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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - instructor hiding his son's obvious ASD

125 replies

Rollforneed · 01/10/2017 22:05

I am feeling a bit 'frustrated' by a situation. My DS (13) is taking karate. When I signed him up I was honest and said he is on the spectrum, might take longer to learn, need instructions repeated, etc. I usually do this because, well, it makes life easier and I do so in a very private manner, not shouting it out in front of people as I do value my DS privacy but I know inevitably something will require some help.

Well, when I signed him up and mentioned this, the instructor's (sensei's) wife who administers the class made a face. I didn't know if they didn't like having ASD or SEN students but she accepted him so I ignored. Fast forward a few months and it is completely obvious that the instructors adult son, who is a blackbelt (he's perfectly fine at karate), clearly has something going on, whether its autism or not. I am pretty sure it's autism as I have had many years experience around the autism community (my DS is in a SN class, we've have at least 10 kids on the spectrum over multiple times over the years, I belong to an ASD community group, I am actively involved in the classroom, etc). The thing is, it is not admitted that the adult son has autism, although it is blatantly obvious. I realized why the wife made the face, because their son has it, but they are hiding it.

Now I get not everyone wants people to know this, especially as an adult. Some ASD people like to stay 'in the closet' but recently I had to talk to the instructor about some issues my son was having and he pretended (the instructor) like he had no knowledge of special needs whatsoever!!! I mean, we have been at events with the karate group and it is VERY obvious the son has got 'something' different about him whether it's ASD, or something else. My STBXH who is not the most perceptive person noticed within the first five minutes of meeting the son.

AIBU to feel a bit pissed off that here I am discussing my DS's needs with people who are probably lying when they say they don't know anything about special needs? So far I have ignored as it's their choice and privacy, but maybe they shouldn't go so far as to pretend they don't know what I am talking about regarding and special needs?

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 01/10/2017 23:24

If his son is an adult then he may not be diagnosed at all.

Even now a diagnosis is hard to get, in years gone by it was even harder.

Plus I only realised that my DD2 had something going on (not asd) because she was a twin. If she was an only child, or even just my eldest child, I wouldn't have realised she was any different. DH's cousin was an adult before he got any diagnosis and his parents are racked with guilt because they just didn't realise. He was their only child so his ways and quirks and pace weren't anything they noticed, and if was just assumed that he played yp at school because he was a bit naughty.

Iloveanimals · 01/10/2017 23:26

1 Yabu

2 nobody mention the war

You sound like Basil Fawlty

pinkdelight · 01/10/2017 23:26

Exactly sohort, there is a heck of a lot of extrapolation based on her 'making a face'. Agree with corbyn too. You're the one with the awkwardness issue OP. They're just getting on with it. Any shame is your own assumption.

Rachie1973 · 01/10/2017 23:27

Ashamed? Who the hell says they're ashamed? How bloody presumptuous. Its none of your business!

redsquirrel2 · 01/10/2017 23:31

Reread your post OP. If you were them, would you discuss your son's condition with someone as judgemental and opinionated as you? No you would not. It's none of your business, stay out of it. Perhaps try to be a bit more compassionate and understanding. You have absolutely no right to feel the way you do.

WaveWash · 01/10/2017 23:32

ASD has a complex and involved diagnostic process. It is not diagnosed by someone who has "seen a lot of people with Autism" or "knows a lot of Autism families" or by someone who has noticed for example that "x doesn't make a lot of eye contact". It is not that simple

This x a hundred.

OP, I'm sorry but it's another YABVU from me. I think you could have misread the 'face' the woman made and I think it's understandable why the instructor hasn't said anything about his son.

my2bundles · 01/10/2017 23:35

You say in your op you value your sons privacy.You need to Respect the fact that others feel the same way about their situation.

JumpingJellybeanz · 01/10/2017 23:35

So you think they should be discussing another adult's private issues with you because ... why? Why does it make you awkward/uncomfortable? Is it just conditions you consider yourself to be more knowledgeable than experts in or should they run everything past you? Do you feel like you have the right to be included in their private lives because of your perceived shared experience?

Sorry, but as an autistic adult I find your post a little bit creepy and invasive.

scottishretreat · 01/10/2017 23:45

In you OP, you mentioned that you'd taken care in discussing your sons condition to do it in private:
I do so in a very private manner, not shouting it out in front of people as I do value my DS privacy

This is very reasonable, and, if you're right, and the son is on the spectrum, the instructor is likely to apply a similar approach for his son - not discussing him with students or their parents, but respecting his privacy. As the son is older it is perhaps even more important to respect his privacy.

Put yourself in his shoes, you should be able to understand that he is likely behaving exactly as you do - being respectful to his child.

LaContessaDiPlump · 01/10/2017 23:45

op I think I understand your awkward felling, but I don't think it's exactly about autism.

You were talking to them about a topic, and assumed that they would indicate awareness of that topic. They refrained from admitting to any awareness of it at all. This left you in a mental tizz.

I understand the origin of the feeling (often eperience it myself!), but even if you're right it really isn't any of your business (as others have said).

CorbynsBumFlannel · 01/10/2017 23:49

But most people would think that maybe they were wrong or that they were respecting their sons privacy. Not jump to the conclusion that they were hiding it and ashamed.
Maybe they don't see their sons sn or lack of as a big issue. He clearly has the determination, physical skill and concentration to become a black belt in karate which is no mean feat and something many people without sn aren't capable of.
I would be interested to know what behaviour in particular lead the op to believe that the man MUST have sn.

ThoseCowsAreFarAway · 02/10/2017 00:09

I think my husbands nephew (15) is autistic, possibly Aspergers. His parents don't believe in 'labelling' so he has no formal diagnosis. That's their decision as a family and I respect that - yabu.

SkintAsASkintThing · 02/10/2017 00:35

He might not be diagnosed...... I think you're being absolutely ridiculous by the way and massively overstepping the mark.

Beak out. And if your son will struggle so much they need to have an understanding of Autism to help then you probably need to stay and supervise, i've been doing it for years. My son's 16 now and i'm still translating for him......listening to a new voice is like learning a foreign language for him, someone having an experience of Autism makes no difference at all.

corythatwas · 02/10/2017 00:43

a) what others have said- confidentiality!!!

b) (what others have also said)- by the time your son is an adult you will also have to change the way you talk about him: the amount of information you divulge will have to be not about what you think appropriate, but what he thinks appropriate

supposing it was his wife who was on the spectrum instead- would you expect him to discuss that openly with customers without her agreement? his son is also an adult and deserves adult agency in deciding who and what is the receiver of information about him

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 02/10/2017 00:46

Well there are four possible scenarios here:

  1. He is on the Autistic Spectrum
  1. He does not have ASD but does have another condition.
  1. He does not have any condition.
  1. He has a condition but is undiagnosed and he and the family are unaware.

I've thought about each scenario and I just cannot see where you fit into any of them; not one is your business.

I think you should continue to treat him kindly and with respect and not require disclosure. If we all did that, then the world would be a better place :)

HiJenny35 · 02/10/2017 00:47

You're still not getting it though are you, why should they mention their child's condition? Just because you both have children with asd you may have nothing in common, your experiences aren't there's, and again the assumption you made about children with downs, they aren't all the same, they are as different as any other children so assuming to know would be ridiculous. It's not your place to be informed. Stop fishing for details!

Migraleve · 02/10/2017 00:55

I don't think ASD is something to be ashamed of?

There not telling a random parent does not equate to them being ashamed Confused

I think you need to seriously rethink here.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/10/2017 01:00

"Elephant in the room" frequently equals "I am a nosy, officious, entitled busybody and I do not respect anyone else's wish to keep their private business private."

MidniteScribbler · 02/10/2017 01:51

It's an elephant in the room thing, I think, that is happening.

There is no elephant in the room. And just because you may both have a child with additional needs, that doesn't need to make it a bonding experience with someone. There is no club with a secret handshake that you get to be a part of.

Justdontknow4321 · 02/10/2017 08:03

I don't tell people my 4 yr old son has autism, even when strangers try and talk to him and he doesn't reply as he can't speak! I just smile at them and carry on with my day, usually they presume he's shy an just laugh. I'm not ashamed to say my son has asd at all. I just don't see why people should know my business!

my2bundles · 02/10/2017 08:04

I have read your op again this morning. It seems you are annoyed because you have disclosed your sons needs nd they haven't. As a club they need to know your sons diagnosis and how this affects him and how it could affect the the group, if he will require more support which in my dd case she does in these type is situations so we had to battle the disability team within social services for funding for a 1-1 carer to assist her. Maybe you need to consider this. You are annoyed because you have given information about your son and they haven't, you see this as them being dishonest while you are being honest and open. The fact is while they as professionals working with your son need this information to make it work, you in turn do not need to know anything about their son because you are not working with him. I hope you can see the difference.

magpiemischeif · 02/10/2017 08:17

I think 'pop' diagnoses is dangerous in that they really erode the perception of genuine professional diagnoses. Professional diagnoses is rigorous and (usually) pretty lengthy process for a reason. Specific criteria have to be adhered to. This, obviously, does not happen when anyone decides they can speculate and 'diagnose'. Before you know it, genuine conditions become associated with all sorts of negative behaviours. It is how disablism operates.

Pengggwn · 02/10/2017 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DiggyDiggyHole · 02/10/2017 08:27

YABU, just because you are comfortable disclosing and sharing doesn’t mean you get to decide that everyone should be letting it all hang out. It’s personal to each individual, even more so if they are adults. He’s a karate instructor, not an expert in special needs, and he doesn’t need to pretend he knows anything about how your son’s ASD impacts on him, that’s your job, and your son’s.
If their choices piss you off, find another club.

Coconutspongexo · 02/10/2017 08:30

It's non of your business.
Should people walk around stating any condition they may have just for you??