our kids don't get picked on. Perhaps schools should try and drum it into these pretentious kids that its damn all to do with them what other kids are wearing.

I watched an interview about a guy who had been bullied and he said that once a child has been bullied by one child their confidence loss and esteem hit is visibly obvious to the bullies and they because a very easy target

^^ This.

Once a bully sees an easy mark and they will get away with it it's a free pass.

I was bullied in primary and secondary and it made me hate school so much I bunked off. I just lost all enthusiasm for school and did shit in my GCSE.

However if it was my dc because of the experience I've had I'd enrol them in a self defence class (mine already are) for self esteem and I'd play HELL with the teachers. I know it's bad form on MN to get involved when your child's getting bullied but my parents left it to the school and sometimes I really wished my mum would have come in and kicked some ones arse!

DD was bullied at primary school. Once in Year 4 and the other time in Year 6. She changed school at the end of Year 4 because we moved house, so it was two distinct and separate groups of girls who did the bullying. These were sustained attacks and it was the schools that informed me, not DD, bless her, who wasn't aware that she was being 'bullied' the first time and although she was the second time, but for reasons she still can't quite understand didn't want to say anything!

The schools dealt with it - very well at the first school, less well at the second school.

The good news is that she is now in year 11 and it has not happened since year 6. She and I had a really good think about how she could adjust her attitude and behaviour and come across as more confident and also how to make better friends.

Each situation is different and each child is unique but hopefully my DD's tale may cheer you up a bit OP. I was so sad for my DD at the time but I think it turned out ok in the end.

Only it is ...it's dreadful! It's especially bad in the UK I think. The US to I imagine. I found that Australia is nowhere near as bad for this kind of thing but have no idea why that is.

I think it needs tackling with some urgency. No idea HOW though.

Move her. I was bullied, my parents refused to move me telling me to toughen up. The experience has affected my confidence for pretty much my entire life. In the end I had enough and walked out of home after year 11, and lived in lodgings while completing year 12 at a different school of my own choice. That pretty much killed my relationship with my parents.

She's a kid, and needs you to have her back. Remove her from the situation as the school is not addressing it.

It is nothing to do with your dd, it is the bullies

Both my kids have got bullied at some point in their school (one of them for years)

It was the asshole bullies. When DS moved school he was fine.

Some kids are just nasty for no good reason, just because they can.

Kick up a fuss at the school, demand the parents of the bullies are told their kids are bullies. Ask the school to take action, all schools have anti bullying policies, ask them to act on it.

I would move you question from WHY is she being bullied, to WHY the bullies think they can bully. Shift your focus on the crime, not the victim.

Children have the right to be educated without wondering why they attract bad attention.

You say she's sweet and kind so that probably has a lot to do with it.

As a kid I was extremely people-pleasing and eager to make friends/fit in/play nice ..they could sense it and it was like blood in the water to sharks. I was extremely sensitive so even the smallest "joke" or jab sent me into a depression and cut me deep, and because I reacted so strongly I was the perfect target. And let's face it, even with no malicious intent kids can be unintentionally cruel.

whoever talked about deflecting with humor or indifference was right, I'm trying to teach my son to do that so the sharks lose interest. And to stick up for the poor kids they circle around.

I feel for your DD. I'll bet there is nothing wrong with her. Do not give the assholes head space by trying to work out why they are cunts. They just are. There's nothing you can do about them being cunts and they are unlikely to change.
I was badly bullied at girls high school. What helped:

Having a bff who was not at that school. We practically lived around each other's houses after school and at weekends. Her friendship saved my life, although it sometimes caused her target difficulties.

Refusing to think about the assholes when not around them. Took me a while to learn that.

Finally, I attacked one of them badly and had no more problems after that. My younger sister suffered the same and like me, didn't tell Mum. She told me, I told her to attack the girl and told her she may get into trouble but I would stand by her. I did tell her that I would only stand by her if she did NOT start it but if she did in retaliation.

She did that, she did get into trouble, me and my Mum stood by her up at the school and the bitch stopped attacking my sister.

Bullying makes me so fucking angry to this day and I really hope you can help your DD find a way through.

Good advice about changing her school if necessary.

All the Mums reading this thread: do you work with your children to ensure that they do not ever behave like bullies or stand by and watch others? Do you teach your kids to accept (and celebrate) other kids who are different to the norm, appreciate kids who are kind, etc., etc.
As parents we have to take responsibility for how our offspring behave - sadly I feel that not enough parents do so.

Thanks for the replies

The school are pretty shit to be honest. They are all lip service, cant apologise enough etc each time. The first occasion DD actually became ill from it, we didn't realise what was going on but for weeks she was refusing to eat much, she was waking in the night, felt sick all the time and was tearful and withdrawn. I even took her to the doctors. But eventually after a couple of weeks it came out that one particular boy was constantly physically bullying her. I went absolutely nuclear and ended up taking her out of school, threatened to move her and got the governors involved, I couldn't believe that no one had noticed. They seemed to take it seriously and measures were taken to keep him away from her and she has had no problems with him since. But there have been other episodes since that, although not as serious. Each time I go to the school but then something else happens with a different child. I am tempted to move schools but she says she doesn't want that as she does have some friends there.

I was bullied in year 7 to year 11, I felt so ashamed and told no one. I also didn't want to upset my parents. By year 11 I decided to not take their shit anymore and it stopped. I am 37 now over 20 years on and it still haunts me tbh so the thought of my dd going through the hell that I did kills me :(

I would honestly love DD to turn around and batter one of them but she wont because she just isn't that kind of person

I think bullies usually bully as a defence mechanism. They might see something in your dd that they lack or maybe even a similar trait. I feel bad for them but feel more sorry for the victim.
Please keep reinforcing to your dd how lovely in every way you think she is and help her to understand it isn't her fault.
It's great that she has told you what is happening but the onus is now on the school to stop this behaviour now. Have a look at the policy in regards to this. Remember it's not your daughter that needs to change.

I was bullied at school. I have awful self esteeem and I'm a people pleaser to my detriment. It's very much a chicken and egg situation - which came first, I don't know, but they're all related. We moved when I was 7, I had a very different accent and I think that was enough for it to start, then my confidence fell. I would work on that personally - bullies pick on people because they get away with it and get a response that satisfies them. I hope she can find a way to stand up to them since that seems to be the only thing that stops them. Hugs to you both.

Another poster posted 3 possible reasons kids get bullied and one stood out

We live in a pretty deprived area but we are ok for money as we bought our house cheap and DH has a really good job. I work too and we have a good standard of living. DC have everything they want and need, we have a brand new car (although its a company car), I have a convertible (although its fairly old) and a nice house, ours is one of the only mortgaged houses on the estate. She goes to gymnastics, we have lots of holidays etc, she also has a slightly different accent to the others. I wonder if she is seen as posh" ...I was exactly the same as her at school (went to a pretty rough school but had a nouveau riche builder dad!) and that was the "reason" I was bullied. I am really not showing off here btw we are small fry compared to most mners I bet !!

Maybe she's coming across too nice/a bit wet to these people and they see her as an easy target. I don't know how you'd get around this though.

Having a bff who was not at that school. We practically lived around each other's houses after school and at weekends. Her friendship saved my life

This was me as well! my BFF was my dads best mates daughter who went to a different school. Ironically my friend was tough and very popular and took no shit, if we had have been at the same school she may well have picked on me.

So sorry OP. I was bullied at school and my DD has suffered episodes of bullying. It's certainly true that kids can spot a 'victim' and bullying can become a pattern.

I tried to remind my DD that when people were being horrible to her, she must remember that it says nothing about her and and everything about them. All she needs to take away from those encounters is that they're vile people.

We also practiced simple retorts that she felt able to deliver: "Are you done?" said with a sneer (or at least a blank face), before walking off; "Having a bad day?" These kind of put downs diminishes their power and makes the bullying less 'fun'.

I was bullied at Primary and Secondary, never physical but lots of name-calling and isolating me from other children. I'm 36 now and the thought of it still makes my blood run cold.

The main reasons seemed to be the fact I wore glasses, that I was smart and crucially cripplingly shy.

I'd second the suggestion of enrolling in something that will give her confidence - martial arts, drama or dance classes would be great. I'm a big advocate of dance in particular as a wY of building confidence both in your body and in how you project yourself.

I was the perfect target for bullying at school - quiet, studious, braces, glasses, not particularly good looking, the whole lot. People definitely tried to bully me. But it never worked because I couldn't give a shit what they thought.

Bullying is a relationship -a relationship in which one person is powerful and the other person isn't. For the relationship to exist, the bullied person has to accept their role and play it - they have to submit to the bully's power. If the bullied person refuses to engage then the relationship doesn't exist and the bully will just look like an idiot talking to someone who doesn't even notice them.

Your DD needs to realise that people will always have opinions about her, but she can simply reject whichever ones she wants to reject. She doesn't have to accept someone's assessment of her, she doesn't even have to look that person if she doesn't want to. She has to take back the power and stop giving it to the bully.

I wish I knew. I have just pulled 12 year old DD out of school because of it. She does loads out of school and has no problems in any of those clubs. Just at school. So, I say it can't be her as such. My DD is a nice girl and absolutely puzzled by why anyone could be as nasty as the bullies were to her. She just if baffled. I can't help explain why, as I am confused by it too, as I am basically a nice person.

I always called her 'the child who never sleeps' and in the two weeks I have been home schooling, she has started sleeping, is less 'full on' and clearly has had a huge weight lifter off her shoulders.

I did this in desperation though, after a gang of 6 children and 3 'adults' were waiting down the road from school to verbally attack her. My friend witnessed some of it and it was vicious! That was the final straw.

That could be it, OP. I went to a school with a lot of kids from council estates. We had moved to a 'nicer' estate when I was in my second year there and from then on, I was 'posh'. That, combined with being someone who did well in school, never got in trouble and was well liked by the teachers made me a target for most of primary school.

I know it's a cliché bit she needs to learn to stand up for herself. My dd1 was very sweet and kind and at that age she was worried about getting into trouble, so she was an easy target. When a couple of girls started picking on dd3 she stood up for herself. All three got into trouble, but they left her alone after that.

I know it's a cliché bit she needs to learn to stand up for herself. My dd1 was very sweet and kind and at that age she was worried about getting into trouble, so she was an easy target. When a couple of girls started picking on dd3 she stood up for herself. All three got into trouble, but they left her alone after that.