To ask how you cope with the idea that you may never have sex again

[terriblemistake]

Am getting divorced. I can't imagine sleeping with anyone else and in my late 40s now, another relationship might not happen in any case?

Honestly, it is the least of my worries at the moment and I think I will mind a lot less than I thought I would. It's still a strange idea to wrap your head around though - never again

Also, the person I want to sleep with is H (if things were not so dire between us), can't imagine another person's body.

[User7628]

You can get sex if you want it. There are sites just for that. It won't leave you feeling emotionally satisfied but if you just want sex then you can have it regardless of the shape and size you are. Fabswingers is one such site. It sounds like a site for swinging couples but it is mostly men looking for sex. I guess filtering out the married ones may be tricky though and I know most women don't just want mechanical sex with no feeling.

[OverlyYappy]

I had quite a lot of sex when me and exh split, go in POF it’s easy. I stopped as I had quite a quiet past and felt like I was turning into a bit of a slut tbh. Haven’t had sex in 5 years now and I’m fine with that

[OverlyYappy]

On POF not in

[ShatnersWig]

Overly Your experience is different to mine, and many others then.

[isthismylifenow]

Can relate OP. I'm late forties, 2 years separated and going through divorce. Haven't had sex in more than 2 years now, and I really don't miss it. I do miss being held and hugged though.

But at this stage of my life, I do not forsee any future relationships. I have to work through my issues, I am not in the right place for that, and just a one night stand, not sure, as I have never had one. Have had a few offers, sadly all from married men so you can imagine how that went down..... .

I have never thought about it until I read your thread. Still just taking things as they come, unfortunately none of the latter is happening....

[OverlyYappy]

Yes it is. I was with my exh for 16 years and craved that closeness again, I slept with 4/5 different men and only felt good about it once and he was a guy I chatted to for a year prior to meeting up for sex.

Like I say that was 5 years ago now.

[TeeBee]

I’m 44, recently divorced and having the best sex I’ve ever had in my life! Don’t be so quick to write yourself off OP. There’s life in the old dog yet

[EBearhug]

I've never really had a "proper" relationship, just a couple of long distance ones. Last time I did OLD, I had one response in a year. It's really not just out there if you look for it, not for everyone. So you just have to fill your time up with other things and stop counting how many days, weeks, months since someone touched you, even if it was only a business handshake, because otherwise, it does become unbearable.

[PricklyBall]

Like Shatners and Bearhug, I'm one of those who finds it impossible to find partners easily (in fact, I can beat you, Shatner - no-one wasa interested in me when I tried OLD). I don't know why people are so invested in saying "you're doing it wrong, it's dead easy to get laid". It's well over 30 years since I first had sex - why can't you trust my own account of my own personal experience when I say "for me it's not that easy?" I'm chuffed for you that you find it easy to find sexual partners, but for some reason or another that is not my experience.

But best wishes to OP - if you've only been in one relationship, with your soon-to-be XH, you don't know yet which category you're in. You could find you're beating them off with a stick, you could find that it's harder. I hope for your sake you find a really nice relationship relatively soon.

[AmIthatbloodycold]

Yappy. Sorry, but no, it's not easy

I'm really wondering how awful I must be, how unattractive, how hopeless.

All you posters saying how easy it is, you're just turning the knife.

I crave human touch. Someone I don't know hugged me last year and I actually teared up with emotion. Please, all you posters with the Midas touch, tell me WTAF I should do, because I'm at a loss.

[PricklyBall]

AmI, I have a theory about this - apologies in advance, but it gets a bit tumblr. You know how the "yoof of today" have a hundred and one sexualities (or Heinz 57 depending on your take)? Well, one of them is what they call "demisexual", what in old money we would call "not wanting to shag someone before you'd got to know them and felt some sort of emotional connection". I suspect that what people like you and me are - which means that we don't bother with most of the opposite (or same sex depending on sexual preference) - we filter out all but the ones that we feel a connection with (which in my case is precious few), then there's the vexed question of whether that small section is interested in us.

I honestly think this isn't under my control. It's not a case of learning to let go and embrace casual sex, or "stop being so picky". It's completely automatic behaviour.

[AmIthatbloodycold]

Well? To be honest I'm really not that fussy. When I say I have had no attention, I mean it literally. Nothing. Nada. Rien. Big fat fucking zilch.

So, going by previous posters, it must be me

Because it's fucking easy. Apparently

[Ijustlovefood]

You never know what's around the corner

[TheOtherGirl]

Ah ha so I am demi-sexual. I can count on one hand the number of men I have had sex with, and I was in love with them all to a greater or lesser extent.

The thought of just having physical sex with someone I barely knew leaves me utterly cold. No thanks.

[L0quacious]

Sex is easy.

It's figuring out who wants you for you that's hard.

[stopgap]

I'd be devastated. I'm 40, and have an active sex life with my husband of 14 years. I have a high sex drive, always have done, and feel depressed and agitated on the few occasions I've gone longer than a week (with the exception of post-birth).

[L0quacious]

Blimey, imagine that not feeling any inclination to shag somebody until you know them and trust them and an attraction has grown is called demi sexual.

[Birdsgottafly]

Teehee if you don't mind me asking,have you gone through the Menopause yet?

It's the though of needing lubricant etc that is off putting for me.

AmI do you go on nights out with mates? It honestly isn't you, but it must be something that you aren't getting right.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

What wound worry me is my fanny
My 9.5lb baby did it no favours
DP is used to it but a new man ? I would need a well hung fella put it that way

[Birdsgottafly]

stop, or on the bright side, vaginal tightening is on Wowcher for £70.

But I totally get what you mean.

[AmIthatbloodycold]

Birds yes I do. I'm the fat friend left over at the end. 'Twas always thus

I volunteer at a range of things nearly every weekend

I work for the biggest employer in the area

I do lots of hobbies

Yet. I can't find anyone to have sex with.

But according to MN its piss simple

[64PooLane]

AmI again just speaking for myself, I don't think it's "easy" and I don't think it's a case of "you can if you just try harder". I guess maybe some people are saying that, but most of us are not. Not every encouraging example is a twist of the knife, surely? I'm sorry you are lonely and I know some of how that feels.

What I was trying to convey before, when you asked where all these opportunities supposedly were, is that if you don't try to create them or don't believe it's possible, then no, it isn't going to happen. But I was making that point before you explained that in fact you do already go out and have hobbies and spend time with people and really try to connect positively with them. So, it sounds like actually you already kind of know where "opportunities" theoretically might be.

If it isn't happening then I guess there's no magic bullet, but you do sound (understandably) frustrated and hard on yourself; perhaps that isn't helping matters. It didn't happen for me until I was happy in myself (at which point being a bit fat, old etc. kind of didn't seem to matter any more), and tbh I don't think it's ever a good idea to look for relationships if your self-esteem is at a low ebb. You're more vulnerable if you don't much like yourself; a healthy connection is harder to build. And apart from anything else it's sort of a barrier - people can sense it, and the ones most likely to be attracted to that are abusive/exploitative types.

I don't know. Rambling. I feel like you'll brush this off but I wish you luck anyway.

[thegreylady]

When I met dh2 I was an overweight widow of 44 with 2dc and he was a divorced father of 3 ,aged 52, whose ex- wife had gone abroad with her new bloke. Maybe my last 30 years have been unhelpful to the OP but it is perfectly possible to meet and marry someone in your forties.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Thanks birds

Ami
I hear you . I do . If I knew you better I would probably have some practical advice but I don't and anything I say will sound patronising and will annoy you

But I do hear you !

[HoofWankingSpangleCunt]

Amithatbloody cold I hear you too.
I'm sorry if I hurt you, albeit unintentionally.
I think 64poolane said some wise things.
All i can say is my belief is that unless you want to leave your comfort zone (dating apps etc), then the best thing to do is to concentrate on building your self esteem. And ime, connections happen when you least expect them.