Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - instructor hiding his son's obvious ASD

125 replies

Rollforneed · 01/10/2017 22:05

I am feeling a bit 'frustrated' by a situation. My DS (13) is taking karate. When I signed him up I was honest and said he is on the spectrum, might take longer to learn, need instructions repeated, etc. I usually do this because, well, it makes life easier and I do so in a very private manner, not shouting it out in front of people as I do value my DS privacy but I know inevitably something will require some help.

Well, when I signed him up and mentioned this, the instructor's (sensei's) wife who administers the class made a face. I didn't know if they didn't like having ASD or SEN students but she accepted him so I ignored. Fast forward a few months and it is completely obvious that the instructors adult son, who is a blackbelt (he's perfectly fine at karate), clearly has something going on, whether its autism or not. I am pretty sure it's autism as I have had many years experience around the autism community (my DS is in a SN class, we've have at least 10 kids on the spectrum over multiple times over the years, I belong to an ASD community group, I am actively involved in the classroom, etc). The thing is, it is not admitted that the adult son has autism, although it is blatantly obvious. I realized why the wife made the face, because their son has it, but they are hiding it.

Now I get not everyone wants people to know this, especially as an adult. Some ASD people like to stay 'in the closet' but recently I had to talk to the instructor about some issues my son was having and he pretended (the instructor) like he had no knowledge of special needs whatsoever!!! I mean, we have been at events with the karate group and it is VERY obvious the son has got 'something' different about him whether it's ASD, or something else. My STBXH who is not the most perceptive person noticed within the first five minutes of meeting the son.

AIBU to feel a bit pissed off that here I am discussing my DS's needs with people who are probably lying when they say they don't know anything about special needs? So far I have ignored as it's their choice and privacy, but maybe they shouldn't go so far as to pretend they don't know what I am talking about regarding and special needs?

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 01/10/2017 22:42

It wasn't a post about a "feeling" though you accused a woman of pulling a face when you mentioned your son and his SN then diagnosed a man with asd then said his father was lying about it 😕

MistyMinge · 01/10/2017 22:42

Their son could have been in an accident and ended up with a brain injury, or, any number of things could have happened. The point is you do not know anything for sure, and they DO NOT have to tell you.

YABU

hamburgler · 01/10/2017 22:43

It's possibly they are in denial rather than lying.

SelmaAndJubjub · 01/10/2017 22:43

It's more like I wish people wouldn't be SO ASHAMED of their ASD when it is BLATANTLY fucking obvious

Their son is an adult. Has it occurred to you that they are respecting his privacy? You sound as if you are projecting. Just because they haven't shared their adult son's medical history with you doesn't mean they are ashamed of him. Doesn't their son have a right to privacy or aren't you allowed that if you have ASD? Hmm

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 01/10/2017 22:45

Perhaps they are not ashamed. Perhaps they are keeping a professional distance.

How awful would it be for a parent to explain that their child had SN only for the instructor to say "oh I know about that my son has SN"...when actually all they know about is how said SN affects their own child not anyone else's.

Oh and once again for the hard of understanding...

ASD has a complex and involved diagnostic process. It is not diagnosed by someone who has "seen a lot of people with Autism" or "knows a lot of Autism families" or by someone who has noticed for example that "x doesn't make a lot of eye contact". It is not that simple. (Preemptive strike)

misdee · 01/10/2017 22:48

You don't know he is autistic. You are assuming he is based on your observations.
He may have additional needs. He may be autistic. He may have one of many conditions that come with autistic type behaviours. He may not. He may be a quirky genius or an sullen adult. He may just be obsessive over karate.
All you need to worry about is whether your son's needs are being met. That's all.

Original poster
Rollforneed · 01/10/2017 22:49

no cry I think maybe you have hit the nail on the head there. He doesn't want people to know, even though it may be obvious, so they get all clammed up when it's mention. Like, 'nobody mention the war'.

looking - I don't know what I want to have happen. I know, it just feels so dumb.

Please - nobody think I wanted them to introduce 'here's my autistic son' or anything. I don't do that with my own and frankly I am probably somewhere on the spectrum. I understand privacy it is just getting a bit awkward.

OP posts:
my2bundles · 01/10/2017 22:52

I have an adult dd with autism. I certainly don't tell anyone unless they really need to know. The instructors son if autistic is entitled to keep the information private and his father as the instructor has a duty to keep medical information about all his students including his son confidential. You are being ridiculous.

Original poster
Rollforneed · 01/10/2017 22:53

misdee yes I could be wrong in my assumptions.

okay thanks guys - clearly I need to stick my awkward feeling in the bin as I don't really know what I want out of this.

OP posts:
JonSnowsWife · 01/10/2017 22:53

How is it getting a bit awkward? Confused

PurpleDaisies · 01/10/2017 22:54

What do you mean "getting a bit awkward"?

Jenna43 · 01/10/2017 22:55

I don't think the OP wanted access to the karate instructors sons medical file, jeez give her a break. I get what you mean OP, just that maybe he could have acknowledged he had some experience of dealing with autism.

May09Bump · 01/10/2017 22:55

They might not be hiding it - I understand people like to educate and be open about it, but you know what some people like privacy.

My son is currently being investigated for various issues and to be honest I am sick of talking about it - to teachers, friends, etc on a daily basis. So, if I join a club with him that he is able to do without issue to others - then I'm not going to talk about it. I'm not ashamed of my son in any way - it's just none of your business. He also has a right of whom to choose to tell.

Your lack of understanding for someone in the same boat is unbelievable.

MrsJayy · 01/10/2017 22:56

You need to let it go and concentrate on your own son and his needs for his lessons if the class teachers are not getting it you need to keep at it.

Mittens1969 · 01/10/2017 22:56

I think you mean that it’s like the ‘elephant in the room’, OP, and maybe it feels that way to them as well? But you have a professional relationship with them, you’re not friends, so it needs to be put to one side.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 01/10/2017 22:56

the instructor has a duty to keep medical information about all his students including his son confidential.

That's a good point I hadn't considered! His son is also his student and will have filled in all the usual forms. He has the same entitlement to have his information kept confidential as your child has. In the context of your meetings with him he is that person's instructor. You would be furious if another parent was talking about their child's autism and the instructor said "yes I have experience with it as roll's son is autistic too". He simply cannot disclose that information.

PurpleDaisies · 01/10/2017 22:57

I get what you mean OP, just that maybe he could have acknowledged he had some experience of dealing with autism.

Which could well have led to personal questions about his son that he didn't want to answer. It's entirely up to people what they do and don't want to share.

JonSnowsWife · 01/10/2017 22:59

just that maybe he could have acknowledged he had some experience of dealing with autism.

Maybe he doesn't? Apart from his son. If indeed he is dx'd or suspected.
ExDH has no experience of it, he well aware of DSs needs, however he never ever speaks about it. Unless the person needs to know. Otherwise it isn't discussed.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 01/10/2017 23:00

I think if you feel awkward around someone who may have additional needs who is just getting on with it without it having to be referred to then the issue is with you tbh op.

zzzzz · 01/10/2017 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ychafi · 01/10/2017 23:15

How old is the adult son? He may not be diagnosed. I wasn’t until I was 40. I’ve worked in many SN fields, and it is obvious to me that my aunt (aged 72) is on the autistic spectrum - but neither she, or the rest of the family have realised that.

AuntLydia · 01/10/2017 23:17

I know a few kids who would present as having autism - indeed who have gone through all the relevant diagnostic processes only to be diagnosed with something else. They clearly share some traits but aren't actually autistic. Should their parents know lots about autism because of some shared traits? I don't think so. I would also say - and you must surely know this yourself - that the process of getting an autism diagnosis can often be quite a long and protracted one with lots of input from different people and observations and stuff. I'm surprised you think you can diagnose autism 'on sight' no matter how many people with autism you may know. Are they doing right by your son? That's the important thing. And actually they don't need to be experts on autism to do that, they just need to take his needs into account and listen to you as a parent.

Original poster
Rollforneed · 01/10/2017 23:20

jenna thanks! I am not trying to harm anyone. It's an elephant in the room thing, I think, that is happening.

I know AIBU and I expected to get flamed!! Sort of therapeutic despite the flaming....

OP posts:
Sohurt17 · 01/10/2017 23:21

Is it possible that you may have misinterpreted the face she made?

my2bundles · 01/10/2017 23:24

I hope you can acknowledge that as his sons instructor he has a legal duty to keep sensitive information and medical records confidential. This is not flaming you this is stating fact.

Swipe left for the next trending thread