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Original poster

To be affected by 'Slummy Mummy' type blogs?

154 replies

LoobyLoomicles · 10/10/2017 10:18

Am new to MN, so sorry if this is a topic that has been done to death before.

Background: I'm mid 30s, married to a lovely bloke and have a life that I'm very happy with. I've always liked children, but have not had any yet as was focused on my career. However, given my age, DH and I are starting to discuss about whether to start a family. We both have the same thoughts about it - we aren't desperate to have children right now but have both always thought we would at some point.

A lot of my friends are mums and on Facebook they keep liking and linking to various blogs and pages that I'd describe as 'slummy mummy' - ones that seem to emphasise how hard and unrewarding having children is, how you can only get through the day with alcohol etc. I understand that bringing up children is hard work, but it's got to the point where the unrelenting negativity (made worse when combined with the trend to NOT say happy or positive things about your children, in case it's perceived as boasting) is actually making me doubt whether I want to have children. Confused

OP posts:
poppl · 10/10/2017 13:47

The ones who are unhappy or having problems just tend to shout the loudest. Same on MN.

There are loads of fluffy, happy mummy blogs around, so if you want to read blogs why not read those? I don't read them because they make me want to vom, but they might be your thing.

You can unfollow people or hide stuff on Facebook if it's not what you want to see. No one is forcing you to read these blogs.

FarceFace · 10/10/2017 13:49

goodness knows there enough of those saccharine 'email your child's development month by month/week by week/milestone by milestone and barrage you with perfect parenting advice' type subscription email services out there.

Beansonapost · 10/10/2017 14:01

I don’t get how these can affect such a life changing decision...

I have 2 children... I love the “slummy mummies”... I felt inadequate when I had my first as I had and still have PND... and I didn’t do anything with her... never left the house because of my anxiety. I felt like a failure because I wasn’t taking her here there and everywhere... and I wasn’t up showered... make-up on dressed and have her dressed. I spent my days in my Pjs covered in vomit and breast milk. It’s nice to know not all mums out there are “perfect”. It’s nice to read other women’s struggles and it’s nice to be able to relate and get the sarcasm!!!!

If you don’t like them, don’t read them. Find something that is some suited to your tastes.

And maybe don’t judge the “slummy mummies” so much...

minipie · 10/10/2017 14:06

I don’t get how these can affect such a life changing decision..

To me it suggests the OP isn't really feeling the urge to have children, if she's so easily put off.

guinea36 · 10/10/2017 14:30

I totally get you.
Pre kids it seemed that all I heard from parents was moaning and misery! I was perplexed why anyone would have a baby!
The reality is that your life will change dramatically. For me a big part of early motherhood has been coming fully to terms with that. But what no one told me was that, while it might not be possible to go trekking in Nepal at the drop of a hat anymore, parenthood is the most wonderful adventure itself.

Sashkin · 10/10/2017 15:09

And also it IS possible to go trekking in Nepal if you really want to. It will be an almighty pain to organise, but if it’s something you’ve got your heart set on then you will make it happen. What you find after having kids is that you now have the perfect excuse to drop the obligations you never really enjoyed, and the stuff you “should do” (housework, diet and exercise).

I’ve continued exercising and kept up with my research on maternity leave, because I’m very motivated to do it in any spare minutes (DS sleeps through now so I have my evenings back). I’m not on top of the housework or seeing as much of my friends because it’s a lower priority. You will have less spare time, but you will have some.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/10/2017 15:28

The problem with these kinds of blogs is, on an average day I could say both of these things:

DD is struggling at school, getting bullied, falling behind, she doesn't listen very well and I'm tearing my hair out.

AND

DD is the funniest person I have ever met; sparky and individual. And you know what's incredible about that is that she is such a unique person that I can't really fathom how DH and I made her. And when she's sleepy I just want to curl up with her and smell her. Because she's growing up too fast and I want to get all the cuddles I can while I can.

One would be moaning; one nauseating. And I don't want to nauseate my friends.

TammySwansonTwo · 10/10/2017 16:05

I was like you, when put off trying for many reasons as we were freaked out by the much discussed struggles. Then my mum passed away and I hate myself for waiting. We got pregnant quickly, turned out to be twins and it's been a really tough year. Everything those pages sag are true - it is exhausting and infuriating and drives you towards drink, cigarettes, whatever your vice is... but they leave out the most important bit, that it's also the best bloody thing in the world and even when you haven't slept more than an hour at a time for months, you still love them more than words and feel like your life has a purpose in a way that a great career, travel, - great marriage and many hobbies etc never did. It also teaches you things you'd never have known, you discover that a year is actually a long time where a person can go from 3lb to 20lbs+ and breathing machines to standing up and laughing.

I have three chronic illnesses, hideous pain and fatigue and it's fucking hard - but if I can manage twins in this state, you can manage one baby. Trust me. I manage to get done more now in a day than I used to do in a fortnight - it's completely wiping me out (understatement!) but I can do it for them. My only regret is not doing it sooner as now my mum isn't here and I need a hysterectomy so probably no more unless I put that off.

It's very difficult to decide to try for a baby - it's such an unknown and I can't make you understand how awesome and brilliant and scary and wonderful it is unless you've done it. There's never a good time - just make sure you're as financially stable as possible and go for it is my advice!

HanutaQueen · 10/10/2017 16:44

I think there's been some really useful responses here (for me, no idea about the OP Grin). No, I don't want the saccharine 'giggles and cupcakes' blogs; they echo with all that's left out and I don't believe they are the full story. I'm not after some false sense of security, just more of a reassurance that actually it isn't just misery because for quite a few of my friends it just seems to be. Desperation to have a baby and then once it's here, misery, then they go for no. 2... but there's not a lot of mention of any of the good bits, what gets you through day after day of domestic drudgery and having to be 'on' all the time. Ah well.

DemonBaby · 10/10/2017 17:07

what gets you through day after day of domestic drudgery and having to be 'on' all the time

TBH that's a) really hard to articulate and b) the sad thing is that sometimes "what gets you through" is simply that you have to keep going.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 10/10/2017 17:21

Ha ha ha I had forgotten about Finnian's cell bedroom Grin I bet he pissed everywhere.

Op, I've been thinking about this post today (while running round and being a barely adequate mum) and one big thing I have realised is that I am a much better person since having children. More human, more fallible, more empathetic, kinder, more selfless.

My dd also said I am the best mummy in the world ever and she's probably one of the cleverest and best daughters in the whole world so she should know. DS says I'm the World's Worst Mum EVER but we'll gloss over that bit

poppl · 10/10/2017 17:32

Hanuta I think it depends how many kids you have.

I have an only and to be honest, it's easy. I look at my friend with two plus kids and it's just looks knackering

TheOtherGirl · 10/10/2017 17:52

I'll be honest, I found the first couple of years a really lesson in drudgery. It was relentless and often tedious, though I didn't resort to alcohol for breakfast to start the day.

But fast forward a few years and it became soooo much easier and enjoyable. And now they're in their early teens I think it's great (99% of the time).

Youcanstayundermyumbrella · 10/10/2017 18:13

I'm a MUCH better manager than I was before children. I have had soooo much practice in not wanting to be liked all the time, but just wanting people to do what I sodding tell them, and quite a few of my staff are basically overgrown teenagers. I now have those 'difficult conversations' and it pays dividends.

Not that this should drive anyone to have kids, especially if you're already a better manager than I was.

I also have four children so work is a break!

DaisysStew · 10/10/2017 18:14

Being a parent is hard work, there's no denying it. People like to vent and let off steam on blogs/forums etc because a) they can't in real life and b) it makes bloggers money.

There have been many a day where I've thought "why did I ever think this was a good idea" but then there's nothing in the world will compare to when DS slips his tiny hand into mine when we're out waking, when he sneaks upstairs while I'm on the loo because "I've been missing you mama" or that look on his face when I wake him up in the morning and he sees it's me there. It's a love like no other.

Blueskyrain · 10/10/2017 18:48

I think how difficult you find parenting depends on the following factors :

  1. your personality 2)your baby's personality 3)your partner
  2. your situation (number of kids, work, money, illness, teething etc).

I say this because I almost let the constant negative messages put me off having children, but so far (4 months in), the reality has been much better than I anticipated.

But that's with a chilled baby who sleeps, a husband that's around a lot, and only the one child. With that, personally I find it about 95% fun and about 5% work. Compared to work, and life pretty kids, I'm happier, more relaxed, more rested and less stressed. I know a lot of women find the reverse though, so there's a huge range of experiences out there.
. Don't let the negativity put you off. They are probably the same sort of people that are constantly complaining about other areas of their life. I still go out sometimes. Most nights I get at least 7 hours sleep, I eat with both hands, pee alone, and if I want a bit drink, I have one. Babies do change lives, but you do have control about how, and how you do things. You are the parents, your do it your way. It's really really not all doom and gloom.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 10/10/2017 18:53

I have a very bright but Sen child and I’m absolutely knackered.

TheSconeOfStone · 10/10/2017 19:02

I don't read mummy blogs much but will look a t a few my mum friends (well the ones I am on the same wavelength as ) 'like'. It's just an amusing little nod to shared experiences and a feeling of not being alone. A lot of the situations described are caused by trying to over achieve in the first place (over ambitious days out, trying to look perfect at family gatherings).

My two were hard work as babies, the first very much so. Turned out she is autistic and I always knew something was a bit not normal about how challenging she was. I felt really lonely as a new mum and sharing the misery either in real life with new friends or via the net made me feel less inadequate.

I joke that I am a shit mum when I forget their homework/PE bag, feed them crap, let them watch too much TV etc but I know I am actually a great mum who is raising two happy, loving children.

ethelfleda · 10/10/2017 19:14

I kind of get what you mean. I was on FB flicking through in my first trimester (now 35 weeks) and saw that someone had shared a hurrah for gin post (I usually find them quite funny) complaining about having kids during bank holidays and how vile it is while all her childless friends were off on all-dayers in pub beer gardens etc
I was feeling pretty sensitive and vulnerable at the time to be fair but I broke down thinking I had made a huge mistake starting a family and that I had ruined our lives!! That was an extreme reaction obviously that I can probably blame on hormones and being overwhelmed.

Now I absolutely can't wait to start being a parent.
Also - I have up social media because it made me miserable. I can honestly say now I am way more content not looking at Facebook all day.

ethelfleda · 10/10/2017 19:14

*given up
That should say!

TheSconeOfStone · 10/10/2017 19:20

ethelfleda I have looked with envy at beer gardens on sunny bank holidays while dragging hot and grumpy small people around. I might even have admitted it to my friends. I went on a hen weekend when my two were little and the pint I had on the Saturday afternoon in the sunshine was the best of my entire life.

I wouldn't swap it for pizza and cuddles on the sofa watching movies, or splashing in the waves at the beach together. You don't have to love every moment of being a parent, or never miss aspects of child free life.

headintheproverbial · 10/10/2017 19:27

Being a parent is utterly exhausting, often mind numbingly boring, hard work, lonely and will test your sanity at times. I wish I'd known what to expect!!

Yesyesyesyeswhatever · 10/10/2017 19:33

I have a clever, but sensitive 8 year old who now has mental health problems (anxiety, OCD), but has been hard work from day 1. Nothing could have prepared me for that.

I do wish I could rewind back time and decide to be childless for his and my sake. None of us are happy right now and I'm not sure if we will ever be, however hard we try. For me motherhood has been relentlessly hard work and crushing due to constant worry. Lovely moments of calm, hope and happiness are quite far between.

I guess my point is that you cannot know how parenthood will be for you, so decide based on your best knowledge (as did I, but I was wearing rose tinted glasses) and go from there. I'm an exception, after all, as many go on to have multiple children and are very happy.

HelloSquirrels · 10/10/2017 19:35

Ignore it. but prepare yourself because i didnt and its much harder than i thought it would be

twattymctwatterson · 10/10/2017 20:01

Honestly OP, parenthood is wonderful, it's life changing but yes sometimes it's hard. Sometimes you WILL feed your toddler turkey dinosaurs and think they are a bit of a dick. Sometimes you will be thankful that they're sleeping because you want a glass of wine and silence. If you think parenthood is only worth doing if it's always easy then no, it probably isn't for you.