To be affected by 'Slummy Mummy' type blogs?

[LoobyLoomicles]

Am new to MN, so sorry if this is a topic that has been done to death before.

Background: I'm mid 30s, married to a lovely bloke and have a life that I'm very happy with. I've always liked children, but have not had any yet as was focused on my career. However, given my age, DH and I are starting to discuss about whether to start a family. We both have the same thoughts about it - we aren't desperate to have children right now but have both always thought we would at some point.

A lot of my friends are mums and on Facebook they keep liking and linking to various blogs and pages that I'd describe as 'slummy mummy' - ones that seem to emphasise how hard and unrewarding having children is, how you can only get through the day with alcohol etc. I understand that bringing up children is hard work, but it's got to the point where the unrelenting negativity (made worse when combined with the trend to NOT say happy or positive things about your children, in case it's perceived as boasting) is actually making me doubt whether I want to have children.

Honestly, it's a bit...well, fucking nuts to allow some sarcastic blog affect whether you have children or not.

I'm sure these people are nowhere near as "slummy" as they pretend to be. I don't doubt that many of them are probably the most obsessively clean, tidy, and pushy mums imaginable.

I dont really think it matters if they're tongue-in-cheek in intent or not, either. They do tend to put a rather negative spin on bringing up children. I've noticed it's often just to promote some blog or other of theirs. I go along with the other posters - don't read them.

I'm curious as to what would make you feel reassured that having children is the right thing for you.

These blogs are a kick back at a lot of social media that talks about how much people love their kids, complete with beautifully dressed and photographed children and babies. Obviously those paint a far rosier view of parenting, but you will find many, many posts from parents on here saying how shocked they are by the reality of parenting.

Yes, as PP say, those blogs are predicated on the reader knowing that of course you love your kids, but... And plenty of parents hate them anyway - they're not a universal view of anything, jokes or not.

But at the same time, parenting really is dull and frustrating and upsetting and irritating quite a bit of the time, and blogs that express some of this can help parents on a bad day feel better. Our enormous love for our children makes up for all that, as do the good times, of which there are plenty, but it is, as you say yourself, hard work.

LonginesPrime - no, it's not being posted for me. I think it's just been a trend over the last year that my news feed has turned into a 'children will ruin your life' fest.

I think I need to work out how to block these pages, plus (as mentioned) not read them.

And yes, I think that I need to arrange some visits with my friends (or invite them to stay) so that I can see them in real life and have some child exposure (for various reasons there are no children in my extended family or my in laws).

Oh FGS. If you can't keep social media in perspective then I suggest you distance yourself from it.

The trend you speak of is nothing more than a backlash against the cult of the perfect mother who had no outlet to discuss the more challenging aspects of parenting. I personally find them very refreshing, though I suspect there'll be a counter trend along soon and they'll fade into the background in time.

OP - those blogs don't tell you about the heart wrenching love, pride and visceral pleasure that all parents experience each and every day when they look at or think about their children. Having a baby is like being handed the best Christmas present ever since the dawn of time, and that feeling never completely wears off.

The stuff about the boredom, fear, loneliness, frustration of parenting is all true. But they've left out the main truth, which is that your children also give you colossal pleasure and satisfaction each and every day. It's a total paradox and impossible to understand until you're doing it.

I don't know what's worse the 'oh children are so awful I put gin on my cornflakes' or the 'here's my two year wearing fairy wings, dinosaur wellies, making his own humous in my pristine shiny kitchen'.
It's all exaggerated made up

I can kinda see where you are coming from. I have seen a lot of fb posts and posts on here from people saying that they had banned visitors for weeks when they had new borns as they wanted to be completely alone with their dh and baby. Others saying that getting dressed and having a shower was an achievement. I was pretty scared of those first few weeks and imagined it would be hellish.

In reality, yes it was tiring and challenging, but of course I got dressed and had visitors! We had a little family bbq when d's was 5 days old (only 6 of us in total) and it was bloomin lovely. Unfortunately posting things like this can be upsetting to others who think you are bragging or being smug. Everyone has their own reality of life with young dcs. Sometimes it is mega hard due to circumstances completely beyond your control (pnd, reflux etc) sometimes it is hard due to lack of support from dh/family, sometimes you just strike it lucky with an 'easy' baby.

D's was easy- until the teething started!

Like the other pps have said, saying how much you love your baby and that you managed to watch a lot of box sets while on mat leave isn't very interesting!

I don't know what slummy mummy blogs are.
But if you are reading and absorbing those ideas I don';t think you should be surprised if it affects you negatively.

Sure having kids isn't all sunshine and roses - but it isn't all gloom and doom either. Like life in general, it's a pretty mixed bag, though I don't know of any way to get the massive BOOMS of love children bring.

Pre-kids, you believe what you see on the telly - pregnancy is a montage going from positive test to your waters breaking and a quick labour in about half an hour, babies are snuffly, soft-focused cherubs and early motherhood is a compilation of easy breastfeeding and adoring looks and cuddles.

It's not. There's a bit of that, and your mileage may of course vary, but it's also a crap-tonne of hard work, sleep deprivation and anxiety. That's why parents get a kick out of blogs etc. that poke fun at the cherub stereotype. Once you've seen your little angel throw a massive wobbler, snot dribbling off their chin, little limbs pounding the ground, the spell is broken somewhat.

What those blogs don't tell you, though, is that it's completely worth it.

Absolutely have kids if you want them, but don't pretend it'll be a walk in the park, because it won't be and I don't believe there's much value in willingly turning a blind eye towards the reality of it all. Be prepared and know what you're getting yourself into, and you have a much better shot at coping.

Minifingerz - your last sentence explains it perfectly. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in.

I suppose it's because of my body clock ticking, I'm thinking 'is it the right time' but don't want to have a baby without being 100% sure that it's the right thing to do for us.

Honestly, I think that if a few light-hearted blogs are enough to put you off wanting children then perhaps you weren't that fussed about having them in the first place.

Either way, get off social media and see your friends IRL. Much better for everyone's mental health all around.

I had the same worries. Its not nearly as hard as those blog make out but i work full time which I find easier than being at home. If your OH is supportive you should be fine.

I don’t pay much attention to the blogs but someone bought me the Hurrah for Gin book for Christmas whilst I was having a horrendous pregnancy whilst looking after a 2 year old. It really helped me as it reminded me that you can love your children unconditionally even when not on form and not being perfect. It’s was the light relief I needed.

If it’s not your thing just ignore.

I think most blogs exagerate a bit...either good or bad and the reality is often somewhere in the middle.

Look at your RL close friends with DC, that's probably closer to the truth of what it's like.

Or read some of the wholesome twee blogs for balance [grin

Tbh, I find the moany blogs/ people much more stress inducing than the smug ones - my social media edited so all i see is baking, cute dc, peoples holidays etc - I treat it like a nice fluffy magazine

I have 2 DC. I love them dearly and wouldn't be without them, but it is an odd thing that the cons of having them are so obvious (stress, exhaustion, tantrums, worry about everything less money, no time to yourself, a 1000fold increase in housework, the physical toll pregnancy and childbirth take etc etc) and the pros are fairly intangible - cuddles, something cute to look at??

Having said that you don't have to have children if you don't fancy it, and make sure you absolutely want to before you do

Absolutely this.

Just to counter some of the negativity, having my dc is the best and most positive thing I’ve ever done. They were easy babies, fun kids and now they are really great teenagers, fun to be around and really good people generally. I love them with all my heart. With a love that’s bigger and stronger than any I’ve ever felt and I wouldn’t change not having them.

In short they are not the reason I drink

You say you aren't 100% sure op. So, don't do it for goodness sake! It's a huge decision. I get why you're struggling.

I know this isn't a fail safe option, but psychologically you might feel better if you do it; is having eggs frozen a possibility for you? If you're purely worried about biological clock.

Also, leave Facebook. It is the devil's work imo (I'm odd though )!

I drink quite a bit less now than pre kids, but I did thank the stars I had that bottle in the cupboard after the incident with DD and the pink doll

I don't think you can be absolutely certain though. You can't know what you don't know.

You have to do what the rest of us do if you decide to take the plunge: hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Then be prepared to tear your plan up and throw it out of the window!

Do most of your friends have toddlers? Because they are fucking unreasonable most of the time and utterly exhausting about 80% of the time. Then they're asleep the rest :)

Forget everyone else.
Do what you both want.

When I had my DD I was surprised how much I enjoyed having a baby and being a mum - I'd read/heard so much negativity about children that I'd expected it to be a never-ending slog. People who say to pregnant women 'ooh, make the most of your sleep now - you won't get any once you have a baby' really boil my piss and, if I hear people say things like that, I always try to counter it with 'having a baby was the best thing that DH & I did'.

If you are deciding whether to have children, I wouldn't focus on the baby stage, it only lasts a short while.

It's all about having the flexibility to change your POV on issues. Learn as you go along and be willing to adapt to your child's needs.

Knowing a bit about child development would help.

Then think about the life changes, around holidays, hobbies, general free time. Having to sort out the school run for around eight years, needing time off for illness etc.

Agree all those before you get pregnant.

If you want to wait a couple more years, then get your fertility tested, unless you know that you have the funds for at least three rounds of IVF.

The stories on MN about Women over 38 having a live Birth, doesn't the nation wide figures.

I think it's a bit of an 'in' joke.

We all live our kids really !!