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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that friend invited them self to my house for tea?

57 replies

Whattodofirst · 04/10/2017 13:07

Hi
I know I probably am being unreasonable but I feel so overwhelmed I just need to let it out!
I've had a friend for many many years. We've eaten at each other house a handful of times, it's just not something we normally do. Anyway last week she text and asked if I was free if she popped in this evening - I said yes assuming "popped in" meant for a cuppa and a chat. Anyway she later text me with the time she would arrive and explained she was coming to my house to kill time whilst waiting to collect her partner from work. I then asked what time she would be collecting him and it turns out she will be here all evening from shortly after I get back from the school run until after my kids bedtime! Obviously this means I have to feed her but it's the middle of the week, I'm not really ready for house guests, everywhere is a mess, I'm worn out from juggling school runs, work and a teething toddler and now I have to entertain her all evening! My partner said I should have just said no but I had t realised that she'd be here so long! I know it's too late to change anything now I just wondered if I'm being unreasonable here? I just think it's really rude ro invite yourself round to someone else's house and expect tea mid week, I wouldn't mind so much on the weekend.

OP posts:

BraveButShaking · 04/10/2017 13:55

"You're welcome to come. Take us how you find us...usual mid-week chaos".

A friend will muck in and help with your evening.

Granted, if I've invited friends over for dinner then I'll make an effort, but something casual like this, I think expectations from both sides are minimal.

Mix56 · 04/10/2017 13:55

won't you be eating? whats wrong with egg on toast, or bacon butties...
You didn't invite her, tell her to bring a bottle of wine & enjoy it

RiversrunWoodville · 04/10/2017 13:57

Iampicklerick if your friend needs somewhere to go another night in the week my door is open and there's plenty to tidy

youhavetobekidding · 04/10/2017 13:58

Wow, I'm surprised how many people think the friend is out of order. This is someone the OP has known for "many, many years". Surely OP can rustle up beans on toast or buy a pizza

claraschu · 04/10/2017 13:59

OP, you are the only one who knows whether you are comfortable with a less formal way of interacting with old friends. I think it's pretty cool of you to realise that you have a tendency to put on a little bit of a "front", and to even consider whether you would like to change that. Most people just say: "This is what I do", and don't really want to experiment.

Maybe you would feel more comfortable if you tell your friend that you are tired, messy, and don't have any exciting food in the house, but you are happy to have her come join in the chaos.

5rivers7hills · 04/10/2017 14:02

Christ on a bike no need to be so unfriendly towards you, um, friend.

Just clarify if she is wanting tea, and if she you can pick up some pizzas or something for the two of you or just let her know its 'kids tea' style!

No drama

Original poster

Whattodofirst · 04/10/2017 14:09

Thank you for your comments. I really want to apologise and say I really didn't mean to sound unfriendly, I have re read my post and all the comments many many times over in the last few mins and I do see why people are reacting the way they are. Not sure what to say.
Thank you Claraschu I really appreciate your kindness

OP posts:

Flippetydip · 04/10/2017 14:13

Whattodofirst seriously don't take to heart anything anyone ever says on Mumsnet and don't spending ages reading back through your comments to analyse things. People are way bitchier on here, I'm sure, I hope than they would be in real life.

I would imagine if your friend is picking up her partner from work they'll eat later. If you're happy to have her round, let her come and join in with the family chaos. If she hates it she won't do it again! You may enjoy the extra adult company at a stressful time of day.

SparklyMagpie · 04/10/2017 14:14

My mate will sometimes randomly pop by just to check im alright, he's been round when the house ( as usual) is an absolute bombsite, he'll bring me round a bottle of wine and he'll keep my son entertained or even sit with him whilst he eats his tea, sometimes Ive been in the "CBA" mood for it but we always end up having a good catch up an I end up feeling better for it. Just invite her round, have a cuppa or a glass. Like pp's have said she probably isn't even expecting any tea, I'd personally wait to eat when my OH gets home from work. I doubt she'd mind the mess or whatever. I think it's nice you two could keep each other company

SingingMySong · 04/10/2017 14:14

Respect for your updates OP. I hope people read them before replying but if they don't, don't take it to heart.

Enjoy seeing your friend, whether or not you feed her.

Original poster

Whattodofirst · 04/10/2017 14:16

Thank you for your kindness flippertydip. I think I've learned a few things today. Thank you

OP posts:

NameChangeFamousFolk · 04/10/2017 14:19

I don't think you sounded unfriendly OP. You were pretty clear about why it wasn't convenient in your post, and I don't think YABU.

For what it's worth, I don't think the friend is either. Her 'popping in' just isn't the same as yours. You just need to say that to her and suggest something else.

It isn't 'being formal,' unfriendly, or any of the other things you've had thrown at you. You're busy, you've got a teething toddler, you don't want to have to tidy up (some people like to do this for friends, others don't), whatever.

It's okay to say no. It's really okay to say that it's not convenient, some other time. If you wanted to do it, you would. You're not so keen, and that's okay - I have no idea why so many posters want to guilt-trip you over it.

Original poster

Whattodofirst · 04/10/2017 14:23

Thank you singing and namechange

OP posts:

LilaoftheGreenwood · 04/10/2017 14:24

I don't think you sounded unfriendly either, I think you sound busy and tired and like you really value your own space and routines and like to know what people's plans are. I do too. No idea why majority of MN finds it difficult to accept some people have different boundaries and tolerances from them. But that's extroverts for you. Good on you for giving it a go anyway.

Original poster

Whattodofirst · 04/10/2017 14:28

Thank you

OP posts:

Mittens1969 · 04/10/2017 14:29

It wouldn’t bother me tbh, I’d be looking forward to seeing my friend. But I would be embarrassed if the place was messy of course! And I’d probably do something like jacket potatoes with fillings, easy to prepare and most people like them. (A bottle of wine sounds like a good idea as a suggestion, though I suppose your friend will be driving afterwards so she won’t be able to share it?)

No you don’t sound unfriendly, OP, just in a panic as you like to be prepared for guests.

Beeziekn33ze · 04/10/2017 14:34

OP - I'm surprised you feel you'd have to 'entertain' a friend you've known for so many years.

Nikephorus · 04/10/2017 14:46

I really want to apologise and say I really didn't mean to sound unfriendly, I have re read my post and all the comments many many times over in the last few mins and I do see why people are reacting the way they are.
You only sound unfriendly (apparently) to people who are quite happy to have their routines disrupted - presumably they're the ones who think it's fine to put others out for their convenience. Personally I can't see what's wrong with your attitude - "popping in" is not the same as staying for hours when you've got kids to feed and unless it's something you do regularly (having people turning up mid-feed that is) then it is a dilemma and really not that well-thought out by your friend (who sounds like she's more bothered about a distraction while waiting for her partner than she is over seeing you)

CatsOclock · 04/10/2017 14:50

OP, you sound lovely, please don't worry. I can really empathise with your posts - most of us worry far too much about these things and can forget the important stuff. Have a lovely evening!

Lelleybells · 04/10/2017 14:57

Yes I think this would throw me a little. Maybe just get some nice bread and cheese and have that with her? You don’t need to prepare it and I’m sure as your friend she would understand how busy you are so will not expect to be waited on on for your house to be pristine.

Branleuse · 04/10/2017 14:58

I would be really stressed by this.

RB68 · 04/10/2017 14:59

She is a friend put her to work - get a simplish food on the menu and stick her in the kitchen and just say well if you do that I will do the kids and we might get 5 mins to ourselves later. She either love it and muck in or never come again - win win either way

Yvetteballs · 04/10/2017 15:01

If you’re not extrovert, an arrangement like this can be quite discombobulating.
A friend said she was popping in last week. I didn’t know what time she’d stay till. DD and DP are not hugely social so there’s no bonhomie floating around to jolly it all along. Friend is ever so nice and we had a good chat, but I had face ache from making sure I grinned in all the right places.
It’s different if people are coming for dinner and wine, its more relaxing and fun, but fitting your normal dull routine around an ad hoc visit isn’t that much fun for me.

IamPickleRick · 04/10/2017 15:58

I don't think it's an introvert/extrovert thing. I'm an introvert and am firmly in to routine. My friends know this and help me stick to it when they come by feeding the toddler while I feed the baby etc. We've known each other for so long that they've seen my messy teenage bedroom or sat on the loo chatting to me while I had a bath before a night out. It's the "many many years" part that makes me say Yabu. I just cannot imagine keeping a friend of so long at such a distance. But op has (bravely I think) acknowledged that she doesn't feel that way all the time and I agree that I have some friends that I wouldn't let near my house unless a cleaner had been over first! But not a friend of many many years. They are more like my family. Hope it goes ok for you OP.

Oly5 · 04/10/2017 16:01

Wouldn't bother me at all, I'd be chuffed to see her! She's probably not expecting to be fed... Can't you just put out cheese, crackers and olives?

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