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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend too busy to get me a birthday card....

66 replies

AmandaS19771 · 08/10/2017 14:45

My boyfriend and I had been seeing each other for 6 months. Long story but a few weeks ago we split up and had started to see each other again after spending 3 weeks apart. It was my birthday last week and he said he wanted to see me and take me out for my birthday. He booked a restaurant and arranged to have a Happy Birthday message on my dessert plate. I don't know if I am being unfair but he said he had been too busy with work to buy me a card or a present. I didn't really expect a present but when I got home I thought
...what ? Too busy to even get your girlfriend a birthday card. Even though we had split up we had been constantly in touch with him telling me he missed me. Yesterday I told him I was hurt that he had been too busy to buy me a card and he said that it was a shame that I 'chose to focus on the negative rather than us having a nice night. He is a Doctor so i know he has had a lot on with work. Do you think I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Original poster

AmandaS19771 · 08/10/2017 15:46

The fact is. Despite him being lovely. He is tight. And I am not. The birthday is the final issue for me. He always finds time to do the things he wants to do so yes his excuse of being 'too busy' really hurt me. Thanks for your comments which has confirmed that I am right to end it... again. We are not compatible.

OP posts:

StillSmallVoice · 08/10/2017 15:49

I think you are right. You are not compatible.

Loopytiles · 08/10/2017 15:51

You know him in RL and have deemed him tight and unwilling to make time for you. Early days, ending it sounds like the right decision for you.

SilentlyScreamingAgain · 08/10/2017 15:52

I don't really like cards, they are just clutter. I'm also mean enough to be slightly offended by paying €3 for a bit of preprinted card.

My missus takes a different view, so I buy her the big one with glitter on that costs €5 because that's what you do, isn't it?

picklemepopcorn · 08/10/2017 15:55

You aren't compatible. However, I'd be thrilled if a bloke did this, rather than scrawling in a supermarket card and buying a present from the Amazon sale DH I'm looking at you.
He booked a restaurant, made a special arrangement, and was actually there on the right day. Pretty good!

Briette · 08/10/2017 15:56

My DP and I have never bought one another cards for any reason in over a decade of marriage. But it doesn't bother us and we communicate. You're clearly not compatible, sadly.

Tainbri · 08/10/2017 15:58

On the surface of it, it sounds like yabu, since he's put thought and effort into the meal but it all depends on how it fits into the bigger picture really and why you've been going through a rocky patch to begin with. Maybe he does work long hours and can't put the time into the relationship that you feel you need him to. Think you need to focus on the relationship generally more than the lack of card.

holdthewine · 08/10/2017 17:59

If the root is mean-ness that’s something I couldn’t live with. If he is a junior doctor. however, working insane hours for not very much then taking you out for dinner and getting the inscription was thoughtful and generous.

Trills · 08/10/2017 18:15

"always finds time to do the things he wants to do" - yep, that's familiar.

Normalserviceissuspended · 08/10/2017 18:24

Maybe he comes from a family that don't do cards? We don't and I cant imagine either my children buying anyone a card.

I just think they are a waste of money. I never display them. I open the post by the bin, read them and they go straight in.

coconuttella · 08/10/2017 20:50

I'm not especially fussed about cards... nice to get but not worried if I don't.... However, my, or his, preferences are irrelevant here.

Your ex-bf may not be fussed about cards.... but he didn't know how you felt them. If he was considerate and thoughtful, he'd have realised that many people do like cards, and (given that you two hadn't discussed it previously) that you may well be one of them. And if he was serious about trying to please you (which if he isn't at 6 months in, he'll never be!), he'd have got you a card!

The fact he assumes you will just like the things he likes, and not be bothered by things you're not bothered about, is self-centred.

coconuttella · 08/10/2017 20:56

Sorry, what I meant was:

"The fact he assumes you will just like the things he likes, and you will not be bothered by things he's not bothered about, is self-centred."

SilverySurfer · 08/10/2017 21:09

I don't understand this as in the grand scheme of things a birthday card is insignificant and surely taking you out to dinner was his gift to you.

As far as expecting you to pay your half of the cost, I disagree with you OP. Why on earth would you not pay your share? The relationship is still new and you sound a bit entitled to me.

Lesley1980 · 08/10/2017 21:54

I get you. He said he was too busy to get you a card. Buying a card takes time & you are hurt he couldn't spare you the minutes buying you a card. Your birthday is the same day every year, he is surrounded by supermarkets, shops & even moon pig would have posted one in 2 days.

It takes seconds to book a restaurant & tell someone to write happy birthday on a plate. It's a nice gift but not much effort really. In all honesty he could have completely forgotten her birthday & booked it last minute in the car.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 08/10/2017 22:01

I'm not a card person, and I'm not really a birthday person either. But I do think that six months in, having just got back together, he would have made an effort. He could have bought something on Prime for gods sake and used moonpig for a card if he didn't have time to go out!

(Still annoyed mun brother didn't even text me on my birthday, and he's known me much longer than six months!)

Lexieblue · 08/10/2017 22:29

I love receiving cards from DH but he writes the loveliest things in them. I wouldn't mind if he didn't get me a card or present though as long as he didn't completely forget. When we first got married we hardly ever bought each other gifts because we couldn't afford it!

I suppose OP it's about expectations, and is they're mismatched the relationship won't work. Ie. You expected a card and/or gift from your boyfriend on your birthday. Your boyfriend expected treating you to a meal and spending time with you to be enough.

No criticism of either but it's these fundamental views on things that decide on whether the relationship will work imo

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