MIL and respective family

[thecanaries]

So I hoping for some advice on where to go.
I have been married to DH for 8 years , good marriage and have a DD nearly 3.

My DH's family are from the north and we met down south and I'm lucky that we live near my parents.

DH has a dead beat alcoholic father (divorced) and his mother is very much the matriarch. She's not at all educated (which is fine ) but this has resulted in some extremely ignorant and Unpleasant views at times.

I feel she resents us living far away (we met in London) and blames me. She's got a nasty side (when she talks about her other daughter in law). Anyway I am always extremely polite however my patience is wearing thin now.

My DH and I hired a lovely Cottage in beautiful countryside quite local to all
Of my DHs family so we could have them
Over and some them stayed. My MIL stayed all of time (which was fine) EXCEPT I was just a slave for 5 days. They are a huge family, I cooked fry ups
Every morning , made lunch and a proper
Evening meal daily. 3 of the evening meals were for 12-14 people and every other meal was a minimum for 6 people. I did not receive any help at any point. The dishwasher broke down and I had to hand
Wash (my DH of course helped) but my DHs family Cleared a few plates but MIL did absolutely NOTHING for 5 days. I mean nothing, not Even a plate brought in to the kitchen.

I gave my MIL the nicest room with a lovely en suite as I thought it would be nice for privacy and we squeezed into a tiny double. We spent £750 on the cottage and £350
On the food and drinks for everyone - bit it was a terrible holiday and I feel so angry about it. I ended up having a row with
My DH on the last night as I felt upset and hurt and that my MIL is Being intentionally hurtful. He is not confrontational and always says I'm being "too sensitive " , "it's just the way she is".

She is queen bee but I also am no
Pushover and am getting fed up now. Everytime We have stayed with her I can hand on heart Say I have washed up EVERY Meal she has cooked and make her cups
Of tea etc etc. I didn't expect her to do loads
But I have felt doing nothing was a
Clear snub. Not One plate was Brought into the kitchen When she finished eating.

My DH family are all a bit like that , I want my daughter to have a relationship with them and they adore her but I feel like maybe I should ask her if I have upset her recently ?

It's making me not want to
Go there anymore as I'm Made to feel so uncomfortable and I kind of want her to understand (and I don't mean it In a threatening manner) that if she's like this to me then I won't want to Come up and she misses out seeing her son and granddaughter.

My DH wants to hire he same cottage
Next Christmas but at the moment I really don't want to. I feel
Like I'm holding it in so much after the last few years that I might just explode. I don't want this to happen but where next??

Sorry for the long post ! Advice welcome -
Thank you.

So don't cool the food and don't clean up after them?

Why are you doing all the cooking? What was your husband doing?

i am no pushover

I think you might be, though.

So as you cook you say who is washing up after. Not me because I am doing the cooking. Don't cook fry ups for everyone! If you decide to do it send an email saying it wad too much work for you alone and if there are say 4 families each takes a turn cooking and takeaway (split bill) on final night.

Personally just don't book it. If DH wants to he can do the work

Yes he was helping of
Course. I wouldn't just not feed my husband or MIL. Next time
Of Course we won't be doing the big meals - although if we do Christmas, that is inevitable. The issue is how
Do I deal with MIL who feels She is entitled to behave like this. I'm actually a strong character and I do have the confidence to speak to her about it (she however being this strong matriarch I know would crumble as she likes to be the bitch behind backs and would struggle with the confrontation).

I've just had enough and I want her to know I am not going to take it anymore and that she has more to lose.

My DH and I are beginning to argue about it.

I think we share the same mil ! When you go to hers don’t make her drinks ect or wash up as she hasn’t bothered to help you . Treat her how she deserves to be treated. As for hosting people don’t do breakfasts and if you will host at xmas if you do cook don’t clear up just leave it you’ve done enough ! It’s not fair that you have to cater too her or anyone else . She needs to know you mean business so stop trying so hard and she’ll soon realise that she has to pull her wait be not expect to be looked after

Good luck 😉

Tickety I really am not a push over - it's the opposite I have a temper actually but fundamentally I am polite and don't want to upset my husband. Historically we have always stayed at my MILs tiny 1.5 bed flat so the ball has always been in her court as she is hosting us.

I don't hold Back with my husband - I've called her a selfish bitch to his face and I've told her I don't actually Like her etc in the heat of the moment but I don't want this to continue - I want her to be more respectful else I'm Worried she's going to get both barrels from me which I don't want to do !

I wouldn't book a cottage again!
I'd book a hotel for the 3 of you.
I certainly wouldn't host Christmas.
And it's not just your Mil that's the issue. Your telling us that none of the other adults helped AT ALL?
Yeah your a pushover but your DH is too soft and as is so often said on MN it's your DH that's the problem.
Stop doing everything. You will never win, you will never have a good relationship with her.
And you will never gt any thanks as she believes she is owed all of this and it's her due.

And sorry, slagging your mil of to your DH doesn't mean your not a pushover.

I wouldn't hire the cottage again
I would only make the shortest possible duty visits
If I was hosting, there would be no breakfast fry ups - breakfast would be toast & cereal and people could help themselves
If they want tea or coffee I would show them where everything is for them to make it themselves
I would cook simple meals that require minimal preparation & clearing up if I could expect noone to help
She's taking the mick & she knows it so I wouldn't put myself in the position of allowing her to do it again.......

"I wouldn't just not feed my husband or MIL."

Why? Presumably these are able-bodied adults who can get their own breakfast and lunch?

I can see that it would be a bit weird to make a big dinner for just you and your daughter, but there's really no reason why you need to take it upon yourself to be cooking everyone's breakfast in the morning.

Just get your DD a bowl of cereal, and make yourself some toast. No fuss or drama.

You can refuse to do any cooking if he insists on this cottage. Tell him if he goes ahead and books, you won't so much as make a single cup of tea for anyone. You will wash up. If he doesn't feed DD you'll take her home. But you will not cook. Does he want to factor in the cost of paying for a maid, or do it himself, or does he want to rethink the plan?

You could compromise on a hotel...

What were the other 12 people doing?

I'm really not a pushover - I actually have a fiery personality but I almost don't want to explode. historically we have always stayed at MILs (only a 1.5 bedroom) and the ball has been in her Court.

She hasn't been down to our house in over 4 years. Would It be fair to Insist to my DH for her to Come and stay at ours that Christmas ?

It was our summer holiday hiring the cottage so yes I did want to
Make nice Meals for everyone to enjoy. The others cleared plates - one person helped
Wash up one meal and some
Potatoes peeled by one other person and
Yes that was truly it

Just don't do it again and keep visits to a minimum. No one is holding a gun to your head to force you to cook and clean. So don't.

I'd tell DH the same thing - yes to the cottage but you won't be cooking or cleaning up after anyone - you've have your turn - you must include no shopping etc as well

Why such a big cottage for 3 of you? Book something smaller and book Xmas dinner out

He's part of the problem

I would get a small cottage for just the three of you. Then go and visit the rest of the family and maybe organise a meal out for you all. I'm sure one meal will be so much cheaper and easier to do then a full trip of meals and entertaining.

How can we do a hotel? I'm
Not paying for MIL and she has
No money. If we do a hotel it means we have to go and visits everyone which I also find truly Miserable. Large family and there are 6 houses to visit. The advantage of the lovely cottage was that it was 20mins for them all and some space for us.

So if none of the other 12 people helped, why are you focusing on your mil?

Why didn't everyone pay their fair share for cottage and food?? Why didn't you do a rota for buy food,cooking and washing up....you let them walk all over you

You may be no pushover but I can't see myself despite being massively conflict averse getting into the same situation.

MIL: I'd like a cup of tea
Me: Stuff's in the cupboard, everyone can help themself

Breakfast: It's everyone help themself

Meals: I've cooked so everyone else can clear up. Plonks self in front of TV or hides in bedroom.

Just don't do it. You were utterly mad to have that sort of holiday and don't agree to ever do it again. Also, children are poor judges of character - don't base your decisions on your DD liking them.

Christmas at your home and she can book a hotel for a planned visit. .
No more Mrs Nice Girl. .
And your dh is a doormat. .

Are you sure you are as assertive as you think?

Lots of people think, "I'm no pushover" because they can really lose the rag and shout/speak up "when it counts". But that's not really assertiveness. Putting up with that treatment the whole holiday and losing the plot at the end isn't assertiveness.

Assertiveness is being calm and clear from the start. Not taking it till you can take it no more. "We'd like you to come over, but there are a lot of people so suggest we divide the cooking, cleaning etc like this..............." and agreeing from the outset who does what. Instead of silently seething, having expectations unmet because you never actually voiced them.

So maybe, do the Christmas but agree in advance who is doing starters, who is doing mains (divide meat, veg, sides), who is doing afters, who prefers not to cook and would like table setting, dish washing, clear up etc. Get it all in advance, print it out and put it in the fridge. Make sure MIL has jobs too. And then see it through. Do your bit and sit there waiting for others to do theirs too. Make arrangements for every day that you have guests beyond your immediate household.

If your DH doesn't want to do it this way- well then he can do it how he pleases. Let him know you'll be available to help, but it's his circus.

Its your holiday too so you should be relaxed and happy sometimes.

Just get some cereals in for breakfast, pop some bread, cheese etc on the table for lunch, then in the evening its takeaway/pub lunch.

There have been a number of threads like this recently and I really don't get it. Why did you do all the cooking and washing up? I bet you did all the planning too? Well frankly more fool you.

At the end of the day you booked the cottage and invited people. Unfortunately most people seem to think that this means they are guests and can do nothing. You made this situation worse for yourself by not saying anything. I agree with others if your DH wants to do it again if you don't want a repeat I would suggest that you tell him/make a list of all the things that you won't be doing so it is crystal clear.