MIL and respective family

[thecanaries]

So I hoping for some advice on where to go.
I have been married to DH for 8 years , good marriage and have a DD nearly 3.

My DH's family are from the north and we met down south and I'm lucky that we live near my parents.

DH has a dead beat alcoholic father (divorced) and his mother is very much the matriarch. She's not at all educated (which is fine ) but this has resulted in some extremely ignorant and Unpleasant views at times.

I feel she resents us living far away (we met in London) and blames me. She's got a nasty side (when she talks about her other daughter in law). Anyway I am always extremely polite however my patience is wearing thin now.

My DH and I hired a lovely Cottage in beautiful countryside quite local to all
Of my DHs family so we could have them
Over and some them stayed. My MIL stayed all of time (which was fine) EXCEPT I was just a slave for 5 days. They are a huge family, I cooked fry ups
Every morning , made lunch and a proper
Evening meal daily. 3 of the evening meals were for 12-14 people and every other meal was a minimum for 6 people. I did not receive any help at any point. The dishwasher broke down and I had to hand
Wash (my DH of course helped) but my DHs family Cleared a few plates but MIL did absolutely NOTHING for 5 days. I mean nothing, not Even a plate brought in to the kitchen.

I gave my MIL the nicest room with a lovely en suite as I thought it would be nice for privacy and we squeezed into a tiny double. We spent £750 on the cottage and £350
On the food and drinks for everyone - bit it was a terrible holiday and I feel so angry about it. I ended up having a row with
My DH on the last night as I felt upset and hurt and that my MIL is Being intentionally hurtful. He is not confrontational and always says I'm being "too sensitive " , "it's just the way she is".

She is queen bee but I also am no
Pushover and am getting fed up now. Everytime We have stayed with her I can hand on heart Say I have washed up EVERY Meal she has cooked and make her cups
Of tea etc etc. I didn't expect her to do loads
But I have felt doing nothing was a
Clear snub. Not One plate was Brought into the kitchen When she finished eating.

My DH family are all a bit like that , I want my daughter to have a relationship with them and they adore her but I feel like maybe I should ask her if I have upset her recently ?

It's making me not want to
Go there anymore as I'm Made to feel so uncomfortable and I kind of want her to understand (and I don't mean it In a threatening manner) that if she's like this to me then I won't want to Come up and she misses out seeing her son and granddaughter.

My DH wants to hire he same cottage
Next Christmas but at the moment I really don't want to. I feel
Like I'm holding it in so much after the last few years that I might just explode. I don't want this to happen but where next??

Sorry for the long post ! Advice welcome -
Thank you.

Pengynn some
Of the siblings were round quite a lot and but other were invited with their respective family for dinner. I.e. I made a chicken pie and by the time they arrived I had cooked it so they couldn't help Make it.

I've said I'm annoyed at the others but MIL was particularly unfriendly to me and Barry spoke to me. One of the nieces is lovely (aged 28) she helped peel potatoes one night and is a laugh and friendly.

My issue was MIL was a bitch and I had clearly been thoughtful giving her a lovely room with the only ensuite (she knows this)

Of for sure next time
It will be minimum back from me too. But I guess I'm worried she will 'cry' to my DH that I am horrible to her and won't come and stay and DH will blame me. We are heading this way.

I wouldn't have really wanted my MIL to slave cooking. She is in her 70/s -
I was expecting a few niceties, gratefulness and clear plates. None of which I got

I agree, it does seem that the MIL is getting the blame for all of it, when the other adults should be chipping in.

I agree with the PP who say that you should hire a small cottage just for the 3 of you and maybe just meet up with them for meals out, that way there's no chance of them taking advantage of you the way they have.

And I'm sorry but your DH needs to have your back with this.

I don't really understand why you did all that work? Your post does make you sound like a total martyr.

However, I would not repeat it. You don't like the idea of going and staying in a hotel with DH and the DC because then you will have to visit people, but this is the only way to get your power back and maintain relations.

You won't have to visit every single home if you plan it properly - so BIL is at SILs for example. You will be the guest so you just sit there and be waited on. My friend does this, she has a similar situation. She makes sure she and her DC have eaten and drunk and then she can just sit back and wait for someone else to put the kettle on/offer food.

The only other alternative is a big bust up between you and DH and separate Christmases. When is your baby due?

Your initial mistake, as I am sure you realise now, was in marrying a pathetic mummys boy.

If she doesn't come, cries and blames you, good for her (silly woman). You then just have to stand up to your dh as he's the real issue. Don't let him guilt trip you. His mother is rude. It is her rudeness that has created your dislike of her. Don't explain yourself.

It's a 7 hour drive (near Scotland) and I wouldn't want my DH doing that drive alone with DD and an baby. Normally we have to stay off the motorway hotel each way to split the journey up and then stay 5 nights so it's a 8.5 day trip in reality. Just awful being so far away!

I agree with happypoobum. This is exactly what I was alluding to upthread.

He gets so upset when I tell
Him that his family are awful and I hate going up. He rarely loses his cool but he totally does over this. It could Literally end our marriage I think sometimes.

"wouldn't want my DH doing that drive alone with DD and an baby."

Why on earth not? Or he could take dd and you stay home with the baby- long car journeys aren't good for babies anyway.

My dh used to be the same. Now he accepts his father is a pia. He totally refused to admit it for a long time.

My mother is a matriarch and a narcissist. It is incredibly difficult to accept there's an issue with your parent so I totally get where your dh is coming from. He's been trained to believe her view of the world is the correct one. Your job to help extricate him if your marriage is to survive.

I did all that ' work'as it was our summer holiday too. We didn't go abroad that year.

I did the Tescos shop at home and had meal planned and we like a fry up on holidays and I could hardly make just us a fry up/ lunch/ dinner.

I have never really been with MIL outside of her house so I didn't know she was going to do nothing. It was a first . I'm not a martyr as I bloody won't do it again. It was not fun. The dishwasher in the cottage was broken which was hideous as all these huge meals had to be hand washed. I talked about how I liked the cottage but with the broken dishwasher the washing up was 'brutal'. Expecting some people
To take the bait. No one did.

Obviously I have learnt by this. This issue is what we do next as I don't want a repeat but DH needs to see his family. If I was a martyr I would do it again. That's not happening ever.

Wrt to that comment Bertrand. Personally I wouldn't be ok with my dh taking my child amongst this pack of vultures when he is so much in the FOG.

He gets so upset when I tell Him that his family are awful and I hate going up.
He would, wouldn't he?!? You told him that his mother is awful! She is, I agree with you, but my point is that really you are not being assertive, actually.

My inlaws have tendencies to take the piss like this - I've never had a meal in any of their houses but they've all been to stay for days here. Fed up of going to see them all (there's 4 siblings within 20 mins of MIL) and always buying them a pub meal and then having to drive 2.5 hours home because no one would offer to put us up, we started to hire a cottage. Which translated into every one showing up for food.

Nowadays DH takes whichever child he can persuade, they do a day trip with a cafe lunch. He refuses to pay for anyone other than MIL and then she provides a sandwich tea.

Yes the relationship is not ideal but we are just not on their radar. So because we are not around in the same way, they don't have the same relationship with us as each other. And so they don't care if they take the piss in rocking up and eat all our food without clearing up, there's nothing invested in the relationship. And if they are all doing it, what's wrong with that, it must be ok, right?

Re the baby - tell him you're breastfeeding. That's that plan scuppered.

If you don't want to visit them so often I bloody wouldn't then just don't. Life is too short. Let him take DD, just not at Christmas, for a trip. You can luxuriate at home, have some 1:1 time with the baby if they have arrived, or with friends.

Don't set this up as a power battle between you and MIL. She is far enough away that you can avoid that scenario but I do agree with PP that your idea of being assertive is coming across as "blowing your top/confrontation" There is a middle ground here where you don't tell ILS all about themselves, but you don't engage with them hardly at all.

Bertrand we have a flat car seat and that's why we stay over overnight as only do 3 hour stint at a time which is why it takes so so long and is a hideous trip to have to do.

I was just saying you could use that as the reason you and the baby stay home while dp and dd go to visit.

Sounds to me like you're looking for things to blame your MIL for.

She was one of 12 adults that didn't help out but all of your issues are about her. She wasn't sufficiently grateful for being allocated a nice room. She didn't pay you enough niceties. You want her to change or you won't let her see her grandchildren.

I don't agree you're assertive. You sound like a passive aggressive martyr. An assertive person would say, we've booked the cottage, you're welcome to stay, here are the rules. To ALL of the family.

I feel a bit sorry for your DH's mother. She doesn't see him or the GCs very often. I can see why he won't want to upset her. You have your family around you all the time. Maybe you should cut her some slack?

Problem Is MIL is such a strong matriarch she has made DH believe it's normal and fears her slightly (?) she did so good job bringing up 4 children alone while her marriage dissolved due to FIL alcoholism. Sadly it's made her bitter and negative but DH sees her on a pedal stool as the amazing parent - and I guess she was the stability he needed And she does Care for all her children. But anyone else is treated badly. Only the DILs interestingly. DH is effectively brainwashed! He also simply does not. Price her for example being unfriendly and barely speaking gto me and says "it's in my head" thing is he needs to stat listening as it's the end of the road for me soon.

Olly ok best to have to put up with her racist, homophobic views as well as her behaviour towards me. It's difficult to cut her slack now as she can be quite a cow. I've only ever been polite to her.

I never expect people to 'take the bait' when we have family, dos, because ime, they never do.

You have to actually ASK them to help clear, washup etc. In our house, with the ILs and extended family round, it usually boils down to two reasons why no-one ever helps

1. Because its our house. ILs (and SIL as she lives with them still) run round when we go over to theirs and won't hear of us helping tidy or wash up, but at our house, its the other way round. Its never been explicitly stated, but I think its to do with the expectation that whoever is hosting does ALL the work.

2. People don't want to get in the way of your kitchen mojo - either in the way of the cooking or tidying etc (I'm dubious about this one tho tbh...)

theres also a 3) which is due to lazybastarditis

You said yourself she's uneducated. She probably just doesn't know how one is supposed to behave. You are taking it too personally. Next time just ask her for some help. I know it feels rude but I doubt that she will notice.

I'm sorry. Off topic.

Pedal stool?

Sorry Pedalstal