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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross at OH for telling DC she looked like 'she was having a fit'?

108 replies

Cheesecakeistheanswer · 10/10/2017 09:33

DC (10) was having a strop at the weekend because she didn't want to do something - pulling faces and wriggling I suppose. OH's way of dealing with it was to say - 'stop it, you look like you're having a fit'. Later on he said to me he thought she was pathetic. I don't think she heard but I do think it came across in the way he spoke to her.

So AIBU to think he's being unreasonable?

He thinks she's too sensitive and I'm too indulgent. I think he's not going to get the behaviour (or relationship) he wants by speaking to her like that and he needs to find other ways of telling her off - I know DCs shouldn't be indulged. I just think he's made things worse.

Neither DC has been at their best this last couple of weeks. I think they're knackered from the new term. And that afternoon. we didn't have anywhere we had to be, so I let them stay at home and chill. Lo and behold, they were both much better by the evening.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 10/10/2017 10:21

Fine to point out that she was being ridiculous but his choice of words sucks.

PickAChew · 10/10/2017 10:21

Fine to point out that she was being ridiculous but his choice of words sucks.

Sallystyle · 10/10/2017 10:21

OP's husband is passing down this attitude to the next generation and very few posters think he's BU! Yes, nothing wrong with telling the child off or that she looks ridiculous but that's not the point!

Many of us said he could have picked better words. It is offensive to people who suffer with seizures I know. It was in the heat of the moment and if my husband had said it I would have pointed it out to him later on why it's a shit thing to say.

That wasn't OP's problem with the whole situation though. Most of us are answering based on the OP's problem with the situation.

diddl · 10/10/2017 10:23

I don't like his wording, but I can't see a problem with pulling her up on her behaviour.

Seeingadistance · 10/10/2017 10:25

He would have been better to tell her that if the wind changed her face would stay like that. He was unreasonable to liken her behaviour to a fit for reasons pp have explained.

ShoesHaveSouls · 10/10/2017 10:27

I have, on occasion, said to my DD9 'stop it, you look like you're having a fit' or, 'you sound like you're being murdered' - she can go into advanced histrionics, as a lot of dc this age can Wink

It's more to try and show her that a) she looks very silly and b) the behaviour isn't acceptable. No offence to anyone actually suffering from epilepsy of course - I'll think twice about saying it having read some of the posts on this thread.

guilty100 · 10/10/2017 10:32

Can you tell us how his words to her made the situation worse? That seems to be at the heart of this - he thinks she needs stronger lines, you think she's best left alone.

I do think that if a child is over-tired and tantruming, they still need to get a clear message that the behaviour is not OK, right?

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 10/10/2017 10:34

'She obviously had an issue'.

Obvious how exactly? Are you suggesting that pre-pubescent children never behave in a ridiculous manner sometimes just because?!

HaHaHmm · 10/10/2017 10:44

I'm not sure if you're cross that he used an insensitive term or that he challenged her behaviour.

If the former, you have a point - seizures aren't to be taken lightly and it was a poor choice of word. If it was the latter, YABU - ten is too old for a child with no additional needs to throw tantrums.

user789653241 · 10/10/2017 10:48

When my 9 year old has occasional strop, I tell him he is acting like 3 year old and it's embarrassing. I once even replicated his action myself and shown him how pathetic it looks. Guess I'm an unreasonable mum!

Original poster
Cheesecakeistheanswer · 10/10/2017 10:59

Honestly it's useful to have feedback. I truly don't think DC should be let off for behaving in a daft way. I just didn't like how OH spoke (speaks) to her.

I know one remark isn't the biggest deal, just a bit of an unfortunate choice (apart from the point @ginandtonicformeplease makes). It's more that I think his response was more about his strop than hers... Other DC had been sick in the night and didn't want to go out. 10yo was knackered and keen to stay in too - but he was getting stir crazy and so in a bad mood.

It also wasn't like she was lying on the floor screaming - she just moaned a bit and pulled a face.

And yes, I know how I react is important and I shouldn't be over-sensitive. I'm just struggling with drawing the line between that - and how to deal with OH being moody and grumpy. He certainly wouldn't like it if I told him he was being ridiculous or pathetic!!

OP posts:
guilty100 · 10/10/2017 11:05

Ohhhh, I see, sorry I completely misunderstood your post. So it's more like you think he overreacted to a very small sign of displeasure from your DD - a sign of unwillingness, not a tantrum - by getting grumpy in order to get his own way because he wanted to go out and they didn't because they were tired and sick?

If that's the long and short of it, YANBU.

MrsGabor · 10/10/2017 11:10

Yes @earlygreysanatomy - exactly that.

It also sends out a message that a 'fit' is something people choose to have. FFS!

Original poster
Cheesecakeistheanswer · 10/10/2017 11:11

@diddle and @seeingatadistance - I absolutely don't think any kid should get away/be rewarded for strops or tantrums. It's about how he responded. It made it worse @guilty100 because she ran off into another room, and he carried on complaining about her behaviour (to me).

I think it escalated something that should have been shut down - with something like 'the wind will change' or just a sharp 'stop that'.

OP posts:
Floellabumbags · 10/10/2017 11:11

My sister has epilepsy and still said "Don't have a fit about it!" if someone was kicking off. If she's not offended then I certainly wouldn't take offence on her behalf.

Original poster
Cheesecakeistheanswer · 10/10/2017 11:15

@guilty100 - YES, ABSOLUTELY THAT

If it had been said with humour (is that possible, hope you know what I mean...) - basically 'come on don't be daft' - I wouldn't have even thought to post.

Really I'm posting about his stop - not hers...

OP posts:
diddl · 10/10/2017 11:24

Does he always seem to overreact iyo then, or was this a one off?

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 10/10/2017 11:25

Your DH chose the wrong words to use HWBU for trying to compare a tantruming 10 year old to someone having a fit. Oh and btw your daughter isn't 2 anymore so there is no need for temper tantrums.

guilty100 · 10/10/2017 11:36

Oh dear, OP, I fear you're going to be battling for the rest of this thread to get the right reading of your first post. Basically, your DH snapped at your daughter over nothing because he wasn't getting his own way. Sounds like you have another big kid there, rather than a partner, on this occasion at least.

KungFuEric · 10/10/2017 11:41

Is he having strops though because he lives with over indulged kids?

SpamBurrito · 10/10/2017 11:44

I don't think it's offensive to people with epilepsy, I think it's just a figure of speech, the same as, 'Don't scrape your new shoes, mother will have a fit'
My dd has epilepsy, and her seizures take many forms. Sometimes just her head drops, sometimes she trembles and her eyes roll back, and sometimes she has the full on jerking.
When she was younger, I'd sometimes have to do a double-take to tell whether she was reacting to something, or fitting.
It's not even beyond the realms of possibility that the dh meant it literally (probably not though, obvs)
To a complete stranger, a strop 'can' look like a fit when it's age-inappropriate. I don't see a problem with what he said.

Original poster
Cheesecakeistheanswer · 10/10/2017 12:07

I think you're right @guilty100...

Yes @diddl - I think he does do it a lot. And I think it's determined by his mood not the kids' behaviour.

@KungFuEric - I do really hope not!! I don't think they're over-indulged (I know, I wouldn't!!). I'm the one that chivvies them to tidy up, do homework, come off screens etc. And when they say they don't want to, I don't say 'oh that's OK darling'. I say tough.

And @Spamburrito - it was lunch and she wriggled a bit while pulling a face and moaned. That was it.

OP posts:
diddl · 10/10/2017 13:02

"I think he does do it a lot. And I think it's determined by his mood not the kids' behaviour."

That's not good then!

I'll be the first to admit that I have snapped unnecessarily when in a bad mood.

I do apologise though!

Original poster
Cheesecakeistheanswer · 10/10/2017 13:27

He doesn't @diddle ! He's never in the wrong, never apologises (to me or the kids). And gets arsey if things don't go as he wants. For all those saying my DC shouldn't get away with a strop - what about an OH??

OP posts:
ottersHateFeminists · 10/10/2017 13:41

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