Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - instructor hiding his son's obvious ASD

125 replies

Rollforneed · 01/10/2017 22:05

I am feeling a bit 'frustrated' by a situation. My DS (13) is taking karate. When I signed him up I was honest and said he is on the spectrum, might take longer to learn, need instructions repeated, etc. I usually do this because, well, it makes life easier and I do so in a very private manner, not shouting it out in front of people as I do value my DS privacy but I know inevitably something will require some help.

Well, when I signed him up and mentioned this, the instructor's (sensei's) wife who administers the class made a face. I didn't know if they didn't like having ASD or SEN students but she accepted him so I ignored. Fast forward a few months and it is completely obvious that the instructors adult son, who is a blackbelt (he's perfectly fine at karate), clearly has something going on, whether its autism or not. I am pretty sure it's autism as I have had many years experience around the autism community (my DS is in a SN class, we've have at least 10 kids on the spectrum over multiple times over the years, I belong to an ASD community group, I am actively involved in the classroom, etc). The thing is, it is not admitted that the adult son has autism, although it is blatantly obvious. I realized why the wife made the face, because their son has it, but they are hiding it.

Now I get not everyone wants people to know this, especially as an adult. Some ASD people like to stay 'in the closet' but recently I had to talk to the instructor about some issues my son was having and he pretended (the instructor) like he had no knowledge of special needs whatsoever!!! I mean, we have been at events with the karate group and it is VERY obvious the son has got 'something' different about him whether it's ASD, or something else. My STBXH who is not the most perceptive person noticed within the first five minutes of meeting the son.

AIBU to feel a bit pissed off that here I am discussing my DS's needs with people who are probably lying when they say they don't know anything about special needs? So far I have ignored as it's their choice and privacy, but maybe they shouldn't go so far as to pretend they don't know what I am talking about regarding and special needs?

OP posts:
Whosthemummynow · 01/10/2017 22:27

It doesn't matter how many people with ASD you have met.
Its still none of your fucking business

thenightsky · 01/10/2017 22:27

Before I opened this thread I knew it was going to be about karate. My sons and I do karate, and in our small club there are at least three (that I know of) children/adults with autism. It is known to be good for children with autism (it has been recommend by professionals I believe) and as far as I can see the main benefit seems to be increased confidence and self esteem. So I would strongly encourage your son to continue.

Yeah, me too. My DS is a karate instructor and is on 'the spectrum'. He is a fab teacher and obsessively plans his lessons.

Waytootiredtosleep · 01/10/2017 22:27

Ditto everyone else! Sorry OP

BWN2012 · 01/10/2017 22:28

He is their adult son, it is up to him whether he wants to disclose his medical history. I'd be furious if my parents were discussing my private life at a sports club.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 01/10/2017 22:29

Well they would obviously know if their nephew had downs whereas plenty of people miss high functioning asd. And you've also said that you're not even sure it's asd so why would they necessarily know about it?

NorthernLurker · 01/10/2017 22:30

Hmm you're coming across as rude, intrusive and arrogant op. Is that your intention?

gamerchick · 01/10/2017 22:30

I understand OP, the SN group I’m involved in it’s blatently obvious that mostly their parents are largely undiagnosed. However you say nothing, nothing at all. As long as your son is being accommodated then that’s all that matters.

DotForShort · 01/10/2017 22:30

Absolutely nothing to do with you. The son is an adult. If he chooses to tell you any private information about himself, that is up to him. It is certainly not up to his parents to reveal that information unless he explicitly wants them to. The instructor and his wife are under no obligation to discuss anything about their son with you.

JonSnowsWife · 01/10/2017 22:31

Well how do you know they're ashamed of it just because they chose not to talk about it? Confused

My son is very obvious when you first meet him. There was still only three people at his previous school that was aware of my suspicions because it fucking hurt fighting like hell for him every day and getting nowhere. I'm not ashamed of it at all. I still don't tell people who don't need to know. Its not their business. Sometimes it was just easier keeping my mouth shut than having to vent frustratingly all over again and it falling on deaf ears. Schools need to know. Its their business as his behaviour can display there. I don't need to let the lifeguard of the pool know when I take him swimming. It's not relevant.

MrsJayy · 01/10/2017 22:31

Everybodies experiences are different though they don't have to disclose anything to you so you can bond. they might not know their son has differences or maybe seeing your son as an individual and not just ASD so are asking about his needs.

Original poster
Rollforneed · 01/10/2017 22:31

Oh - sorry ripple I thought you meant me.

Olennas - yes the wife made a face when I first mentioned it. It is something I usually keep private but sometimes my son has some difficulties.

OP posts:
PlatformNineAndThreeQuarters · 01/10/2017 22:31

I don't think the OP was expecting them to divulge anything about their son, just that she was anticipating some kind of acknowledgement that they understand SNs

AtSea1979 · 01/10/2017 22:32

YABU and I can well imagine the conversation with your husband about someone's else's child (albeit an adult).

astrotel · 01/10/2017 22:33

Why does it matter? I have a hidden condition- I don't go around telling everyone about it- a few know. I could give myself the badge of disabled if I wanted to but it would make no difference to who I am.

Lots of people don't want labels for themselves or their children. Why should someone be the guy with autism and not just John.

Waytootiredtosleep · 01/10/2017 22:34

My AIBU isn't 'are they obliged' to tell me if their son has it. More like it is getting ridiculous to be discussing it like it's not there?

But they r not discussing anything apart from your sons needs which you are bringing to them OP. Which is what u r annoyed about! and what everyone is telling you u r unreasonable to be annoyed about because it's none of your business!

I'd quit while you're behind OP

Original poster
Rollforneed · 01/10/2017 22:34

I really didn't mean to come across as entitled or nosy or whatever. I get people want their privacy. I haven't said a peep to them to hint that I wonder what's going on with the son. I honestly haven't tried to insinuate anything or ask about anything. I have left it private.

OP posts:
ZerbaPadnaTigre · 01/10/2017 22:35

Even if he has got autism or similar, people slip through the net. He might not have a diagnosis or he might have a late diagnosis he's never discussed with them. Or maybe they're not all that interested in their children so they've never even Googled it. Maybe they're in denial. Maybe they think SEN stuff is school's responsibility. Not all parents are good parents. Even if the instructor's son does have ASD, it doesn't mean he knows anything about it.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 01/10/2017 22:35

Well maybe they don't know much about sn? Maybe the son doesn't have sn but behaves atypically due to mh/brain injury from an accident/quirky personality. Maybe he has hf asd and they are unaware as are many parents of adults diagnosed on their 30's or 40's.

ToastyFingers · 01/10/2017 22:35

Their son is an ADULT. The instructor shouldn't be discussing his ADULT son's personal information with you, at all, ever.

Original poster
Rollforneed · 01/10/2017 22:36

I should have realized you shouldn't post about a feeling in AIBU! lol!

OP posts:
lookingbeyond40 · 01/10/2017 22:37

What are you wanting to happen OP?

Introduce his son to the class.....'oh and he's autistic by the way....'.

Maybe they don't want to disclose it and it's their right. I don't get why you are so annoyed?

stitchglitched · 01/10/2017 22:38

My son has autism and I would never make assumptions about another child with ASD and their needs. I've encountered the odd person who presumes to know all about my son based on their own experiences of ASD though. I'd be glad the instructor is listening to what you tell him about your son and isn't pretending to be an expert.

Besides which, it is absolutely none of your business.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 01/10/2017 22:38

It's really not up to them to disclose another adult's medical information. Honestly, they may be cringing inside every time you discuss autism as they know what you are taking about but perhaps their adult son has requested that they don't discuss him with people. Which is his right. It is his business. Perhaps he was fed up of people pointing out that he has autism because they "spotted the signs". Perhaps his parents were fed up of it too. Really, you don't need them to confirm it do you?

Spikeyball · 01/10/2017 22:39

When your son is an adult he may not want you discussing his private business with other people.

PurpleDaisies · 01/10/2017 22:42

I really didn't mean to come across as entitled or nosy or whatever. I get people want their privacy.

And yet you say that they shouldn't be ashamed of their son's ASD (the clear implication being that they should talk about it) and they should share the knowledge that you just assume they haveof ASD when you talk to them.

Not wanting to discuss something doesn't mean you're ashamed. It just means you don't want to talk about it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread