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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Harvey Weinstein

993 replies

caperberries · 06/10/2017 09:17

Rumours have been circulating about this disgusting man and his sleazy casting couch for years... He has offered a half-hearted apology, but seems rather smug about the fact that his family are supporting him.

AIBU to think his wife is misguided? What sort of example is she setting to her daughter? After all, this isn't a one-off - it is a pattern of serious abuse of women over decades.

www.nytimes.com/2017/10/05/us/harvey-weinstein-harassment-allegations.html

OP posts:
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HelenaDove · 12/10/2017 23:37

Sorry that should be 56 year old family friend.

UpnAbout · 12/10/2017 23:37

i don't think abuse is a badge of honour. god i want my kids to be spared but i almost don't know if they will, do i have to warn them? is it still the case? they are so young i don't acknowledge this shit to them, when do i tell them that this abuse is on the cards? I keep them away from the dodgely uncle. ( no alone time or touch time or time without me watching him) when do i tell them. when do you say to a little girl that she needs to watch out?

limitedperiodonly · 12/10/2017 23:38

That's why I hate those women who go on about how their husbands jealously guard the 'virtue' of their teenage daughters against boys.

It's not the concern of a loving parent. It's the fear of an old lion toward a new one. Nothing to do with care for a child

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 12/10/2017 23:39

@UpnAbout the NSPCC have an ‘underpants’ campaign about simplifying things for small children, basically telling them that no one should touch them wherever they have underpants. it’s very good and it’s the approach we’ve used with our 4yo www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/underwear-rule/

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 12/10/2017 23:44

YY limited
Wanker BIL shared this. He is such a good dad because he’s willing to shoot his 6yo DD’s future ex Hmm

The fact that he doesn’t actually pay for his child, or the fact that he’s abusive as hell to her mother, is irrelevant. He’s willing to KILL!

(Sorry I’ve gone a bit OT but this picture makes me rage.)

Harvey Weinstein
UpnAbout · 12/10/2017 23:51

Thanks Cherry, really grim when you actually think you hae identified an abuser in your famil, bu t others can't see it. Just like the hero worship of HW. it's like a 50/50 job, 50 shmoozing and looknng whiter than withe 50%abusing wtflyingf.
thanks for your post though pint taken it's a good way to start the chat x

placemark123 · 12/10/2017 23:51

Totally agree upn about - was just discussing with my dh the time I was sexually harassed by a director when I was in my twenties - I was young and attractive, like most twenty somethings, and I did feel it was somehow my fault just by being confident and single (I definitely never flirted with him, esp as even more awfully he was married but already having an affair with another director Shock). I dealt with it very 'maturely', i.e. I escaped from the immediate situation, then mentioned it to my bosses to make them aware but didn't report or escalate it, (basically minimised it and moved on) and thus a very senior guy didn't get shamed or have to be fired which would have been awkward for the company at that juncture. I then felt the full beam of approval for 'not making a fuss'. I 100% have been brought up to crave that approval of being a nice sensible girl who can handle anything so I lapped it up. I shouldn't have had to handle it! I should have been massively encouraged to escalate it! But people adored him; he was so 'funny' and 'roguish' and much more popular than me due to his intense charm and so I conformed to what was desired of me and buried it.

UpnAbout · 12/10/2017 23:55

agree limited -"hi it#s me - i'm yours, you own me" WTF

limitedperiodonly · 13/10/2017 00:01

Cherry I understand. It's shit when men do it. It's even shittier when women praise them for it. What kind of fuck ups are fathers who think they own their daughters and mothers to think that's admirable?

UpnAbout · 13/10/2017 00:02

placemaark 123 - classic tale. but you know now that you weren't the first? that shouln't make you feel bad - just part of the gang x it's actually mental. they are so charming those fin abusers you have to have a sense - which fortuenatley you do mow - the silver lining x

Swirlingasong · 13/10/2017 00:07

I think it's quite possible Emma Thompson didn't 'know' as in having enough actual factual knowledge to say anything. I encountered at least two, I'm fairly certain three predators in my late teens (in completely different contexts, I am not a Hollywood star! But nevertheless contexts in which the men had considerable power over younger people). I was not confident with men and assumed that the lack of attention they paid me was that I was not attractive enough. I knew they were flirtatious with other girls, I heard the odd 'off' comment but had I voiced concerns it would have amounted to nothing concrete, more a vibe of 'dodginess'. Where I could though, I advised others to be careful.

Looking back I realise these men were abusive and twenty years later have heard concrete stories from people I knew at the time but I genuinely did not know enough then, even though if you looked at the things I was doing, people I was with, you may well feel justified in saying I must have known, should have spoken out.

The reason is I think that these men are clever in their targets. I realise that these men had in common that they all knew that when I wanted to I would speak my mind and they knew that in each situation there was someone else who would believe me and also not be afraid to stand up. In other words they were not confident enough that they could manipulate me to say nothing so made sure there was nothing I could say.

Several years later, one of the men was sacked for his behaviour. I met someone at a party who told me about it and clearly thought I either would have 'known' something or been a victim. I remember telling him I personally had nothing concrete to go on but it didn't surprise me one bit.

UpnAbout · 13/10/2017 00:09

placemark - you know the score. you turned a blind eye a bit, ce la vie. you know he's an areshole and you are not. you were surrrounded by aresholes, but you were not and never will be one. young gil who was due care and protection.
in this time. You see the shit gong down all around and, the good thing is, to know you are not a bastard. you are not cruel. Take care of your family. take care of yourself. Don't let abusers in x

UpnAbout · 13/10/2017 00:16

swirlasong - well deflected. I think you were strong some of us had strenth eroded by our own family (my dad was a harsh man who decided to toughin me up) - we should be able to teach out daughters the tell tale signs so they never take in abusers. it should be taught in schools. Disclaimer - i love frozen and use it to teach kids men are not always what they seem

DeleteOrDecay · 13/10/2017 00:19

but if the first person had said something

She wouldn’t have been believed. She would have been shamed and her name sullied forever. Her career would have been over.

Please stop with this ‘the victims should have done this’ nonsense.

UpnAbout · 13/10/2017 00:21

deete - only someone who has nver been abused could say that

UpnAbout · 13/10/2017 00:23

you don't have to have been abused to know that victim shaming is shit

Swirlingasong · 13/10/2017 00:25

Up about, that is my point, these men can spot those who maybe didn't have the strong support I had, for which I feel very lucky, it could so easily have been different, I know. But much, much later, I realise that they manipulated me by excluding me from certain situations (sometimes utterly crushing to me at the time) so that I would not use the support I had to protect others.I'm just trying to point out that it's not always as simple as 's he did xyz so must have known'.

DeleteOrDecay · 13/10/2017 00:27

deete - only someone who has nver been abused could say that

Me? Why?

another20 · 13/10/2017 00:33

The victims cant say anything to their immediate community as often these individuals will not be impartial, often unable to handle it and will be motivated to minimise and bury it.....in the workplace, in families, in social/church/sports groups we have seen this for years. At least now with children there is a process where if they speak to a teacher that teacher is professionally bound to escalate a report. With adults companies and other organisations don't do this for adults. I think that there should be some sort of independent 3rd party intermediatary whistle blowing / reporting system where people could log rumours and victims incidents. This would allow both to feel that there was no comeback and an agency could act when frequent reports are logged. The police have ads at the moment to ask to report on seeing anything dodgy around modern day slavery and suspected terrorism.

UpnAbout · 13/10/2017 00:34

but if the first person had said something - only someone who has nver been abused could say that

it wasn't a dig at you x

DeleteOrDecay · 13/10/2017 00:35

That wasn’t me who said that, I was quoting another poster.

UpnAbout · 13/10/2017 00:35

sorry delte hope that's clear. off to bed x

DeleteOrDecay · 13/10/2017 00:36

Okay...

KrytensNanobots · 13/10/2017 00:49

but if the first person had said something

Oh, come ON. People have been saying something. They've never been believed though! As there's always someone out there ready to disbelieve, laugh off as "menz banter".

She wouldn’t have been believed. She would have been shamed and her name sullied forever. Her career would have been over.
Absolutely this. She'd have been disbelieved.