To be affected by 'Slummy Mummy' type blogs?

[LoobyLoomicles]

Am new to MN, so sorry if this is a topic that has been done to death before.

Background: I'm mid 30s, married to a lovely bloke and have a life that I'm very happy with. I've always liked children, but have not had any yet as was focused on my career. However, given my age, DH and I are starting to discuss about whether to start a family. We both have the same thoughts about it - we aren't desperate to have children right now but have both always thought we would at some point.

A lot of my friends are mums and on Facebook they keep liking and linking to various blogs and pages that I'd describe as 'slummy mummy' - ones that seem to emphasise how hard and unrewarding having children is, how you can only get through the day with alcohol etc. I understand that bringing up children is hard work, but it's got to the point where the unrelenting negativity (made worse when combined with the trend to NOT say happy or positive things about your children, in case it's perceived as boasting) is actually making me doubt whether I want to have children.

Hi Op, I am a first time mum to new born twins and if i am honest being a mum is the hardest thing I have ever done and I thought I had quite a high pressured job.

The truth is there is nothing glamorous about being up every 2 hours to feed babies, constantly being puked on, explosive nappies, babies with reflux and colic! The babies are 8 weeks in and I love them to pieces but it has turned my life upside down, I haven’t drink alcohol since they were born but how would i, I don’t get time to eat! It takes 3 hours to leave the house. I do appreciate I’m more of an extreme case as I have two babies so double the work. I never read any of the Baby blogs before I had children but I really enjoy the slummy Mummy posts now as it’s tongue and cheek and I can connect with other people who I know are experiencing the same struggles that I am having.

**love!!

I think most of these 'slummy mummy's blogs came about because before then the only kind of parenting blogs out there were full of images of a 'perfect' family, full of recipes of nutritious organic meals that the kids find delicious, and how to fill your days with educational, stimulating activities.

The newer blogs were a bit of an antidote to that, and did help lots of people they weren't alone when they weren't 'cherishing every moment's because sometimes being a parent can be a bit shit. However, then I think it did become a little bit competitive as to who can be the most slack, and now most of them are a bit samey and come out with the same anecdotes.

As someone else said, they are aimed at people who are already parents and therefore already have the 'i love my kid more than I ever could have imagined' bit already ingrained, rather than people who are toying with the idea of having kids.

isn't it basic psychology - people report bad experiences 10x more than good ones? Report finding anything happy and easy, you're smug.

That said, DC are a huge life changing commitment. Spend some proper time with somebody's DC, enough time to see what it feels like to you but even so, it's a gut feeling not a head one. Your heart has to be in it and then any bad times are easier to weather.

They're actually a joke. You won't get it until you have children but the punch lines go along the lines of 'this is so f*ing hard, I need a glass of wine every day, my house is a mess, this is not what I expected but I still absolutely love it and wouldn't wish my children away-I must be crazy'.

For me, the first couple of years were very hard. But now DS is nearly 3, his speech is much better, and most of the time, it's magical. The love we both feel for him is all-encompassing - we're so excited for Christmas and Bonfire Night and Halloween and his birthday in Autumn because we know how much he's going to enjoy thse things. Everything he says is funny, everything he does is cute - it's like being infatuated with a new partner. It's so worth it, even though it is sometimes so tiring and frustrating, and I often miss my old carefree life (especially when I see my childfree friends going for a relaxing Sunday brunch or off out in the evening without needing a babysitter!).

But I have to say, I was desperate for a child and my old life felt hollow and empty. If you'd asked me even six months ago, was it worth it, I would have said no. I felt like, if someone had told me how hard it was going to be beforehand, if I'd really understood the ruin motherhood would make of my mental and physical health, I wouldn't have had my son (though even at the hardest I wouldn't have changed him). Does that make sense? But now I don't feel like that at all. The trauma of his birth, my illness during pregnancy, my awful PND in the first year, has all been forgotten (to the extent that we're thinking of having another!).

Who remembers when all parenting blogs were like this?

sewliberated.typepad.com/sew_liberated/2009/04/finnians-montessori-room.html

This remains, and always will I think, my favourite blog page of all time! 😂

don't want to have a baby without being 100% sure that it's the right thing to do for us.
If you are comparing with other people life already, then no, it's not the right thing to do right now. If you base your decision on a snapshot posted on social media, you are not ready! I agree, these "slummy mummy" are refreshing compared to the smug and fake gwyneth type.

If you want everything already planned and mapped, it's not going to happen.

The main thing about having children is that it is completely unpredictable. Your pregnancy, how you give birth, the feeding, the newborn... no one can tell you how it will work for you, no one can guess, not even the best doctors in the world. You have to accept that you will have to go with the flow and adapt as you go along. Even your 2nd (or 3rd or 4th) child will be different from the first one.

There will always be people who struggle more than you, there always be parents whose kid is a (genuine) angel compared to yours.

At times it can be hard work having children and I found the baby years particularly arduous. However now they are a little older I LOVE having kids. Couldn’t imagine a world without them. I’m mum but they’re also my best little friends and the odd sick and poo incident doesn’t take this away at all. Some people just aren’t happy unless they are unhappy.

I once read a book that called some people without children as Petrefied Forests. They’re terrified having children will mean they’re life is over and they won’t be able to do all the things they enjoy, but it so isn’t. Sure it changes a bit / a lot but the experiences having kids has given me are worth 1000 times more than the chance to go to the pub or a night away whenever I feel like it.

OP it is actually possible to have children without ever reading internet blogs.

I am 13 years in to this parenthood lark and I don't think I've ever read one beginning to end. I've never even heard of the blogs mentioned here.

If they stress you out don't read them. End of. No book or blog or forum will ever prepare you for parenthood because everyone's experience is unique to them, but that's not to mean you won't be able to deal with the challenges when the time comes.

It isn't any different than people complaining their husband left the toilet seat up/ accidentally bought them dog shampoo/ agreed their bum looked big when asked... instead of going on about how wonderful he is and how much they love him. Would you find such posts a reason not to get married?

I actually find the kind of love that hangs on in their when things are tough or ridiculous much nicer than the "so proud.." "feeling blessed" kind of posts. It points to the assumption of love, of course you love them, but.... When it's a post implying you love then because they are so wonderful, it feels more conditional - if that makes sense.

I've found having children to be the most fun thing I've done (and I liked quite extreme sports pre children) and am quite happy with the way my life has changed. However, I can love 90% of my time with them but when DH gets back, it's the worst 10% I feel the need to tell him about! I guess slummy mummies are the same.

It is hard work

It’s about being realistic birth is unpredictable
Newborns feed as and when they feel the need
It’s full of sleepless nights and amazing love I really is the most beautiful experience being a mother don’t expect it to be perfect we all just do our best and I don’t know one person who regrets becoming a parent it’s what bring them there joy in life

These blogs are entertainment. Observational comedy for parents. Not to be taken as an gospel account of raising children. Yes, kids are hard work but all the difficult bits are temporary, they grow so fast, every phase whizzes by. So if you want a few years of chaos and joy followed by the rest of your life with adult children then have kids!

Uokbing ffs!! Can you imagine How little finnian has turned out !?

I've never been 100% sure about anything in life. But I've had a lot of fun and heartache, and everything else along the way.

Have children if you want them. Don't if you don't.

It will never be rose petals all the way. Slummy Mummy blogs sometimes help just to know someone else is having a bad day. And sometimes a meme is the only real adult contact you have.

And I'm one of those Mums who regretted the end of the holidays etc.

Uokbing ffs!! Can you imagine How little finnian has turned out !?

I know, I occasionally look back on there. Apparently Finnian and his siblings are 'unschooled'.

Wow. The sew liberated blog is something else! I now really need to know if Finnian did indeed spend his time hanging out in the movement area and whether the nursing chair with single blanket wasn't just a bit uncomfy...

OP don't stress about it. I think it is hard to feel truly 'ready' to completely change your life, so I think worry and doubts are normal. I have several children and while I do have bad days where it seems like the universe is conspiring to make my life hell, there really isn't anything better than a baby looking up and smiling at you for the first time, or a little warm body climbing into your bed for snuggles, or even your teen making you a mug of tea and cosying up to watch a movie together. Motherhood may not always be Montessori perfect, but it is certainly the best thing I have ever done.

Oh gawd, ignore them. I'm sure somewhere on the internet there is a blog all about how the bus is horrible and full of germs and UGH never get on a bus ever, but because it's not thrust in your Facebook feed you never see it, so you don't go around thinking "am I not supposed to like the bus? Maybe I should not get on a bus".

I think people do this as a sort of humblebrag, basically they are so delighted with having kids and they love them so much that they are aware it sounds a bit sicky, so they have a moan. It's not my sort of thing but you are definitely not the intended audience.

Having a kid is ace, never laughed so much in my life. And as for sleep deprivation, PERSONALLY i think staying up all night watching Bojack Horseman is loads better than going to work in an office so didn't bother me. (JK am back at work now)

I'm not on FB etc, so I don't see this stuff but I'm familiar with it.

The days where women didn't really speak about the difficulties of motherhood have given way to the days where women feel obliged to not say anything good about motherhood - an overcorrection of sorts.

This has led to this tired and pernicious brand of humour that you speak of, which is predictably self-deprecating (in a false way) and not any more honest than its original version: 'everything's great!'.

There's a mother in my Pilates class who calls her children 'little fuckers' (they're not there to hear it, obviously), talks about medicating them so they'll sleep, taping them to their cots, putting vodka in their bottles, being drunk every night by the time her husband gets home, etc. Obviously she means none of this and she probably likes being a mother. It's just different fodder for bad, attention-seeking humour; if she were't a mother, it would be something else.

I’m in the same boat but we’ve decided it’s best for us not to. Mainly for the reasons that we both have mental health issues which will be passed down and I don’t think it’s fair for us to pass them down.

Secondly I’m a feminist and find motherhood so sexist in terms of what’s expected of mothers in comparison to fathers and I just don’t think I’d cope with that without my rebellion coming out. Small things like a mother can do no right but a father does one tiny thing and they get complimented whilst a women gets criticized.

Thirdly, looking realistically at what having children entails, the hard work, responsibilities and not having much freedom to go away, out to restaurants, all the planning and attending things like parents evening 😱 gives me the heebies just thinking of it.

It was a decision not taken lightly, but reading here I’ve come to realize that if you don’t have a complete urge for kids that it’s best not to have them at all.

Finnian's Montessori Room is the maddest thing I've ever seen! It's like a pioneer prisoner's cell.

What is he supposed to do with that ashtray on his wee table?

That blog page is (unintentionally) hilarious Uokbing!

Look OP the thing is as other posters have said is that these blogs started as a bit of an 'antidote' to the 'perfect Instagram mummy' type blogs that were all over the internet. The reality with parenting is that it is some wonderful moments, and some bloody hard ones. I have 2 DDs now (one 3, one 11 months) and I love them dearly and have never regretted having them, but by god it's been harder and more tiring than I ever thought it would be. Sometimes I like to read the 'slummy mummy' blogs so I know I'm not alone in having the odd bad day where fish fingers for tea and Disney films on repeat gets me through.

Oh, and OP, those 'Mum needs wine' type blogs are designed to be shared with a pal in the dark of night when you can't sleep and feel like shit.

Ah, excuse me, folks.

I've got to pay a visit to the Elimination Communication Area.

I get why people are saying you shouldn't let social media influence you, but I don't think anyone can be 100% sure and I don't know why people are saying you shouldn't have children just because reading negative things about it is making you think about it.

Just to give another perspective, I'm currently pregnant and while it is what we want, I think (hope!) it's also normal to worry about coping with various aspects of being a parent and the impact on your life (seems to be on the basis of all the other pregnant women I know). Some of those worries come from experiences of people we know, but also stuff on here, newspaper reports, research etc, some of which can be really off-putting and make you think about worse case scenarios. I have no idea what it's actually going to be like, but I don't think having some concerns necessarily means you shouldn't do it (although obviously it's about what's the right decision for you).

I've found having honest conversations with DH about expectations, what worries us is helpful, and while I think being a parent is going to be difficult, stressful, tiring etc. it does feel like the right thing for us. Good luck with whatever you decide.