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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nursing Home - Furious

145 replies

ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 19:21

My mother is in a nursing home as she has dementia and 3 weeks ago suffered a stroke that has affected her very badly and is now extremely vulnerable.

In the last week her TV remote has gone missing 3 times and we have had to ask the staff to find it/a replacement as it was no where to be seen. There is a new man in the room opposite and the remote has been found by staff in his room before.

We have now taken to hiding it in her underwear drawer to keep it safe/so no one knows where it is when we aren't around.

Today as I was in the car park leaving, the new man's daughter told me she had 'nipped into' my mum's room to 'borrow the remote' and had gone rooting around in her underwear drawer to find it. I was too stunned at the time to say anything but on my drive home I've got more and more angry.

I would never dream of entering a vulnerable person's (or anyones!) room and rifling through their things, private things. I feel furious that my mother lay in bed, potentially frightened at the sight of some stranger going through her things and completely incapable of stopping her.

Not only the privacy factor, but the safeguarding issue. You aren't allowed in other residents rooms, so if this is going on, anything could be happening when I'm not there which is extremely upsetting.

I'm about to compose an email to the manager as I want the daughter spoken to about how unacceptable this is in a more official capacity than just me saying something. I want to be calm and stick to the facts...just wanted to make sure emotion isn't taking over and I'm not BU?

OP posts:

NorthernLurker · 09/10/2017 20:06

The whole point about safeguarding is not that every issue raised like this is a problem but some may be. At the very least the ops mum may have been scared by this intrusion. At worst this could have resulted in her suffering abuse of some sort. The home should prevent this. It's really serious.

MarthaArthur · 09/10/2017 20:07

Oh yes there are locks for nursing home doors you could request onr. We had them on ours. It meant they were locked on the outside so other residsnts couldnt enter but the resident inside could open it from the inside. Not sure if thats applicible to your dm but its worth a thought.

Pancakeflipper · 09/10/2017 20:07

nothing helpful to say but I was furious reading this. Do complain (in fact lots of us will come with you)

WishfulThanking · 09/10/2017 20:10

I don't think feministhater knows what Safeguarding actually means. Showed yourself up there!

SemiNormal · 09/10/2017 20:15

for you and your mum. Nothing to add but to agree with what everyone else has said. YANBU at all to complain and tell them you want reassurance that this will not be happening again under any circumstances and that the other 'visitor' is told she is NOT to wander into any other and start rifling through other peoples belongings

MilibandStoleMySonsName · 09/10/2017 20:16

Definitely a nanny cam, and as a former nursing home carer I'm horrified that a visitor would go into the bedroom of another resident.
It sounds like the remotes are swapped around which is a huge infection control issue.
Yes, write to the manager and if it's a group home with an area manager I'd copy them in too.
In the short term, I'd buy a new tv so the remote won't work on anyone else's tv.

SuperBeagle · 09/10/2017 20:20

That is absolutely not on.

I have worked in aged care, and would be mortified to hear that something like that had happened/was happening.

MilibandStoleMySonsName · 09/10/2017 20:20

Sorry, I've just rtft and seen that it's company home, and you've already been given some great advice.

honeyroar · 09/10/2017 20:20

Thanks for replying to my earlier post. I didn't realise your mum couldn't move or speak - that makes it even worse, you're right. It's disgusting she went rooting through.

I agree with whoever said get a nanny cam. In the meantime put a sign on the door saying "only care home staff to enter. CCTV in use."

I hope you're ok. It's all you need on top of everything you've got going on. Rude bloody woman!

Ijustlovefood · 09/10/2017 20:24

Definitely not. If someone did this to my mum (also in a nursing home) I would kick off. I'd be having words with both the daughter and the home manager.

fullofhope03 · 09/10/2017 20:26

OMG - This has made my blood boil. Dear OP, you are most definately NBU. Yes it is a safeguarding issue. And goes against the NMC's 'Privacy and Dignity' code of conduct also.
The suggestion of a sensor mat on the threshold of your Mum's room is a good one, as is the lockable but accessible from the inside idea too.
The woman should be spoken to in no uncertain terms asap about never ever shambling into other rooms apart from her Father's. EVER again. As an HCP it is a million times more appalling that she even thought it would be acceptable to rifle through your Mum's personal belongings. FFS. So, compose an email to the Home Manager. (That way you'll have an easily accessible record of this issue/ongoing incident). Then arrange a meeting with her/him ASAP. And let her know in no uncertain terms that if you ever, even suspect for a millisecond this has taken place again, you will report the home to the CQC and the Police. That should help. And I worked as an CA in 2 nursing homes. Good luck and

frumpety · 09/10/2017 20:28

The nursing home is your Mothers home , her room is her own private space , how would you react if she was living in her own house and a neighbours relative wandered in without permission and borrowed something ? This is where you need to come from with the nursing home when discussing it with them . Random strangers who are not employed to care for your Mother have absolutely no right or need to be entering her room , ever .

JaneEyre70 · 09/10/2017 20:28

I used to work in a care home, and something like this is unthinkable. I'd ring the Manager, and say how angry and upset you are about it and that you expect for the other resident to be issued a remote of their own immediately so this doesn't happen again, and that this relative is talked to about never entering your mums room again. I don't think a formal complaint is fair given that staff were probably unaware, but it needs dealing with firmly to make sure it never happens again. As if you need any more stress, some people have poor excuses for brains!!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 09/10/2017 20:28

My mother was in a dementia care home for very nearly 8 years - there was a lot of what they called 'squirrelling' - residents walking off with things they fancied, which is almost bound to happen with dementia - but I never heard of a relative doing such a thing!

I would definitely have a quiet but very firm word with the management. They need to tell her that this is completely unacceptable.

shuggas · 09/10/2017 20:31

Definitely start with complaints procedure and you want some reassurance that measures are put in place to prevent future circumstances happening again. Log it as a formal complaint put it in writing as they have to disclose complaints and demonstrate they are dealt with properly.

If that fails or you don’t feel confident or it continues - local Authority safeguarding team, Google your local council and search ‘make an alert’, you can submit an alert online. You can also inform cqc alongside your complaint or alongside your local Authority alert to the safeguarding team.

Hope that helps xx bloody awful xx

shuggas · 09/10/2017 20:32

I would also suggest to them a thumb lock door where you can open from the inside so not depriving of liberty but nobody can go in without a key xx

Iceland22 · 09/10/2017 20:38

If it's a large company there will be strict policies in place, name on here or send me a message and I can draft a response for you. Also let me know what local authority and I'll look at their safeguarding procedures.
I would have no hesitation in reporting the incident to the police, use the non emergency number, they will give you a crime number.
You are absolutely correct in your reaction to this. Don't doubt your instincts.
Sorry to hear about your mum, it's bloody hard isn't it? I lost my dad recently and know how it feels to try and look after someone vulnerable.

Original poster

ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 20:43

Thank you again for all your replies. I'm sort of calming down, but then I feel waves of HOWDARESHE all over again and get upset. I'll be sending the email soon, but could really do without the response hanging over me while at work tomorrow.

I'm so fed up and drained and just want my mother safe.

OP posts:

honeyroar · 09/10/2017 20:51

The door shouldn't have to be locked shut while she's in there. People shouldn't just walk in! My MIL is in a dementia home. Their rooms are locked while they're not in them and we use a nurse's key if we need to go in. But some residents are room bound and their doors are open. So they can see people and we we always wave and say hello if we go past. But I'd never dream of going in. Occasionally a family picture or ornament that doesn't belong to my MIL pops up in her room (that she's taken from someone else's room) and we put it on a table in the corridor and tell the nurses. It would be a shame to have to shut the very poorly residents behind closed doors.☹️

Original poster

ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 20:58

Exactly. The doors have to be left open so workers can see she's alright and so she's not entirely blocked off from the world.

I don't think we're allowed to put a camera in. We are there 80% of the time with her anyway to protect her.

I'm just glad my daughter wasn't there, she would have gone beyond ballistic at the woman

OP posts:

Storminateapot · 09/10/2017 21:00

That's appalling. My guess is they caught her coming out of there, already have had words and she's trying to minimise it all by saying she told you and you were ok with it.

It would be a shame for your Mum to be lying immobile behind a closed door if being able to see the world go by would be pleasing to her (it might not be of course), but completely unacceptable that anyone can just wander in and rummage around/take her things. Aside from anything else what if another dementia patient wanders in confused and goodness knows what...

It must be so worrying for you, I hope your poor Mum recovers some capacity again.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/10/2017 21:02

Complain x 10000
Also leave a note in her drawer

You can work out the wording but you can use some profanities

So sorry OP

shuggas · 09/10/2017 21:03

Sorry I don’t know the set up and certainly wasn’t suggesting isolation by any means. I assumed the door was shut in the first place hence my suggestion of thumb locks!

Original poster

ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 21:04

No not at all, don't be sorry. At the moment I wish I could nail the door shut to protect her so your suggestion was well-meaning :)

OP posts:

Welshmaenad · 09/10/2017 21:10

Was the placement a private arrangement or was she placed by social services?

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