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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To believe that going on holiday is a privilege and not a right?

184 replies

speedymama · 10/04/2007 13:50

Visited family in the Midlands last weekend and one of my cousins is looking for a job after being made redundant. He is married with 4 children and they have a mortgage. The youngest child is 3yo and his wife does not work.

She complained to us that she needed a break and wanted to go on holiday but they could not afford it. I expressed my sympathies and said that you cannot always have what you cannot afford and that she should consider taking them for days out to parks which are free. This was greeted with a frosty silence and she then said that everyone deserves to go on holiday and one way or other, they will be going.

My cousin confided to me a few weeks ago that they were having money problems and were avoiding bank etc. Knowing this, I just feel it would be irresponsible of them to even consider wasting money that they do not have on a week away in a caravan (she is considering a Haven holiday).

Am I being anachronistic and old fashion or is she reflecting modern attitude of buy now, worry about it later? I also think that if she wants the holiday, she should get a job to pay for it. That way, he could afford to take a lower paying job which he cannot afford to do at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
speedymama · 10/04/2007 14:38

Earlybird, as there are many members of the close family who cannot afford to go on holiday even though they work, I don't think they will find the idea palatable.

OP posts:
KTeePee · 10/04/2007 14:41

But if you give him money you won't know for sure what it has been spent on? Even if it is used to pay bills, maybe they will then use whatever money they had put aside for bills for something frivolous.... I totally agree they should not go on holiday if they can't afford it, especially if they are borrowing money from other people for the basics. Maybe you need to say to your cousin that you are happy to give him money for bills but if you find out they are deliberately getting themselves into debt unneccessarily you will never help him out again.

Tbh I would be wary of giving them anything unless it was an actual bill you could pay directly.....

colditz · 10/04/2007 14:47

it's not accurate to judge someone's wealth by how many toys their child has. Mine have more toys than he can poke with a stick, they are nearly all from the ex-inlaws, and my mum and dad. Even when I have said "Well, actually, he needs shoes" I told told that that's not much of a birthday prest - which I suppose it isn't, but neither is another box of toys you never ever play with.

I am getting a holiday this year, I am very very lucky my dad is paying for it - it's a week in Caister at Haven. I am very very grateful for it too! Won't have one next year if I haven't found a job though - might go to Skeg for the day.

nogoes · 10/04/2007 14:49

I don't think anything is a right except a roof over your head and food. That said, I would hate to go without a holiday and I have paid for a holiday on a credit card many times.

I think this is the problem with lending people money. Don't do it.

Original poster
speedymama · 10/04/2007 14:51

Colditz, we went to Caister two years ago on a half price deal with Haven. Had a really good time and I hope you do too.

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KTeePee · 10/04/2007 14:51

colditz, I know for a fact that the person in question buys a huge percentage of the toys - but agree that one can't assume.

gess · 10/04/2007 14:54

If you don't have enough money for it to be pretty meaningless to you, then don't lend it for any purposes. If you feel like you've worked hard for it then it has the potential to come between your relationship.

I used to think going on holiday was a privilege until I found myself in the position of not being able to go. Now I find myself staring at cruise brochures and wondering round campervans calculating that in 15-20 years time we might be able to go (depending on what we've got sorted for ds1). I miss holidays more than I could ever have predicted.

NKffffffffee0f7f95X1118efd8f2d · 10/04/2007 14:56

I can't see how a holiday could ever be a right. Re: giving money, always tricky unless you can do it without minding how they spend it.

sunnyjim · 10/04/2007 14:59

I think she is confusing the facts that;
1 everyone WANTS a break
2 everyone who works is entitled (legally not morally) to x amount of paid leave
3 A holiday has to be 'abroad' or away

yep if you want fancy holidays or even to pay for any holiday then you get a job to pay for it. We've just had our first 'couple' break away this year, DS GP's came down to our house and babysat DS while we borrowed their house (in a not very pretty village but closer to countryside),
only costs - petrol for car.

why? cos we wanted a break just the two of us after a bad patch and couldn't afford to pay for a hotel etc. we certianly didn't confuse wanting with deserving!

misdee · 10/04/2007 15:01

colditz, caister is wonderful. and right on the beach. i love it there. Peter has said that after tx he wants a a week in gt yarmouth and caister.

Aloha · 10/04/2007 15:02

Um, I think it is their business, not yours tbh. I also think if I confided in someone that I really wanted a holiday and they responded with what sounded like a lecture on financial responsibility, I'd be incredibly pissed off. No wonder you got a 'frostly silence'.

MrsMar · 10/04/2007 15:04

I've always loved travelling, and I've been on some pretty expensive holidays to long haul destinations. That said, it's pretty much always at the expense of other things. I have a crap 12 year old car, live in a small flat, didn't have kids etc etc. However, now I'm pg with my first I think holidays will be the first thing to be cut. I work full time and so does dh, but still we won't be able to afford expensive holidays any more. I agree I think your cousins wife is being selfish. When you have children surely you have to make sacrifices elsewhere in your life? It's fine when you're young and carefree, but as a parent you're responsible for feeding, sheltering and clothing your children. It's not like you can live on pasta and baked beans for months on end as I did in my 20s to pay for a round the world trip. If we struggle with bills, the first thing that'll go will be the luxuries, holidays, satellite tv, going out etc.

colditz · 10/04/2007 15:04

I love caister. I have been once, a few years ago, when ds1 was ds2's age, and had 4 nights there in a caravan shared with friends - we paid £45 each family - and this time we are going just us, for a week. I've been squirrelling money.

pointydog · 10/04/2007 15:05

No, of course it's not a right to go on holiday

Original poster
speedymama · 10/04/2007 15:13

Aloha, yes it is their business but she asked my opinion and I gave it honestly. If she is peeved it is because she heard what she did not want to hear and in that case, she should not have asked my opinion. What is wrong with pointing out her financial responsibilities anyway, especially when the house is at risk?

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Original poster
speedymama · 10/04/2007 15:18

MrsMars, DH and I were the same, travelled the world. When the DTS came along 3 years ago, all of that changed. DH sister is working in the USA and we would like to visit her in Boston but as we want to move house in 2 years time, we don't believe we can justify that sort of expenditure. We rather put that money towards the deposit for a new house.

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Aloha · 10/04/2007 15:19

I think she was actually just talking about how much she would like a holiday. ie 'wanted to go on holiday but could not afford it'. What is wrong with replying, 'oh, that's a shame. I can see why you feel like that'. Why feel the need to lecture her? If I say to someone 'blimey, the kids are driving me demented today', I expect them to smile sympathetically and say 'I know what you mean', not give me a lecture about my parental responsibilities! I'd be extremely peeved if they did.

hercules1 · 10/04/2007 15:21

I got fed up of never going on holiday so we bought a tent and holiday in the uk.

Aloha · 10/04/2007 15:23

Obviously you have the right to think anything you want about this relative's life choices, and I might well agree with you. However, I think sounding so critical is likely to offend, and clearly did so.

beckybrastraps · 10/04/2007 15:25

"She complained to us that she needed a break and wanted to go on holiday but they could not afford it"

If she asked for your opinion, then maybe. But if she was just offloading, then perhaps you came over a little stern.

That said, if someone were lending me money so I didn't lose my house, I'm not sure I'd moan on about lack of holidays to them.

Original poster
speedymama · 10/04/2007 15:27

Actually Aloha, that is not what she was saying. She was saying that she wanted to go on holiday because she wanted a break. They managed it last and one way or other, they will manage it again this year. Hence my response.

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noddyholder · 10/04/2007 15:27

The reality is that the cost of living is so high these days that a holiday has become a luxury Although i do think it is ridiculous that people are in a situation where they work but can't have a break mainly because we are all mortgaged to the eyeballs these days

electra · 10/04/2007 15:29

Yes, going on holiday is not a right, but OP sounds a bit judgemental tbh. Why judge them? It's their life and their debt. Why do you care what they do?

Personally I don't think holidays are a waste of money because the right one can be very good for ones health. I myself can take or leave them though.

Original poster
speedymama · 10/04/2007 15:30

Noddy, I'm 42 yo and grew up without holidays. It has always been a luxury, imo.

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Original poster
speedymama · 10/04/2007 15:32

Electra, I care because as I have said before, I don't want them to lose their house. They have 4 children aged 3 to 11yo and their well being should be the priority, not some idle parent who just wants a break.

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