To be affected by 'Slummy Mummy' type blogs?

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Am new to MN, so sorry if this is a topic that has been done to death before.

Background: I'm mid 30s, married to a lovely bloke and have a life that I'm very happy with. I've always liked children, but have not had any yet as was focused on my career. However, given my age, DH and I are starting to discuss about whether to start a family. We both have the same thoughts about it - we aren't desperate to have children right now but have both always thought we would at some point.

A lot of my friends are mums and on Facebook they keep liking and linking to various blogs and pages that I'd describe as 'slummy mummy' - ones that seem to emphasise how hard and unrewarding having children is, how you can only get through the day with alcohol etc. I understand that bringing up children is hard work, but it's got to the point where the unrelenting negativity (made worse when combined with the trend to NOT say happy or positive things about your children, in case it's perceived as boasting) is actually making me doubt whether I want to have children.

HaHaHmm I hope you're going to stay within the boundaries of your hessian mat?

I just don't think parenthood is for everyone tbh. I'd rather people didn't do it just because their biological clock is ticking! That can't end well can it?

I am a bit at Finnian's Montessori Room. It is quite impressive though tbf.

Sorry, I'm derailing this thread, but how on earth is a glass oil lamp part of a 'child safe room'

They're jokes! Not real life!!

Having children is the hardest thing you'll ever do, but also the most rewarding and fun!

I have a five month old. I love everything about being a mum. My marriage is strong, my baby if adorable and snuggly and everyday is interesting as my baby learns new things. I haven't given up everything that I love either. I still bake and do crafts, I go out to restaurants and take him with me. We've traveled with him. We live in China, actually. Basically life with a baby is amazing. I've had half a glass of wine since he was born and I don't need it or chocolate to get through the day.

However, I do find those blogs mildly entertaining.

And yes, I know I sounded like a knob.

@Redredredrose your post is brilliant and really hit home with me, DS is 18 months and your words have given me so much encouragement. I thought after a tough birth and PND I had made a mistake and wouldn’t do it again but a few months ago felt a very strong urge to try. Now 16 weeks with number 2, very excited to right some wrongs and have a close sibling for my son but the worry is in the back of my mind that I might feel the same. Luckily I’ve got more support this time and feel much more positive now.

OP I hope you and OH can make the right decision for you two. Women get stick if they don’t have kids, if they have them a bit young or a bit older, if they decide (or have to be) a SAHM or go out to work, breast or bottle feed, lose the weight quickly or keep the baby weight, just do ‘mum stuff’ with kids or go out on Saturday night, tell everyone how much they love their kids or make it known that sometimes they struggle. Some of these blogs help mums feel a bit of acceptance in a world of constant criticism where they can’t seem to do the right thing by everyone else’s standards.

Nothing you see on social media will come close to the reality of being a parent. Don’t let it sway you either way but if you do decide to have kids, one day you might relate to whatever parenting blog is doing the rounds and it might bring you a bit of comfort in what can be a lonely and isolating time. Good luck with whatever you decide

I definitely drink more now that I'm a parent. Sorry, I know that's not the main thrust of the thread, and I know that one of those blogs in particular has a horribly laissez-faire attitude to what must be entrenched alcoholism (I can't remember the name of it, it has Judgy Dog in it) but just to warn you that a nice cold beer of an evening after bath time is something you can get used to liking or perhaps even needing as a new parent.

Personally I find the attachment parenting / pro breastfeeding groups some of my fb friends follow much more depressing, purely because of the amount of judgemental and santimonious replies they generate. Like labelling mothers "slummy mummies" because they don't share the same opinions (like you have in your first post).

I have hidden the posts/groups from my feed. Job done.

If you go into motherhood thinking all will be unicorns and rainbows I think you’ll be in for a shock.

i think the SlummyMummy archetype has been rather hijacked by people who simply don't like being parents.

I am a CLASSIC SlummyMummy. I don't iron anything, not even shirts, I am an expert sponger of blazers and I let them have free rein when it comes to sugar on cereal - but don't hate my children. I hate the unrelenting mess and whining, I hate the drudgery that goes with being a sahp, but I delight in them even now, now that they are spotty smelly teenagers

The perfect mother blogs really piss me off more tbh thoug or the ones saying everyone should do this this way as it worked for me.

If bloggers posted about their children being all fluffy and squidgy all the time people would complain it was unrealistic and bleurgh so they post the wine time and tantrumming tots to be relateable(sp) mostly these blogs are a bit tongue in cheek and inner thoughts for comedic effect. I wouldn't read to much into anyblog.

Do you know what though, I feel a bit like the OP. I have been a midwife for 15 years. I KNOW I am not scared of being pregnant and giving birth; I have seen every worst case scenario and know that the one in a million probably won't be me - but it could. I could have a shit pregnancy or I could have a great one. But the real thing that scares me is the relentlessness of being a parent, because if you listen on here and on social media, it's clear that the 'it's all fluffy and wonderful' is bullshit and that the 'I need vodka to get through the day' seems to be more what people think even if they don't do it.

I don't believe parenthood is so shit that everyone regrets it, that's daft, and people wouldn't go back and do it again and again. But in a world where it's not actually possible to socialise with your friends with children all the time (odd work schedules, distance etc) it is sometimes nice to have some reassurance that having children IS doable and won't ruin your life and make you miserable for years and years while you just pretend it hasn't because you have no escape once they are physically here. I don't want to not have children just because my fear of being a crap mum who hates it is more than appreciating I could be a good parent who enjoys her children.

As for all the 'grow up and don't let social media tell you whether to have kids' well - I don't think anyone is going to have a baby or not based on buzzfeed but it's a damn sight more grown up to actually think about whether it IS for you or not than the alternative.

I drink a lot LESS since having DC. I just couldn't do it with regular hangovers or even tiredness from drinking too much.

it is sometimes nice to have some reassurance that having children IS doable and won't ruin your life and make you miserable for years and years while you just pretend it hasn't because you have no escape once they are physically here.

But looking at the people you know with children, don't you get that reassurance? Surely not EVERYONE with children that you know is hiding secret misery? I get that you might not get much socialising time with friends with kids but you must work with them every day, meet women having second/third/whatever babies whose lives are clearly fine?

I will happily give you that reassurance, as a random person on the internet. Read MN and see all the posts by parents who are talking about all the facets of their lives that exist alongside their children, which they usually seem to find interesting or fun.

I think parenthood is like the most unpredictable thing you will ever experience..

The blogs do pick up on stuff.Things happen and you might tear your hair out but sit down at the end of the day and giggle about it. Looking at my baby boy ( now 10) sleep he still looks like an angel..

The reality of parenting you don't tend to even see on MN.. Mostly it is everyday stuff..Days when you see things that makes your heart melt, days that seem very long but I can only say for me watching my DS grow into the single most rewarding thing I have ever done.

I would also say most people are in the middle, most do not feed there child quinola , they try and balance it out with sometimes a good wholesome tea , sometimes food out the freezer.

It isn't one event that makes it worth while it is a journey. I have times when I really find it an effort to get out of bed but days when I actually do cry with pride.

Ignore all you read online.. Decide if you would like to raise a child. , If you do it does all slot into place..someway or another.

Possibly missing the point, but you know if you click the little thing top right of the post, you can select 'hide all from (e.g.) Unmumsy Mum' without having to unfollow your friends. Obviously you have to do it for every blog people share, but you get there in the end. There seems to be a fairly small number of sites my friends share from. (I had to do this to stop my newsfeed being constantly filled up with cat videos shared by my mother )

I think a lot of it is done in humour, I post and share quotes on Facebook but I'm laughing whilst doing it, being a mummy is hard work but they are worth it, watching them grow from babies into toddlers and then into children with all their milestones and achievements it is amazing, we all love our children to the moon and back and I'm sure most mums that post do aswell, I think just don't pay too much attention to it x

youcanstandundermyumbrella Yes, I guess I do, but then when you read threads on here that run to tens of pages of people saying how they actually didn't want their midwife to come round and they found postnatal visits intrusive and awful, you start to question your own experiences...

I think it's easy to get swept away on a tide of catastrophe. Like with birth stories, folk want to tell their horror stories but it's more frowned upon to say 'yeah it hurt but it was ok and I was fine'. Despite the fact someone's positive experience doesn't negate someone else's negative experience.

There's also the thing of even if something is great, one negative comment will always hold more weight than a positive one. We do it all the time, how often do we fixate on 'yeah I look great but I'm still too fat' or 'yeah the job is great but I'm probably not as good as the person before me'. Lots of things to think about there.

I can understand what you mean OP.

I have an 8 and 18 yo and sort of feel I've been through all the wry humour stuff e.g. the I Don't Know How She Does It book and Hoorah for Gin.
I'm not humourless, quite the opposite, but actually I just don't find it original any more.

I'm in a book club and am very close to the other women, but they're all going to the Scummy Mummies stand up. I'd much, much rather go and see a lovely film at the cinema.

With all due respect you don't understand that bringing up children is hard work. And nor did I until I had my own.. I like these blogs/posts etc as they are funny, kind and offer support to other parents. Unsure how anyone could be offended by them? I don't drink to survive a day with my child but there are times where I think my ears may bleed if I hear "Mummmmm" one more time. That's my reality, not overly pretty or mumsy but there it is, and it may be yours one day too!

Hanuta it really is easy to see the negatives more than the positive, I know. I would hate to be a HCP and read many of the posts on here. If it helps even a tiny bit, I loved almost every midwife I met when I had my kids (and the one I hated I was told all the other midwives hated too, with a PALS complaints list the size of a telephone directory). I've had many, many moments of muttering 'fuck my life' under my breath as my children refused to get dressed, sit in a car seat, stopping hitting each other and all the other sort of minor things you see in these blogs. I've parented toddler to teenager and even the ones who start off quite easy can TURN on you! But I also still read books, have a challenging and enjoyable job, go out with my husband (who I still love) to nice restaurants, go on holidays that we can all enjoy in our own ways, as well as days when I'd happily pack a rucksack and head into the horizon. Most parents would say similar things. How dull would that be though?

Why not give some of your friends with kids a call and just ask them how they really, really feel about it? You'll have some interesting conversations, and hopefully you won't meet with a relentless parade of misery.

In many ways I wish there was a way to turn off the internet the moment the sperm hits the egg.

Being the first of my chums to have a baby, with no close family or wise females thy have had children and also the oldest I had to turn online for guidance.

Big mistake. It's a minefield out there and the slummy mummy blogs are the pits. I stopped reading them quite quickly as it's just a load of race to the bottom BS with a strong dose of "I feel I'm a bit above this all" from some quarters.

I can honestly say that of approx twenty blogs I'd have my eye on I'd glean something useful and reassuring from about one.

Just step away from the blogs. Live your life and forge your own path. You will be fine. Trust yourself and believe in what you could be as a parent.

And don't let it influence whether you have a baby in the first place!

Isn't coming on here the same thing? If you read the parenting threads, every poster currently has shit in their hair and hasn't even shut their eyes in years, and has gone deaf from the screaming.

The most common post is along the lines of "After my dc was born, it was the worst time of my life and still is. I nearly died in the birth, he has never slept ever, he has constant explosive vomiting, I have PTSD and fight suicidal thoughts daily. Anyway now Im preg with dc2, on purpose!"

I just think... Why? Surely if life is that hellish a quick sterilisation is in order.

I think it comes down to us humans just don't do what's good for us. Instinct drives us along, consciousness is just along for the ride. How many people stay in bad relationships, use alcohol and drugs to excess, stay in jobs we hate, over eat, don't use contraception, never eat vegetables. It's not logical but we do it.