MIL and respective family

[thecanaries]

So I hoping for some advice on where to go.
I have been married to DH for 8 years , good marriage and have a DD nearly 3.

My DH's family are from the north and we met down south and I'm lucky that we live near my parents.

DH has a dead beat alcoholic father (divorced) and his mother is very much the matriarch. She's not at all educated (which is fine ) but this has resulted in some extremely ignorant and Unpleasant views at times.

I feel she resents us living far away (we met in London) and blames me. She's got a nasty side (when she talks about her other daughter in law). Anyway I am always extremely polite however my patience is wearing thin now.

My DH and I hired a lovely Cottage in beautiful countryside quite local to all
Of my DHs family so we could have them
Over and some them stayed. My MIL stayed all of time (which was fine) EXCEPT I was just a slave for 5 days. They are a huge family, I cooked fry ups
Every morning , made lunch and a proper
Evening meal daily. 3 of the evening meals were for 12-14 people and every other meal was a minimum for 6 people. I did not receive any help at any point. The dishwasher broke down and I had to hand
Wash (my DH of course helped) but my DHs family Cleared a few plates but MIL did absolutely NOTHING for 5 days. I mean nothing, not Even a plate brought in to the kitchen.

I gave my MIL the nicest room with a lovely en suite as I thought it would be nice for privacy and we squeezed into a tiny double. We spent £750 on the cottage and £350
On the food and drinks for everyone - bit it was a terrible holiday and I feel so angry about it. I ended up having a row with
My DH on the last night as I felt upset and hurt and that my MIL is Being intentionally hurtful. He is not confrontational and always says I'm being "too sensitive " , "it's just the way she is".

She is queen bee but I also am no
Pushover and am getting fed up now. Everytime We have stayed with her I can hand on heart Say I have washed up EVERY Meal she has cooked and make her cups
Of tea etc etc. I didn't expect her to do loads
But I have felt doing nothing was a
Clear snub. Not One plate was Brought into the kitchen When she finished eating.

My DH family are all a bit like that , I want my daughter to have a relationship with them and they adore her but I feel like maybe I should ask her if I have upset her recently ?

It's making me not want to
Go there anymore as I'm Made to feel so uncomfortable and I kind of want her to understand (and I don't mean it In a threatening manner) that if she's like this to me then I won't want to Come up and she misses out seeing her son and granddaughter.

My DH wants to hire he same cottage
Next Christmas but at the moment I really don't want to. I feel
Like I'm holding it in so much after the last few years that I might just explode. I don't want this to happen but where next??

Sorry for the long post ! Advice welcome -
Thank you.

And lunch and dinner etc etc

Ha, no wonder your DH wants to book the cottage and do it again, why pay extra to stay at a hotel when you can spend less on a cottage and have you skivvying after all his family. Let him book it, let him cook, clean and skivvy this time, see how keen he'll be when he has to do all the hosting...

As with so many posts on here---Yes, you are being a pushover no matter what you say! Fine-you may be fiery, but you haven't been remotely assertive and have acted like a servant for his whole family. Also, you have a DH problem, not a mother in law problem.

Book a small cottage for just you lot and use it as a base to visit people or invite individuals/families round for a 'bring a plate' meal. You obviously haven't made it clear enough to your DH how miserable that holiday made you or he wouldn't be talking about booking it again. Talk so that he listens.

"The reality is I do t want to spend any time with them
Anymore. It wasn't always so bad"

So don''t. Let dh take the children to visit. Sorted.

That wasn't what DH was thinking. He cottage is at the bottom
Of fells and a lovely swimming river. The location is stunning and we wanted to do some walking. There was no time for it as we BOTH cooked and cleaned. DH pretty much shared all the work. He was annoyed at his family too

Don't do it again. It sounds like a nice idea in theory but it hasn't panned out unfortunately. That kind of behaviour isn't uncommon from MILs. Mine does it and I've heard other people say the same. My dm is actually worse than my mil believe it or not. I've hosted many things and she's not lifted a finger before, during or after. As a result I won't do any more family events, for my side anyway. Some people are just bone idol.

No, you aren't assertive at all. You are upset and lashing out at the only person who you feel safe to do so with. That isn't being assertive. Your DH is the same. Neither of you are tackling the problem - you are just sounding off at each other.

However - I personally don't think the situation itself is fixable - at least, not in the way you envisage. MIL won't change. She has a chip on her shoulder about you, is insecure and a bit of a boor - that isn't going to change. Christmases and holidays aren't going to be a different experience with her, ever.

What can and SHOULD change is your approach, and your husband's idea of where his loyalties lie.

This is the conversation that will never happen:

You -'She was really rude, I will not holiday/Christmas together again until she pulls her weight and treats me with respect'
DH- 'You are right! Mother - I won't have my wife and our family treated like this. Please show respect and help out and treat my wife properly'
MIL -'You're right, I'm so sorry.'

This is the conversation that should happen:

You-'No, I'm not going to book that cottage again or spend Christmas as hostess. She's rude and chippy and I get treated badly. It's a crap way to spend Christmas and I'm not setting that up as the norm for our family. I don't want our children to grow up dreading shitty rude Granny coming and Mum being in a mood and Dad creeping round like a whipped dog being the norm. In future, we'll either stay here and they're welcome to come to a hotel for three nights or so and we'll foot the bill, or we have separate Christmases, or we go there every third Xmas or so and we'll stay at a hotel. Those are all reasonable suggestions which don't cut her out. If you're not loyal enough to us as your family and me as your wife to be ok with that, and only me skivvying for her so as not to upset her is good enough, then we aren't going to work long term'.

DH thinks we should only invite his MIL
For 2 nights and do pub meals and not the big cooking.

All of this is fine and we won't be repeating. The main issue for me is that I fee furious at them All and my Feelings are unresolved. The problem Is I don't want to go up Anymore. That's the issue. I feel trapped in these near week long stints and don't want to do it anymore. That's my main issue here.

"Who were all the other people? Why is this just on MIL's shoulders if not on yours?"

I've asked that several times. No answer. If the family want to put mil on a pedestal then that's up to them-some families do that with a matriarch. But there were still 12 other people to cook and clean and wash up.

Then don't do it any more, then.

Well don't go

I did the same and DH has never taken any of the kids up to see his family as he wants to go drinking with his friends and have a blast - can't do that with 3 kids and a hangover. His choice.

Your DH really is the problem here.

The bottom line is - he has a family now. He can't have it both ways. So far in life he's managed to stay on side with what sound like a bunch of bullies because he's put himself second.

But now putting himself second means he shits on his wife and kids.

Point that out to him and say - it's your choice.

And if you really are not a pushover, then start making waves.

It is ok to stick up for yourself.
It is ok to 'upset your husband' if he isn't being fair.
It is ok to abandon a side of the family if they are shit even if you DO have children. In fact, it's the responsible thing to do - you don't willingly go along with a dysfunctional set up.
It is ok to 'explode' and it's time you did.

If you don't want to go up at all then you need to have that conversation with your OH - if you're happy enough to see them for two nights then only stay that long : if you book for longer, you're likely to end up with visitors for longer.
Personally, I'd let my OH take the older children and you stay behind with the baby/bump. I did that for a few New Years when my OH went on outward-bound type trips that I'd have hated. The first time I argued and refused to go; the next time he just booked and didn't count me in - both times were wonderful!!

DH thinks we should only invite his MIL For 2 nights and do pub meals and not the big cooking.

• what, you just get shit on a little bit instead of loads, special treat because it's Christmas?

The main issue for me is that I fee furious at them All and my Feelings are unresolved. The problem Is I don't want to go up Anymore. That's the issue. I feel trapped in these near week long stints and don't want to do it anymore. That's my main issue here.

It isn't an issue at all. You tell him you had a shit time and you aren't going again. They aren't pleasant people. Until they change, you're only going to agree to very different scenarios for meeting. No week long visits, no self catering, no big groups.

DH is just so weak with her - it's exasperating. I feel he's happy to have me permanently upset rather than stand up for our family.

-this is the nub of it.
This is what has to change.
Dig your heels in and DON'T go along with it anymore.
All you are doing by 'not wanting to upset him' is facilitating him putting MIL first.

So you're annoyed that you and DH had a row and she may have heard but didn't come speak to you? I bet you would have been mad if she did come speak to you as then she would have been eavesdropping.

You sound like a pushover, I'm sorry but you do. You did not have to be the slave all weekend. You did that. You martyred yourself to support your argument. An assured person would have said after the first day that you had done your share of the cooking and tag someone else in. Or say 'as I cooked, Bill, Maggy, would you mind doing the dishes?'

Bertrand
Didn't op say her dh is one of 4 so I imagine the others are spouses and children.

Bertrand to clarify DH has older brothers and sisters. He is the youngest by quite few years.

The 12 Account for siblings and other halves and also DH nephews and nieces (5 in total) aged 18-28 .

The problem is that when he says you're "being "too sensitive " , "it's just the way she is" he actually means it. Because he's been trained by her to believe that he has no right to object to anything she does, otherwise she'll pile on the guilt.

The only way this will change is if he does. He has to decide that the way she treats you is unacceptable and something that he SHOULD be objecting to and in the strongest possible terms. If he won't come to that decision, and will always put his mother's wishes before your needs, then I'm afraid you've got more to think about that what you do for Christmas.

There's no way you should be the slave and a victim of bullying and tantrums. But 'D'H has to have your back. He isn't a nice guy - at least not when his mother is around. He's a spineless wimp who will throw you to the lions rather than have his mother even slightly upset. And however harsh it sounds the only way to get rid of your MiL may be to part company with him, otherwise you'll have this for the rest of her life (and afterwards if he won't stand up for you with his sibs either).

And please, please don't say to her that you're 'afraid you might have upset her'. Why should you take the blame for HER attitude?

The problem Is I don't want to go up Anymore. That's the issue. I feel trapped in these near week long stints and don't want to do it anymore. That's my main issue here.

Then don't go - it's that simple.
DH can go on his own. When the kids are old enough, he can take them, unless you think his family are so toxic you don't want the kids exposed to them. You really don't have to be involved unless you choose to be. It would be more difficult if he was constantly inviting them to your home.

You can't do right for doing wrong. If MIL doesn't like you, for whatever spurious reason, there is no hoop you can magically jump through to change that and suddenly make her be nice. She is who she is - all you can do is stop letting her affect you so much, and if cutting contact is the way to do that then that's what to do.

Penggwyn
Indeed. And the n&n are lazy gits as well considering their age.

As your mil is getting on in years and depending on her levels of fitness, I perhaps wouldn't have expected too much help from her. Bringing plates and cups back would be a minimum and I would have thought she could peel some potatoes or do the veg etc. As for the others, lazy, ignorant arses, disgusting behaviour.