Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU - instructor hiding his son's obvious ASD

125 replies

Rollforneed · 01/10/2017 22:05

I am feeling a bit 'frustrated' by a situation. My DS (13) is taking karate. When I signed him up I was honest and said he is on the spectrum, might take longer to learn, need instructions repeated, etc. I usually do this because, well, it makes life easier and I do so in a very private manner, not shouting it out in front of people as I do value my DS privacy but I know inevitably something will require some help.

Well, when I signed him up and mentioned this, the instructor's (sensei's) wife who administers the class made a face. I didn't know if they didn't like having ASD or SEN students but she accepted him so I ignored. Fast forward a few months and it is completely obvious that the instructors adult son, who is a blackbelt (he's perfectly fine at karate), clearly has something going on, whether its autism or not. I am pretty sure it's autism as I have had many years experience around the autism community (my DS is in a SN class, we've have at least 10 kids on the spectrum over multiple times over the years, I belong to an ASD community group, I am actively involved in the classroom, etc). The thing is, it is not admitted that the adult son has autism, although it is blatantly obvious. I realized why the wife made the face, because their son has it, but they are hiding it.

Now I get not everyone wants people to know this, especially as an adult. Some ASD people like to stay 'in the closet' but recently I had to talk to the instructor about some issues my son was having and he pretended (the instructor) like he had no knowledge of special needs whatsoever!!! I mean, we have been at events with the karate group and it is VERY obvious the son has got 'something' different about him whether it's ASD, or something else. My STBXH who is not the most perceptive person noticed within the first five minutes of meeting the son.

AIBU to feel a bit pissed off that here I am discussing my DS's needs with people who are probably lying when they say they don't know anything about special needs? So far I have ignored as it's their choice and privacy, but maybe they shouldn't go so far as to pretend they don't know what I am talking about regarding and special needs?

OP posts:

Changerofname987654321 · 02/10/2017 08:32

At 18 it maybe their son decision not to disclose his private information. Anyway if it their decision to make not yours.

TheWartyOne · 02/10/2017 08:32

YABU

magpiemischeif · 02/10/2017 08:34

Beyond that, Peng, I think no one should be speculating like this. Even in a (unrelated) professional capacity, all someone, unqualified to professionally diagnose, should ever raise is 'concerns'.

Speculation like this really does contribute towards disablism. It is why the names of conditions have to be changed again and again. People start attaching any negative behaviour to a condition and then it is not much a leap to using the name of a condition as an insult. Leave diagnosis to the professionals you know, so the the rigour and strict diagnostic criteria can be adhered to and preserved.

BoysofMelody · 02/10/2017 08:39

I really didn't mean to come across as entitled or nosy or whatever. I get people want their privacy. I haven't said a peep to them to hint that I wonder what's going on with the son.

This obsessive behaviour screams ASD op why haven't you been honest with everyone on this thread. I am perfectly qualified to do this as I have great experience of the ASD community having seen 'Rain Man' on video three times.

MrsJayy · 02/10/2017 08:40

This is one of those unanimous AIBU that you rarely see,Op there is no Elephant in the room thing it still not your business

BoysofMelody · 02/10/2017 08:46

Oh on the interest of full disclosure op I have IBS and the remnants of a cough.

Dahlietta · 02/10/2017 08:52

I think the son is a bit of a red herring here. I get the impression that you don't feel they are being that helpful about your own son's ASD and that is why it annoys you feel their own son is likely to have ASD and they should therefore be more understanding. The son is irrelevant though really - you need to decide if you are happy with the way they are handling your own son and, if not, look for another club.

Jux · 02/10/2017 09:01

How do you know they don't know that their son is on the spectrum? Maybe they chose not to 'admit' there was anything wrong with him, and he's grown up in that belief. Just because you think it's obvious, looking at him from the outside, doesn't mean it's obvious to them, looking at it from the inside.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 02/10/2017 09:03

Does your son enjoy the club/ karate?

Are you seeing positives from your son's involvement with the club?

Is the tutor supporting your son within the remits of 'teaching him karate'?

Are you happy with the professionalism of the tutor in the way he runs his classes?

If the answer is yes to the above, everything else falls under the banner of wind your fucking neck in.

SootSprite · 02/10/2017 09:09

As with everyone else I’m wondering why the hell any of this is your concern? Is ASD catching?? Is that why you feel they ought to be announcing it?? Perhaps he feels that, seeing as whatever health conditions he might have, have no impact on his ability to do karate then it’s NONE OF YOUR DAMNED BUSINESS??

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 02/10/2017 09:11

It's sensitive isn't it. But unless they are friends it's not going to be something you can jump straight in and talk about. And unless you can see neglect that is obvious, none of us can intervene in someone else's child.

I have a good friend, his son is very like mine, except his probably is a genius. But undiagnosed asd. His son has a lot of ASD traits, and when we talk we laugh at how quirky and similar they are. However I know that he doesn't want him diagnosed and I don't push it. His son seems well adjusted, coping with school, no obvious difficulties that I'd want to say - come on, get a diagnosis. If there was a real difficulty, I'd probably bring up that specifically rather than just say he's got ASD.

Another friend has a partner who is very aspergers like too. I never bring it up, but he's classic. But again, he's happy, has a job, relationship, so what he never looks me in the eye and goes on about stuff, i think he's lovely and he makes my friend happy.

There's a grey area where I'm not sure it is always helpful to get a diagnosis, there are minuses as well as pluses. However if I saw a kid struggling with language, or being told off for stimming, and I was able to I would investigate, call for further help e.g. If I were a teacher.

But if everything seems fine, I'd leave alone. It might be great for the instructors having a kid that is similar in some ways.

WhoPoppedMyBalloon · 02/10/2017 09:12

None of your business. Put your over-sized judgy-pants away..

NikiBabe · 02/10/2017 09:16

You were obliged to tell them about your son as he is a minor and they would be teaching him karate so need to know.

Why do you need them to publicly tell you their adult son has asd? What difference will it make?

Weebo · 02/10/2017 09:17

Pfft - You obviously didn't do the secret 'My kids have Autism' handshake when you first met.

It's like just like the Freemasons.

TimeTravellersCompanion · 02/10/2017 09:23

None of your business to discuss their son's medical history!

Musereader · 02/10/2017 09:24

Yabu, their son may not have a diagnosis at all, they may be burying their head in the sand. They could be some of those people who will not belive in autism no matter how many people with asd you parade in front of them.

My older brother does not belive my youngest brother has asd, or that asd even exists. He thinks our mother mollycoddled and over parented our brother, that hejust needs pushing a little harder and that he should just get over it.

Maybe the instructor has been told in the past that his son is asd but just believes he is a difficult child , maybe the eye roll is because the mother thinks that you are one of those mothers who cover up their deficiencies in parenting by slapping a label on a naughty child so you can pander to his naughtiness, but she cant say anything because you are a customer and she has to pretend to be Politically correct.

Dont get me wrong, i can ususally spot asd a mile off myself and i know it is real but i have had the above attitude directed at me when i mention my brothers to some people.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 02/10/2017 09:30

You see a tiny snapshot of their life. Get a grip.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/10/2017 09:32

@Rollforneed - the most important thing is this - are they handling your son's needs and issues well? Is he happy and flourishing in the group?

It is clear from what you have said that they are willing to discuss how best to help him learn karate, and that is what matters.

It might also be worth remembering that, even if they aren't discussing their experience of dealing with a person with special needs, they will still HAVE that experience, and will be using it to inform their dealings with your son.

I think they are right to respect their son's privacy - for all you know, they have mentioned his condition in the past, and this has upset him, so now they don't do it any more. My dses are young adults now, and have all had things that they haven't wanted me to mention to other people - and I have respected that.

londonrach · 02/10/2017 09:34

Wow, cant believe ive just read this. Op yabvvvu and abit horrible.

Squarerouteofsquirrel · 02/10/2017 09:38

No it's none of your business, but it is odd to pretend like you've never heard of autism. Was going to say similar to musereader. Its sounds like they maybe in denial about their son, unfortunately there are people that believe that autism is just another label for naughty kids/ lazy parenting

intergalacticbrexitdisco · 02/10/2017 09:41

'Autism Families'. Jesus Christ.

You're one of those people who thinks they know everything about autism, right? And then tries to tell other people how to manage it, and insodoing actually makes their lives significantly harder.

And this is coming from an autistic adult, with an adult autistic child. Too many people like this!

Kailoer · 02/10/2017 09:48

oP I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks you Abu

Your whole post screams a lack of privacy for the parents and child, you're wanting to be involved in/pry into personal medical details

It's None of your business!

Butt out.

Even the title of this post suggests you feel they should've shared (hiding?! No, just not wanting to share with you,. Non close friend or family member).

Horrible post/attitude!

missarcher · 02/10/2017 09:54

I've come back this thread like 3 times and still a little angry about what you've said!!
There's only an elephant in the room because your making one, you don't even know what if anything their son has and yet your instantly jumping to "their ashamed", even if their son is diagnosed, your a client/student, NOT a friend, which means you have zero right to any going ons in their home life. And given that you have so much experience in ASD you'd know that every child presents differently and not all strategies work for every child, therefore just because they may know their child's needs it doesn't mean they're automatically going to know yours.

SilverySurfer · 02/10/2017 10:11

Despite virtually 100% agreement that YABU I don't think you get it. You are at liberty to discuss your son's ASD with the instructor to enable him to get the best from training. The instructor is under no obligation to discuss his adult son with you, regardless if he has ASD or not. It is quite simply none of your business.

Clandestino · 02/10/2017 10:14

FFS, you are so BU, you should get an olympic medal.
Why does it matter to you? It's none of your business. Don't stick your oar where it doesn't belong to. You know nothing of their circumstances so take off your judgy pants.
I admire people who are so bored with their lives that they feel like they need to give this attention to someone else's.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread