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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nursing Home - Furious

145 replies

ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 19:21

My mother is in a nursing home as she has dementia and 3 weeks ago suffered a stroke that has affected her very badly and is now extremely vulnerable.

In the last week her TV remote has gone missing 3 times and we have had to ask the staff to find it/a replacement as it was no where to be seen. There is a new man in the room opposite and the remote has been found by staff in his room before.

We have now taken to hiding it in her underwear drawer to keep it safe/so no one knows where it is when we aren't around.

Today as I was in the car park leaving, the new man's daughter told me she had 'nipped into' my mum's room to 'borrow the remote' and had gone rooting around in her underwear drawer to find it. I was too stunned at the time to say anything but on my drive home I've got more and more angry.

I would never dream of entering a vulnerable person's (or anyones!) room and rifling through their things, private things. I feel furious that my mother lay in bed, potentially frightened at the sight of some stranger going through her things and completely incapable of stopping her.

Not only the privacy factor, but the safeguarding issue. You aren't allowed in other residents rooms, so if this is going on, anything could be happening when I'm not there which is extremely upsetting.

I'm about to compose an email to the manager as I want the daughter spoken to about how unacceptable this is in a more official capacity than just me saying something. I want to be calm and stick to the facts...just wanted to make sure emotion isn't taking over and I'm not BU?

OP posts:
permatiredmum · 09/10/2017 21:12

Coming at this from a different angle, presumably the TVs and remotes are provided by the home and the problem seems to be that there are fewer remotes than TVs.The remote seems to be going back and forth between the pair of them for this reason.Could it be they see it as the old man's remote and you keep coming in and stealing it?

somewheresomehow · 09/10/2017 21:12

I went for a job in a care home , all they had about me was my cv, and they put me in a residents room to fill the forms in I reported them to the cqc
www.cqc.org.uk/contact-us/report-concern/report-concern-if-you-are-member-public

Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 21:13

She's been there for 3 years after coming out of hospital (dementia), but only in the last 3 weeks has she been in capable of having a voice/been so vulnerable.

OP posts:
Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 21:15

Permatiredmum - Not in any way possible. My mother has been there for 3 years with the same TV and remote. This man has been there a few weeks and has his own remote in his room. The daughter would also not have came to me and said she 'borrowed' it if that were the case.

OP posts:
Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 21:16

Also never in a million years would I enter the man's - or any other residents - room.

OP posts:
Welshmaenad · 09/10/2017 21:18

Does she still have a named social worker, or is she open to the reviewing team?

You really need to raise this with social services as well the home manager if they were involved in her placement. I have competed VA1 referrals for far less than this. They can pursue it on your behalf if you do t get a satisfactory response from the home.

If she isn't open to SS, you need to contact the adult safeguarding team for your local authority.

MammaTJ · 09/10/2017 21:21

This is shocking behaviour towards a vulnerable woman.

I would hit the roof!

Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 21:22

Thanks, Welshmaenad - after the stroke she's been allocated a new social worker. Should I contact her? I thought the home manager would be obliged to?

OP posts:
LovelyPrep · 09/10/2017 21:30

Shock YANBU at all. I'd be spitting feathers. Im just imagining one of the ladies I cared for who had severe dementia, sitting watching someone rifle through her things while totally helpless to stop it and it's giving me the rage.
Definitely a formal complaint OP. I'm so sorry your mum had to go through that and it is a real safeguarding concern as well as being plain bloody rude.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/10/2017 21:34

I'm fucking furious for you. Not only is it a safe guarding issue people being allowed to sneak into vulnerable peoples rooms. Its also a serious invasion of privacy.
Angry

Welshmaenad · 09/10/2017 21:34

I would contact her myself, if I were you. I would be concerned that the manager would minimise the incident and I think you need to be clear that this is a safeguarding concern for a very vulnerable adult. As a SW I would want to hear from families directly if they had concerns like these.

Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 21:35

I keep thinking someone MUST have caught her for her to tell me. I can't think anyone walking up to someone and essentially telling them they broke into their home and took something but it's ok as it was just 'borrowing'. It's crazy and I'm so glad I've had all your replies to read

OP posts:
Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 21:37

I appreciate your advice, thank you. We will contact her directly as well. I want this woman spoken to, Welshmaenad, would that be within SW remit or the home? Not for them to do directly, but would they be in any way instrumental with her being warned?

OP posts:
Welshmaenad · 09/10/2017 21:44

It wouldn't be SS's remit to address this woman directly, but to ensure that the home had taken all steps to fulfil their duty of care to your mum - which is obviously going to mean they will have to speak to her and ensure going forward that nobody accesses your mum's room.

ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lexieblue · 09/10/2017 22:23

I'm so sorry this has happened OP,it is such a violation of trust and an intrusion into your mother's home; you've had good advice already as to speak to the home manager first (if you ever have concerns again the nurse in charge has a duty to report safeguarding concerns). It may be worth writing down in your diary when you raise it verbally. Consider putting it in writing. As others rightly point out, safeguarding team and cqc are other avenues but start with the manager. It might be helpful to have an idea of what you think would make you and your mum feel reassured this won't happen again and TELL THEM this.

Never ever worry about raising concerns about your loved ones.

Hope your mum is ok OP. X

Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 22:24

I don't have any qualms about raising issues, but thank you. If anything I'm just so sick of having to. I'll do anything to protect my mother, but that should be the home's job not mine having to police them constantly

Thank you all again xx

OP posts:
JamPasty · 09/10/2017 22:37

Massive massive hugs. Good on you for being your mother's advocate Flowers

Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 22:44

Thank you.

I've just read that back and feel a bit of an idiot as my daughter and I jointly wrote it and realise now I've jumped from mother/grandmother. Hopefully it doesn't detract from the sentiment

OP posts:
JamPasty · 09/10/2017 22:46

I didn't notice the jump when I read it, and its sentiment and message is totally clear, so don't worry about that!

Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 22:52

Thank you. All your replies have made me feel much better, I'm so drained and didn't know if I was getting too angry about it even though my gut instinct said otherwise Flowers

OP posts:
JamPasty · 09/10/2017 22:55

Definitely not too angry! Try to get some sleep tonight and not stew on it though, and go in their tomorrow calm, strong and determined. Best wishes!

JamPasty · 09/10/2017 22:55

*there - urg my typing!

Storminateapot · 09/10/2017 23:27

Was your Mum in the room as it happened? Your email implies her room was empty and someone went rummaging whereas I thought you'd said she was lying there as it happened.

Not that it changes anything re unfettered access to rooms and the safeguarding issues, but at least if it happened while your Mum was elsewhere it won't have been distressing to her. I'm worrying about her lying confused in her bed watching a stranger seemingly blithely stroll in and burgle her. TerrifyIng thought. If that was worst case and the remote was taken from an empty room it's still disgraceful, I'm just glad your Mum was spared an awful experience (this time).

Not trying to minimise, just glad if she wasn't in the room at the time.

Poshjock · 09/10/2017 23:36

I am appalled and also feeling very awful for you having to go through this. I can't imagine the fear and guilt of thinking your about what your poor mum may have experienced while this was happening. I think that alone would make me so angry. I do want to apologise on behalf of all HCPs - this shouldn't ever happen - such overstepping of boundaries!

I do want to reiterate what PP said about reporting the woman. As a registrant of the same body she is, it is utterly unacceptable behaviour and she absolutely should know this. It is against the standards and ethics - i have linked a document which sets this out. www.hcpc-uk.org/assets/documents/10004EDFStandardsofconduct,performanceandethics.pdf

She is expected to maintain standards in and outside of work and there is enough suspicion that if she would do this so blithely to your mother, then she does present a risk to other vulnerable people and I think the HCPC would absolutely want to investigate her fitness to practice - she will need to prove to HCPC that she has reflected on her error and has insight into why it was wrong and how she will behave in future to prevent recurrence.

I know you do worry about how this may affect you, your family and your mother, but if you make the home aware that you are complaining they have a duty of care to protect your mum. Also any reprisals can result in her being struck off the register so she would be very very foolish to do anything to jeopardise her career. Fitness to Practice hearings are not meant to be punitive and should result in a positive change, provided she engages with HCPC and strives to achieve the change.

If she doesn't back down immediately and be very sorry about her behaviour, you should consider contacting HCPC as this shows that she is incapable of having insight into complaints/comments against her and this is not acceptable of HCPs at all.

Again, I am so very sorry that you have had to be put through this and to your mum also for being so disrespected by someone that should know better.