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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that friend invited them self to my house for tea?

57 replies

Whattodofirst · 04/10/2017 13:07

Hi
I know I probably am being unreasonable but I feel so overwhelmed I just need to let it out!
I've had a friend for many many years. We've eaten at each other house a handful of times, it's just not something we normally do. Anyway last week she text and asked if I was free if she popped in this evening - I said yes assuming "popped in" meant for a cuppa and a chat. Anyway she later text me with the time she would arrive and explained she was coming to my house to kill time whilst waiting to collect her partner from work. I then asked what time she would be collecting him and it turns out she will be here all evening from shortly after I get back from the school run until after my kids bedtime! Obviously this means I have to feed her but it's the middle of the week, I'm not really ready for house guests, everywhere is a mess, I'm worn out from juggling school runs, work and a teething toddler and now I have to entertain her all evening! My partner said I should have just said no but I had t realised that she'd be here so long! I know it's too late to change anything now I just wondered if I'm being unreasonable here? I just think it's really rude ro invite yourself round to someone else's house and expect tea mid week, I wouldn't mind so much on the weekend.

OP posts:

ThePinkOcelot · 04/10/2017 13:09

That's cheeky. I certainly wouldn't be cooking tea. She should bring something with her.

IamPickleRick · 04/10/2017 13:09

I think yabu for not offering anyway. You can always stretch a meal out to accommodate a friend. I cook dinner for friends in these circumstances quite regularly and they do for me.

Justmuddlingalong · 04/10/2017 13:10

Phone or text now and tell her it doesn't suit and you'll arrange a catch up at a better time. Do it now! She's taking the piss and if you don't say something, you'll be allowing it.

IamPickleRick · 04/10/2017 13:11

From what you've said she also hasn't asked for dinner and may well be bringing something with her. She'll be an extra pair of hands with the kids too.

NormHonal · 04/10/2017 13:11

Annoying!

There's nothing wrong with sending her a quick text saying "not had time to grab anything, any chance you can pick up a pizza or whatever you fancy eating on your way here please?"

Nikephorus · 04/10/2017 13:13

Just text & say that time doesn't work because you'll be doing the kids' tea but if she wants to bring a takeaway for you & her she can. You don't have to allow her to come.

annandale · 04/10/2017 13:14

Wouldn't it be nice to have another adult around? Ask her to make tea or at least bring some.

gunsandbanjos · 04/10/2017 13:17

Doesn’t sound like you really like her.
Sounds like she’s using you to kill some time.

2014newme · 04/10/2017 13:17

Just say it's not convenient surely

MyBrilliantDisguise · 04/10/2017 13:20

Just say no! Text back, "Oh that isn't a good idea. I'll be so busy and won't have time to talk to you. Let's make it another time." Just keep repeating if she doesn't accept it.

Zapdos · 04/10/2017 13:22

Is she definitely expecting to be fed?! I wouldn't be. But then DH and I don't eat until after our DC are in bed. If her partner is finishing work, surely the will be eating together afterwards?

CatsOclock · 04/10/2017 13:23

And... Breathe!!

None of what you're saying is that important. (Sorry, but it's true.)

OTOH, you've got an old friend who wants to come round and spend time with you. You can't buy things like that!

I know you're tired etc but just tell her that. Nicely. A good friend isn't going to mind a bit of mess or beans on toast. She's coming to see you and it doesn't happen every day.

A friend of mine has a phrase which always makes me smile, whilst still making a very good point: "Suck it up, Princess!"

TheEmmaDilemma · 04/10/2017 13:24

Is this likely to become a regular thing also?

HelpfulHermione · 04/10/2017 13:28

To give your friend the benefit of the doubt, perhaps she'll be eating later with her partner and assumed you'd be doing the same.

That aside, yes of course she's being rude! I wouldn't do that to my oldest bestest friend!

And of course it's not too late to say 'no'. "Pop in" is not staying all evening. She's changed the arrangements, not you. I'd simply text and say

"oh sorry, I thought you meant a quick cup of tea. In that case I can't do tonight - have loads of homework to get through with the DCs. Would love to have you over another evening though - let me know when you're free."

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2017 13:29

This wouldn’t bother me remotely, but clearly it does you.

She’s only coming to spend some time with you, she’s not expecting a gastronomic feast, and you you and the kids eating surely another plate of what you’re having isn’t too much?

Plus how messy can the rooms she will be in be? It’s just a quick tidy round in living room and kitchen.

coddiwomple · 04/10/2017 13:29

It depends on the friend. I am happy to have diner at 9 or 10, so if I was popping to see a friend first, I wouldn't expect any food. If I had a child with me, I would bring something for them.
Friends (or I) would offer, but I expect most people around me would decline. You can always call for a takeaway or defrost something.

KarateKitten · 04/10/2017 13:31

Gosh, people are so unfriendly these days. I guess the community really is dead.

My door is always open and I love anyone dropping by. I'd always manage to feed people too depending on the time of day. So I'm the context of how I live my life YABVU.

But it's your life and your friendships so YANBU to be unaccommodating as much as you like.

claraschu · 04/10/2017 13:34

I value having friends whom I feel comfortable enough with that I don't have to do anything to entertain or prepare for them. Such friends would play with the kids, eat whatever scraps are around (whether that's oatcakes and cheese, or a 3 course meal), and just enjoy hanging around.

I can't imagine having old friends on such formal terms.

Obviously you feel differently, but perhaps that is just a bit of anxiety or something, and when you think about it for a minute you could relax and just see how things go.

Luckyme2 · 04/10/2017 13:37

Another one here who wouldn't expect to be fed. What makes you think she expects it? I'd be eating with DH after picking him up. Unless she's planning on staying with you till about 10?

Original poster

Whattodofirst · 04/10/2017 13:46

Wow - thank you for all your replies, I didn't expect so many. I didn't mean to come across as unkind or unwelcoming to my friends, I've just been really thrown by this and it's sent me into a panic. I'm used to people coming over when I have more time to prepare and cook something nice etc so I was panicking about having to cook a nice meal etc but I take on board what you're saying, maybe I'm just over reacting and should either just say no or just let her come and join in on our normal family life? I'd never realised until now that I don't really do that with people - I always put on a "front" I guess. Anyway I'm rambling now... Thank you

OP posts:

SingingMySong · 04/10/2017 13:50

We eat after we've done bedtime. Maybe she's not expecting to be fed at all.

IamPickleRick · 04/10/2017 13:53

My friend comes once a week to sit and wait for her hubby. I just put on some extra sausages or do a bit more mash while she tidies my house and plays with my kids😂

backintown · 04/10/2017 13:53

Wouldn't bother me at all either (& we live in relative chaos!) I'd be happy to have any of my friends over whenever - real friends won't mind the mess, will pitch in/join in with whatever is happening & wouldn't necessarily expect to be fed. I'd love the chance to catch up & be happy they wanted to come & spend some time with me. I really can't imagine even thinking half the negative things on here or scrabbling for excuses, seems bizarre (& no I don't think she was being rude at all - she asked, you said yes YABU! Take a deep breath & look on the bright side!)

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2017 13:54

Just let her join in with normal family life. Have fun catching up with her

Only on planet mumsnet where not answering your door is seen as normal, is it also seen as cheeky and rude to pop in and spend the evening with your mate after asking politely before hand. Back here on planet earth, it’s fine.

Just make some extra of what you’re having and chill and have fun with catching up with her.

KarateKitten · 04/10/2017 13:54

OP just do your normal thing, nothing special for visitors in this situation. And relax and enjoy the bit of adult company.

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