To be affected by 'Slummy Mummy' type blogs?

[LoobyLoomicles]

Am new to MN, so sorry if this is a topic that has been done to death before.

Background: I'm mid 30s, married to a lovely bloke and have a life that I'm very happy with. I've always liked children, but have not had any yet as was focused on my career. However, given my age, DH and I are starting to discuss about whether to start a family. We both have the same thoughts about it - we aren't desperate to have children right now but have both always thought we would at some point.

A lot of my friends are mums and on Facebook they keep liking and linking to various blogs and pages that I'd describe as 'slummy mummy' - ones that seem to emphasise how hard and unrewarding having children is, how you can only get through the day with alcohol etc. I understand that bringing up children is hard work, but it's got to the point where the unrelenting negativity (made worse when combined with the trend to NOT say happy or positive things about your children, in case it's perceived as boasting) is actually making me doubt whether I want to have children.

kids aren't that bad or else people wouldn't have more than 1. i think it is just the fashion to not say it is easy.

for most people it is somewhere in between easy and difficult and some bits/phases are good and others a nightmare.

most people just get on with life and don't over-analyse bloody everything for some meaning.

Parenting is hard work - make no mistake about it. I have two - 3 and a 1 year old - some days i hide in the toilet for 15 minutes and worry about what on earth is going on downstairs (they will be with my husband) Some days i wish i thought my decision to have two so close together a little more carefully. BUT - they are great and they are such funny little people. I would never change them nor change what i have. They're so cool.

These blogs are meant to be tongue in cheek - all quite 'oh look at me, parenting is sooooooo hard, pass the wine dah-ling' - please dont make your decision to have such a life altering addition event based on a few blogs.

The love you have for your children is like no other.
There are many wonderful moments to being a parent.
But it can also be hard work, dull, relentless and challenging. That's all those blogs reflect

When mine were little I used to hide in the bathroom too some days were bloody torture but the bigger picture is different from snap shots and oh so hilarious blogs. I brought mine up pre internet I never got to moan on the internet but if I could I would have.

When I was in labour with my son, the midwife told DH to put the babygro on the radiator because he would arrive soon. I was off my tits on gas and air and I thought 'fuck! there's going to be a real person in there!' I still can't think about it without tears.

Then he arrived (with all the usual gore) and the midwife handed him to me. I held him up to my face and he breathed - I could feel his breath on my face. This was person, an actual real person, who had come out of me. It was just fucking incredible.

And now, from that tiny baby a lanky six year old has emerged. It is unbelievable. I can't get over the fact that I have a son (and now also, equally amazingly, a daughter).

There are days when I feel so tired and I just want a rest from being in charge of people. But nothing can come close to the feeling of holding my baby and feeling his breath. I will never get over it and I don't think anything could be so utterly gobsmackingly out of this world. It's like magic really does exist.

So that's what being a parent is.

Everything on facebook is impossibly dull, trite and stage managed. Is anything ever original? It is actually possible to go through parenthood without being even vaguely interested in others' children or parenting experiences. You might get sucked in for the first born, but I quickly wised up and keep my blissful distance. People will just have to admire me and my family from afar.

OP I get what you're saying. When I was pregnant all I heard from everyone (particularly a colleague with an older child) was how we'd never sleep etc; our lives were over haha; all quite negative stuff. We then went to stay with some friends of my husband and I told them about this and how it was getting me down a bit. They had three kids and the father said very seriously no, it's the most special thing, to have children and see them growing up; it is the most wonderful thing in the world. I've always remembered that conservation. We now have two and despite it being hard going sometimes, I wouldn't change anything. For us it's been a happy time. I know it's not the same for everyone but just want to give that perspective!

Mummy blogs are hell on earth.

I look forward to seeing my two after school. I relish that time walking home with them and talking to them. I also loved the baby/toddler, preschool years. It is completely different to anything I had done but I think I find it enjoyable as I am quite childish and love the imaginative aspect of life with children. If you are a very formal and particular I think you will find it harder to adapt.

I would imagine that the drink probably doesn't help. Drink after all is a drug, it will inevitably alter your outlook and your tolerance levels. I know when I drink wine I'm definitely a different Mum.

@TimandGinger

When I was pregnant all I heard from everyone (particularly a colleague with an older child) was how we'd never sleep etc; our lives were over haha

I got this from colleagues with no children as well, I managed to take it up to around week 36 and then I just would say "alright, alright give it a bloody rest".

It was either that or hit them all in the face with a chair.

The downsides of having small children are largely tangible. We can all work out what they are.

The upsides are intangible. There is no real way to explain why we love our kids the way we do, or why we find them so rewarding.

I wouldn't be without my kids, I'd literally die for them if it came to it, but I find the blogs funny as I can identify with them.

Oh Sparrowhawk you've made me well up!! What a lovely post.

It's all true. It's the hardest job you'll ever do, but the most rewarding. I've got two and they are so funny, and silly, and loving. But I too do hide in the toilet and look forward to a drink after bedtime because it is relentless too!
That's all those blogs are saying.
And if you pay attention, most of the mummy bloggers don't stop at 2 kids either, they mostly have more kids. If it was that bad, they wouldn't!

It was either that or hit them all in the face with a chair.

The only thing I compare it to is how lots of people might feel about their sisters/brothers - they may drive you nuts, you may have had screaming fights with them and even felt you hated them at times - but they're your sister, your brother they're totally special and you can't be without them. Children are like that but multiplied by about a million because they're yours, they come out of you and you are 100% responsible for them. The responsibility is very heavy but the specialness of having a person who is that closely connected to you is amazing.

I don't talk in person about how special my children are because I start crying and look like a total lunatic.

Sorry but I think they're fab. I work in maternal mental health and suffered mils PND myself after my son was born. Yet when he was tiny I was surrounded by #blessed types who were all "omg being a mummy is the best job ever ever ever" and I was sat there thinking why am I not enjoying this, there is clearly something wrong with me. I would have found so much comfort reading "slummy mummy" stuff.

My son is nearly two now and it's such fucking hard work even bearing in mind he's really quite an easy toddler. Quite aside from the relentlessness of it (the mess, sleep deprivation, fussy eating etc) is the utter vulnerability you suddenly get with motherhood. Suddenly my heart is walking round outside my body and just the sheer terror of anything happening to him (or me, and thus leaving him), has been a massive emotional drain for me.

I love him dearly, I really hope that goes without saying, but parenthood is not what I expected. And I say that as the eldest of many siblings - I grew up looking after little ones.

I adore being a mum and my DH loves being a dad. It's relentless and we're tired but we have loads of fun, the kids are only 5, 3 and 1 but fantastic company in their own right now. Obviously I have bad days but it's really not that bad. I find the life admin etc the hardest part and my standards have slowly slipped over the years eg I dont iron anything now, and buy pre chopped onion.

I guess it depends if you are ready to give up some aspects of current lifestyle. Obviously kids can come along on whatever you choose to do or you can find babysitters but we've found it easier to socialise largely at home, spend the weekends going to petting zoos and playing Playmobil and have UK holidays while DC are small. We were boring / homebirdy to begin with though...

I don't drink at all really any more - after 6 years of being pregnant and/or breastfeeding my tolerance is at an all time low so I've literally had about 5 units in the past year. Chocolate is what gets me through it

I will never get over it and I don't think anything could be so utterly gobsmackingly out of this world.

Just wanted to pick up on this post, which is lovely, but also worth remembering that many of us did not feel like this at the birth of our children, and that that's ok.

When my son was born I was beyond fucked from 4 days of labour and an emergency c section and I honestly felt nothing. I just wanted to sleep.

The bonding happened, the love happened, but it was not immediate. I did not get that amazing moment.

The negative mummy blogs were often started as a counterweight to all the "precious moments" "cupcakes and giggles" mummy blogs. There are shedloads of those if you want positivity.

Personally I'm glad I knew that having young children was likely to be relentless, hard work and often pretty horrible. Means I went in with my eyes open and having weighed everything up, rather than because I thought I'd get a perfect angelic baby and spend my days blowing bubbles in the sunshine. Means I wasn't too shocked when the tough times hit. (And boy did they hit).

Should you have children? I would say no unless you have an urge to do so. Don't do it simply because you presumed you always would or because you're a certain age. Contrary to popular belief there are people who regret having their DCs, more than would admit it in RL, and there are also plenty who just don't let their mind consider that question.

Should you have children? I would say no unless you have an urge to do so. Don't do it simply because you presumed you always would or because you're a certain age. Contrary to popular belief there are people who regret having their DCs, more than would admit it in RL, and there are also plenty who just don't let their mind consider that question.

I totally agree with this.

I get quite wound up when people say "oh you might regret never having children, but you'll never regret having them".

It's just not true for everyone. I for one don't regret my son, would never send him back, love him more than anything in the world. But if I had known what parenthood had been like, would I have done it all over again? I don't know.

yes - i read peter and jane, she talks about having PND. I am very grateful for my 2 lovely DC but there have been a few desperate times over the last 7 years - i was more 'i'll have children at some point' when i was in my 20s, but at some point it switched and i just knew i wanted them.

Having children is a very personal choice. If you two really want them, then have them. If your doubts about it is greater than your desire to conceive, don't have them. Other people irrelevant to the equation (you + DH) shouldn't even begin to factor into your thought process.

Agree with Trampire. Apart from the having more energy bit. I'd get on with it if you're mid thirties.

It's just a trend at the moment. Parents who look like the totally happy parents, in control, enjoying life with little ones are regularly mocked. It's just a thing. Blogs don't really represent real parenting anyway. It's just a glossy image and some prefer to take the 'look at poor me' approach instead of the 'look at just how good we are' approach. It's not a true reflection on reality.

They're a joke, just tongue in cheek. And there are plenty of others you can follow on insta/Facebook who are the complete opposite and make out looking after children is the best, most fulfilling thing in the world. I find the scummy mummy style ones a lot more relatable and funny. I have always wanted children, love my toddler more than anything and already am expecting no 2 but it's certainly not easy and it is tiring and it can be relentless.

Obviously put thought into whether you want them but don't base it on these personas and bare in mind it can take a lot longer than you think so don't spend too long deciding and miss the opportunity.