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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend too busy to get me a birthday card....

66 replies

AmandaS19771 · 08/10/2017 14:45

My boyfriend and I had been seeing each other for 6 months. Long story but a few weeks ago we split up and had started to see each other again after spending 3 weeks apart. It was my birthday last week and he said he wanted to see me and take me out for my birthday. He booked a restaurant and arranged to have a Happy Birthday message on my dessert plate. I don't know if I am being unfair but he said he had been too busy with work to buy me a card or a present. I didn't really expect a present but when I got home I thought
...what ? Too busy to even get your girlfriend a birthday card. Even though we had split up we had been constantly in touch with him telling me he missed me. Yesterday I told him I was hurt that he had been too busy to buy me a card and he said that it was a shame that I 'chose to focus on the negative rather than us having a nice night. He is a Doctor so i know he has had a lot on with work. Do you think I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/10/2017 14:48

When people tell you who they are, listen to them. He's showing you that cards and presents aren't a big deal to him, if they are to you, you need to move on.

Mxyzptlk · 08/10/2017 14:48

I think he just focused on the nice outing and thought "job done".
I'd let him off with it, tbh.

Guiltypleasures001 · 08/10/2017 14:51

He's had 364 other days to buy one, bollox to the excuse, start as you mean to go on
It's the little things that count, grandstanding is for his benefit

FenceSitter01 · 08/10/2017 14:52

Can you run it by me again why you get taken out for a nice meal, spend time with someone you presumably enjoy the company of and apparently need a piece of card with 'happy birthday' inscribed, pushed over the table for you to read when he can open his mouth and say the same thing? Not withstanding he had the same greeting artistically inscribed upon a plate.

Crunchymum · 08/10/2017 14:53

Wasn't dinner your present?

I can't get worked up about no card as I'm not a card person, I guess of you are then your DP should know that?

GhoulsFold · 08/10/2017 14:53

He booked a restaurant and arranged to have a Happy Birthday message on my dessert plate.

That's really thoughtful and romantic. If he'd done absolutely nothing for your birthday whatsoever then I'd say yanbu. But I agree with your DP in this scenario. You're focussing on something rather unimportant imo

Trills · 08/10/2017 14:55

He wasn't too busy to get you a card. He just didn't think it was important to get one.

RacingRaccoons · 08/10/2017 14:55

Yabu. He made an effort and took you out for a nice meal!

LovelyPrep · 08/10/2017 14:56

When people tell you who they are, listen to them.

He's telling you he's a nice guy that puts the effort in to plan a meal to celebrate your birthday with a thoughtful touch. He forgot a piece of card with your name on it.
I'm baffled that this is a problem.

Toomanypackingboxes · 08/10/2017 14:57

He had given you a gift of a meal and a birthday message on a plate, it's okay if you also want the traditional card and physical gift but it doesn't look like you are going to get these from your DP. If this matters to you and not to him this could be an issue over time. My DH is really good at cards and gifts, I am pretty rubbish, thankfully he is able to look at the way I behave towards him during the whole year not just a couple of days.

PinkHeart5914 · 08/10/2017 14:58

So he takes you out for dinner and has happy birthday written on your dessert plate and your sulking becuase you go no card or presents Confused

You’ve been together just over 6 months and I think in such a short relationship a meal out is more than enough tbh

Guiltypleasures001 · 08/10/2017 14:58

If he managed to do all that 😒 he is most definitely organised enough for a card

Kailoer · 08/10/2017 14:59

He doesn't see cards as important. Neither do I. Especially when he arranged such a nice night together.

Either tell him "this might not be important but it is to me" (as mad as I think you are) or accept the incompatability or move on

I think you're just doing birthday as a tick box attitude personally

BrutusMcDogface · 08/10/2017 14:59

Oh yab so unreasonable. I know cards are important to some people but seriously. He took you out to dinner and had the happy birthday message written on your plate. I think you're being very precious.

titchy · 08/10/2017 15:00

His reaction to you saying you were disappointed is telling. Rather than acknowledge your disappointment and try to understand that cards are something people often like to have to have a visible reminder of someone thinking of them, he chose to blame you for being negative. If he's normally understanding and cares and tries to understand and respect your POV, then forgive and move on. If he isn't bin him.

Trills · 08/10/2017 15:00

Something very helpful about MN is that it puts you in touch with people who have different opinions.

You started this thread thinking everyone knows that cards are important, no card = no love

Now you know that some people think cards are important and some people think cards are not important.

The question is, does your boyfriend know which kind you are?

If he knows that you think cards are important, then he's been thoughtless to not get you a card (it doesn't matter if he thinks they're unimportant, it's the recipient's opinion that matters here).

If he doesn't know that you think cards are important, then he is entirely blameless.

Tilapia · 08/10/2017 15:00

Cards and presents aren’t a big deal to me and I would be happy with the meal out. We’re all different though, if this is a problem for you then make it clear to him so he doesn’t make the same mistake at Xmas!

KurriKurri · 08/10/2017 15:01

He didn;t foget or ignore your birthday - he arranged a meal and a borthdya message. He just didn't do the thing that you have focussed on - the card. There's no rule that says a card is essential, he did the meal and message instead.
I tend to agree with him (and I am usually fisrt to call out the selfish arse men) he did nice thing, you didn;t appreciate it.

He hasn't had 364 days to get a card - they've only been going out 6 months.

I think you might be heading for another break - sorry - he's probably thinking he can't do right for doing wrong.

Auburn2001 · 08/10/2017 15:02

The Happy Birthday message on your plate was the equivalent of a card. If this bothers you then you and he might not be as compatible as you thought. Probably best to think about this now than further down the line.

bianglala · 08/10/2017 15:04

Ditch him so he's free to find someone who's not a drama queen.

ChelleDawg2020 · 08/10/2017 15:07

Ditch him. The argument is not that the meal was a gift and the "Happy Birthday" message was to make up for the lack of the card, it is that he specifically told you he was "too busy" to bother getting those things.

Assuming you don't live in the middle of nowhere it is highly likely that there is some kind of supermarket, petrol station or newsagent nearby. Even if there isn't, there's always Moonpig etc. If he can't find two minutes to buy a card for you, don't spend another minute with him.

Original poster
AmandaS19771 · 08/10/2017 15:08

The first thing he said to be was 'i haven't got you a card or a present' so by saying that he knew it was important. He gets his friends cards and gifts. When I mentioned it the day afterwards he said he had got me a card but had forgotten it. I am not bothered about the actually present or a physical piece of card. It is about someone taking the time pre a dinner.

OP posts:
Ofalltheginjoints · 08/10/2017 15:10

Cards are important to me but my DP feels differently, I spent time last Christmas looking for a card he would like and that was thoughtful, he forgot to get me a Christmas card at all.
Does that mean he doesn't love me? Nope but I was initially a little bit disappointed and had expected one if I'm honest (though that's my problem and not his)

Have you explained to him that cards are important to you? Might be worth having that chat and seeing if things can change, everyone has different likes and dislikes but this year for my birthday the meal was part of my present I don't think there's anything wrong with that

scottishdiem · 08/10/2017 15:11

So when you complained about the lack of a card did you in any way express thanks for the effort that he did put in? You seem to value a overpriced bit of card from Poundland than him contacting the restaurant and arranging the plate message.

You are perhaps both incompatible here. You want a card and he wants to be more thoughtful with his romance. He needs someone to that can come up to his level and you need someone to come down to yours.

toocool4cats · 08/10/2017 15:11

So here we have a difference of opinion on what is an acceptable birthday gift. Im of the opinion that as long as he remembers your birthday it doesn’t really matter what the gift is. It really is the thought that counts