To ask the worst funeral behaviour you've seen?

[Fishface77]

I went to a funeral today.
open coffin at home.
People were filing past the coffin to pay their respects when someone decided they wanted to get to the crem in a hurry.
Cue pushing and shoving and the coffin almost fell of the stand. Saved by the mans wife!
Also random women wailing. Seriously no
Need.

A friend died recently in his early forties, leaving a wife and small children behind. He was always a very private person and he was very reticent about letting anyone - even his wife and parents - know how ill he was, so that his sudden decline and death came as a shock to nearly everyone. At the funeral reception (which I now know not to call a "wake", thanks MNers) the partner of one of his childhood friends decided to take the widow to task for "keeping his illness a secret".

Which reminds me, as do some of the other stories here, of the "ring theory" of dealing sensitively with the grief of others, which is basically common sense and says that you only ask for comfort from those people less directly affected than you are by a traumatic event, and you offer it to people more directly affected (or: "comfort in, dump out"). I wish this woman - and lots of others mentioned upthread - had heeded that rule.

Reanimated good luck to you, this thread is proof that the world needs good funeral directors! But maybe don't use your Mumsnet name professionally .

My DSis died a few years ago after a sudden, short illness in her 30's. We had both been NC with our mother for years before that as she was a spiteful, hideous, vile excuse of a human being. She was / is also an alcoholic.

We lived 200 miles away for from her but she came up for the funeral (which I arranged and paid for). She was dressed completely inappropriately too.

My DSis's best friend was gay. At the end of the wake my mother announced she wanted to go clubbing down the gay Village in my Dsis's memory (DSis wasn't even gay!) and tried to get my DSis's friend to go with her and my other sister. Best friend made his excuses and went home which she was really pissed off about.

I could fill a Stately Home thread with her behaviour over the years. Unsurprising, I'm still NC with her.

Not funeral exactly but a friend lost her young husband in very tragic circumstances and she was left with young children and was a SAHM therefore no income. They had no life insurance so everything in combination was very difficult. Friend was an absolute rock though and at the gathering after the funeral said that she just couldn't believe it, felt very empty and lonely and just couldn't really process that he wasn't coming back. A woman spoke out and said that she completely understood as Ronnie from Eastenders lost his wife (in a swimming pool?) and you could see the grief on his face, and she looked the same. She spent about 10 minutes going into the storyline in great detail and comparing the situation. To make matters even worse she said she could relate to the loneliness as her husband watched TV upstairs rather than spend time with her, so she knew all about the lonely and empty feelings. Everyone just stood there with a look.

We sell eggs outside our front door. I had regular customers who picked up on certain days of the week. When my Mum died and we planned the funeral, I gave a note to all of my Friday customers that I would not be doing eggs that Friday as it was my Mum's funeral, but they could pick up the next day.

On the way to the Crem, sitting in the back of the car while our family were trying to keep it together, my mobile goes off. It was a particular customer who couldn't understand why I hadn't put her order out. It was quite upsetting at the time to have to deal with, and afterwards I was quite cross that she had been so insensitive.

When we got to the point of fewer eggs and I needed to get rid of a couple of customers, she was the first I 'culled'.

Not bad behaviour, but at my aunt's funeral, they couldn't close the lid of the coffin!

We were at the removal in the funeral home, loads of people did the usual filing past the open coffin and sympathising (Irish funeral so open coffin is the norm). Once that had finished, they pulled the curtains so only family were in the section with the coffin and went to put the lid on.

They put the lid on and then went to screw it in but it was obviously slightly warped as when they shoved down one corner, the opposite one popped up! I couldn't look at my sister as we would both have collapsed laughing (my aunt was quite nasty so we weren't close and weren't particularly grieving). You could see my father itching to go in and thump the lid down (bear in mind there was only a curtain separating us from the people waiting to go on to the church so loud thumps would have been very inappropriate) while my other aunt, who doesn't deal with sickness, death etc very well was getting more and more agitated. I ended up taking her outside while two men practically sat on the lid to get it closed.

MrsGoToBed, we have been victims of the back-to-back conveyor belt funerals. At DH's stepfather's funeral, my DSIL was barely halfway through the eulogy when the celebrant whispered to DH that we had to finish in 2 mins. Sure enough, 2 mins later, she marched up to the front, pressed the button to close the curtain around the coffin and spoke over DSIL, "That's it, you've had your time, you need to leave now." and ushered us out through the back door. DH, his mum (deceased's widow) and sisters were in bits as I tried to explain that we hadn't finished the eulogy and that the only person who was yet to speak was his wife!

Celebrant just shrugged and said, "Sorry, you have to go. I've got another lot waiting outside to come in and they're grieving."

DMIL did her reading at the wake/reception but it was a 45 minute drive away (rural location) and it was a poem addressed to her DH so it just felt utterly wrong.
I have never known anything like it and now always check what the time limit is when I'm involved in funeral planning. It would never have crossed my mind that is have to.

I don't think it's anybody's business to judge funeral behaviour.

How about doing coke in the toilets? Saw this at a funeral following a suicide. The parents of the deceased went home nearly hysterical.

@NeopreneMermaid it may sound harsh but a crem is not a place for long services unless you book a double slot. At my crem you have 30 minutes that’s 10 minutes to go in 20 minute service then 10 minutes to go back out.

The celebrant was extremely rude but crematoria have to keep to the times and should encourage people to have a church service or have the cremation then have a memorial service elsewhere.

I was frankly grateful for the speed of my mothers cremation. A lot of posturing and shit going on underneath the facade of all being well. 30 minutes was enough.

I feel shit saying that but a church service would have notched up the tension beyond endurance.

If you're having a crematorium only service, you should always give the officiant a copy of anything that will be said in a service so that they can time it properly and make sure it all fits within the time constraints.

Thanks @Ilovekermit. This was 10 years ago and the first funeral we'd had to organise (also the first we'd been to for a long time). We'd also taken the suggestion of an aunt to have a "pause for reflection" after each reading. The whole thing was just awful.

Does anyone remember the episode of Coupling called "The Giggle Loop"?

My own- trivial compared to some of these. I broke down at a friend's funeral, and someone handed me the first thing to hand...a half roll of toilet paper.

I only went and dropped it!

A loo roll, rolling towards the front of the church, almost in slow motion. I was mortified!

Thanks dutch, it really was excruciating.

The whole day was awful. I just wanted to leave but had to stay and socialise (in my pastel get up) as I was nominated as the designated driver for a friend.

She got totally drunk and embarrassing at the reception and we were last to leave. I then had to drive her from a place I didn't know to another place I hadn't been to, as a just-passed driver. She was meant to direct me but fell into a snoring drunken sleep (this was before sat nav) and then our motorway was closed so I had to do a 50 mile detour.

By the time I finally dropped her off in the early hours, I realised I had a stomach bug and spent the night on her en suite floor with d&v - still in my sodding pastel clothes.

I would say that it was one of the worst days of my life, but we had just come from a child's funeral which kicked my self-pity into touch.

MIL refused to come to our baby's funeral because she "doesn't like things like that".

Um.. okay. Yeah. Well we had a fucking blast. Thanks MIL, your son really appreciated the support.
FIL didn't come either because he too doesn't like going out. He'll go out and about on his own, will talk to anyone and is sociable when HE wants to be but it wasn't even a consideration that he'd get out of his slippers to come support his son on the worst day of our lives.
I'm actually glad they didn't come but it hurts me to think my husband only had me and his in-laws.

One of the things I do know about funerals is you have to stick to your time slot. That celebrant handled it very badly, though. The first funeral I did, I had the discussion with the family about how many people would be speaking/doing readings and immediately thought, oops, that's long, and got on to the crem to ask if it was possible to book a double slot. It wasn't, so I pared my 'officiant' talking down to the absolute bone and gently guided a couple of the speakers to shorten their speeches... and spent the whole ceremony sneaking looks at the clock and panicking and hoping I would not have to actually stop anyone mid-speech. (We did get it done in time. Just.)

Also, TBH, 20-25 minutes is about the 'right' length of time. Religious funerals may vary (I don't know enough about religious funerals) but if the ceremony goes on and on, people start losing focus/wanting the loo/the distress just becomes unbearable. Though there's also such a thing as making it too short, which leaves everyone feeling a bit cheated.

I was working at a well known football club. Everything had to stop for a funeral, the deceased ashes were scattered on the pitch with all the family watching. They left and a huge lawn mower came out and they proceeded to cut the pitch!

*Missphilly88
*
Did you explain why you were taking photos? i can understand your reasoning but you should have explained and asked if anyone objected. Funerals aren’t a place for photography unless people have given their consent.

So yes, you may have been judged.

Friend of the family turned up in jeans n tshirt to my dads funeral or was it traccy bottoms, can’t properly remember cos
I saw n was like ok n concentrating on myself getting through the day as it was difficult saying goodbye

I'd only care what people wear tbh, them showing up is enough imo ,my dh would disagree though.

Obviously nothing as short as I described in my early post though- but that was outrageous

The only reason my brother's clothing pissed me off at Mum’s funeral was that my dad had given him money to get a new suit and he wasted it all and turned up in a filthy, scratty bomber jacket to be a pallbearer. Anyone else wouldn’t have bothered me at all. In fact my best friend followed the “bright colours” request by wearing bright yellow heels and a bright pink dress. I loved her for it.

Oh that's shit

No, clothing does matter. You don't need to be in anything expensive or flash, but it is not appropriate to attend a funeral in attention-grabbing attire, or something that suggests you view it on a par with doing the gardening. Black trousers and a dark shirt are absolutely fine. Miniskirts with heels and fishnets, paint splattered scruffy jeans and shirts with obscenities on them are not appropriate.

(Obviously this is the point where people jump to tell me they dressed this way for the funeral of a painter-decorator, punk rock musician or Rocky Horror Show extra and it was absolutely fine, but you know what I mean.)

Miniskirts with heels and fishnets you were at the same funeral as me then and saw my relative dressed like that?!

Except no fishnets so we could really get a proper full view