MIL and respective family

[thecanaries]

So I hoping for some advice on where to go.
I have been married to DH for 8 years , good marriage and have a DD nearly 3.

My DH's family are from the north and we met down south and I'm lucky that we live near my parents.

DH has a dead beat alcoholic father (divorced) and his mother is very much the matriarch. She's not at all educated (which is fine ) but this has resulted in some extremely ignorant and Unpleasant views at times.

I feel she resents us living far away (we met in London) and blames me. She's got a nasty side (when she talks about her other daughter in law). Anyway I am always extremely polite however my patience is wearing thin now.

My DH and I hired a lovely Cottage in beautiful countryside quite local to all
Of my DHs family so we could have them
Over and some them stayed. My MIL stayed all of time (which was fine) EXCEPT I was just a slave for 5 days. They are a huge family, I cooked fry ups
Every morning , made lunch and a proper
Evening meal daily. 3 of the evening meals were for 12-14 people and every other meal was a minimum for 6 people. I did not receive any help at any point. The dishwasher broke down and I had to hand
Wash (my DH of course helped) but my DHs family Cleared a few plates but MIL did absolutely NOTHING for 5 days. I mean nothing, not Even a plate brought in to the kitchen.

I gave my MIL the nicest room with a lovely en suite as I thought it would be nice for privacy and we squeezed into a tiny double. We spent £750 on the cottage and £350
On the food and drinks for everyone - bit it was a terrible holiday and I feel so angry about it. I ended up having a row with
My DH on the last night as I felt upset and hurt and that my MIL is Being intentionally hurtful. He is not confrontational and always says I'm being "too sensitive " , "it's just the way she is".

She is queen bee but I also am no
Pushover and am getting fed up now. Everytime We have stayed with her I can hand on heart Say I have washed up EVERY Meal she has cooked and make her cups
Of tea etc etc. I didn't expect her to do loads
But I have felt doing nothing was a
Clear snub. Not One plate was Brought into the kitchen When she finished eating.

My DH family are all a bit like that , I want my daughter to have a relationship with them and they adore her but I feel like maybe I should ask her if I have upset her recently ?

It's making me not want to
Go there anymore as I'm Made to feel so uncomfortable and I kind of want her to understand (and I don't mean it In a threatening manner) that if she's like this to me then I won't want to Come up and she misses out seeing her son and granddaughter.

My DH wants to hire he same cottage
Next Christmas but at the moment I really don't want to. I feel
Like I'm holding it in so much after the last few years that I might just explode. I don't want this to happen but where next??

Sorry for the long post ! Advice welcome -
Thank you.

I think your contempt for her no doubt shows in RL and she doesn't have to be educated to pick up on that so she may have had no intention of helping you or showing gratitude. If your OH has grown up with a dead beat alcoholic father, and matriarch mother perhaps this is why he is a people pleaser. That doesn't make him a bad person but he may find it difficult to confront his mother or family.

He may feel very protective of his mother, growing up as they did and you called her a Bitch and then tell him that you don't like his family and don't want to go? Yet you were so hurt by his sister calling your DM a snob you cried and wanted him to tell his sister off? Come on OP don't take your anger and frustration out on him. Being fiery and having a temper is not the same as being assertive.

7 hours is not too bad a drive a grown man can do this alone with a child or if not he can visit alone and for shorter periods. My in-laws are very difficult, over 26 years of trying, I could not last a week with them, so you really don't need that pressure, and perhaps his DM doesn't look forward to spending a week with you either? win win

I do go out of my way to spend time with my in-laws occasionally with my DH because it means so much to him, but he totally appreciates it and helps out. He does the majority of visits on his own and my interaction has reduced over the years. Our children and grandchildren do not have a close relationship with them but they haven't been over exposed to their ways at a young age either.

If you have to compromise and book a cottage then make sure that all expectations are managed before hand. If your DH wants to do everything for his mother then let it be him that does it, with you choosing when to help. If you invite guests around make sure they are not expecting to be waited on hand and foot every night. I'm not sure a week at Christmas would be a good idea has your DH thought about Christmas Day? Who will cook clean etc?

Sorry mate but I agree with the others who say you are not being assertive at all.

You can't drop hints and hope people 'take the bait'. Just have a calm, cheerful approach and say up front "right, it's a lovely big group so we will all have to chip in with cooking / washing up - who wants to do Monday / Tuesday?" Etc.

I'm afraid you are a pushover if you sat and did all that work for a whole week without so much as asking someone to do one night of washing up

Come on OP! You can do it x

I think it's also pretty bloody pathetic that you cried over his sister calling your mum a snob and expected him to tell her off.... yet you call his mother a bitch to his face and don't see any problem with that?
Indicates to me that you are delusional. You sound very immature.

You said yourself she is uneducated. She probably just doesn't know how one is supposed to behave

Good point. Dd goes to school with a boy, who is incredibly rude. He came over on a play date (never again) when he was 8. I asked something about the conversation he and dd were having and he retorted "none of your business". I explained this was rude and he said he didn't know. He was constantly rude actually. Even said the eff word. I told his mother just about the one thing. And I can bet she laughed and pulled faces insinuating I'm a snob when the door shut on me.

I've also had to train fil to say thank you. He never said thank you on any of his visits. I got really fed up so on one of his visits and I asked dh to get him to send me a thank you card. Fil is a pia. Baboon arms, which dangle to the floor for all the help I get.

OP I think you are realising that you haven't been assertive at all, aren't you?

Personally I think it would be good now if you could wipe the slate clean. After all, you've been a bit martyr-ish, your in-laws have taken advantage...it's all a bit 6 of one and half dozen of the other isn't it. Playing devils advocate, it's actually quite hard to be around someone you don't know who seems to be doing everything in their own home (for their own holiday rental). You never quite know if they actually want you to help, how to chip in etc. You, after all, set about getting food, planning meals etc without asking opinions/contributions, didn't you?

So STOP, wipe the slate clean. No passive aggressive game playing, no passive aggressive responses. No whining/ bitching etc. Try to recognise how you've contributed to the dynamics -expectations without clear communication, not being calmly assertive about your expectations from the outset, bending over backwards to please and putting yourself out without being asked to do so and then feeling affronted that your unnecessary efforts haven't been rewarded etc...

Just restart your approach to how you interact with them. Relax, be calm, be yourself.

Make efforts to visit your husbands family, but do in a way that is practical and reasonable to you.

Don't accept bigoted behaviour -but just say something calm at the first mention -"I know attitudes vary, but I'd prefer not to hear that kind of view, especially not in front if the children. Thanks for your understanding".

Stop holding it all in. Start letting people know what you think and feel, let them know what your expectations are. Everyone will be happier for it for sure. You'll stop that cycle of building conflict and marriage damaging angry explosions.

There are very few people who aren't glad of a bit of clear and direct communication. And to add a stereotype to it (sorry) the further north you live, the more direct the communication, the better. Honestly, polite Southerners can be a very confusing bunch for northerners to be around at times ;-)

And if they don't like it, well you've been clear and calm and no one can ask much more.

Sayyouwill it was my wedding day! She was tipsy and I introduced her to my mum and my mum said hello and chatted. My mum left and SIL put her finger to her nose (did a piggy impression) and said "your mam's a bit of a snob isn't she?" We didn't know each other that well for it to be funny or banter. Just downright rude.

That is unacceptable behaviour on someone's Wedding day . Fair enough to cry (at 1 am when we were in bed)

She sounds like the boy and his mum I described. No manners. Not brought up to have any.

I would be tempted to book a hotel for you, your DH and kids near his parents and only meet them for meals out. That way, you’ll be able to meet them on your terms but also have a break whenever you need it.

I have a similar situation with my sister so I can totally empathise. Every Sunday I cook dinner for my elderly parents and always included my sister and her husband. They would often not let me know if they were coming or not, never offered to bring anything, never helped tidy up afterwards and never ever invited us back. Once they phoned to cancel as I was just dishing all the food up. We are always on a budget every week so sometimes it was a struggle to cook a 3 course meal for 8. Eventually I got so pissed off I just stopped inviting them. I now just do it for my mum and dad as they need the help. We have had similar situations in shared holiday cottages and now I am just not rushing into booking with them again. I'd rather go with friends where we all take turns rather than being treated as a slave it's no holiday for you. I would limit it as much as you can xxx

thecanaries

Sayyouwill it was my wedding day! She was tipsy and I introduced her to my mum.... she said your mums a bit of a snob... That is unacceptable behaviour on someones wedding day ...fair enough to cry

You've lost me OP how is this unacceptable behaviour and yet it is acceptable behaviour to call his sister a drunkard, his father a deadbeat alcoholic, his mother an uneducated northern bitch etc etc. to your husbands face and on a public forum??

Perhaps his sister thinks your DM is a snob, and doesn't think her DM is all of the things you say she is, perhaps she is right, who knows? His sisters was a one off comment made when tipsy yours is a sustained attack. You are coming over as precious and superior, your feelings do not surpass your DH's.

I think you made a mistaken calling his mother names - and you need to turn it round

This isn't about 'her' it's about you

I was upset that nobody helped
I was annoyed nobody said thank you
I'm hurt that we paid X for food and nobody contributed
I'm sad that my holiday was ruined because I spent all day cooking and washing up

Next time I'm not cooking at all, and I'm not shopping

What I need you to do is .... sort out the visits and we need some family time walking like we said we would

We didn't get to do any fun stuff last time and holidays are too precious to waste on entertaining everybody - they should invite US to dinner not expect US to provide and pay for everything

Basically what @Nanna50 said.
Your SIL made an inappropriate comment and you cried about it later on... an assertive person would have told her that her comment was inappropriate and unappreciated rather than staying silent and being furious that your DH didn't fight your battle for you.
You've made several nasty comments regarding his family, not just his MiL, and yet are annoyed that he doesn't share your PoV. You're annoyed that he hasn't taken your nasty comments the way you wanted him too and has had his feelings hurt.

I admit I once called her a 'selfish bitch' in anger discussing the holiday about 2
Days later. I apologised for the bitch part but I did say I stand by the selfish part. Not my proudest moment but I was annoyed that our only family holiday was so crap and labourious for me. I did more cooking, cleaning and housework on holiday than at home and as you can imagine that made me feel resentful and angry which is when I voiced this.

Why do you describe your dh as 'helping' you. Is it because cooking for everyone like a slave is wife work. You were on holiday and invited them alll round for full catering jeez are you some kind of martyr setting them all up to fail and then rant at your dh when they have left. Yes you do need to seriously think about your assertiveness op or you will keep seething with resentment. Hanging out with them if you don't like them is fake.

I definitely agree that you need to face your MIL and other inlaws and speak up for yourself. Not just complain afterwards to your DH. And just make sure you don’t let yourself be put upon.

It may be that they didn’t realise that you weren’t happy with the arrangement, if you got stuck into doing the work. My SIL is the sort of person who does that. I do help her, but it’s hard to know what’s wanted sometimes.

This is why I suggested a rota before, it’s what we did.

Op. fuck em.
Either DH sees them without you or you behave like adults and give out responsibilities first.

Stop being the passive aggressive martyr. It's a role I've played too long and it's like I'm coming out of a long tunnel. I was such a twat.
They don't have to like you. And you don't have to like them.

And I'm not saying your a twat, I'm saying that I should have realised sooner that my behaviour reflected on me not anyone else.

Can you not fly up and hire a car so that you can visit for shorter periods? 2 nights, 3 tops? My in laws are lovely and I like them very much but a week is a long time even when you like someone!

Sorry if my post reads a bit harsh op, it is easy to judge but I also know how bafflingly difficult family relations can be and how hard it is to be assertive with family. Good luck on your next trip.💐

OP, I get what you're saying (can relate to a lot of it). Personally, I regret not fronting up to my mil years ago - in hindsight, I think she might have respected me more, instead of taking the utter piss of me for years. But hey, can't change things now! I would reassure yourself. You've done the best you can. They live far away and you don't have to see them very often. I would also learn from your mistakes and plan a few phrases to have up your sleeve.

When I suggested a hotel earlier - the way it would be affordable is you book one near MIL and just for you, DH and the dcs. Your mil visits the hotel, and paying for her meals would probably work out cheaper than the whole extended family.

Yes, you'll have to visit them some days, but that will mean each of DH's siblings will take a turn in hosting you, and obviously the prescient has been set that the "guest" sits on their arse like lady muck and the hosts run round after them for the day, you might well enjoy yourself!

A hotel you can escape to, food you might have to pay for, but not cook or clean up, and having the excuse to make others take it in turns to host, might be the perfect compromise - you can't make them behave the way you want, but you can refuse to do things exactly the way DH wants.

Invisible thing is she is agraphobic and claustrophobic (I know ) so everything has to be on her terms. Restaurants are a no go - extreme fussiness and difficulty with food ensues even though we pick up the tab.

Problems are endless - thats the problem!
But thank you for the tips !

However you look at it, it isn't much fun for you is it?

It get more difficult as the kids get older as they want to be out exploring not stuck in with the relies

Would that mean a hotel stay would mean you had to go to her?!

That could be better still, you could model "everyone helping out" behaviour.

I'd tell DH you'll host in your own home, so if they want to do Christmas with you, they travel. If you travel to them, you are expecting to be hosted, not hiring a cottage and doing the work. In all seriousness, would you be able to stretch to a housekeeper/cook/maid for the week?