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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend too busy to get me a birthday card....

66 replies

AmandaS19771 · 08/10/2017 14:45

My boyfriend and I had been seeing each other for 6 months. Long story but a few weeks ago we split up and had started to see each other again after spending 3 weeks apart. It was my birthday last week and he said he wanted to see me and take me out for my birthday. He booked a restaurant and arranged to have a Happy Birthday message on my dessert plate. I don't know if I am being unfair but he said he had been too busy with work to buy me a card or a present. I didn't really expect a present but when I got home I thought
...what ? Too busy to even get your girlfriend a birthday card. Even though we had split up we had been constantly in touch with him telling me he missed me. Yesterday I told him I was hurt that he had been too busy to buy me a card and he said that it was a shame that I 'chose to focus on the negative rather than us having a nice night. He is a Doctor so i know he has had a lot on with work. Do you think I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 08/10/2017 15:11

FFS all these responses!

The poster who claims she can't remember her own birthdate when asked for it because it's so unimportant to her will be along in a minute.

In our society the done thing is to buy a card and a present for someone close to you. If they are also your significant other you would also take them out, or cook them, a nice dinner too.

Someone who does not do this at the start of the relationship, when they should be trying to impress, claiming that they are "too busy" is clearly signposting to the other person that they will always be a very low priority to them.

Nice meal - well he got to eat it as well, didn't he?

Arranged for a brthday message to be put on the dessert plate?
So couldn't write a card but could arrange for someone else to do so. Yeah nice gesture if you had a present and card too but instead of? Blimey . . .

And I am not a grabby type who wants loads of presents BTW. Something small and a nice card can be less than a tenner.

toocool4cats · 08/10/2017 15:12

And obviously your gift was the meal .

Original poster
AmandaS19771 · 08/10/2017 15:14

Yes precisely. He also said he was going to buy me flowers but thought I wouldn't want to carry them around. I am not materialistic or a drama queen but for your boyfriend to say he had been too busy is really hurtful. It is not about the receiving of anything,

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 08/10/2017 15:16

But he benefited from the meal just as much as she did! And how long did it take him to say, "It's for her birthday" and then the staff sorted out that bit.

This guy buys for his friends but not for you. Don't get carried away with the fact he's a doctor - he's not treating you as you want to be treated.

category12 · 08/10/2017 15:16

Why did you split up?

Justaboy · 08/10/2017 15:17

I've sometimes moved heaven and earth to help with woman was with at the time.

However sometimes I to have forgotten cards and the like BUT that doesn't mean I thought any the less of anyone.

If a card is that important to you then get rid, if not then this man, does he have some other worthwhile attributes?.

honeyroar · 08/10/2017 15:21

I'd be a bit unimpressed too, I like a card as it can be kept and treasured. Writing on a plate can't. But at least he did something, he did think of you, it wasn't forgotten.

I'd let it go this time. He now knows what is important to you, so what he does next time is going to be telling.

NoKidsTwoCats · 08/10/2017 15:22

Looks like I'm going to be in a minority here when I say I would be upset if my partner didn't get me a card. To others I appreciate it's not important and that's fair enough, but I guess you need to work out if you're OK with that. If you are, great. If you're not OK with not getting a card (or if he can't accept it's important to you and get one), maybe you're just not compatible.

I find his choice of words interesting. He didn't get you one because he's 'too busy' - that's bullshit, he must've been to a petrol station or supermarket (or ordered food online) in the past few weeks so could have picked one up then. Personally, the bullshit 'too busy' excuse would have bothered me more than not getting a card. Why didn't he just say 'cards aren't important to me' - this would be fair enough.

HotelEuphoria · 08/10/2017 15:24

YANBU, me and DH only do cards on birthdays, but for him to say he was too busy would be unforgiveable.

24 hour Tesco's are two a penny and shit though they may be, most hospitals have a little shop in them that sell CARDS.

Original poster
AmandaS19771 · 08/10/2017 15:27

We split up because even though he is a good person, he can also be really tight. He said he wanted to take me away for a romantic weekend and I then ended up paying for more than half of it, he chose to buy me a second hand book on Amazon instead of a new one. He booked another weekend away and then told me if I wanted to go then I should book my own flight. I do not expect a man to always pay. I am generous with my friends if I am in a position to be. The birthday issue is just the final straw.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 08/10/2017 15:27

Sounds like he’s not that into you.

He knew you would want a card and (small) gift in addition to dinner.

Arranging a happy birthday message at a restaurant requires zero effort on his part, is done when booking.

Crunchymum · 08/10/2017 15:28

I still don't see the big deal? Someone didn't have the time to go out and get a card / gift but arranged dinner instead.

The guy us a doctor so I actually believe he didn't have time to go out for a card!!

What is your issue OP? That he was too busy? But he wasn't too busy to take you out was he? He didn't miss your birthday completely.

Loopytiles · 08/10/2017 15:29

Drip feeding.

He’s not U to want to split the cost of trips away. You’ve not been dating long.

JoJoSM2 · 08/10/2017 15:29

I once had an ex who didn't get me a Christmas present. But he did provide a lovely Christmas lunch so surely that made up for it.... Hmm Not.

To be honest, I don't think I'd want to go out with someone treating me like that. DH is an extremely busy person but has already been fishing for bday present ideas (4 months in advance). And there's always a card, a bunch of flowers, a present and a nice time spent together on the day.

PS The loser of a boyfriend who didn't get me a Christmas present got ditched soon after.

category12 · 08/10/2017 15:30

So why did you take him back? Did he makes promises? Doesn't look like he has changed his tight ways.

JoJoSM2 · 08/10/2017 15:31

On the trips away front, they are a major expense so I'd expect to discuss and agree the arrangements and costs together. And definitely wouldn't expect for a new boyfriend to cover the cost.

BalloonSlayer · 08/10/2017 15:32

Ah so he's a tightarse as well.

Thought he would take you for a meal (which HE would eat half of) and that would be your present Ker-ching! Money saved!, and get the restaurant staff to write "Happy Birthday" in icing, or whatever on your plate, and that would be your card Ker-ching! Money saved! He thinks he has sorted your birthday present and card all in one meal out that you probably would have gone out for anyway.

Crunchymum · 08/10/2017 15:33

You sound quite grabby OP.

How much more than half did you pay for the first weekend? Why shouldn't you contribute by paying for your own flights for the second weekend? And the book, jeez!!!

You dumped him for being tight but none of your examples show him as being tight in my eyes? Maybe he should have asked if you were happy to pay for flights before he booked the second weekend but that is about the only issue I can see?

Loopytiles · 08/10/2017 15:34

It’s not tight to want to split the cost of a weekend away with a new gf.

It IS tight (and lazy) IMO to buy no bday card or gift. Those can be bought easily and cheaply.

Wauden · 08/10/2017 15:34

I am on the fence about this one. I think I would be upset too, despite the nice meal and dessert gesture. As a romantic, the latter I would love. But in our culture it is standard to give and receive cards. If he works in a hospital there would be a card shop etc but if he is a GP... I don't know. I think he knows its expected, panicked a bit and thought the dessert was the card...
Why did you split up for a while?

ChicRock · 08/10/2017 15:34

This wouldn't fly with me.

We do a card, present(s) and a meal out.

So he went to aaaaallllllllll the effort of saying to a waiter "hey mate, get someone to stick happy birthday on her dessert would you?".

Whoop de fucking doo.

"Didn't have time" is just the shittest excuse. At least if he said "I don't do cards" I'd have a little bit of respect for him but nah, he just couldn't be arsed.

NoKidsTwoCats · 08/10/2017 15:35

Agree with loopytiles

Original poster
AmandaS19771 · 08/10/2017 15:40

If I invited someone away I would cover the cost because .... I invited them. I wouldn't expect them to pay for half of it and even if they offered I would not accept.

OP posts:
Wauden · 08/10/2017 15:41

About the 'taking you away' for the weekend, did he really say that or did you misunderstand, by any chance? I get that if you had thought he was to pay for your flight then it turns out you had to, that would be a big deal.

I would not expect a bf to pay for my flights, though. Some meals, yes.

Winebottle · 08/10/2017 15:44

I don't like cards. Birthday and Christmas cards, which are just a matter of routine bore me. You go to the shop, buy it, write the same message you write every time and then give it to them. It is meaningless especially when it is someone close to you who you have said happy birthday to anyway.

The only time I like receiving a card is if it genuinely wasn't expected and contains a heartfelt message such as a get well soon card. My mum can stick my annual birthday card in the bin for all I care.

You can say it is a small thing and meaningful to you so he should do it but he wasn't to know that.

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