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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you cope with the idea that you may never have sex again

132 replies

terriblemistake · 09/10/2017 20:19

Am getting divorced. I can't imagine sleeping with anyone else and in my late 40s now, another relationship might not happen in any case?

Honestly, it is the least of my worries at the moment and I think I will mind a lot less than I thought I would. It's still a strange idea to wrap your head around though - never again Shock

Also, the person I want to sleep with is H (if things were not so dire between us), can't imagine another person's body.

OP posts:
HateIsNotGood · 09/10/2017 21:54

I just look around at what is on offer/available in the mid-50s and really that's the greatest sex put-off there is. I'm no great shakes to look at myself, so not only do I not really 'look', I send no 'vibe' out.

I'm an 'older' Mum so really more interested in 'finishing off' ds to face the world himself and I can wait a bit longer and then see if I'm interested. The best come when you're not looking anyway.

But the first year or three were hard, physically hard, I wanted sex but couldn't get out and about to get it, it was like 'pain'. Masturbating makes it worse, although good to do in the early days for pain release, because it's just a reminder of what you are missing.

Seriously, I can live without it now, but I don't rule it out.

cakedup · 09/10/2017 21:56

If you want to have sex again, and you feel ready, then I'm sure you will.

I, on the other hand, haven't had sex for about 8 years (don't miss it) and don't think I will again. I'm 45, low libido and about to have a hysterectomy (hello menopause) so no, can't be bothered with sex. I'd much rather have a cup of tea anytime.

Italiangreyhound · 09/10/2017 21:57

Tiggy78 so sorry to hear about your husband.

"...an overweight widowed 39 year old mother of two isn’t going to be on any man’s radar so I’ve resigned myself to being alone." Actually I think lots of men are a lot less worried about weight than women are. Plus there may be a few lonely widowerers out there too. My friend met her lovely looking dh at church, both had grown up kids and they are now happily married.

MistressDeeCee "... done too good a job on women." Indeed, men would not be relegating themselves to the non-dating pile in their thirties, fourties or fifties (or sixties for that matter, my friends dad was about 78 and met a nice single lady when he was widowed!)

Totally agree "Its fine not to want to meet a man too but bit sad when women say nobody would look at them etc."

Kipi · 09/10/2017 22:06

I’m getting divorced. I feel like a complete bag a shit most of the time. I’ve cried myself to sleep at least 4 times out of seven, most weeks.
I’ve got several young kids who have completely ravaged my body. I despair when I look in the mirror.
But I haven’t given up hope yet. I’m slowly taking steps towards trying to feel normal and womanly again. I can’t get the fear of ridicule out of my head just yet, I’m not ready, but I hope I meet a non-dickhead at some point. Don’t give up. I’m trying my hardest not to!

AmIthatbloodycold · 09/10/2017 22:11

Well, for me it's something I try not to think about as I get so upset

If someone said to me 13 years ago that I would never have sex again I would have been devastated

Now I just have to accept it

And no, PP, it's not easy if you really want it. Trust me

grobagsforever · 09/10/2017 22:41

@PricklyBall - rubbish. All of us have sex appeal- if you click with someone then you you click. It's entirely up to you if you want to pursue a relationship or just sex. But you absolutely have options. If you're down on your appearance than sort it out. Lose weight, new clothes, hair whatever. All these things can be done cheaply.

Original poster
terriblemistake · 09/10/2017 23:05

My lovely friend really can't have sex again op.

I am really sorry signora Sad

Give us One good reason why you won't ever have sex again?.

I guess I feel that men my age and older will be going for younger women basically.

OP posts:
Original poster
terriblemistake · 09/10/2017 23:08

Are things really over with you and dh?

Yes I think they are, sadly. And have been for a long time really.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 09/10/2017 23:17

SansaClegane likewise you make a good point. I was divorced with 2 children also. I didn't get into another serious relationship until they were in their teens. When that one ended there was a gap, and then at 49 I met my current who Im still with 5 years later.

Me not being a saint I did have the occasional fling when the DCs were younger. I don't think Id have managed to have time for more than that. But certainly when the DCs grew up, then yes things were different (& yes when 1 relationship ended I did think thats it, no more men no more sex/Im older now, not gonna happen really).

& thinking on what some other pp's have said..if much of it rested on being out there looking slim and glam I wouldn't have met anybody,. Lots of us wouldn't. Im 54 way past fit toned trimmed with shining hair & teeth stage Grin

MistressDeeCee · 09/10/2017 23:20

italiangreyhound yy to everything you've said.

Justaboy · 10/10/2017 00:09

Terriblemistake

I guess I feel that men my age and older will be going for younger women basically.

Nope!, not good enough some men might but not all.

MollyWantsACracker · 10/10/2017 00:14

Such an interesting thread with many points of view.
I'm 47, not divorced, separated for over 2 years but living under same roof as H so worst of all possible worlds. It's hell.
Just out of a year long blissful relationship with a younger man.
I don't know what the future holds.
I hope I have sex again, and many times over - with someone who loves me and wants to be with me.
I also hope I win euromillions. Not sure which option is more likely 🙄

MistressDeeCee · 10/10/2017 00:26

I guess I feel that men my age and older will be going for younger women basically

On reading through Internet forums, and surveys that have (apparently) been done, you could believe that to be the case. Real life shows this isn't the case tho. Much of what we read online is bullshit and Im certain its based on the wishful thinking re a certain type of man who has convinced himself that his age/maturity and nothing else, will afford him a younger woman. Not all men are that deluded and entitled.

Where exactly are all these older men supposedly swanning around with women half their age anyway? Who can say this is a norm/regularly seen? Smile

In real life I see and know plenty of men with women their own age.

NikiBabe · 10/10/2017 00:30

I have an option for casual sex. May take it up after reading this.

64PooLane · 10/10/2017 00:33

And no, PP, it's not easy if you really want it. Trust me

I don't think anyone's claimed it's easy, have they? - at least, most people haven't. Meeting and connecting with someone does take energy and effort, on a logistical level as well as emotionally.

But it's just not true that (as a pp suggested in relation to herself) no men will even notice or want a woman in her thirties/forties with children and/or extra weight. They absolutely will, lots of them will.

DiscoDeviant · 10/10/2017 00:53

I was married for 20 years to someone who never really wanted to have sex with me, had no problem having sex with other people though as the 6 affairs (I know about, there's doubtless more). I finally found the courage to leave him just over a year ago. I was 2 stone overweight and had no confidence. I never thought I'd want another relationship after all the shit he put me through and had no interest in dating or meeting someone else. Not long after we split I met a friend of a friend, we had what can only be described as a mutual thunderbolt. I'd never believed in love at first sight but it happened to me at the age of 43. He was living 200 miles away but moved to be near me in February. He rents a flat nearby but doesn't really spend much time there and will be moving in with me officially in Feb when his lease runs out. I'm now having more sex than I had in my 20's and am still absolutely head over heels in love a year on. I never imagined it would happen to me or had any interest in looking for it but sometimes the universe has other plans for you!

Jux · 10/10/2017 01:07

My friend got married a couple of years ago at the age of 70. They are a brilliant couple..

SomehowSomewhere1 · 10/10/2017 01:13

You start with thinking you never will again, and then life takes a new form and you begin to enjoy being single and are happy, and then some years down the line you think 'shall I?' and you sign up to a dating sight as a 11pm on a Saturday night silliness/ self dare. You chat, finally you find the courage to go on a date, it's nerve racking and awful! You try again, and this time find you've made a great friend. Time ticks on, and your confidence grows, and one day you date someone and click, and you date for weeks into months, and one day you just decide to go for it. It's strange at first, but soon it feels right, and you're back where you thought you'd never be.

HelenaDove · 10/10/2017 01:31

Im 44 and havent had sex for many years. DH has health conditions.

Ive come to terms with it and in fine.
After reading some of the dating threads on here im absolutely horrified at the way some men behave.

There was a story in the press about an Adidas model and she got loads of nasty misogynistic comments ........simply because she hadnt shaved her legs.

If this is todays man today can keep him.

I think its actually easier for women to get casual sex than men Ive had a couple of offers including one thats been offering for the past three years but i dont like him and dont want to cheat so it aint happening.

HelenaDove · 10/10/2017 01:33

I lost 10 stone but i did it for me. If someone wants or needs to lose weight it shouldnt be to get a man.

SilverySurfer · 10/10/2017 02:00

Haven't had sex for years - self service is the answer Grin

RubbishMantra · 10/10/2017 02:31

I know what you mean OP. When DH died just over 2 years ago that was one of the first things that crossed my mind. There really would be no point to any sort of romantic relationship (for me) or even a shag-pal - because I felt a way about him I really didn't know you could feel about another person, so anything else would be a bit of a disappointment.

I'm happy in different ways now though, I've always had a need for my relationships with partners to be very intense and all consuming, so it almost feels like a breath of fresh air not to be bothered with all that. And the contentment has just kind of stolen up on me if that makes sense - to the point where I realised very recently that I'm even happier now than I was when DH was still alive, (not quite sure how that sits with me yet Confused)

But if you would like that kind of emotional attachment OP, you'll be able to have one. I just don't want one.

UkuleleRose · 10/10/2017 02:38

Personally, I cope by overeating. I don't recommend this strategy, however. FML.

HappenedForAReisling · 10/10/2017 04:35

*Wouldn't bother me tuppence!

It would bother mine! 😂

God I make myself laugh.*

And me :D

Original poster
terriblemistake · 10/10/2017 06:00

In real life I see and know plenty of men with women their own age.

But are these couples who met when they were young and fertile? Genuine question, not trying to be negative.

But if you would like that kind of emotional attachment OP - I think I would without the moving in together bit, especially since my relationship with H has been dysfunctional for so long that it would be nice to know what an easy, loving and communicative relationship felt like. I realise it may never happen though.

OP posts:
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