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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Michelin starred restaurant for pre-school mums night out

252 replies

nonwonderwoman · 09/10/2017 11:43

I don't want to start a Christmas thread in October - but unfortunately that is where this is going.
My DS has just joined a pre-school that is part of a local prep school. There aren't may pre-schools round here and he just goes a few hours a week, but it is a generally lovely non-pretentious little school.
The class rep has just sent round the invite for the class Christmas party which I has previously said yes to as I love a good night out. However, the invite is to a fancy £100 a head Michelin starred place (no drink included - that is just the food!).
AIBU to think this is perfectly bonkers, and not something I want to spend my money on 2 weeks before Christmas, with people I barely know. Plus the restaurant is in the swankiest part of London and we are in the home counties, so it's also a massive trek.
How should I respond? I can't imagine many of the mum's saying yes due to the prohibitive cost - but it's all a bit embarrassing really. What's wrong with tapas at the local pub?

OP posts:
CantChoose · 09/10/2017 13:46

I think your response is perfect tbh.
I wouldn’t suggest an alternative as I think that’s a bit rude, I think you’re right not to do that. But you’ve been honest and to the point.
I’d happy spend £100 on that sort of thing but like a PP said, it wouldn’t be with a random group, only friends and family!

TizzyDongue · 09/10/2017 13:50

You did the right thing; your reply is good.

Do you have an idea what the general financial background is of the parents of the preschool? The first primary school my dc went too it was generally in the 'very wealthy' - I know that's open to interpretation but a holiday home in the country and abroad weren't unusual for most families.

First 'mums' night out was in a wine bar - I turned up (clueless!) Cheapest drink on the menu was the house wine at 30 per bottle. But a few other mums declared that as they were out they should treat themselves and promptly ordered 4 bottles at 45 each 'for starters.

I almost died on the spot (and quietly disappeared). Continued like that for the time I was associated with the school!!

Different primary now - next social event includes all parents and cost a tenner!!

2014newme · 09/10/2017 13:53

Keep us updated op.

whome69 · 09/10/2017 13:54

Sorry had missed your actual reply I think that was a good response also :-) I just got a bit worried when you mentioned alpha female as been there done that :-)

Original poster
nonwonderwoman · 09/10/2017 14:02

In response to Tizzy - because the pre-school is one of only a couple in the area (and has an excellent Ofsted report) there are quite a few parents that send their children to the early years sessions but then move them to state school once Reception starts. There is quite a mix of parents, certainly some very wealthy but I'd say most parents are professionals who commute and work in London, who are on a pretty decent income, but due to the area, also have quite high outgoings such as mortgages, childcare costs etc.

A Michelin starred restaurant isn't beyond us and we aren't struggling to meet the pre-school fees (he's really only there for such a short amount of time), but an evening out like this would be more suited to a special occasion with my DH or DM - so for a special birthday or wedding anniversary.
No one has said yes yet...

OP posts:
Niloufes · 09/10/2017 14:05

Just say you can;t really afford it and suggest something closer and less expensive. You are bound not to be the only one.

Spudlet · 09/10/2017 14:07

Sometimes, I think it helps to remind oneself that the only concrete thing that you have in common with parents of similar aged children is the fact that you probably all had a shag at roughly the same time some years previously, and work from that point. Some you'll get on with swimmingly, others less so. And that's all good.

So no need to worry about your random concurrent shaggers thinking you're a Poor because you don't want to piss £200-odd away on a night out! Set down your markers now and kick on op Smile

whome69 · 09/10/2017 14:07

Not suprised noon has said yes!!! As you say even if affordable its not a night out with the school mums unless you are a Kardashian !!!

Easter Smile
WomblingThree · 09/10/2017 14:08

Is going out with all the mums from school (are dads not allowed) a “thing”? How is that organised? By class or year group or what? It sounds an incredibly forced situation; having to be friends and socialise with people just because your kids happen to be at the same school.

When my kids were at school, the Queen Bees organised nights out very loudly and ostentatiously, inviting only their acolytes and making less secure mothers feel like shit. Maybe it’s different at fee paying schools as you don’t have any riff-raff that need excluding. Grin

Allthebestnamesareused · 09/10/2017 14:14

My guess is that now you have responded as you have (hopefully to the whole group) there'll be a number of other people all in the same boat and at some point someone (perhaps Alpha Mum Class Rep herself) will suggest an alternative cheaper, local option.

However, be prepared for a group to hold you out as the "hero" and they'll egg you on to be the Others Group Leader!

TizzyDongue · 09/10/2017 14:15

an evening out like this would be more suited to a special occasion with my DH or DM - so for a special birthday or wedding anniversary.
Yes exactly. I thought the same about the wine bar (well except wine bars aren't something that interests me greatly, hence the clulessness!!)

nauticant · 09/10/2017 14:16

Spudlet is right. Some parents might have been shagging to celebrate a particularly successful Nabucco at the opera house while others might have just struck it lucky with a scratchcard.

Flashinggreen · 09/10/2017 14:18

My thoughts like you OP would be somewhere special is to be enjoyed with someone you're a lot closer to, not a load of school mums.

I think your reply was good, you were expecting something a bit more low key and being honest about that now let's the others know where the land lies for you.

RandomlyGenerated · 09/10/2017 14:24

The CraicDealer Maybe she’s tied to the kids and this was her one chance to get sloshed in a Michelin starred restaurant and have to get peeled off the floor by her companions.

Lordy - that reminds me of a primary school mum's night out down the local pub / restaurant where the Alpha Mum (recently divorced) got pissed and spent most of the evening trying to get off with unsuitable men at the bar in full view of the rest of us. It was like watching a car crash in slow motion.

catgirl1976 · 09/10/2017 15:48

I could afford to spend £100 on one meal if I so desired. But like PPs have said, it would be a special meal with DH to celebrate something. Not a mums night out with a load of randomers. And not just before Christmas. I could never "afford" that - I might have the £100 to spare but not on that. I couldn't justify it. I don't think you need to worry about what people think by saying you can't afford it. I wouldn't expect anyone to afford that for a night out with random people.

If I went I'd be worried about the drinks bill too - what if some mums start ordering Krug and then insist we all split the bill equally. I'd spend the whole night mentally totting up the drinks bill, fainting and wishing I was there with just DH to enjoy it.

I like your response - I bet no one else goes for the same reasons, except perhaps one or two loaded mums who want to suck up to Alpha Mum.

Orlandointhewilderness · 09/10/2017 16:50

As stated above, my DD is at prep. I COULD afford to go for a meal like this, but tbh near Christmas belts are tightened and I couldn't justify spending it on an evening with people I barely know!

squeaver · 09/10/2017 17:06

Large group, two weeks before Christmas, central London - I wonder if she's had to pay a deposit?

Original poster
nonwonderwoman · 09/10/2017 17:30

Either the penny has dropped or my cheeky AIBU post has been noticed... I've since (and the rest of class) received a message from the class rep that if there are issues with the choice of venue for any reason we should contact her directly (and give honest reasons!).
Followed by a long spiel about how it is really the best restaurant to go to, we should think outside the box and all of the other school mums' from other year groups go there. Ha! Still fancy tapas and a G&T...

OP posts:
Spudlet · 09/10/2017 17:33

My god, I think she may be Capable Louise (ala Hurrah for Gin). Shock

'Think outside the box' - ok, if you're paying love...

WipsGlitter · 09/10/2017 17:37

Does she already have kids in the school?

Leeds2 · 09/10/2017 17:42

Get your DH to organise a dads' night out at the local pub, and see if it has more takers!

pallisers · 09/10/2017 17:51

Write back to the entire group saying "that is far too expensive for a night out with preschool friends for me so won't be going - thanks"

People will be grateful you were the first to say it.

I don't get the fear of talking about money. My kids went to a private elementary/middle school with very serious money and the very well-off were the first to say "that is way too much to spend on xyz"

WineAndTiramisu · 09/10/2017 17:51

That sounds ridiculous, it's not even £100, you'll be looking more like £200 with transport, drinks and coffee etc, and whilst I'd have no problem spending that on a special meal out with DP, I wouldn't on a Christmas bash with people I don't really know!

CoveredInFondant · 09/10/2017 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Djchickpea · 09/10/2017 18:25

Weird. Surely "thinking outside the box" would mean doing something different from all the other year group mums? Be original and go to the pub!!

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