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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nursing Home - Furious

145 replies

ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 19:21

My mother is in a nursing home as she has dementia and 3 weeks ago suffered a stroke that has affected her very badly and is now extremely vulnerable.

In the last week her TV remote has gone missing 3 times and we have had to ask the staff to find it/a replacement as it was no where to be seen. There is a new man in the room opposite and the remote has been found by staff in his room before.

We have now taken to hiding it in her underwear drawer to keep it safe/so no one knows where it is when we aren't around.

Today as I was in the car park leaving, the new man's daughter told me she had 'nipped into' my mum's room to 'borrow the remote' and had gone rooting around in her underwear drawer to find it. I was too stunned at the time to say anything but on my drive home I've got more and more angry.

I would never dream of entering a vulnerable person's (or anyones!) room and rifling through their things, private things. I feel furious that my mother lay in bed, potentially frightened at the sight of some stranger going through her things and completely incapable of stopping her.

Not only the privacy factor, but the safeguarding issue. You aren't allowed in other residents rooms, so if this is going on, anything could be happening when I'm not there which is extremely upsetting.

I'm about to compose an email to the manager as I want the daughter spoken to about how unacceptable this is in a more official capacity than just me saying something. I want to be calm and stick to the facts...just wanted to make sure emotion isn't taking over and I'm not BU?

OP posts:
Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 19:45

Stealthpolarbear - that did raise a smile. I must admit, my husband suggested doing the same (obviously I won't be)

OP posts:
MarthaArthur · 09/10/2017 19:45

Op you can include the police and social services and your mothers gp if things are going missing. Its abuse and theft of her property. Dont be afraid to voice any time you feel something is wrong.

Inertia · 09/10/2017 19:47

This is a safeguarding issue, and you are absolutely right to complain.

kazillionaire · 09/10/2017 19:48

She may feel that as she is a HCP that she is somehow entitled to behave in a different way than a non HCP visitor but it is a safeguarding risk non the less. Not only is she putting your mum at risk, she is also putting herself at risk of accusations, she is a fool

BoreOfWhabylon · 09/10/2017 19:49

This woman is a HCP you say?

If she is on a professional Register I would be making a formal complaint about her.

lemonsandlimes123 · 09/10/2017 19:51

Absolutely agree with all past posters as it is horrible and you should definitely complain. Just wondering why she would want the remote for your mothers TV, it makes no sense at all? Or do all the remotes work for all the TVs? Some people's behaviour is just jaw dropping.

Icanhearmynebioursshouting · 09/10/2017 19:51

this is why im dreading my parents or dps parents going into a care home, there not good enough.

WishfulThanking · 09/10/2017 19:53

Of course you aren't being unreasonable, you just sound it when you talk about "the safeguarding issue".

WTAF are you on about, otters? Care to explain? Hmm

BelleandBeast · 09/10/2017 19:53

Of course you aren't being unreasonable, you just sound it when you talk about "the safeguarding issue. otterhatefeminists

What a horrible derogatory comment. Imagine it were your mother. Its is a safeguarding issue. The OP's mother is vulnerable and strangers are entering her room. Just because she is in a home doesn't mean people can violate her privacy when they feel like it.

Complaint to the Home and there will be a Safeguarding Adults section on the Local Authority website because it is bloody important otterhatefeminists

BewareOfDragons · 09/10/2017 19:53

I would have absolutely gone off on her. Completely out of order. Please complain formally.

Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 19:54

Maybe it is where the sense of entitlement comes from, her being a HCP.

They apparently work for all the TVs, something I was previously unaware of until this started happening.

Regarding formal complaint to professional body...I hope it doesn't sound cowardly, but there is every chance this woman will be around when I am not and her father is directly opposite my mother. I would be worried about her reaction/me not thereand also creating an even more horrendous situation for my mum than we are already dealing with. If she ever did anything again, I'd definitely not rule it out.

OP posts:
Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 19:56

I really really wish I'd just let rip with a WTF How DARE You but I was getting into my car to drive away as she said it, and it just stunned me. I stood there staring at her as she walked off

OP posts:
WishfulThanking · 09/10/2017 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

chewiecat · 09/10/2017 19:58

Yanbu op
That is such a horrible thing to do , taking advantage of an elderly sick person. Imagine what else she could take or do!
Hope your dm is ok x

user1471464472 · 09/10/2017 19:59

If the home are aware that people are going into your mother's room and are not addressing it, then I would report this to the Social Services safeguarding team and to the CQC who inspect the homes. We have recently had to move my mother in law, who suffers from severe dementia to a new nursing home, because of numerous safeguarding issues which ultimately resulted in the nursing home being closed.

Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 20:00

Thank you all for your lovely replies. One of the worst aspects of this is that my mother can't verbalise if she's scared/ok or anything at the moment which upsets me even more

OP posts:
strongasmeringue · 09/10/2017 20:01

To take advantage of someone because of their vulnerability is criminal.

todowhat · 09/10/2017 20:01

Can you put a hidden nannycam in your Mum's room? I would.

That woman had no right to do what she did, I'd be beyond livid in your shoes.

ShellyBoobs · 09/10/2017 20:01

Just wanted to add my 'YANBU' to the others.

It must be a horrible feeling to know things like this are going on when your mum's vulnerable.

Flowers
KindleBueno · 09/10/2017 20:01

Your DM should have a social worker. I would be notifying them as well as a direct complaint to the home.

MarthaArthur · 09/10/2017 20:02

Dont beat yourself up about it op. Its easily done to be too shocked to respond. And please dont feel intimidated by her. In the nicest possible way you have to be the strong one now to keep your mother safe.

tiredbutFINE · 09/10/2017 20:03

It is a safeguarding issue, of course! My suggestion is that you contact the Home manager, tell her what has happened and ask the question- what will the Home put in place to ensure this does not happen again? What procedures do they have to prevent visitors wandering into residents rooms? put it back on them to fix the issues. If new manager is good and trying her best, I'd start with that and save police in case there is a further occasion at which point you have the evidence you emailed and brought it to their attention.
Really, if visitors have free reign to rummage in residents belongings then the potential for theft of valuables is high for all residents

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 09/10/2017 20:04

No advice just Flowers for you and your mum

I'd be raging. Yadnbu. Hope the manager can help

Beerwench · 09/10/2017 20:04

Totally unacceptable and the home staff need to be put in the picture asap IMO. The woman may feel as an HCP she isn't a safeguarding risk, and therefore there isn't a problem from that POV, however as an HCP she should realise this is absolutely not on!
If you are worried about access to your mums room etc, suggest (or insist!) That a pressure mat is located inside her door, which triggers the nurse call system when someone steps on it. A small switch can be located and hidden to one side of the door, for you/family/staff to turn on and off when going in and out to your mum, however the staff will be alerted immediately by the nurse call when someone who shouldn't goes into her room and respond.

JsOtherHalf · 09/10/2017 20:04

There are locks suitable for residential homes that are key operated, or digi code. Would that be an idea for your mum's room?
It might reassure you.