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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nursing Home - Furious

145 replies

ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 19:21

My mother is in a nursing home as she has dementia and 3 weeks ago suffered a stroke that has affected her very badly and is now extremely vulnerable.

In the last week her TV remote has gone missing 3 times and we have had to ask the staff to find it/a replacement as it was no where to be seen. There is a new man in the room opposite and the remote has been found by staff in his room before.

We have now taken to hiding it in her underwear drawer to keep it safe/so no one knows where it is when we aren't around.

Today as I was in the car park leaving, the new man's daughter told me she had 'nipped into' my mum's room to 'borrow the remote' and had gone rooting around in her underwear drawer to find it. I was too stunned at the time to say anything but on my drive home I've got more and more angry.

I would never dream of entering a vulnerable person's (or anyones!) room and rifling through their things, private things. I feel furious that my mother lay in bed, potentially frightened at the sight of some stranger going through her things and completely incapable of stopping her.

Not only the privacy factor, but the safeguarding issue. You aren't allowed in other residents rooms, so if this is going on, anything could be happening when I'm not there which is extremely upsetting.

I'm about to compose an email to the manager as I want the daughter spoken to about how unacceptable this is in a more official capacity than just me saying something. I want to be calm and stick to the facts...just wanted to make sure emotion isn't taking over and I'm not BU?

OP posts:
Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 23:46

Sorry, maybe I wasn't clear. She was in the room when it happened but the woman told me as I was wheeling my mother back into her room. Only her second time out of bed in the chair so quite a big deal for us (one positive of the day at least)

OP posts:
Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 23:49

Thank you, poshjock, I appreciate your words. Do you really think it requires reporting her? I don't want to mess with her job and make our living situation even harder than it already is or the home to think I'm being vindictive.

All this is so draining, all I want is her safe.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 09/10/2017 23:56

Bloody hell op!
What an awful awful woman!
Going into the room of a vulnerable woman and rifling through her things??? I would insist that either The man opposite is moved or your mum is say it's for fear of repercussions.
Take no shit.
Take no prisoners.

Storminateapot · 09/10/2017 23:58

Sorry I must have misunderstood, I thought you'd said she approached you in the car park as you were leaving. I thought it was an odd thing to do - 'hi, just to let you know I went into your Mum's room and rifled through her drawers to 'borrow' her remote. OK? Byeee'.

That's what made me think she must have already been caught and was trying to minimise it all as a jolly 'we're all in this together' situation.

Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 10/10/2017 00:02

You're probably right, Storm regarding being caught. I was wheeling my mum back inside to her room and then leaving. Sorry, red mist clouded my time line earlier, it's probably me not you! I'll be contacting the SW in the morning and hopefully I'll get a satisfactory response from the manager

OP posts:
Theresamayscough · 10/10/2017 00:03

Oh god op my mum had vascular altzimers and asked me today where the toilet was. I was cleaning her house. My. Dad is just about coping with her

Your post chills me. It’s so bloody hard.

Yanbu

Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 10/10/2017 00:04

Also yes, it was really odd. Have you ever seen Father Ted when they kick the bishop and then convince him it never happened because it was so surreal? That's how bizarre it felt

OP posts:
Storminateapot · 10/10/2017 00:11

Something's not right for sure. What has the world come to when our vulnerable old people (and they aren't just old people, they deserve the respect to be accorded to those who helped build our country and raised us to carry the baton safely on) can't see their lives shrink down to the confines of one room without being safe and secure? So sorry op.

Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 10/10/2017 00:14

I think your last sentence is really striking a chord with me - so much has been taken from her that I feel so outraged that what little we have is being...I don't think disrespected quite covers it but I'm too tired to think of the right word

OP posts:
MaitlandGirl · 10/10/2017 00:19

You know how sometimes you read a post hoping it's fake as it's just so heartbreaking/shocking? Well, this is one of them.

I'm so sorry this has happened to your mum but will keep everything crossed that the nursing home manager will get it stopped. We've a long history of dementia in our family and you need to be able to trust the carers/management to look after our relatives when we can't be there.

IhaveChillyToes · 10/10/2017 01:13

Hope you get a result from your email

What a horrible experience for your Mum

I would agree with other posters about setting up a tiny camera to record the doorway - you can probably get them in photo frame so there can be a new photo of your dog or family or whatever with tiny pin hole camera so you can watch the doorway

It would be great if it had a PIR thingy in it to detect movement like the lights outside houses iyswim

I don't think you tell anyone cos not concerned with the care from staff but concerned with her safety as it is pointing at her doorway

Also not abusing her personal privacy as not filming her in bed or being washed or whatever just the doorway

Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 10/10/2017 07:41

I'm not sure if installing a camera would break the ts and cs of our contract with the home so couldn't risk it. Thanks again for all your suggestions though, I genuinely appreciate the response

OP posts:
Sayyouwill · 10/10/2017 07:45

Please update when you get a reply.
I'm actually horrified by what's happened to your mother. I would go absolutely ballistic. My mother is my best friend and if I had a suspicion that anyone did that to her I'd need several strong, burly men to hold me back.
I think you've handled this very well. Although it wasn't a conscious decision to not argue with the daughter, I think it was for the best. At least now it can be dealt with by the staff, so you've allowed them the opportunity to repair this, however if it continue to happen you can then address the family yourself with a well thought out and practiced speech.
Good luck OP. Please give your mum and hug from us lot

JamPasty · 10/10/2017 08:44

Hiya. Just a thought, but I would also reassure your mum, if you haven't already, that you know about this and are sorting it. Big hugs to you all.

JaneEyre70 · 10/10/2017 14:12

As an immediate and easy solution, you can get remote cables on Amazon for around £5 that you clip the remote to the tv with. That way, no one can walk out of the room with it and it saves you hiding it. I can't paste the link for some reason but just search under "remote control security cable". You attach the sticky pads to the remote and the tv.

Louiselouie0890 · 10/10/2017 14:15

I'd be fuming I'm surprised you kept your cool yanbu!

kali110 · 10/10/2017 14:47

Omg this is disgusting! Who does this woman think she is?

Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 10/10/2017 19:55

Right so....no reply to my email as of 10am. Went there in person and the HM didn't get the email and gave me a different address to resend it to. She was too busy while I was there for a meeting and I wanted to get to my mother. So, I have now resent my email.

I was told by a member of staff that the man is leaving anyway as 'the home is not good enough for him' (!). But I still want the woman spoken to. I really don't want to have to do it myself as I can't trust myself not to go absolutely mental.

I contacted the SW and awaiting her getting back to me.

Not really the update I was hoping to give

OP posts:
kali110 · 10/10/2017 19:58

Did i read this right op? This woman is a hcp? I absolutely would be raising hell, a complaint would be made against her.
She should know this is wrong.

MarthaArthur · 10/10/2017 19:58

Well done op. I know thats so disheartening, when i was a carer i made a complaint and was belittled and shouted at by my manager and called a liar. Sadly i can imagine them trying to evade answering you. But persevere.put it in writing if need be.

Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 10/10/2017 20:08

You did read it right, she's a physio.

Thankfully, I don't think she was trying to be elusive, she literally just has that much crap to sort out. She's not liked by the staff it seems, as she is actually making them do their jobs properly. If she doesn't respond tomorrow, I shall be setting up camp in her office

OP posts:
londonrach · 10/10/2017 20:21

What!!!!! Complain and move your mother. How dare that studid daughter do thats. (I work in nursing homes). Let the staff know. Im shocked that daughter even felt she could do that. Grrrrr

shuggas · 10/10/2017 20:25

Wow. I am appalled by the lack of concern and attention from the management, a simple re send is not ok. Fuck too busy . A managers job is to prioritise and that would be the top of the list!xx

Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 10/10/2017 20:50

I've been in her office about more than this, so I do have faith she'll deal with it, it's just frustrating waiting.

Regarding moving my mother, that;s definitely not happening at the moment. A move in such a vulnerable state could kill her, it's best to be in familiar surroundings with familiar faces, even if I do have to do battle.

The camera is a no go, I did ask and it was a solid no.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 10/10/2017 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.