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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - instructor hiding his son's obvious ASD

125 replies

Rollforneed · 01/10/2017 22:05

I am feeling a bit 'frustrated' by a situation. My DS (13) is taking karate. When I signed him up I was honest and said he is on the spectrum, might take longer to learn, need instructions repeated, etc. I usually do this because, well, it makes life easier and I do so in a very private manner, not shouting it out in front of people as I do value my DS privacy but I know inevitably something will require some help.

Well, when I signed him up and mentioned this, the instructor's (sensei's) wife who administers the class made a face. I didn't know if they didn't like having ASD or SEN students but she accepted him so I ignored. Fast forward a few months and it is completely obvious that the instructors adult son, who is a blackbelt (he's perfectly fine at karate), clearly has something going on, whether its autism or not. I am pretty sure it's autism as I have had many years experience around the autism community (my DS is in a SN class, we've have at least 10 kids on the spectrum over multiple times over the years, I belong to an ASD community group, I am actively involved in the classroom, etc). The thing is, it is not admitted that the adult son has autism, although it is blatantly obvious. I realized why the wife made the face, because their son has it, but they are hiding it.

Now I get not everyone wants people to know this, especially as an adult. Some ASD people like to stay 'in the closet' but recently I had to talk to the instructor about some issues my son was having and he pretended (the instructor) like he had no knowledge of special needs whatsoever!!! I mean, we have been at events with the karate group and it is VERY obvious the son has got 'something' different about him whether it's ASD, or something else. My STBXH who is not the most perceptive person noticed within the first five minutes of meeting the son.

AIBU to feel a bit pissed off that here I am discussing my DS's needs with people who are probably lying when they say they don't know anything about special needs? So far I have ignored as it's their choice and privacy, but maybe they shouldn't go so far as to pretend they don't know what I am talking about regarding and special needs?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 01/10/2017 22:08

I don’t see why his son is anything to do with you to be honest.

Even if his son does have additional needs that doesn’t make him an expert in anything but his sons additional needs so it could have been completely irrelevant to your conversation anyway.

Haffdonga · 01/10/2017 22:12

Why should the instructor disclose anything to you about his son's condition? It has absolutely nothing to do with you and doesn't affect your ds's karate skills so irrelevant and none of your business.

PurpleDaisies · 01/10/2017 22:14

You are being utterly ridiculous. Their son's medical history is none of your business.

Pengggwn · 01/10/2017 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

astrotel · 01/10/2017 22:16

What on earth does it have to do with you?

Justdontknow4321 · 01/10/2017 22:17

What's it to do with you ? The instructor doesn't have to tell you jack shit about his son. He's not being unreasonable at all.. you are for thinking he should disclose his business to you.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 01/10/2017 22:17

YABU, it has nothing to do with you. You have no idea what they’re going through and how they deal with things.

GwenStaceyRocks · 01/10/2017 22:17

When you read back over your post did you not realise how many assumptions you were making? You don't know if their son is on the spectrum. You don't know what knowledge they have of SN.

You do know they don't want to discuss any of this with you.
Even if their son is on the spectrum, you don't know when he was diagnosed so they may have no experience of working with SN children. There's also a massive difference between parenting your own child and taking responsibility as a teacher in a professional setting.

JonSnowsWife · 01/10/2017 22:18

AIBU to feel a bit pissed off that here I am discussing my DS's needs with people who are probably lying when they say they don't know anything about special needs

Yes. DS has ASD & ADHD. I also knew very little about either condition before I had to research and advocate for him. How do you know they haven't done anything about it? It took years to get DS dxd and i mean years. He still had behavioural issues in the mean time despite no dx but there was v.little we could do until a professional saw what we saw. I once had the pleasure of knowing a senco who appeared to have had no fucking clue about ASD. Now that was frustrating.

Witchend · 01/10/2017 22:19

I thought the general opinion was if you have met one person with ASD, then you've met one person with ASD.
So it's much better they're listening to you, rather than saying "don't worry we know all about it".
And there is no way they should have to share any medical details with you or anyone else just for your gratification.

MrsJayy · 01/10/2017 22:19

Their sons condition or lack of has nothing to do with you this man has a right to privacy do you not think?

sausagerole · 01/10/2017 22:19

Erm, they're not lying to you. They have absolutely no obligation to disclose anything about their son, nor to empathise with your situation even if they have had similar experiences and understanding.

Straycatblue · 01/10/2017 22:19

You sound like you want to "out" their sons diagnosis and seem upset and personally offended that they don't talk about it. Your post comes across as quite entitled about how you think they should run their lives. Its none of your business. You sound like a busybody.

And maybe they have no idea, sometimes things that are obvious to others outwith the family arent obvious to those in the family because thats the way its always been.

I f Tony Attwood the world expert on autism missed it in his own son then imagine how easy it is for non experts. www.kidspot.com.au/parenting/real-life/in-the-news/top-autism-expert-regrets-missing-his-own-sons-diagnosis/news-story/afd9ad705f65c42a41f6b14eda328058

Regardless though and I feel I need to repeat because your post is one of the most ridiculous Ive read on here and thats saying something.
Its none of your business how they live their lives.

JonSnowsWife · 01/10/2017 22:20

But in answer to your question. No he doesn't have to tell you anything about his son. Despite whether it is glaringly obvious or not. It's not relevant to your DSs lessons at all.

thewavesofthesea · 01/10/2017 22:20

Before I opened this thread I knew it was going to be about karate. My sons and I do karate, and in our small club there are at least three (that I know of) children/adults with autism. It is known to be good for children with autism (it has been recommend by professionals I believe) and as far as I can see the main benefit seems to be increased confidence and self esteem. So I would strongly encourage your son to continue.

However, despite the fact it is obvious that one of the adults particularly is autistic, we don't point it out/talk about it. Everyone is treated equally; as long as you are listening and trying your best that is all that matters. So I would suggest that they maybe do know, but don't think it is relevant to bring it up and share it; just as you don't want to have it shouted across the dojo about your son.

I hope he does enjoy it. Me and my sons love it!

Ellendegeneres · 01/10/2017 22:20

Yeah yabu sorry, their sons life has nothing to do with you. They don't have to share it with anyone if he has a diagnosis of any kind.
I dont tell people my mh diagnosis and come across knowledgeable in many areas that I've no experience in and I'm knowledgeable in many areas I know plenty in but are private to me.
They run a business. They're not your besties, they don't have to tell you a thing aside from business info

CircleofWillis · 01/10/2017 22:22

You don't 'know' you only suspect he has ASD. The parents may have very little experience of SEN and not realise that their son has special needs if he actually has. Either way it is nothing to do with you and they don't owe you an explanation. I can understand how frustrating it must be for you but it really isn't necessary for them to share if they do not feel comfortable doing so. Also it doesn't really affect you or your son if you are giving them information about your son's specific needs.
I was struck by the fact that you said you were 'honest' when you told them about your son's ASD and suggest in the title they are 'hiding' their own son's needs. It suggests that you might see having special needs as something embarrassing or to be ashamed of. The instructor and his family may simply not see it as an issue for them. Not the most important thing about their son IYSWIM. He has a black belt in Karate! I am impressed with anyone who has the dedication and skill to achieve that and if he does have special needs - what an awesome role model he is for anyone.
BTW I have a DC who is funny, clever, awesome, kind and happens to have ASD.

RippleEffects · 01/10/2017 22:22

I think if they do have experience of one ASD child its refreshing they don't claim to know it all about ASD and let you express your DS's specific set of needs.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 01/10/2017 22:23

If their son is able to function relatively independently it's possible he hasn't been diagnosed with anything officially and they have just accepted and learned to deal with the way he is.
Or he is diagnosed and they don't wish to share it with you which is their prerogative. Just because their son possibly has some kind of sn it doesn't mean they will be experts or even remotely knowledgeable about your sons needs.
I can see why you felt it would be best to disclose your sons diagnosis to his instructor but he was in no way then obliged to share information about his son. Yabvvvu.

Original poster

Rollforneed · 01/10/2017 22:23

I haven't met one person with ASD, I have met at least 50 or more of varying needs and 'appearances'. I have had 5 children with ASD around my house this past week, all varying. I have been to summer camps full of autism families, I have more experience than many psychologists with ASD individuals.

I admit people's business is their own. But what if say, they had a nephew with Down's, which was really obvious, but when you talk about your child with Down's they pretend they don't know what it is?

OP posts:

AlexanderHamilton · 01/10/2017 22:24

This could have been me (except substitute drama for martial arts).

I had absolutely no idea my daughter had Aspergers until she went to secondary school. Parents of children in my drama classes may have guessed, I don't know but I certainly wasn't hiding anything. However even if I'd known I wouldn't necessarily have shared anything with them just as I wouldn't share confidential info about their child to others. She deserved her privacy just as much as any other child in the class.

Mittens1969 · 01/10/2017 22:24

No, there’s no reason why they should tell you, it has nothing to do with you whether the son has SEN or not. It’s their own private family business.

RippleEffects · 01/10/2017 22:25

I wa reffering to the instructor potentially knowing just one ASD child not you OP

OlennasWimple · 01/10/2017 22:27

Their son's medical history is his private information, especially as he is an adult. Why on earth should they be discussing it with you?

Are you sure that the wife "made a face"? Are you perhaps projecting a tiny bit here?

Original poster

Rollforneed · 01/10/2017 22:27

My AIBU isn't 'are they obliged' to tell me if their son has it. More like it is getting ridiculous to be discussing it like it's not there?

It's more like I wish people wouldn't be SO ASHAMED of their ASD when it is BLATANTLY fucking obvious. My own son is way less obvious.

I don't think ASD is something to be ashamed of?

OP posts:

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