To be cross at OH for telling DC she looked like 'she was having a fit'?

[Cheesecakeistheanswer]

DC (10) was having a strop at the weekend because she didn't want to do something - pulling faces and wriggling I suppose. OH's way of dealing with it was to say - 'stop it, you look like you're having a fit'. Later on he said to me he thought she was pathetic. I don't think she heard but I do think it came across in the way he spoke to her.

So AIBU to think he's being unreasonable?

He thinks she's too sensitive and I'm too indulgent. I think he's not going to get the behaviour (or relationship) he wants by speaking to her like that and he needs to find other ways of telling her off - I know DCs shouldn't be indulged. I just think he's made things worse.

Neither DC has been at their best this last couple of weeks. I think they're knackered from the new term. And that afternoon. we didn't have anywhere we had to be, so I let them stay at home and chill. Lo and behold, they were both much better by the evening.

I don’t see what the problem is here, apart from you defending her strop!

I would say to mine stop it you look ridiculous or something similar, so while likening her behaviour to someone having a fit isn’t exactly the best choice of words, it is nowhere near being the issue you have here.

It doesn't sound like he yelled at her. What in particular do you object to about it?

Yabu. She's 10, she needs to learn how ridiculous she looks throwing a tantrum.

Imagine how embarrassed you'd be if she did it at a friend's house.

Really? He barely said anything

“looked like she was having a fit”. Twatty thing to say and not the way to deal with it.

Sometime I think all this flies over my head. What exactly is the problem here?

I wouldn't have used those words but if a 10yo was having a strop like that id probably have laughed at them and told them they looked ridiculous. Shes way too old for that behaviour.

I agree with others it doesn't sound like your DH said anything terrible to her.
Sounds more like he was trying to get her to see how ridiculous she looked having a tantrum at 10.

Huh? I don't get why you think he WBU?
I think you should focus more on why a 10 year old behaving like that.

I'm with you Sloe.

The child is 10. I imagine if she's too sensitive it's because you're basically picking on something her dad said to defend her actions all the time.

You are defending her tantrum he told her off and you want to have a go at him about it his wording is off but im not sure what you want posters to say.

He's right.

People seriously can't see the problem? Although actually I don't think OP is even seeing the actual problem.
My child has seizures. They control our lives and cause brain damage. Don't compare your child being badly behaved to a serious illness that kills, if you don't mind all the same.

YABU.

She does need to know it looks nothing but stupid for her to be throwing tantrums like that. He could have picked his words better but he probably said it in the heat of the moment.

Your problem is really not with your husband.

BTW my nearly 9 year old did it quite recently. She did look silly, and afterwards I told her it just looks ridiculous.

I agree he was unreasonable to refer to someone having a fit. I don't believe it is unreasonable to tell a 10yo they are being ridiculous and behaving like a 2yo.

I would be more concerned about him saying she was being pathetic. She obviously had an issue, and whilst stropping is not the best way of dealing with it, calling her pathetic is not going to help the situation.

He was telling what other people would think . He was being unreasonable by making light of fits but it's probably shown her that her father is not just a person wall to which you can throw any crap you want. That admiration and respect is a two way street. This is healthy and will carry on to other relationships in her life. We do our children no favours when we make excuses for all their bad behaviour because we are the only people in the world that ever will.

I'm with your husband on this one. Any child having a a strop (let alone a 10 year old) should be told to cut it out, pronto.

Also he should have said 'she was being pathetic' not that 'she was pathetic'. It depends how he worded it. Telling a child that they are being pathetic and to pull themselves together is honest but telling a child that she is pathetic and her mum indulges her is harmful and cause low self esteem. Which one was it OP?

I agree with your husband - don't be so sensitive and child wont pick up on it

He didn't call her pathetic to her face. He said it to the OP and daughter didn't hear it.

Never commented before, just had to now.

All my working life I've suffered from ignorant people making remarks such as 'you don't look epileptic', 'sorry, we can't send you to see clients as you might have a fit'. And one charming manager tried to fire me when he found out I have epilepsy until HR told him that would be illegal.

Just the other day I said to my DH that I didn't understand how, in 2017, there's still so much stigma and discrimination around epilepsy, and now looking at this thread I can see why.

OP's husband is passing down this attitude to the next generation and very few posters think he's BU! Yes, nothing wrong with telling the child off or that she looks ridiculous but that's not the point!

Offensive to people with epilepsy but that doesn't seem to be your issue. I don't think he needs to pander to your tantrumming child, but his approach doesn't seem very effective.

Is he her dad?

I often say things to my dd when she's throwing a tantrum, she is almost 12 but has ASD, she threw a tantrum at the weekend (yes it was a tantrum and not a meltdown, she has them too), she wanted to go home to play on her laptop, we were visiting family. As family members were looking at me waiting to see how I would deal with it I reminded dd that she's almost 12 and that she looked silly pulling faces and crying, I also told her that 'even if we were to go home she wasn't going on the laptop'.

I don't think your DP did anything wrong, he was angry and wanted her to understand that she looked stupid and it wasn't going to help her get her own way. We all say silly things sometimes, cut him some slack.

ginandtonicformeplease if the OP had said that she was upset by the use of the term itself then the reactions on this thread would be different. I don't like the use of the term 'fit' and I think the OHs use of the word was ignorant, I'm confident most on this post would agree. But unfortunately that wasn't the crux of the OP which is why I think not so many people are rushing to object.