Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To believe that going on holiday is a privilege and not a right?

184 replies

speedymama · 10/04/2007 13:50

Visited family in the Midlands last weekend and one of my cousins is looking for a job after being made redundant. He is married with 4 children and they have a mortgage. The youngest child is 3yo and his wife does not work.

She complained to us that she needed a break and wanted to go on holiday but they could not afford it. I expressed my sympathies and said that you cannot always have what you cannot afford and that she should consider taking them for days out to parks which are free. This was greeted with a frosty silence and she then said that everyone deserves to go on holiday and one way or other, they will be going.

My cousin confided to me a few weeks ago that they were having money problems and were avoiding bank etc. Knowing this, I just feel it would be irresponsible of them to even consider wasting money that they do not have on a week away in a caravan (she is considering a Haven holiday).

Am I being anachronistic and old fashion or is she reflecting modern attitude of buy now, worry about it later? I also think that if she wants the holiday, she should get a job to pay for it. That way, he could afford to take a lower paying job which he cannot afford to do at the moment.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 10/04/2007 18:05

"I do get fed up with hearing playground mums detailing their Easter holiday, half term mini-break, Summer vacation and October 'tonic', though"

Hmm...so do I if I'm honest. And more importantly my DS#1 is beginning to get a bit fed up with only going to Cornwall every year when his classmates go to Egypt, the Bahamas, skiing etc. And we don't exactly live in an affluent area. Still.... envy isn't an attractive emotion so I try to smile and look interested....

pointydog · 10/04/2007 18:06

yep, agree sober. Aside from family squabbles, holidays not a 'right'

NadineBaggott · 10/04/2007 18:07

agree with OP 100%

OrvilleRedenbacher · 10/04/2007 18:09

i agree too

Sobernow · 10/04/2007 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chocolate1000 · 10/04/2007 18:16

I don't see why the wife can't get a job to pay for a holiday if she wants one - 4 kids notwithstanding. Even if she got a job stacking shelves in a supermarket for a few months.

If she wants a holiday she should get off her backside and do something about it. My parents had 4 kids and we had a holiday each year (sometimes in a place called Stopathome) thanks to my Dad working all the hours God sent. I will add here that days out from home aren't the same as a holiday away esp not when your an adult. Children don't notice as much. Until they go back to school and their mates have gone to Disneyland.....

electra · 10/04/2007 18:20

But we could all look at other people's lives and point out things they should/shouldn't be doing. It's very easy to judge when you don't know the full extent of circumstances. It's not really very nice though is it? Or productive. I guess that's my point. We all think things, but should we say them? Possibly not.

chacha3 · 10/04/2007 18:20

what me and bf does is drop the children down to my mums where they stay over night and we go out for a meal and a nice walk then go home and chill out have anice lie in and then go get kids in the morning! thats what i call a break!!!!dont cost much either!!! then we all go to the park or do something special with the kids so they dont miss out

Sobernow · 10/04/2007 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chocolate1000 · 10/04/2007 18:36

Actually having said that, I wish my Mum had got a job so we could have had more holidays (not selfish, moi) - but my Dad didn't like the idea of his wife working so that was that.

drosophila · 10/04/2007 18:52

When I was growing up we NEVER had a holiday. I think I have had about 5 holidays in my life (I am 39). Haven't had one for about 6 years.

I dooooo need a break believe me. It's not just the money ( I could use visa) there are other issues. DS has severe allergies so non emglish speaking countries scare me. I find it hard enough reading the ngredients in the UK. Our car is too small to go very far and we have no support so all our leave is used up covering school holidays.

It does sadden me though.

pinknfluffy29 · 10/04/2007 18:58

speedymama - tell her to collect her tokens out of the sun and have a holiday for £9.50!!! bargain!!! we going on one on thursday to north wales, ok its not 2 weeks in maldives but it gets us away and the kids get to go swimming and stay in a caravan like i did as a wee lass!!! when we can afford it we will be having a belated honeymoon in cuba!!!

drosophila · 10/04/2007 19:10

It is really about living within your means and cutting your cloth to fit your purse. we live a bit beyond our means but on the whole we are sensible. I know several people who don't know what means are never mind living within them.

flutterbee · 10/04/2007 19:14

I have had 2 holidays in my whole life.

1 when I was 19 and went for 3 nights a Butlins in Bognor with some girlfriends

and then

Last year Me DH and DS went and stayed in a beautiful chalet Monday - Friday.

I didn't even have a honeymoon and I don't own a passport yet because going out of the country has never been an option.

Why the hell would anyone put a bloody holiday ahead of their mortgage etc and by the sounds of it she puts it ahead of the well being of her husband too.

Total selfishness.

You are 100% right speedy

jhyesmum · 10/04/2007 19:30

We try to have a weeks hols in Aug. Only in a caravan, but we save for it.

Last year DH was made redundant and there was no way we could go so we didn't.

I couldn't handle to the worry of spending money that we didn't really have on a hols.

We both work, but we like to make sure we always have money in the bank if we can.

This year, we are going for our week's hol. In a caravan. But, it's only because we are now back on our feet.

IMO, i think she does need to find a little job. Even with four kids, this is possible even if it's evenings. It would definatley help their holiday fund.

Surfermum · 10/04/2007 19:38

I'm one who has to have holidays. Well not HAS to, but likes to in order to keep myself sane. I'm not fussed about going abroad, I'm perfectly happy in a tent in Cornwall if need be, but I do like to have the break from routine, a break from telly, phone calls and the day to day drudgery.

I always save for them though and wouldn't have one if I had bills or mortgage payments I couldn't make. But I do make them a priority with our disposable income, for example I'd far rather put £100 towards a holiday or a weekend away than spend it on clothes and take aways. It's probably one of the reasons that renovating our cottage has so far taken 7 years - given the choice between a week in Cornwall and DIY, Cornwall wins hands down every time, I'd rather have a photo album full of happy memories and a few good wipe outs to my name.

I do agree with other posters though that if your SIL can't afford it she should either get a job so she can, or accept that this year it isn't going to happen. It's one thing doing these things on credit if you've got a regular income, but still wanting to do so when you don't and you have money problems is rather irresponsible.

Hulababy · 10/04/2007 21:27

If you can't afford it, then you can't go. Surely it is as simple as that.

I personally think a break away from the home is very useful and far more beneficial than a few day trips. It is for me anyway; I only truely switch off if away from home for a few days.

If you have the means to save up for a holiday, in whatever form, then fine. But sorry, if you are out of work with no real income and a mortgage to pay - then it is out of the question for a while.

"and one way or other, they will be going." - her quote. What does she mean? Where will she get the money to pay for a holiday? How?

Lovecat · 10/04/2007 22:06

Speedy, your cousin's wife sounds just like one of my ex-SILs - she 'had' to have her holiday, and it 'had' to be abroad (otherwise it wasn't a proper holiday) every year, because it 'wasn't fair' otherwise... meanwhile she had ccjs and second mortgages up the wazoo and everyone in the family was lending them money to stop the house getting repossessed (3 kids, sahm because it wasn't 'fair' that she had to go out to work either, as none of her friends with kids had to) - ended up in the divorce courts... Now she's complaining that it's so unfair that no-one will give her a credit card! I've tried (gently) to explain to her that they're not free money and she will have to pay it back, which is why no-one will give her one because she can't, but it goes in one ear and out the other...

Some people are just spoilt rotten and think the world owes them a living.

(NB, yes, I am judgemental, that's the fun of these AIBU topics, isn't it? Or have I missed the point? )

Original poster
speedymama · 11/04/2007 09:04

I would just like to say that when I have given money in the past, I have never mentioned it again. I do not make them feel that they should be grateful. I've done it because I wanted to help.

DH and I were discussing this last night and he has put his foot down and said that there is no way I'm giving them anymore money. He said that if they can afford to waste money on buying junk food like McD for 4 children, pay for dancing lessons for their daughter, swimming club for two of their sons plus sending middle son to Karate tournaments, then they should be able to find money to pay their bills.

DH also pointed out that his mother went to work in a sewing factory to make ends meet. His father would come home and she would work in the evening until 10pm. Similarly, my mother worked nights as an auxillary nurse whilst my father worked in a factory during day. Despite that, DH family only went on holiday about 3 times and mine did not go on holiday at all. I went on my first holiday when I was 24yo with friends!

I realised that DH has been quietly fuming about this because he does not understand why I have been giving them money when she is perfectly capable of getting a job. My DM is livid too and says that I should put my children first.

OP posts:
FillyjonkIsMilitantAboutFruit · 11/04/2007 09:06

christ whats wrong with poor people having the odd break?

they need it more not less

Original poster
speedymama · 11/04/2007 09:07

Hulubaby - last year her retired mother contributed to the holiday so I think she is banking on that happening again.

OP posts:
charliecat · 11/04/2007 09:08

Ver sensible speedymama, it would be like throwing your money into the fire.

Original poster
speedymama · 11/04/2007 09:12

Filly, my family were poor and we never had one because my parents could not afford it. If you are struggling to pay bills including the mortgage, imo, it is foolhardy to spend money on non-essential things like a holiday! It is even more reckless to do so when people are giving you money to help keep the roof over your head and you are not prepared to help yourself by getting a job.

Am I missing something because I think that if you have money troubles, you should be prioritising. Maybe I'm too sensible.

OP posts:
kslatts · 11/04/2007 09:25

I think that if your cousins wife thinks holidays are that important she should get a job herself. If I didn't work then we would never be able to go on holiday.

bozza · 11/04/2007 09:30

My parents really prioritised holidays - but they were always very cheap - camping on cheap campsites and cooking all our own food but we would go Easter, Spring Bank, Summer and September. I did not get a passport until I was in my late teens because all the holidays were in England. I do think there is something to be said for a break though but agree that it should be based on what is affordable.